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Nutbag Theories On Wellness — DocJay
What is your favorite stupid health theory?
I saw a patient recently with diabetes, hypertension, arthritis, hyperlipidemia and obesity. She was discussing the homeopathic “medications” and Indian spirit guidance her cleaning lady was espousing to her as a way forward. My job at times means that I have to listen to various crackpots discuss these kind of theories, so I listened for a while about this lady’s cleaner and her path to wellness.
I asked my patient — who has recently been making strides in diet and exercise — if she is feeling better. She answered yes, indeed she does. “Well, the reason your cleaning lady feels good,” I explained “is that she eats great, has a low body mass index, and exercises every single day. The other stuff this shaman suggests may hold her together, but the way for people to feel good physically is not a mystery.” Sigh.
Of important note from this interaction: Apparently if you can see out your back door from the front door there is a drain on wealth and health. Erect a barrier to stop the spirits from draining your goodies. Who knew?
Published in General
“…favorite stupid health theory…”
I think that’s sort of an oxymoron… LOL.
But for me it would have to be veganism. Because, in part, it ties in so well to politics.
Lately it seems I’m hearing all about “oil pulling.” This is the “ancient ayurvedic practice” of putting a gob of coconut oil in your mouth and swishing it around for 20 minutes. It’s supposed to cure everything from bad breath and gingivitis to AIDS. Yes, AIDS.
Of course, “Big Pharma” doesn’t want you to know that.
(Sigh.)
Neither do the greedy doctors. Shhh, keep this one under wraps buddy, I’d hate to have to bilk the public through some other method.
Also, my Sister-in-Law is really into her “essential oils” right now, and believes that they can do anything at all. Whatever ailment you have, she’s got an oil for it. She also has a network of enablers who are ready with oil advice any time she can’t figure out whether she needs peppermint or lavender or canola or whatever.
I worry.
Hah! In computer speak you are encountering an 1D10T error code. I’m in a foul mood restoring health and cleansing STDs from an employee’s computer. Doesn’t matter how many times I sit him down and explain not to click on every fool thing he sees, and stop communing with lesser computers, he kills his machine all the time.
But, being embarassed to ask me for help when he gets computer herpes, he struggles on, bitching about how I didn’t cure him last time so why should he see me this time and what do I know about how he needs to use his computer he doesn’t need this at this time of life ….
After this last botnet infestation I’m ready to hardwire a patch cable to an organic interface.
My favorite is “Sugar Blues,” a book I skimmed through at the behest of a relative over a decade ago. Essentially, the book argues that throughout human history over-consumption of sugar has led to the destruction of every major civilization. The author then proceeds to relate his experience having multiple sodas and milkshakes every day, and how fighting in the European theater prior to the advent of M & Ms shocked him into realizing he had been consuming too much sugar.
His post-war solution to stop over-eating sugar? Act as if sugar is the source of all evil and never eat it again. He could have considered applying Aristotelian ethics to his overeating, but I guess a stint in the military and a vast sugarcane conspiracy helped him mend his ways. More power too him, but I wish he’d kept his conspiracy to himself.
I have a friend who was normal in most respects, except she seemed to buy in to the “Feng Shui” nonsense. (That’s where your bit about seeing from the front door straight through to the back door would come in.) She was very concerned that every room have “good feng shui.” I once suggested that normal people just call it “interior design.”
It’s kind of like following a horoscope, except instead of the arrangement of stars, it’s all about the arrangement of furniture.
BTW – on stupid nutbag health theories:
Talking to just 1 family member I have learned the following:
1. Underwire bras cause cancer (good thing I don’t wear one).
2. Microwave ovens cause cancer (good thing I don’t fit in one).
3. Jet contrails are the government’s way of giving us cancer to “thin the herd”.
4. Vaccines cause autism…. and cancer (notice a theme yet?).
5. WiFi causes cancer, which is why she unplugs her cable modem at night.
6. GMO foods cause cancer.
7. Non-fair-trade coffee causes cancer (and poverty).
8. Being rich causes cancer.
It’s really fun to watch her shake her fist at every passing jet. One day I’m going to rent a black van, put a bunch of CB aerials all over it, and park it a block from her house, just at the edge of her vision. Then I’ll phone in some pizza deliveries to it at odd hours.
Here’s a crazy wellness plan proposed by my doctor:
1. Leave some food on your plate (i.e., don’t eat so danged much).
2. Eat only when sitting down (i.e., don’t graze).
3. Don’t eat after 8 PM.
4. Eat some fruit and vegetables.
5. Get a reasonable amount of exercise 3-4 times a week.
It’s insane. It works. I’ve followed it for six months. I’ve lost 25 pounds and feel better.
Because put down the hamburger isn’t spiritual enough.
Maybe it should be bag of hamburgers
I love the jet contrail people. They’re the best. If they believe in that conspiracy, they’ll believe in anything, outside, of course, what you and I would consider normal.
The paranoia runs deep with this one. I sense a disturbance in the mind.
Gluten free is very popular these days and the market is wide open.
So when I step on one of my grandson’s Legos in the middle of the night, I’m a victim of “bad feng shui”? This explains a lot.
Apparently, as it goes, evil spirits cannot navigate a turn, so we all need to set-up mazes of sorts in front of, in the middle of and at the rear of the house. Who knew thwarting evil spirits was just that easy. I know this because I live in the SF Bay Area where no kook theory is disparaged but celebrated.
That reminds me that the lady who told me that oil pulling cures AIDS also believes in the jet contrail conspiracy. She’s an otherwise nice lady who volunteers a lot of time at our church. But I don’t think there’s a conspiracy theory she hasn’t considered.
Shut up no way!
Look into my eye DocJay….”You will root for the Sharks in the Stanley Cup Finals against the B’s.”
Let’s be honest here, though, that the medical community has been ‘taken in’ even with the best intentions….margarine better than butter, eggs are bad for you so use fake ones…
Indeed. I test for it a lot. It is more prevalent than we thought but far less prevalent than the alternative docs claim….since they claim everyone has it. I usually just tell people to eat that way for a couple weeks and, since it is very annoying, they better feel a bunch better or it’s not worth it.. Me, I’m a glutton for gluten. My gluteals are gleaming with gluten. In fact, it’s lunch time and gluten is my fare.
Fred Cole’s thread about prescription meds had his wife’s doctor recommending acupuncture instead of muscle relaxants. That’s goofy enough for me.
How about the label on everything that says: “This product contains a chemical known to the State of California to cause cancer.”
My Grandmother, God bless her, never met a crackpot health theory she didn’t love. We bought her a vacuum cleaner for her birthday a few years ago. We got the thing out, we put it all together, we threw away the packaging. And then she got her glasses on a few days later and read that consorned label and made my Aunt take it back. “I don’t want a vacuum cleaner that’s going to give me cancer.”
I’ve got news for you people: You’re getting cancer whether you like it or not. Because every person who doesn’t die from overeating will die a couple of ears later when their chromosomes break down.
Another one I loved was “sharks don’t get cancer.” Should I start eating surfers then?
Love it. Reminds me of the pyramid Burt Reynolds used in Semi-Tough.
Sharks pulled that out last night. I hope they make it to the cup but there’s not enough sex drugs and rock n roll to fulfill your wish for me if they face my team.
When I was a Boy Scout, our (Mormon) scoutmaster tried to convince us that we should never start drinking beer because the aluminum would give us stomach cancer. This was sort of his back door way of trying to scare us off the sauce. He was not pleased when I said, “Well you know, you should be drinking bottled beer anyway.” (My Mother will tell you that she tried very hard to raise her children to be snobs, and indeed, in a few areas it stuck.)
Other things Grandma has tried to talk me into:
Here is this giant mushroom thing. I grow it in a jar. You drink some of the liquid off of it every day.
Drink apple cider vinegar.
My Uncle took her shopping one time, and while he was there, he bought a bottle of some supplement, for his joint (chondroitin or whatever) and he said he’d been looking for that brand for a while, couldn’t find it anywhere, etc. So he got her a bottle of it too, or at least that’s the way she remembered it. Next time my Dad visits her a week later, she’s all going on and on about how great this stuff is and how she feels all energized when she drinks it and she takes a couple sips every morning and every afternoon and now she’s running a little low and can he take her to buy another bottle?
In the door of the fridge is a 1-liter bottle of Pepsi.
Anything that distracts from the basics: exercise, watch your carbs, and count calories. And maybe a vitamin now and then wouldn’t hurt.
Less is more, Doc.
Me too.
Snowboarders don’t count. They taste the same but they don’t have the same nutrients. Don’t even start on skiers. Junk food.
Of course.
Let’s face it, if you can see your back door from your front door, you live in a small, unfurnished Shotgun house. And that ain’t good.
PS, acupuncture works. Really. Depends on the disease and the patient but I’m positive it does.