Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
I didn't realize until I was engaged to be married -- in my early 30s -- that my parents worried I might never find a suitable spouse. But I was blessed with a wonderful man and our first child came along not even a year after our wedding. Our second came shortly after that. And we're still hoping for more. Waiting and hoping. I'm not going to lie -- it's tough. On a recent visit to my doctor, she told me what I already knew. I'm 37 and that means it's much more difficult to get pregnant. She suggested I think about running tests and helping things along medically.
I'd always known that it was a good idea to have your children young, if you were able. That didn't work out for me because I wasn't even married. Other people have trouble conceiving even at a young age. These issues are nothing if not difficult. But another problem is that we lie to women about their chances of getting pregnant later in life.
Nearly every cultural message we receive -- and every message I ever received from school teachers, female college faculty or other mentors -- was that women should put their career first, take plenty of "me" time before marriage and delay children until you're "ready." The result is that people know very little about the science of fertility. Note this story:
The poll of 1,000 women ages 25 to 35 who had talked to doctors about fertility found that participants could correctly answer seven out of 10 basic questions less than half the time. The Fertility IQ 2011 Survey found that women were wrong most often about how long it takes to get pregnant — and about how much fertility declines at various ages.
“We were not at all surprised,” says Barbara Collura, executive director of RESOLVE. “This is what we experience every day.”
Most women simply don’t realize that at 30, a healthy woman has about a 20 percent chance of conceiving per month and by the time she reaches 40, her odds drop to about 5 percent, Collura said.
Instead, many of those surveyed thought that a 30-year-old woman would have a 70 percent chance of conceiving and that a 40-year-old’s chances could approach 60 percent.
It makes me angry! I have so many friends who were sold a bill of goods about how easy it would be to get pregnant later on. It's not true and nothing is more frustrating than facing down a clock while you try to grow your family.
Obviously I have nothing against getting married later in life or starting a family later -- it's my own story -- but the cultural norms should be radically shifted.
Is it too much to ask that we simply acknowledge the truth? That fertility declines dramatically as we age and that complications for mother and baby increase at the same time?
I'm not a feminist but I see no reason that feminism must be anti-science. It serves no one.
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Aug '10
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
My parents raised me with the expectation that getting married before 30 was "too early". How weird is that?
I had known that the fertility drop between 30 and 40 was severe. I hadn't known that the odds at 30 are already so low. Hmm...
Jan '11
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
The lie about fertility is part and parcel of the other, bigger lies feminism has told women about intimate relationships and properly ordering their sexual behavior. Having partner after partner throughout their early adulthood not only affects women's fertility and increases potential problems from sexually transmitted diseases like HPV, it also can hurt the emotional quality of the intimacy with the man they eventually settle down with. Women have been taught that they should treat sex with the same casual attitude that men do, and that there is no difference in how sex affects each gender. It's just a lie. Once upon a time women were the gatekeepers of sexual activity, it helped force men to respect the sexual act and women in general. After women were sold the ruse that they were suckers to play that role and that they should try to be like men, all sorts of societal problems blew up. And sadly, women bear the brunt of these problems most severely.
Edited on Nov 16, 2011 at 7:20amMar '11
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
What BTThompson said.
It's probably one of the main reasons for the Steynian demographic collapse of the "advanced" secular societies.
Two children are fine, Mollie, but I wish you the best for more.
Jun '10
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
It took working women quite awhile to figure out that becoming (like a) male was a demotion.
Dec '10
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
As the chances of becoming pregnant are going down, the risk of birth defects are going up. This too needs to be taken into consideration.
Aug '10
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
I wonder how much of it is an outright lie, and how much of it is self-delusion based on all the other things we've been taught.
For example, we're taught that life is a meritocracy, and that, if you work hard enough, you can have it all. This blinds us to the fact that many of the women who "have it all" are also lucky: they met the right man at the right time, and they had a support network strong enough to allow them to have a career and raise decent kids. But life is a combined game of chance and skill, which means learning how to act sensibly when your circumstances don't allow you to "have it all". This we're not taught to do.
Also, many in my generation find the sheer physicality of pregnancy, childbirth, and nursing... kinda gross. (My generation is so squeamish about these things.) When you're taught that physical differences between the sexes shouldn't matter, it's hard to accept how physical gestating and raising children is. Which makes putting it off more tempting.
It's harder to acknowledge some truths when you don't acknowledge others.
Mar '11
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
It is a depressing and common story - and becoming more common the longer we extend adolescence. Right now childbearing is packed into the years between when the man moves out of Mom's house at 35, and the woman hits the wall at 42.
Mar '11
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
This is overstated - statistics are used here to deceive rather than to reveal. For example: Women ages 35-39 will deliver 1 to 4 additional cases of congenital heart defects per 1000 births. Sounds scary - but it is just a tactic to convince women to avoid childbearing altogether.
In a sense, this whole culture is breeding out gullible women who believe what they are told. Only religious contrarians grow their population!
Edited on Nov 16, 2011 at 7:50amDec '10
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
This does bring to mind a certain recent Ricochet conversation about the "creepy" aspects of Fall/Spring partnerships. It seems on reason they have gone out of style is that Mollies specific concerns have not been abated to the degree they once were. I think it's perfectly common to for it to require until you are 30 to establish yourself, but it seems in generations past, men would take the time, then begin scouting younger prospects. This also seems to fit with the different speeds at which men and women mature emotionally.
Do you think if the "truth about fertility" were better advertised that the number of older men marrying much younger women (more than 5 years difference) would increase? Would it persuade any of the ladies here? Any of the Men?
Mar '11
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
Men are now on average two years older when they marry than the mean age of marriage for men in 1980. Women are three years older on average now, than the mean marriage age in the 1980.
Anyone care to bet that the more highly educated one is, the later one marries and procreates?
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
Beasley: This does bring to mind a certain recent Ricochet conversation about the "creepy" aspects of Fall/Spring partnerships. It seems on reason they have gone out of style is that Mollies specific concerns have not been abated to the degree they once were. I think it's perfectly common to for it to require until you are 30 to establish yourself, but it seems in generations past, men would take the time, then begin scouting younger prospects. This also seems to fit with the different speeds at which men and women mature emotionally.
Do you think if the "truth about fertility" were better advertised that the number of older men marrying much younger women (more than 5 years difference) would increase? Would it persuade any of the ladies here? Any of the Men? · Nov 16 at 7:52am
Well, we also lie about male fertility. It's not as profound, but it definitely declines with age and the problems for children increase, too.
May '10
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
Molly, have you come across the Creighton model?
I don't know very much about it, but I gather it involves working with women with fertility issues in a way that respects the natural law. It has everything to do with teaching women to read the signs of their own bodies.
Natural Family Planning can be used to help achieve pregnancy as well as to postpone it.
Dec '10
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
Beasley:
Do you think if the "truth about fertility" were better advertised that the number of older men marrying much younger women (more than 5 years difference) would increase? Would it persuade any of the ladies here? Any of the Men? · Nov 16 at 7:52am
Well, we also lie about male fertility. It's not as profound, but it definitely declines with age and the problems for children increase, too. · Nov 16 at 8:02am
I believe that. I've never been told a thing that would lead me to think that any man should fall short of Picaso's ability to sire children in his Seventies.
So, does any of this information change the way you will advise your own children about finding a mate or planning for their family vs. career?
Apr '11
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
I was at a dinner party the other night and of the 4 couples attending, all our at least one of their children were conceived via "test-tube." All of the couples had been in their early to mid-thirties when married. Not scientific, but from my experience trouble conceiving is very high among couples 35 plus.
The word of declining fertility, I believe, will get out as older sisters, aunts etc discuss with the younger set. For our generation, it was an abstract statistic. For this generation, the statistics will come with a story.
Edited on Nov 16, 2011 at 8:25amJan '11
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
Yes, but unfortunately the story will probably include the reassurance that you don't have to worry about the fact that getting pregnant is harder when you get older, because all you have to do is use IVF. And we all know IVF is no big deal.
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
katievs: Molly, have you come across the Creighton model?
I don't know very much about it, but I gather it involves working with women with fertility issues in a way that respects the natural law. It has everything to do with teaching women to read the signs of their own bodies.
Natural Family Planning can be used to help achieve pregnancy as well as to postpone it. · Nov 16 at 8:17am
Thanks for that link! I will look into it.
As for NFP, what I find funny about it is that almost everyone I know who uses it, uses it to get pregnant. It's why I get so upset when I hear glib lines like "What do you call a couple that uses NFP? Parents!" You don't say ...
In my Lutheran circles, many of my female friends made sure I was familiar with NFP and how to understand my fertility when I got married. Was very kind of them.
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
Beasley
I believe that. I've never been told a thing that would lead me to think that any man should fall short of Picaso's ability to sire children in his Seventies.
So, does any of this information change the way you will advise your own children about finding a mate or planning for their family vs. career? · Nov 16 at 8:23am
I have already joked that my children (ages 4 and 2) simply must get married young so that their father and I can enjoy the grandchildren. The fact is that I will just do the same thing my parents did -- encourage my children to marry if they don't have the gift of celibacy and to pick a mate wisely. I tried to get married much younger (it didn't work out) and see the benefits of finding a suitable partner. But no need to delay marriage or childbearing, in my view.
Mar '11
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
Beasley
So, does any of this information change the way you will advise your own children about finding a mate or planning for their family vs. career? · Nov 16 at 8:23am
I was married at 21. My kids are homeschooled, and very comfortable in their skins - they know that their parents are fine with them getting married young as well.
But ours is a world in which women can have it all - as long as they are supremely energetic and driven. That seems to run in my family.
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
The chart is posted at BabyCenter.
Ideally, most women would marry and have children in their twenties, shifting gears progressively toward career after the mid-thirties. Plenty of time for a rewarding thirty year career and children and grandchildren.
Instead, society has tutored the average woman to behave like the typical man: focus on your career, establish yourself professionally, then settle down and have a family. But it often doesn't work out because it can't.
In a contest between magical thinking and biology, bet on the latter.
Dec '10
Re: Why Do We Lie About Female Fertility?
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
(...) The fact is that I will just do the same thing my parents did -- encourage my children to marry if they don't have the gift of celibacy and to pick a mate wisely. I tried to get married much younger (it didn't work out) and see the benefits of finding a suitable partner. But no need to delay marriage or childbearing, in my view. ·
I made the same attempt with the same result. Both my brothers chose a little more wisely than I and are happily married and both had multiple children in their 20's. Admittedly, it's not for everyone. But I do wonder, is it much harder to marry young now than it was a generation ago?
Obviously it happens less, but if you live in an urban area and travel in "educated/high potential" circles it seems like the social structures and social pressures that help young relationships persevere and bind simply aren't there anymore. Celibacy is little more than good humor even in many religious circles, wide social networks make choice seem endless, and there's even technology to supplement that biological clock. I do wonder if all these factors leave us with a false sense of spare time.
Edited on Nov 16, 2011 at 9:16am