Your Etiquette Questions Answered
Claire Berlinski, Ed. ·
December 24, 2010 at 10:01am
Who among you now confronts the prospect of a party or dinner with at least one person and possibly more of known annoying political opinions? I open this thread for members to suggest graceful ways to escape pointless dinner-table arguments while preserving a mood of affection and bonhomie.
My own elegant solution to this problem will be to dine with seven companions who do not have the power of speech.
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Oct '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
One of the few advantages of being really poor is that you actually appreciate the food at dinner parties. Poverty makes it possible to enjoy eating and pleasantly nod and smile all all kinds of inane and insane comments. Your compliments to the hostess over the delightful dishes are sincere. If asked to say the Blessing, your words are so heartfelt guests ask if you are a Reverend. When the cretin expounds on why the stars are really made of ice, you smile and consider the gleaming salt crystals on your meat. When another comments on buttering up the fatheads in Congress, you consider this a fine idea and add another big pat of butter to your nice, fat baked potato. Word gets around that you are quiet, pious, compliment the hostess with great skill & sincerity and you even help clear the table (gaining unfettered access to uneaten asparagus spears). And you have *NO* political opinions beyond "God bless America." This means more dinner party invitations. And more free food.
May '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
This works. And I've got Obama loving friends & relatives everywhere. It's my curse. It's the ahh! I see both sides ploy. You get to say your piece, rescue some & keep your friends & relatives feeling as utterly all-knowing as ever.
You state that there are two sides and that nowadays it's personal because both sides know that the other side are a genuine danger to life. This works with most topics. Here's the West versus Sharia. Start with their side & explain it the way they see it. There's injustice in this world! The Muslims want a fairer share & why not? A little resource sharing will make them happy & it can't hurt our materially obsessed society AND if we inflame them they'll come & get our children. You announce that's what one side thinks & everyone in the room will nod sagely. Yes, the wise opinion. Then you say in the meantime, the right think it's Europe 1938, the Muslims want us gone & Bush, Blair & Howard are Churchills. Most will tut tut but sometimes, just sometimes one will wake up. It feels good.
Edited on December 24, 2010 at 11:41amMay '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
Timothy's got it right, concentrate on the food (leave the drink alone or somewhere between your 3rd & 4th libation, prudence will be thrown to the winds). Stifle yourself and concentrate on being festive. If necessary change the subject by saying "whattya think about those [name of hometown football or basketball team] this year?"
It's like Ninevah, 150,000 people who don't know their right from their left and many cattle besides, only without the cattle. Only there's no need for you to be Jonah unless you're taking a boat home and the forecast is for whales.
May '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
Two words:
Duct Tape.
Jul '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
I would never discuss politics at a dinner party unless I knew for certain that everyone present was conservative. There are more than enough other topics - travel, history, sports, literature, science, humorous quotations - to fill an evening without the risk of raising ill-feelings. One's hostess did not invite one to a knife fight.
This, by the way, is one of the chief attractions of a National Review cruise - the chance to spend an entire week among people who enthusiastically share your views. That and singing along with Mark Steyn at the piano bar.
Jun '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
Glad this post came when it did. I'm not following Kenneth's advice, though, as I'm going to a dinner party on Sunday that will be filled with those that strongly oppose my views. They often try to bait me, so keep the mitigation ideas coming.
Aug '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
Sensible answer.
And if an awkward political moment rears its head, keep this other store of topics handy as a distraction.
Or...
if you really know your fellow guests, you might be able to bring up one of those rare topics where everyone agrees, despite otherwise clashing political views.
For example, my leftist friends and I can while away many an hour complaining about the TSA (sorry, Duane). Or the injustice of the Kelo decision (though that one's old news). Etc.
If it's not too awkward, you could always break out into singing -- or dancing. Or a game of some kind.
However, I can personally attest that spontaneously breaking out into song or dance usually is too awkward.
Jul '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
Ah, come on, Dave. Be magnanimous.
Arguing with lefties is like stomping ducklings. Gratuitous cruelty. If they bait you, just tilt your head, smile, and say, "Well, that's one point of view, I suppose..."
Be charming. Ask people endless questions about their favorite topic - themselves.
Certainly does the image of conservatives a great deal of good if you refuse to rise to the bait and leave the party with folks thinking conservatives have nice manners.
Edited on December 24, 2010 at 5:11pmMay '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
For example, my leftist friends and I can while away many an hour complaining about the TSA (sorry, Duane).
Hey, I can whine about TSA with the best of them! I just have no problem whatever with imaging scanners.
Myself, it depends on the occasion. I'm happy to debate issues, but it has to be the right situation. Most of my family is non-leftist, so Christmas will be fine (I have to go bake my rolls for tomorrow, we have 20 people for dinner).
But for Claire, I recommend that she invite seven dogs to add a little life to the party. Get Okan to referee (and film it).
Dec '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
David Mane:
This works... It's the ahh! I see both sides ploy. You get to say your piece, rescue some & keep your friends & relatives feeling as utterly all-knowing as ever.
You state that there are two sides and that nowadays it's personal because both sides know that the other side are a genuine danger to life.
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
if you really know your fellow guests, you might be able to bring up one of those rare topics where everyone agrees, despite otherwise clashing political views.
Both good ones. Related to these "common ground" tactics...
If talking about politicians there's the "most of them are dishonest lying bums" tactic. It's not hard to find examples.
Another is the "I lean Libertarian on many issues" ploy. This can open up some options where you actually do lean libertarian, if you do.
And if it seems none of these will work, there's the "I really don't want to talk about politics during Christmas (or on Thanksgiving, or on the Fourth of July, etc.)" fallback. When dealing with foaming at the mouth spittle spewing libs, it's often the only good option.
Dec '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
Agree with Mr. Mane but would go one further - show both sides, then highlight the gossamer fallacies underlying their established world view. Not saying voices have to raised, but maybe there's a nice or nephew at the table listening, who might benefit from the exposure to views beyond what they receive at school. Plus, I've always thought among the more obvious differences between conservatives and liberals is our ability to process and articulate their arguments back to them without mental short-circuiting and Alien-stomach bursting - with rare exception, perhaps Mickey Kaus, liberals seem incapable of this. To have counter-intuitive words pass their lips - e.g. the casus belli for invading Iraq didn't involve locating weapons of mass destruction but ending the murderous reign thugs funding and harboring terrorists, who after 9/11 would no longer be afforded the benefit of the doubt - would be to break some holy shrouded progressive pact, never to speak the Conservative Viewpoint aloud. Tis the season to be grateful not to be so constrained, and between glasses of 2007 Pinot Noir, I'll listen, reprocess, and refute my California-in laws enthusiastically and politely, at a bountiful dinner table.
Jun '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
I totally agree with Kenneth. My wife and are close friends with a couple who are Obama lovers. We remain good friends by not talking politics. There are lots of other things to talk about. However, when I see on my caller ID that they are calling I sometimes answer "Dick Cheney residence." They're good sports about that.
Edited on December 24, 2010 at 8:32pmNov '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
I do it this way: when politics come up, I take a drink of wine, then look up from the glass and say "the only good democrat is a dead democrat." I learned that little tidbit from my father. ;-)
Jul '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
I keep repeating "Obama is Wright." They hear "Obama is right."
We all smile and are in complete agreement.
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
You're all asking for it, I think. I have to agree with Kenneth -- I think the best thing is to laugh and steer the conversation to other, more lasting, topics. Politics, especially these days, is one of those subjects that we all take a little too seriously sometimes, and often I declare a "politics fast" in my conversations -- no politics until, say, January 1, or December 27th (when most people are a little overfed and cranky anyway), and that lets me off the hook for the important things, like Christmas dinner.
May '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
I have a friend - whom I take credit for making the scales fall from his eyes so that he now sees the bright light of conservatism - who at his family's Thanksgiving celebration had to endure one of the nitwit guests give thanks for "having such a wise man in the White House." Well, my friend just had to keep mum and somehow hold his dinner down; we both know that there is no convincing those on the other side of the political divide (especially around here in northern California). Better to keep it light and save the ruminating for each other.
When I forward pieces to him from National Review or other such sites I always preface it with the instruction: "You cannot discuss this." We are a lonely army of two. I'm urging him to join Ricochet and breathe free!
May '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
I'm terrible at this -- I become the annoying one, apoplectic and alienating people from my point of view.
At work I try to avoid politics altogether, but at some point when the other person/people keep dropping odious statements on the assumption no one could possible disagree, I can't help but say something.
I've gotten a bit better by staying away from stating an opinion or conclusion, and instead saying, "Yes, that's true. There is this thing that troubles me, though..." and I then mention some actual fact, like that Citizen's United was about banning a movie, and I have trouble with banning books and movies. Of course, they will have never thought of it in terms of banning, and I move the needle a bit...
May '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
Don't forget to preface your arguments with the observation that those whose views are contrary to yours are nevertheless every bit as well intentioned and honorable as you feel your positions are.
Jul '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
Every public figure has some trait that can be used to turn the conversation away from issues proper. There is Nina Tottenberg's voice, Al Gore's stiffness (the Macarena!), John Kerry's extraordinary gigoloisme, Haley Barbour's voice, W's non-stop sincerity, and so on. And I can find something nice to say about almost anyone, and be annoying about it if I want to.
When Bill Clinton comes up I start talking astroturf, and everyone figures I'm on a Tea Party tirade just as I glide into carnal relations and pick up trucks.
Edited on December 25, 2010 at 12:02amMay '10
Re: Your Etiquette Questions Answered
The problem with social argument is that you have to be extraordinarily nimble to react sharply to every unanticipated bob and weave of the opposition. I'm not that fast. My Japanese informant is fast enough, but for that reason she doesn't enjoy it. It's a waste of time.