When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
It is at once a tired cliche' and a terrible truism that life isn't fair. None of us are safe from calamity. But sometimes, fate seems to take a wicked swipe at very good people in the worst way. I read with sadness and respect the letter that Ronald Reagan wrote when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Odd, I thought, and awful that those who have lived such rich and colorful lives should be deprived of the memories of such a journey.
But life isn't fair. As I sit here, struggling to put into words feelings that are caught in my throat, I think it would be best to just state it: So it is with my Dad's permission that I pass along his recent diagnosis of Alzheimer's. We've suspected, but we now have confirmation. As with most things, Dad has taken things with grace and humor. He said he can't remember what it was he was supposed to forget, so with that characteristic smile, he sees it as a simplification of life in general. Plus, he looks forward to hiding his own easter eggs anytime of the year he feels like it. Dad's wit is still very much alive, as evidenced by our recent discussion on whether or not the Christmas song, "God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman" was in fact an act of discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation (the word Merry being of dubious meaning). But the little things,…what day of the week it is, or the need to repeat information several times in a conversation, betray the insidious nature of the disease.
I find myself thinking of the unfairness, of course. Here is a person who has served our country in uniform, who served God and others while in the ministry, who leaves in his wake a sea of smiles and laughter at his ebullient personality and effervescent humor. A person whose father was a share cropper's son, whose family is overflowing with colorful stories and hilarious people, who at the age of 71, has every right to look back on a life well lived and simply chuckle at the memories,..and here is a disease that will rob him of that priceless treasure. And rob his family of enjoying those memories with him. That my friends, simply isn't fair.
I read in the Good Book that we won't be given more than we can bear,..and that all things work to the good for those who love Him. I believe it to be true and yet,….and yet I find myself asking why. It's not an improper question, is it? The inquisitive nature was instilled in me by the Almighty after all, so why should it be blasphemy to employ it?
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" Matthew 6:26
And even as The Savior showed his love for us, so too can we, as Dad's family, show our love and thanks for him by meeting his needs as events and circumstances dictate. Who knows what further bonds will strengthen, or how many more lives will be touched over time. I don't have the answers. Would to God that I did. But I do know that my Dad will not lack for care or the things he needs. I've seen that happen in at least one instance,…and it will not happen on my watch. There may come a point when he doesn't even know who we are,…but he will know that he is surrounded by people who love him and will spare no effort to insure his comfort and well being, and that is exactly as it should be. That's what family does.
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Comments:
Jun '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
So sorry to hear that. We know that someday our parents (us too) will suffer irreversible organ failure of one type or another. We assume that it'll be the heart, or the kidneys, or the immune system that's first to fail. We don't expect it to be basic brain function that's first to fail. But, it's an organ like any other. We just have to pray that if it proceeds, it proceeds without the mental chaos that can create fear and discomfort. It sounds like your dad has the right attitude--courage.
Nov '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave, I'm recently joined up here, but have lurked on and off for quite awhile. I recall some of your posts where you wrote about your father. They made me think of my own dad, who we lost a few years ago to complications after a stroke.
God bless you and strengthen you and your family in this trying time. You're in my prayers.
Oct '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
There are no words to truly comfort one or a family facing such an event as we proceed on dealing with the trevails of life, however well intended.
May you and yours become stronger in will, deeds and convictions to family support.
Trust and hope this will not be beyond your means to deal with. All of my people died poorly and somewhat swiftly. Solace is where you find it.
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
"That's what a family does."
Just beautiful.
You're in our prayers.
Oct '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
To repeat what many others have said, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your father, Dave. Life certainly isn't fair, as I discovered four years ago when my brother passed away at just 40 years of age.
Dec '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
That's a hell of a thing to have happen to a fine man, Dave. I've very sorry that you all will have to go through that.
In a way, he's lucky that he's still mostly mobile at the moment, so that he can do things and enjoy the company of family and friends now, while he's still able.
It's a race against time now, to do and see and experience as much as he can before fate takes away his ability to appreciate it.
Just one more adventure in a long line of them.
Leave the lamenting and prayer until after he can't remember why you all are sad.
Until that time comes, you and he and the rest of your family need to squeeze every ounce of joy out of life that is possible. Savor it now, and do your grieving later.
May '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
I'm so sorry to hear your news. I've so enjoyed your tales of travels with your dad, I feel that I've come to know him a little. I've also been down the same hard roads with my parents. Here's what they taught me:
1. Make the most of your time with your dad. Try to think of every question from his earlier years that you might ever want to ask him, and ask him now. Remote memories last the longest, and questions that he CAN answer/things he CAN remember will boost his morale.
2. As time goes on, give up expecting things from your dad - like that his perceptions or statements to you are accurate. Just take him as he is at the moment, love him at face value, whatever that happens to be, you'll both be better off.
3. When all else is gone, touch signals love. Rub his back, smooth his hair, hold his hand.
Now suck it up and make the most of today. Repeat tomorrow. Ditto the day after, and so on.
Dec '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
May God grant you and your family strength, and may He make your father's days ahead as easy as possible under the circumstances.
May '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave, a beloved grandmother of mine walked that same clouded path. During that time, the intense desire came, and remains, to see that loved one in her resurrected body, made perfect, made whole. Sense of humor intact. Scrappiness... well, maybe not. One day I know this will happen.
Jun '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave, I am sorry to hear the news, however, my thoughts and prayers are for you and your family. My mother had this affliction for over 15 years. My father cared for her in his house until his dying day. God will look after your father. I wish you and your family strength.
Aug '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave,
God be with your dad, and all your family through this trial.
Dec '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave, Sorry to hear. Please keep us update. Your father will be in my prayers
Sep '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
My wife and I will be praying for you and your father and the rest of your family. I have no doubt that your spirit will enable you to confront all of the challenges ahead.
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
To All: While I felt certain that the Ricochet community would reach out, as it were, I must confess to being overwhelmed with the warm and honest expressions above. Thank you all so very much. If you have any advice, or words of hard-won wisdom, as my family embarks on this journey, I'm all ears. Please know that of the many blessings I've been privileged to receive over a lifetime, my association with all of you is among the most precious.
Jun '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave: My Mom died two weeks ago after a multi-year battle with dementia or Alheimer's (we think it was dementia, but it all sort of looks the same).
It was difficult to see this once-vibrant woman robbed of her mental capacity, but it made me a better person, I was able to work with some wonderful caregivers, I saw love showered on my Mom by them and by my family, I learned how wonderful hospice providers can ease the process of dying, and I learned, in the end, that death can bring a great sense of release (I have faith she is in a better place).
The last time I saw my Mom before she slipped into a coma, she could still say my name and, even though she could say little else, whenever I would say "I love you" to her, she would say "I love you" back. That was more than enough for me.
God bless you on this new part of your journey.
Oct '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave -
My thoughts and prayers are with you as well - I've been through it with two grandmothers and my mother-in-law, and it's hard. To add to Mole-eye's advice above - as the disease progresses, you need to enter into conversations with your dad wherever his mind appears to be. My paternal grandmother was convinced that my dad worked as a spy at one point - we learned not to argue, but just pass on information from the world of espionage. My mother-in-law wanted to talk about Elvis and her own mother, so that's what we talked about with her.
I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on TV, but I ran into this article after my mother-in-law died last summer, and it intrigued me, so I thought I would pass it on - maybe it will help, and it probably won't hurt. http://www.coconutketones.com/WhatIfCure.pdf
May '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Sad to hear it, Dave. My grandpa had Alzheimer's for many years. I don't remember much of him before it. So my advice would be to ensure the grandkids have plenty of time with your dad as he is now.
It's really a blessing in disguise. God brought my extended family closer together and helped us to grow with my grandpa's condition. I'm convinced that God often delays a person's journey to eternal life less for that person's welfare than for the benefit of others; so that we may participate in sacrificial love and realize what really matters.
Also, the American spirit of independence makes reminders of our dependence on God even more vital. We all return to human dependence in old age.
Alzheimer's is like being drunk 24/7: the person's still there, but don't expect great conversation. Think of it like carrying your dad down the long road toward home after a night of too much drinking at a crawfish boil. It's rough going, but y'all will get there eventually. And food's even better where you're going. ;)
May '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Here's my favorite story about my grandpa when he was deep into Alzheimer's. I vaguely recall telling it before, when a friend of yours was diagnosed, but it's worth repeating. It shows there's humor to be found even in embarrassing, frustrating moments... and also that you can get away with some funny antics when you're loony.
My grandparents' house had a kitchen and living room separated only by a bar. The rooms adjoined side-to-side. It was afternoon and my grandma was making sandwhiches. I was reading a book and my grandpa was in the bathroom while his nurse watched TV.
I glanced up and saw Grandpa peeing on his wife's brand-new rug in the living room. She didn't notice. The nurse saw it first and frantically rushed to direct Grandpa back into the bathroom. We grabbed some paper towels and cleaned it up best we could. Then, the nurse shifted the couch slightly to cover the spot.
The whole time, blissfully ignorant, my grandma was making sandwhiches. To this day she doesn't know.
And now she (93) is incontinent and has pissed on the same rug. Life is funny.
May '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
What a beautiful way to express the loss. One of your greatest blessings, and one that may help you through this, Dave, is through your gift of writing. Not everyone can put to words the jumble of emotions that swirl inside them. You can.
Jun '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave.. my prayers also to you and your family
I'm 80 years old.. and still "have all my marbles".. as evidenced by completing the Times of London cryptic crossword each AM
But I do know it can strike tomorrow.. so I thank my Lord for each day
God bless you!