Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
Today is my 5th wedding anniversary. I'm blessed to be married to a wonderful man I adore. We have two beautiful children. We are immeasurably blessed. I'm not saying our marriage has been perfect. In fact, it's been downright hard at times. And while I pray it will always be blissful, I'm sure we will have many struggles in the years to come.
If it gets too hard, however, there's good news. I can bail. Check it out:
Pat Robertson advised a viewer of yesterday's 700 Club to avoid putting a "guilt trip" on those who want to divorce a spouse with Alzheimer's. During the show's advice segment, a viewer asked Robertson how she should address a friend who was dating another woman "because his wife as he knows her is gone." Robertson said he would not fault anyone for doing this. He then went further by saying it would be understandable to divorce a spouse with the disease.
"That is a terribly hard thing," Robertson said. "I hate Alzheimer's. It is one of the most awful things because here is a loved one—this is the woman or man that you have loved for 20, 30, 40 years. And suddenly that person is gone. They're gone. They are gone. So, what he says basically is correct. But I know it sounds cruel, but if he's going to do something he should divorce her and start all over again. But to make sure she has custodial care and somebody looking after her." ...
Robertson said that the viewer's friend could obey this vow of "death till you part" because the disease was a "kind of death."
And here I thought that the Christian view of marriage was about sacrifice and submission to a greater good. For what it's worth, Christianity Today has published a piece repudiating the views of Robertson.
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Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
"In sickness and in health . . ." Does Pat Robertson have no decency?
May '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
My mother has had Alzheimer's for 11 years, and has been in a memory-care unit for 6 1/2 years now. Even though she can no longer recall my father's name, she still calls him "sweetheart". They have been "sweethearts" since 7th grade, married for 63 years. He visits her faithfully and attentively, even as she may sit staring blankly or dozing.
So while we endure the horror of watching this disease dissolve my mother's own memory, it is paradoxically a beautiful, awe-inspiring thing to witness my father's loving devotion to her and his memories of her. It is a powerful force for good in my own life, and it is a living lesson taught to their grandchildren -- saying more about marriage than any words they might hear.
Happy Anniversary, Mollie, and many, many more.
Dec '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
I agree that Robertson deserves to be chided for making a pronouncement about an issue that is incredibly complicated. This is a situation that I believe a person should be encouraged to endure rather than abandon, but whose complexity deserves individual judgement.
However, I do have sympathy for a spouse who can not bear the emotional weight of this situation. If both spouses are elderly, the healthy spouse will only have limited ability to provide constant, vigilant care for an ailing spouse, who can no longer be left alone for even a brief period of time. This almost necessitates admittance to care facility with other Alzheimer patients. As a spouse of an Alzheimer patient, how do you then cope, when the person you swore vows to, a spouse who can no longer recognize you or remember your name starts an affair with another patient, neither having any knowledge of the vows they once made?
This is not a hypothetical situation, nor is it a rare occurrence. In general, I think these complicated matters that often produce devastating outcomes for all involved need to be met with more grace than judgment.
Edited on Sep 15, 2011 at 5:16pmSep '11
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
I won't pretend to be objective about this. Pat Robertson is wrong. Completely wrong. Totally wrong.
Christians view marriage as a picture of the covenant between Christ and His Church. Robertson is far more of a TV host than a pastor or theologian--but even he knows that much. To even countenance the question is appalling.
Sep '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
Making a pronouncement?He ended by saying, "get some other ethicists, besides me, before making a decision." Is that a strong pronouncement on the issue?
He wasn't encouraging someone to leave their spouse, he saying he understands the pain the person is going through and could not judge them for making such a decision. We can disagree, but if you watch the tape it is impossible to suggest he was giving authoritative advise on the issue.
Dec '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
Vance Richards
Making a pronouncement?He ended by saying, "get some other ethicists, besides me, before making a decision." Is that a strong pronouncement on the issue?
He wasn't encouraging someone to leave their spouse, he saying he understands the pain the person is going through and could not judge them for making such a decision. We can disagree, but if you watch the tape it is impossible to suggest he was giving authoritative advise on the issue. · Sep 15 at 6:38pm
Thanks for the correction Vance!
Aug '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
CJRun: Pat Robertson has always been a (CoC violation).
I recall leaving grad school because my Mom was just worn out, tending to Dad 24 hours a day. Somebody had to be awake at all hours.
Did I mention that Pat Robertson is a (CoC violation)? · Sep 15 at 3:14pm
May I commend to you the epithet kook. I find it passes the civility test and expresses both your derision and the unhinged doofisity of the one described.
The always helpful Roman Moroney offers many useful variations to aid you in adequately expressing your indignation.
Edited on Sep 15, 2011 at 8:42pmAug '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
I am not one to quote scripture willy nilly, but this his latest incident of heterodox logorrhea, this egregious verbal self beshatting, demands an answer.
What Nathan said to David certainly applies here:
"By this deed thou hast given great occasion to the enemies of the LORD to blaspheme."
So does this Proverb:
"Where there are many words transgression is unavoidable."
I pity Pat Robertson that no one at CBN has the courage to sit him down and set him straight. The pitfall that eventually takes down every kingpin in the religion for money game is this: the check signer is always right- until he flames out. Then the money tree dies, then the whole house of cards collapses.
Were he only making a fool of himself it would be the right thing to do. He is doing much worse. Worse even than merely, once again, inviting derision on the Christian faith.
He is misrepresenting Christian marriage. Christians hold marriage sacred because it represents God's love in Christ toward His church.
So do please pardon my bible thumping because, for Christians, this is kind of a big deal.
Edited on Sep 16, 2011 at 9:49amAug '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
A contrasting example from Ravi Zacharias' Jesus Among Other Gods (RZ is indented, Dr. Robertson outdented and italicized):
Once our flight was delayed in Atlanta, and we had to wait a couple of hours. Now that's a challenge. Every few minutes, the same questions, the same answers about what we're doing here, when are we going home?
Edited on Sep 16, 2011 at 11:51amcontinued
Aug '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
...And every few minutes we'd take a fast paced walk down the terminal in earnest search of-what? Muriel had always been a speed walker. I had to jog to keep up with her!An attractive woman sat across from us, working diligently on her computer. Once, when we returned from an excursion, she said something, without looking up from her papers. Since no one spoke to me or at least mumbled in protest of our constant activity, "Pardon?" I asked. "Oh," she said, "I was just asking myself, `Will I ever find a man to love me like that?"
Close Robertson quote, now quoting RZ:
(Now I conclude): I offer this as an example of both a good apologetic and a helpful, encouraging, and orthodox answer to precisely the question asked.
Edited on Sep 16, 2011 at 11:57amApr '11
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
After blaming September 11th on homosexuals, I'm still amazed that there are those who listen to Pat Robertson, or think of his opinion as one to be considered seriously.
Edited on Sep 16, 2011 at 8:01amMay '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
Duane Oyen
Hey, cool! You are only 33 years behind us! · Sep 15 at 1:47pm
We will catch up in no time! · Sep 15 at 3:16pm
I dunno. We had a date last night, and it became 38 years at about 7 PM. And next Sept. 15, I think you will hit 6 years, while we hit 39. Barring a mathematical miracle performed by Dr.Berlinski, possibly associated with compression at the edge of the space-time continuum, you don't appear to be meaningfully catching up.
Dec '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
Squishy Blue RINO:
Edited on Sep 15 at 09:29 pm
Squish - thank you for that story. I still often reflect in amazement at the wondrous woman who agreed to marry me 25 years ago, on how incredibly blessed I was. It can't be luck - I know that it was truly an act of God that brought her into my life. I find just the thought of leaving her due to Alzheimers or some other debilitating disease - the thought of leaving her for any reason whatsoever - to be not just wrong but downright revolting.
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
Duane Oyen
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
Duane Oyen
Hey, cool! You are only 33 years behind us! · Sep 15 at 1:47pm
We will catch up in no time! · Sep 15 at 3:16pm
I dunno. We had a date last night, and it became 38 years at about 7 PM. And next Sept. 15, I think you will hit 6 years, while we hit 39. Barring a mathematical miracle performed by Dr.Berlinski, possibly associated with compression at the edge of the space-time continuum, you don't appear to be meaningfully catching up. · Sep 16 at 8:04am
Well, maybe we will *feel* like we've been married longer. Just kidding -- that's a wonderful thing you have with 38 years! We just celebrated my parents 40th two years ago and couldn't believe how quickly it went.
May '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
Duane Oyen
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
Duane Oyen
Hey, cool! You are only 33 years behind us! · Sep 15 at 1:47pm
We will catch up in no time! · Sep 15 at 3:16pm
I dunno. We had a date last night, and it became 38 years at about 7 PM. And next Sept. 15, I think you will hit 6 years, while we hit 39. Barring a mathematical miracle performed by Dr.Berlinski, possibly associated with compression at the edge of the space-time continuum, you don't appear to be meaningfully catching up. · Sep 16 at 8:04am
Well, maybe we will *feel* like we've been married longer. Just kidding -- that's a wonderful thing you have with 38 years! We just celebrated my parents 40th two years ago and couldn't believe how quickly it went. · Sep 16 at 8:19am
I hasten to point out that we were age ten when we got married.
Jun '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
Happy Anniversary!
My Lovely Lady Wife assures me that she won't leave me just because I have dementia. She has been kind and understanding when I've had cognitive difficulties, reassuring me, making things a little less difficult. I can't imagine what my life would be like without her, nor do I want to.
I'd speak to Robertson's statements by saying this: how well we obey the oath we took before God and man to stand by each other in sickness and health, for better or worse, directly relates to our integrity. If we refuse to abide by it, we have no integrity.
Aug '10
Re: Why Feel Guilty About Abandoning Your Spouse During Illness?
Any prospective wife has to accept that I'm already pretty demented.
Wakka wakka wakka!