What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Forget about having a big wedding. We should all just elope. So argues Torie Bosch in Slate, explaining why she chose to tie the knot with her husband the quick and dirty way, rather than having a formal ceremony.
She writes:
The obvious reason to elope is the money. Over the summer, Brides magazine reported that, even in these tough economic times, the average couple spends nearly $27,000 on their nuptials. I have some doubts about that figure—the respondents were readers of Brides magazine and its website, a group already inclined to go veils-to-the-wall for a wedding. But there is no question that weddings, even those done on the cheap, cost far more than many couples can afford. While I have no qualms with the well-off (and their parents) shelling out for a classy affair, I did not want to go into debt or decimate my hard-earned savings for a party.
My primary objections to a “real” wedding go beyond the financial, however.
Her first reason basically boils down this: She doesn’t think a wedding is worth the time and effort it takes to plan. She would rather veg out after a tiring week at work than deal with wedding planning:
There’s the time it takes to plan a soiree for so many people. The travel to and fro to evaluate venues, the endless phone calls with vendors, crafting the perfect guest list—and, if you’re a modern bride, plain old crafting to capture that chic Etsy vibe. It’s not that my time is so valuable. My normal Saturday routine is Zumba followed by some mix of Bravo reruns, Netflix marathons, and reading. But I cherish, even need those hours of vegging after a full work week. Planning a wedding, in extreme cases, becomes akin to a job, one that costs money instead of bringing it in.
Second, she argues that the wedding is about us (the couple) and not them (the family and friends):
But perhaps the best reason to elope is that a wedding should be about the marriage. It wasn’t my day, but our day—mine and Chris’ alone.
Many men and women have told me that their weddings were so frantic—worrying about whether the caterer was late, whether a simmering family feud was about to boil over, whether everyone who should have been thanked was acknowledged—that it felt like a blur. We all know people who were too busy on their wedding day to eat the food that they so carefully selected—and if that isn’t a demonstration that a wedding is for everyone else but the couple, I don’t know what is.
Her description of her wedding–-the five-minute ceremony, the sandwich shop, the taxi-cab ride–-reminds of the famous and very modern wedding depicted on the show Grey’s Anatomy. Grey’s is about a bunch of career-obsessed surgeons, and the show mainly focuses on the relationship of two doctors, Meredith and Derek.
Their relationship starts as a series of hook ups, progresses to something like dating, continues on to an unofficial “post-it note” wedding (they declare their non-binding vows and commitment to each other on a little sticky), and two years later–-after they decide to adopt a child–-their relationship culminates in a no-frills ceremony at City Hall, at which Meredith wears a black suit.
This picture of marriage is self-consciously modern (and feminist): Who has time for a real wedding (let along nine months of pregnancy)? Why bother with a white dress? We are all too busy for such petty concerns. That’s the message we get from Grey’s and from Bosch’s piece, which appeared on Slate‘s women’s blog, Double X.
Like Bosch, I’ve never fantasized much about weddings or white dresses. And I agree with her that there is a virtue in humble weddings, given how some brides–bridezillas–can overdo it, making everyone around them miserable.That said, I love attending weddings and think that they are beautiful and necessary ceremonies.
But for Bosch and the writers of Grey’s, marriage is a self-directed and utilitarian affair. This is where they miss the point about what the purpose of a wedding truly is.
The wedding is not about the bride and the groom–-and never has been. It’s about the community–-the friends and family–-who supported the bride and groom throughout their lives, and, in that way, made their marriage possible. Weddings everywhere are community affairs–-sometimes, even very public ones, as in the case of Will and Kate in England. That’s because, by getting married, the couple is entering into the community of adults and citizens formally, and that’s an important step which must be acknowledged, celebrated, and ritualized for the sake of the community and its continuity.
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Comments:
Mar '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Misthiocracy
I don't buy that for a second, and I'd love to see some statistics to back it up.
If anything, I would bet the other way. It seems to me that couples are very often consumed with the idea of throwing a great party and have given very little consideration to the actual marriage.
Either way, it would certainly be interesting to see a study.
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
Two things. You do know that "military-industrial complex" was a term invented by Dwight Eisenhower, right? Gen. Eisenhower, in his farewell address to the nation, warned of the dangers of the military-industrial complex. He was hardly an anti-war extremist and his words -- the whole passage should be read -- were wise.
Notwithstanding, a Google search of "military-industrial complex" will reveal who uses the phrase these days. It's the Rachel Maddows and Ed Schulzes of the world, not the David Petraeus and Ray Odiernos.
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Mollie Hemingway
Similarly, those who decry the wedding-industrial complex tend to be people who care a great deal about marriage. There is absolutely nothing about free-market capitalism that requires we must silently avoid weighing in on moral issues.
You're calling the wedding-industrial complex a moral issue? This confuses me. I see how the porn industry is a moral issue, but a baker, or a caterer, or a photographer? I bristle at lumping a bunch of small businesses into some category that we condemn.
Anyway, my wedding was in my parents' yard. My mom baked cupcakes; a friend who owns a liquor distribution company donated beer and tequila; the leader of my church's Beatles Choir did the DJing; a colleague of my husband's led the hymn and did a solo of Morning Has Broken; my former roommate designed my invitations, programs, menu, and favors; and my husband's father, who is in the wholesale flower industry took care of the flowers. All that, and the wedding was still a fair expense.
But to hear that one doesn't care about marriage if they spend money on a wedding is weird, to say the least.
Feb '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.
Misthiocracy
.....
No, no it isn't.
I consider myself a libertarian, and I celebrate community.
The difference is that I don't believe community can be legislated. Community must be voluntary.
Amen! I can't imagine being more concerned about community, and I'm libertarian. In fact, it's my belief that communities should be powerful -- and not the government -- that drives my libertarianism.
That's all fair. My claim is by no means absolute. But I do get that feeling sometimes (certainly Mollie and Misthiocracy - at the very least - excluded).
However, the comments from both of you drawing a distinction between government and community are some indication that I'm not completely off base. Of course they're different, but they're very much related and I believe that community has some inherent authority - as an extension and magnification of individual authority. Yes it's dangerous and undesirable to go too far in expanding and extending the idea of community, and it's difficult to find the right balance, but community can be and is legislated all the time: obscenity laws, zoning laws, permitting regulations (bars and strip joints), noise ordinances, curfews, etc.
Edited on September 27, 2012 at 8:03pmSep '10
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Ed G.
Also, I'm curious if you have any communal or familial events that you think fondly of. Your characterization of a wedding as an unwelcome imposition on all involved is so unlike any of my experience with weddings; do you have any celebrations where people get together and gifts are freely given and accepted? · 4 hours ago
That's a good question, and no, I don't. I don't come from a happy family, and neither does my husband. All family celebrations are attended out of my sense of Christian 5th Commandment duty, but it's a real sacrifice. I'm a happy functional adult in spite of my family, not because of them, and as such I take pains to conceal my feelings and participate fully in these occasions out of sensitivity to their feelings. But there is no way I was going to pay for the privilege of having them ruin my wedding day.
I think social cons simply can't imagine what an unhappy home is like, or why this endless family values boosterism rings so hollow even to those of us over here on the right end of things.
Aug '10
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Ed G.
...but community can be and is legislated all the time: obscenity laws, zoning laws, permitting regulations (bars and strip joints), noise ordinances, curfews, etc.
Which is precisely why I believe in subsidiarity. I have much less problem with these sorts of issues legislated at the municipal level, because it's a heck of a lot easier for someone to move to a different municipality than it is to move to a different state or country.
Edited on September 27, 2012 at 9:07pmFeb '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Misthiocracy
Ed G.
...but community can be and is legislated all the time: obscenity laws, zoning laws, permitting regulations (bars and strip joints), noise ordinances, curfews, etc.
Which is precisely why I believe in subsidiarity. I have much less problem with these sorts of issues legislated at the municipal level, because it's a heck of a lot easier for someone to move to a different municipality than it is to move to a different state or country. · 33 minutes ago
Edited 32 minutes ago
Agreed on subsidiarity. Though, while you have less of a problem with these issues being legislated at the local level, I have no problem with it. My sense is that libertarians, generally, aren't necessarily as accepting of this situation as you seem to be. Obviously not all, but certainly enough that your acceptance of obscenity laws would be fairly controversial amongst self-identified libertarians.
Feb '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Miss Conduct
.....
That's a good question, and no, I don't. I don't come from a happy family, and neither does my husband. All family celebrations are attended out of my sense of Christian 5th Commandment duty, but it's a real sacrifice. I'm a happy functional adult in spite of my family, not because of them, and as such I take pains to conceal my feelings and participate fully in these occasions out of sensitivity to their feelings. .....
I'm sorry to hear that your familial circumstances aren't good. I hope you and your husband are able to build something good.
On a side note, I was confused by your reference to the 5th commandment. I didn't realize that the commandments weren't standardized, so according to my version the 5th is Thou Shalt Not Kill. I dunno, maybe you have to keep that one in mind too when you attend your family events. ;-)
Feb '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Miss Conduct
.....
But there is no way I was going to pay for the privilege of having them ruin my wedding day.
.....
Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and no one should have to inflict real pain and suffering on themselves out of a sense of duty to those that don't necessarily deserve it. The exception doesn't mean the rule is wrong, though.
Feb '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Miss Conduct
.....
I think social cons simply can't imagine what an unhappy home is like, or why this endless family values boosterism rings so hollow even to those of us over here on the right end of things.
I don't think it's correct that social cons don't know what an unhappy home is like. All too many of us do know what it's like; that doesn't mean we're incapable of recognizing the great good that could come from a functional and happy home or the relief that a cohesive extended family/community can bring to people suffering a broken family. I don't know anything about your situation so I won't even attempt to relate any of this to your story, but the people I know who've suffered an unhappy family life are some of the biggest boosters of family values because they've experienced firsthand the pain and suffering inflicted when it goes wrong and some also eventually experience firsthand the joy and good accrued by all when it goes right. You call it hollow boosterism, I call it rational advocacy.
Feb '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Sorry to get so far off topic.
Aug '10
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Misthiocracy
I don't buy that for a second, and I'd love to see some statistics to back it up.
My parents, in their late 70s and still married, didn't have a big wedding.
My grandparents didn't have a big wedding.
My great-grandparents didn't have a big wedding.
Etc.
Because, back then, big weddings were the exception, not the rule.
I don't have any statistics; I'm just expressing my intuition. That's okay to do here, right? And I didn't say that I thought it made it likely that the marriage would end in divorce, only slightly more likely, so even a dozen counterexamples don't disprove it. I only base it on the observation that cultural customs tend to evolve in a positive direction more often than a negative--that's what evolution does: reward beneficial characteristics with survival. Not a hard and fast rule, just a natural bias built into reality.
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Ed G.
Miss Conduct
.....
That's a good question, and no, I don't. I don't come from a happy family, and neither does my husband. All family celebrations are attended out of my sense of Christian 5th Commandment duty, but it's a real sacrifice....
On a side note, I was confused by your reference to the 5th commandment. I didn't realize that the commandments weren't standardized, so according to my version the 5th is Thou Shalt Not Kill. I dunno, maybe you have to keep that one in mind too when you attend your family events. ;-) · 1 hour ago
Like Miss Conduct, I know the Fifth Commandment to be honor thy father and thy mother as well. That's how all versions of the Christian Bible list them in Exodus 20 and Deuteronomy 5. However, I learned something very interesting about the differences between the Philonic, Talmudic, and Augustinian divisions of the 10 commandments by looking on Wikipedia. Those who use the Augustinian division (mainly Catholics & Lutherans) combine the 1st & 2nd commandments into one and divide the 10th into two. Fascinating.