YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
Nick Stuart ·
September 21, 2011 at 6:28pm
Here is the warning from a box of facial tissue.
Note that it is a violation of Federal law to use this tissue as anything other than facial tissue.
If you use it to clean your glasses, groom any part of your body except your face, or in any manner inconsistent with its labeling as a facial tissue YOU HAVE COMMITTED A FEDERAL CRIME.
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Comments:
Jan '11
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
I used one to pick up dog poop. Report me to AttackWatch.
Jul '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
I used one to clog My ears during Obama's last speech. Report Me to attack watch.
Dec '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
This reminds me of a character (in a Douglas Adams book, if memory serves) who deliberately went insane when he discovered the printed directions on a box of tooth picks.
Jul '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
First, they came for the mattress tag removers....
Jun '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
I used ONLY one in the method of and for the purpose prescribed by Sheryl Crow regarding a similar tissue. I have already confessed to AttackWatch but report me if you must.
Dec '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
Well, if you can't use facial tissue in the manner described by Carver as a backup to bathroom tissue, perhaps printing out a copy of the law the warning alludes to and using that is the better option.
Mar '11
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
Literally dozens of Tissue Use Enforcers will be hired as part of the most recent Federal jobs plan. Apply at USAJOBS.gov.
FYI - If hired, you must swear to uphold the Constitution of the United States.
May '11
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
Having worked for about 12 years at the company that developed that product, I can tell you that warning is there because of FDA regulations on the marketing of germicides. The regulatory requirements to get that facial tissue on the market were spectacular. Big Government makes for silly warnings.
May '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
Misusing tissue is as good a way as any to get started on filling your 3-felonies-a-day quota.
Dec '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
This is just another example of the little tyrannies that add up. When I was a child my father told me to pay attention to the liberties I enjoyed, that someday I wouldn't be able to wipe my (well, whatever) without some bureaucrat becoming involved. How true.
Jun '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
I have got to admit there was a time in the backseat of a Lincoln Continental that this exact law came to mind. I guess I was just way ahead of my time.
Feb '11
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
This is why I never slow down at deer crossings.
Aug '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
It was in So Long And Thanks For All The Fish (the fourth book in the trilogy).
The character was Wonko The Sane (real name, John Watson), who came to believe that he was the only sane human being after reading the instructions on a box of toothpicks:
Sep '11
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
2Evil4U--
Since you've been through the consumer product safety maze, can I ask a question?
Why are crackers, biscuits, and cookies registered with the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture?
A) Why are they "registered" at all?
B) Why Pennsylvania?
C) Why not, say, hot dog buns?
I live in Pennsylvania, and I'm a 4-H leader. So, in fact, I am not just your ordinary cracker, I actually am registered with the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture. (This is a fairly routine 4-H leader joke in Pennsylvania.)
But here's the odd thing: I have asked Dept. of Ag. folks for years--and nobody can tell me who in the Dept. of Ag registers crackers, or why? And I deal with Ag Extension people all the time.
Any idea? I have a pet theory that this is some kind of industry-wide practical joke, or some kind of weird 1950s marketing gimmick ("our butter biscuits are better, 'cause they're registered with the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture!").
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
I feel guilt already.
May '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
Displaying such a notice was a widely recognized guarantee that the food had passed stringent safety and quality inspections. Before the FDA was created this notice was very popular with consumers as the Pennsylvania Dept of Ag had a reputation for high standards.
May '11
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
John Murdoch: 2Evil4U--
Since you've been through the consumer product safety maze, can I ask a question?
Why are crackers, biscuits, and cookies registered with the Pennsylvania Department of Agriculture?
I'd lean towards Paul's answer. I'm a mechanical engineer and was on the equipment design/installation/operation/maintenance part of the project. I just remember how long it took to get the whole thing approved through the Feds. Well over a couple years, IIRC.
May '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
One nice thing about the old Pennsylvania Dept of Ag was that they only cared about food quality and food safety. They didn't ask you about the "diversity" of your workforce, or how many "sensitivity" training programs you have. Nor did they demand that you conduct a years-long "environmental impact" study before repaving your parking lot, or require you to make "affordable" loans before permitting you to open branch.
Jul '10
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
To quote Mark Slackmeyer: GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY!
I laughed so hard I accidentally tore the tag off my mattress.
Apr '11
Re: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
Sorry, can't resist.