When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
It is at once a tired cliche' and a terrible truism that life isn't fair. None of us are safe from calamity. But sometimes, fate seems to take a wicked swipe at very good people in the worst way. I read with sadness and respect the letter that Ronald Reagan wrote when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Odd, I thought, and awful that those who have lived such rich and colorful lives should be deprived of the memories of such a journey.
But life isn't fair. As I sit here, struggling to put into words feelings that are caught in my throat, I think it would be best to just state it: So it is with my Dad's permission that I pass along his recent diagnosis of Alzheimer's. We've suspected, but we now have confirmation. As with most things, Dad has taken things with grace and humor. He said he can't remember what it was he was supposed to forget, so with that characteristic smile, he sees it as a simplification of life in general. Plus, he looks forward to hiding his own easter eggs anytime of the year he feels like it. Dad's wit is still very much alive, as evidenced by our recent discussion on whether or not the Christmas song, "God Rest Ye Merry Gentleman" was in fact an act of discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation (the word Merry being of dubious meaning). But the little things,…what day of the week it is, or the need to repeat information several times in a conversation, betray the insidious nature of the disease.
I find myself thinking of the unfairness, of course. Here is a person who has served our country in uniform, who served God and others while in the ministry, who leaves in his wake a sea of smiles and laughter at his ebullient personality and effervescent humor. A person whose father was a share cropper's son, whose family is overflowing with colorful stories and hilarious people, who at the age of 71, has every right to look back on a life well lived and simply chuckle at the memories,..and here is a disease that will rob him of that priceless treasure. And rob his family of enjoying those memories with him. That my friends, simply isn't fair.
I read in the Good Book that we won't be given more than we can bear,..and that all things work to the good for those who love Him. I believe it to be true and yet,….and yet I find myself asking why. It's not an improper question, is it? The inquisitive nature was instilled in me by the Almighty after all, so why should it be blasphemy to employ it?
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?" Matthew 6:26
And even as The Savior showed his love for us, so too can we, as Dad's family, show our love and thanks for him by meeting his needs as events and circumstances dictate. Who knows what further bonds will strengthen, or how many more lives will be touched over time. I don't have the answers. Would to God that I did. But I do know that my Dad will not lack for care or the things he needs. I've seen that happen in at least one instance,…and it will not happen on my watch. There may come a point when he doesn't even know who we are,…but he will know that he is surrounded by people who love him and will spare no effort to insure his comfort and well being, and that is exactly as it should be. That's what family does.
- Comment (49)
- · Quote
- · UnfollowFollow (6)
Comments :
Nov '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
What a sad and yet uplifting post, Mr. Carter. I "follow" you because I find that you so often touch on things that are both familiar and important to me. This is another instance of your doing so.
May the Lord bless and protect you and your father and give all of you who will be caring for him the strength and courage to meet the challenges of each day. I am thankful that you and he had the joy of your recent trip in your truck together.
God tempers the wind to the shorn lamb, I believe, and I am persuaded that he will do that in your father's cas
Pray let us know of his condition and yours from time to time.
Oct '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Linda and I simply want to express our own sorrow at what you and your father face in the years ahead. I am only 2 years younger than your father, so we feel the mortality of life growing closer to us every day.
If you have never seen the movie, The Notebook, we recommend it as a beautiful treatment of two lives impacted by Alzheimers.
And know that we will be praying for you both, and your family as you face a future where God will be your rock and your fortress. He is there.
Aug '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
In the final week of my father's three-year-long slide through dementia, he said to me over the phone, "Well, I guess I'm not being very scintillating." There's always something there!
For the family, this is a Manhood Check. Friend Dave, you will pass with flying colors. It is also a Womanhood Check. I am so proud of my sister.
Jul '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
All this time.... everything You have shared with Us with each luminous post.... this feels like Yer breaking the news about My Grandpa.
Yer among Family Here, Dave.
Jan '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Very sorry to hear of your father's condition. It sounds as if you have quite a family and that will be the key of getting through it. Build/strengthen that network as things progress.
We lost our mother to the same thing, luckly we were able to care for her in our homes, maintaining her dignity in a loving environment without requiring any facility care.
Treasure those lucid moments, I can still recall talking to Mom about how pretty the sunset was or how gorgeous the fall colors were, her talking about child rearing as my kids played near her, knowing that she couldn't remember their names but enjoying herself nonetheless.
Wishing you well.
May '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Beautifully written, Dave. It's a terrible and sad disease which strips our loved ones away from us one memory at a time. Ironically, in spite of the sadness and loss, there will be moments of bittersweet humor. I'm glad you get to enjoy as much Dad Time as possible in your line of work. Your dad is blessed to have you as a son as you are blessed to have your Dad.
Aug '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
I share your frustration with your father's diagnosis. I'm going back east to see my father in a couple of days. He has severe Alheimer's and has been in a nursing home for almost two years. I haven't seen him in about 18 months. He seemed to recognize me at the time.
I know that it provided our family a great deal of peace knowing he was well cared for and I am happy for you that won't be an issue. God bless your father and thanks for reminding me of that wonderful promise that always empowers me in hard times - that we won't be given more than we can bear (with His help obviously). That's huge to know isn't it ?
Nov '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Praying for you, your Father and all those impacted by this life-altering event! I know well the gifts of friends and loved ones with willing hands and open hearts. I have no doubt that those gifts are plentiful...God bless and keep you and yours, Mr. Carter.
Feb '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear this. I've taken care of lots of patients with dementia and I can tell you that it is invariably harder on the family than on the patient. Patients, as they worsen, frequently inhabit a pleasant oblivion, but families are left grieving for their loved one long before they pass away.
Though I'm a religious guy, I would caution you against over-interpreting the above well-wishers' assertions that we are only dealt what we can handle. I've seen lots of caregivers burn out under the strain of caring for a loved one with dementia. Relatives are frequently too proud or too scared to ask for help even when they can no longer manage on their own. Make sure that whoever is primarily responsible for caring for your dad knows that the job will get progressively harder and that getting help before it's overwhelming is better than after.
May the Almighty give you strength and your dad comfort.
Jul '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
I have a grandmother and two great aunts who are currently in the throws of this awful disease. Keep your head up and you and your family will pull through. Enjoy the good times and minimize the bad. A previous poster said this is the manhood/womanhood check. I would phrase it differently: G_d only sends us tests that we have the strength to overcome.
Bless you Mr. Carter.
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave, I'm so sorry to hear about your father's illness and to think of what your family may endure. That said, being around the dying and the demented often has its odd, surprising, joyful moments, and we usually learn to bear what we must more easily than we anticipate.
As to why…we don't get that answer this side of the grave, but the consolation of faith is that it does, indeed, all work out in the End when, we're given to hope, every tear shall be wiped away; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain, for the former things are passed away.
I'll keep your dad, you, and your family in my prayers. I wish you strength and every solace.
Mar '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave, I feel ill equipped to give advice, so all I can do for you, your father, and your family is pray.
Mar '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
So we do not lose heart. Even though our outer nature is wasting away, our inner nature is being renewed day by day. For this slight momentary affliction is preparing us for an eternal weight of glory beyond all measure, because we look not at what can be seen but at what cannot be seen; for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal. -- (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
Your father, your family, and you are all in my prayers.
May '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dear Dave,
I'm so sorry! But totally confident, too, that you and your family will meet this challenge with great courage and grace. That characteristic sense of humor will definitely come in handy.
Today I had a hospice visit with a lady with dementia. She kept losing the thread of the conversation and throwing in malapropisms and non-sequisters. "My bruises" when she meant "my brothers." But she was radiant with sweetness and joy--beaming smiles and ready laughter. It was beautiful to see.
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
9And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
10Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.
(2 Corninthians 12)
Dave, your father is indeed strong. I pray for a miraculous recovery or, failing that, a positively glacial progression.
My own father, aged 69, passed away from a brain tumor five years ago, so I know something of the challenges you all are likely to face.
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dear Dave,
My heart goes out to you, and all those who care for your father. It IS harder on the caregivers. I watched my father slide into Alzheimers, until Hurricane Katrina made he and his wife flee to Atlanta. He ended up in a care facility for four days when he broke his hip. There there was no recovery after that.
Now I am going through it with my husband's mother.
My advice: Try not to lose your good humor. One Thanksgiving when my father was deeply effected by the disease and knew he could no longer remember names, he looked around the table at the ten of us and made a thoughtful decision. Pointing to each of us, he said with a twinkle in his eye: "You're Emily. You're Emily. You're Emily. And You're Emily."
Nor lose your sense of wonder. When my South African father was in hospice in rural Georgia, we found a Christian missionary who spoke Afrikaans. My father could no longer converse in English, and yet he could in his first language. The Missionary made several visits to talk with my father. It was a great comfort.
Aug '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Doctor Bean:
Though I'm a religious guy, I would caution you against over-interpreting the above well-wishers' assertions that we are only dealt what we can handle. I've seen lots of caregivers burn out under the strain of caring for a loved one with dementia... Make sure that whoever is primarily responsible for caring for your dad knows that the job will get progressively harder.
Amen, Dr B.
Well, we can hope that Alzheimer's patients are getting a foretaste of what it's like for the former things to have passed away, right?
Jul '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave, I'll keep you and your family in my prayers. I lost my grandfather to Alzheimers several years ago, and I would not wish that experience on anyone. Cling to the Lord and your loved ones for support.
May '11
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Dave,
I know words are cold comfort, but I and my family are praying for you. The wit and humor of your father in the face of this is an amazing example of what great courage truly is. Know that whatever strength you need, God will provide.
Jun '10
Re: When The Diagnosis Is Alzheimer's
Prayers and warm wishes to you, Dave. The same go to your father. May you and he be lifted up on wings of eagles. The cyber community, commonly known as Ricochet, has your back as best we can. You have God's ear.