When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
Over at the New York Times‘ Motherlode blog, recent Stanford graduate Emily Layden reports on a disturbing new trend that’s gone viral among adolescents–Facebook bullying:
My little brother went to school on a Friday morning last June, and this is what he heard: That another boy, a sixth-grader, had written a Facebook status the previous night asking his friends to “like” it if they hated my brother. The “like if you hate” question, the last time this informant had checked, had gotten 57 thumbs-up. Verification for my brother’s generation–the younger half of my own–is a statistical rat race, counted in friends, followers, re-tweets and re-pins. On an ordinary Friday morning, my brother learned that his name had garnered 57 “like if you hates.” . . .
This sad fact reflects a reality that Mark Bauerlein wrote about in his excellent essay, “The Separate Lives of Adolescents,” for the book Acculturated: that with the rise of Facebook and smart phones, tweens and teens are now living, 24/7, in the social world of their peers.
The social world of Facebook is, for adolescents, a mirror image of the social world of school. Both are defined by status, group think, and peer pressure. So it’s no surprise that cyber-bullying would be a feature of the Facebook world of adolescents.
What is surprising is how prominent and popular the trend is. For a post written by kid who, I would guess, isn’t trained in social media management, 57 “likes” (for a hate) is quite an extraordinary number. In the absence of the Facebook post, how many of those 57 haters, I wonder, would have actually bullied Layden’s little brother in school? Probably only a couple–if that: the kid who wrote the post in the first place and, possibly, his friends. But on Facebook, the bullying took on a power in numbers that you was unusual. So what’s going on here?
Kids will always be vulnerable to peer pressure, which leads them to do, in many cases, stupid things. But at school, not doing something dumb is easier than doing something dumb, given the consequences of flouting the standards of good behavior. In other words, the social pressure imposed by adults in the school setting is part of the reason why there are relatively few bullies around. On Facebook, the situation is different. There are little to no social sanctions in that virtual setting.
Beyond that, simply hitting a “Like” button is so easy and mindless. It is such a simple way to declare yourself as part of the group, which–let’s face it–is what all adolescents yearn for. Social media analysts have found that once an item is “liked” by a handful of people, more and more people will continue to like it. It’s the principle of groupthink on the digital level. This is a brilliant insight for marketing. Unfortunately, bullies, who are in the business of marketing mean-spiritedness, can use that principle to their advantage.
Then there’s the issue of quasi-anonymity on Facebook. Because adults don’t seem to be lurking on Facebook, kids feel free to post things, make comments, and “like” items that they otherwise wouldn’t. Their Facebook identities develop into something quite different than their school identities. At school, they are trying to impress both their friends and their teachers, and so they are somewhat aware that they have to be at their best. On Facebook, they are only trying to impress their friends. My recommendation is for parents and teachers to friend their students and kids. That way, we’ll all be more responsible about what we post and don’t post.
Layden concludes that this gap between the social world of Facebook and the real world is really an artificial one:
There is no jurisdiction for the bullied, no separation between Web and reality. On the Monday after the Facebook incident, my brother dreaded school for fear of facing his 57 bullies, who probably never gave their likes a second thought. The answer is not to teach our middle-schoolers that they are not who they are online. It is, actually, quite the opposite. It is too late to establish distance. To end cyberbullying, we must use the closeness we’ve allowed to breed to our advantage. We must teach them that if one is a cowardly, bullying, rage-baiter online–no matter how many laughs had or page views generated or ad space sold–then one is a bully off-screen, too.
If you “like” what a bully has to say, then that makes you a bully too.
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Comments:
Feb '12
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
Several years ago, I friended one of the little girls I used to babysit, then in high school. One of her posts was a conversation with her boyfriend that included as a kicker "but we only kissed that time." I called her dad and sent a screen clipping to his email, who tried to inform me that her mother did monitor the girl's use. I tried not to laugh.
If you aren't reading every post your child puts up, you have no clue what s/he is getting up to, whether it's cyber-bullying or more mundane trouble. And moreover, it's not all that hard to blacklist friends and cut parents out of the loop (which I will say is a feature I use quite often myself).
May '10
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
Home schooling. It insulates kids from the "surface chop" of the ocean of adolescence.
Don't worry about "socialization" or "learning how to deal with it." They get plenty of that at church, the Y, Scouts, athletics, &tc. &tc.
Dec '10
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
This is why I not only closely monitor my daughter's facebook account but use it to communicate with her as well. She knows I'm there, perhaps even more often virtually than physically (work and all that.)
It also helps that she's facebook friends with both grandmothers. The first inappropriate language she posted got a stearn rebuke from them. In her virtual world she's always in the presence of her grandmothers, and all of us behaving as though our grandmother's are watching would go a long way to solving some of our social problems.
Jun '12
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
This is why I have absolutely nothing to do with Facebook. Period.
Apr '11
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
I find people like to over emphasize the melodrama of childhood. I don't ever recall my childhood being filled with "status, group think, and peer pressure."
Aug '10
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
Since the anti-bullying campaign is probably a stalking horse for gay affirmative action programs, this very real instance of bullying vis a vis Facebook will most likely go unpunished and unresolved. The logical solutions of parents taking their phones away will also be met with cries of Luddite ! Or switching the phones back to just phones unable to access facebook but good enough to call home.
The playground is a tough place and they'll never be able to change it.
Lord of Flies was peopled by adolescent boys, a metaphor in the end but completely plausible on the surface.
As for the girls, don't they glamorize their attitudes in things like Mean Girls, etc. ?
Jul '12
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
Amy Schley:
If you aren't reading every post your child puts up, you have no clue what s/he is getting up to, whether it's cyber-bullying or more mundane trouble. And moreover, it's not all that hard to blacklist friends and cut parents out of the loop (which I will say is a feature I use quite often myself). · 14 minutes ago
My daughter's been on Facebook for over a year now, and at first I thought she just wasn't using it much. Then I realized that she and her friends had just created a private group, and do all of their posting within that group. (She's a good kid, so I'm not worried. But this does reinforce Amy's point that Facebook activity is only as public as you want it to be.)
My other comment on the original story is just this: what are sixth graders doing on Facebook? The terms of service explicitly exclude anyone younger than 13. I know that many younger kids routinely circumvent that restriction by lying about their ages, but I don't understand why so many parents willingly go along with that.
Jul '12
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
I think this is a problem with e-mails and cyber communication in general. People post,e-mail and text things they would never say to a person face-to-face. The anonymity makes this even worse. The increasing isolation and atomization of modern life worsens this further. I think this type of thing will worsen in the future
Edited on September 12, 2012 at 5:36pmSep '10
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
What about raising kids to not worry about what other people think? This necessarily requires that the parents not care what their peer group thinks, which, in my opinion, is the root of the problem.
Many parents today still have adolescent maturity - this is why Kardashians, US magazine, celebrity gossip, etc. are so popular. We all want to to be liked, be popular. We look for affirmation in what we say and do (don't forget to click the "Like" button below).
What about teaching our children to just be themselves, be comfortable with who they are? That's how we're trying to raise our boys - to be independent thinkers and not follow the crowd. So far (knock on wood and sometimes their heads), we've been successful.
Jul '12
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
Thank you, Valiuth. I can't imagine caring if 57 kids at my junior high hated me; the actual number was probably far higher. Kids are stupid, and junior high students are as lost as they come. What matters is being able to ignore the contempt of those whose respect you don't value, and knowing the difference between those whose respect means something and those whose opinions truly do not matter.
I think I was fortune to grow up in the "Just Say No" era when we were inculcated with the importance of not caring was useless people think of you. Now, every slight is made up to be a tragedy--and the likely result is that each of these issues is allowed to do even more damage by parents suggesting to their children that it's a trauma, rather than just dumb kids doing dumb kid things.
Give your kids a sense of self worth by fostering talent and moral character. They'll weather the storm.
Apr '12
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
...Why would it be startling that kids who are jerks at school are jerks online? (And, sadly, most kids are going to be manipulative, vicious and lacking in empathy; it takes time and effort to civilize, and school socalization tends to reward the wrong stuff.) If you do manage to raise your kids to a higher level of maturity than their classmates, it sets them up for a rather hellish social field-- unless they're very good at hiding it. (I wasn't, my sister is.)
My girls won't be on 'social networking' before they're old enough per the TOS-- or they won't be getting on it until they buy their own internet access-- but I like the internet for socializing, preferably with people you don't know first hand. On the day I was voted most likely to pull a Columbine, I knew I could go talk to people who could properly use a semicolon and had something worth saying.
I think it's an effect of making grades by age, rather than having subject grades by ability.
Aug '10
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
How is this any different from the passed note with two boxes marked
Does Suzy ___like me or ___not ?
Technology is all that separates.
Jan '11
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
Parents need to parent. We must monitor facebook postings just enough that children know we're aware of what they're doing. If necessary, confiscate cell/smart phones and shut down our LANs at night. Yes they will yell & scream just as they did when they were toddlers. We'll survive the tantrums & our children will be better adults.
Older daughter liked a comment on a thread that contained disrespectful remarks about an adult. She got an earful from me and her father. The like was promptly removed. So far, no repeated misbehavior.
Apr '12
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
Richard VanderHoek:
What about teaching our children to just be themselves, be comfortable with who they are? That's how we're trying to raise our boys - to be independent thinkers and not follow the crowd. So far (knock on wood and sometimes their heads), we've been successful. · 25 minutes ago
It's a good thing to teach.
But it can be very, very lonely. Cultivating courage and confidence is not easy, especially when some teachers are going to do their best to knock any kid that seems confident down a peg. My teachers weren't too bad, and I had enough confidence to respond rather than bowing, but I think most folks have heard that barely coherent woman yelling at the kid for not being an Obama supporter. There's a woman who wouldn't flinch from lying to harm someone they disagree with, nor abusing authority to tear them down.
It's hard to be comfortable with who you are when you aren't entirely sure who you are. Growing up is supposed to be about figuring that out.
Edited on September 12, 2012 at 6:16pmApr '12
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
I found that it worked exactly the opposite.
I was never called a third of the things in text that I was called face-to-face by my tormentors; once it's written down, it's not he-said-she-said. If you agree to do X, Y and Z in an email, and that person keeps the email, you can't claim credit for the work they did when it's time for grading. Facebook is a bit more challenging, what with delete and edit, but the meme "screen shot or it didn't happen" comes to your aid there. School email systems are nice.
Oct '10
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
Kids are jerks. Herding kids together in giant artificial communities concentrates the jerkness. But let's not define bullying down, either.
Jun '10
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
Lemons and lemonade: The currency of semi-anonymous social critique and peer pressure is being inflated; it purchases less and less shame and conformity.
when you get :
57 "hates" on a Friday
38 "losers" on Tuesday
20 "creepers" on a Thursday
week after week - your sense of proportion adjusts to the world you inhabit.
The current phrase to deal with it - "haters gonna hate." (click on image to see full animation)
Is this a good thing? Yes and No. Kids will HAVE to learn to deal with criticism with artistry to survive, which will lead to more creativity. However, without a true north, without a set of judgments that people take seriously because they are GOOD, we set the stage for moral relativism.
Edited on September 12, 2012 at 7:41pmAgain, fortunately, the faster you get to moral relativism, the sooner you find out it is bankrupt and start asking deeper questions - into the question of goodness/ethics.
The question becomes - Who are your peeps?
Ricochet.
Jun '12
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
I had a horrible time in elementary and Jr. High school. Segregated because I was disabled, and bullied and all sorts of things that I've posted about in another thread. I can't imagine what it would have been like if Facebook had been around back in the '70's. I do not have kids (not for a lack of trying), so I really can't comment on the post per se, but I do notice that kids are acting out more than they did when I was one... I fear for our future children when even simple courtesy is thrown out the window. I've had THAT happen (recently) too.
Feb '11
Re: When Hatred & Bullying Go Viral on Facebook
Yes. Couple that with the absurd zero tolerance for physical altercations between kids. I'm not advocating vigilante justice, but a swift pop in the nose of a bully has done more to stop bullying than anything else. It doesn't have to escalate. It tends to stop the issue right there. Most bullies, at heart, are cowards (look at our President).