What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Forget about having a big wedding. We should all just elope. So argues Torie Bosch in Slate, explaining why she chose to tie the knot with her husband the quick and dirty way, rather than having a formal ceremony.
She writes:
The obvious reason to elope is the money. Over the summer, Brides magazine reported that, even in these tough economic times, the average couple spends nearly $27,000 on their nuptials. I have some doubts about that figure—the respondents were readers of Brides magazine and its website, a group already inclined to go veils-to-the-wall for a wedding. But there is no question that weddings, even those done on the cheap, cost far more than many couples can afford. While I have no qualms with the well-off (and their parents) shelling out for a classy affair, I did not want to go into debt or decimate my hard-earned savings for a party.
My primary objections to a “real” wedding go beyond the financial, however.
Her first reason basically boils down this: She doesn’t think a wedding is worth the time and effort it takes to plan. She would rather veg out after a tiring week at work than deal with wedding planning:
There’s the time it takes to plan a soiree for so many people. The travel to and fro to evaluate venues, the endless phone calls with vendors, crafting the perfect guest list—and, if you’re a modern bride, plain old crafting to capture that chic Etsy vibe. It’s not that my time is so valuable. My normal Saturday routine is Zumba followed by some mix of Bravo reruns, Netflix marathons, and reading. But I cherish, even need those hours of vegging after a full work week. Planning a wedding, in extreme cases, becomes akin to a job, one that costs money instead of bringing it in.
Second, she argues that the wedding is about us (the couple) and not them (the family and friends):
But perhaps the best reason to elope is that a wedding should be about the marriage. It wasn’t my day, but our day—mine and Chris’ alone.
Many men and women have told me that their weddings were so frantic—worrying about whether the caterer was late, whether a simmering family feud was about to boil over, whether everyone who should have been thanked was acknowledged—that it felt like a blur. We all know people who were too busy on their wedding day to eat the food that they so carefully selected—and if that isn’t a demonstration that a wedding is for everyone else but the couple, I don’t know what is.
Her description of her wedding–-the five-minute ceremony, the sandwich shop, the taxi-cab ride–-reminds of the famous and very modern wedding depicted on the show Grey’s Anatomy. Grey’s is about a bunch of career-obsessed surgeons, and the show mainly focuses on the relationship of two doctors, Meredith and Derek.
Their relationship starts as a series of hook ups, progresses to something like dating, continues on to an unofficial “post-it note” wedding (they declare their non-binding vows and commitment to each other on a little sticky), and two years later–-after they decide to adopt a child–-their relationship culminates in a no-frills ceremony at City Hall, at which Meredith wears a black suit.
This picture of marriage is self-consciously modern (and feminist): Who has time for a real wedding (let along nine months of pregnancy)? Why bother with a white dress? We are all too busy for such petty concerns. That’s the message we get from Grey’s and from Bosch’s piece, which appeared on Slate‘s women’s blog, Double X.
Like Bosch, I’ve never fantasized much about weddings or white dresses. And I agree with her that there is a virtue in humble weddings, given how some brides–bridezillas–can overdo it, making everyone around them miserable.That said, I love attending weddings and think that they are beautiful and necessary ceremonies.
But for Bosch and the writers of Grey’s, marriage is a self-directed and utilitarian affair. This is where they miss the point about what the purpose of a wedding truly is.
The wedding is not about the bride and the groom–-and never has been. It’s about the community–-the friends and family–-who supported the bride and groom throughout their lives, and, in that way, made their marriage possible. Weddings everywhere are community affairs–-sometimes, even very public ones, as in the case of Will and Kate in England. That’s because, by getting married, the couple is entering into the community of adults and citizens formally, and that’s an important step which must be acknowledged, celebrated, and ritualized for the sake of the community and its continuity.
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Comments:
Apr '12
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
As a wedding officiant, I experience many weddings of all kinds. I have been amazed by the extravagance of some, and the frugality of others.
Hopefully it's a once-in-a-lifetime event, and many treat it as such. And yes, there is an entire industry that can cater to one's every whim and fancy. Of course that's not free.
But elopement may deny your friends the opportunity to share one of the most joyous moments of your life. I have presided over several. Of those, many ended up throwing a big party at a later date and renewing their vows, while most of their guests thought is was the first time.
Reason should prevail, but often does not. How many doo-dads with your names and today's date do your guests need? (or want?) Photo-labeled wine bottles with cardboard-box-quality wine? I'm often amazed at the thousands spent by penniless couples on meaningless baubles.
There IS a "middle ground" between a grand gala and a pauper's elopement. I have officiated many beautiful weddings where, with help from friends and family, a breathtaking ceremony didn't break the bank.
Sep '12
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
I think there is a lot of truth here. I've long thought that the reason weddings have become so much bigger and more extravagant is that couples instinctively realize that marriage should be a "big deal". Back in the day it was. You were having sex for the first time, living together for the first time, often moving out on your own for the first time, making a lifelong committment, etc. When a couple has done things backwards though (had sex, shacked up, possibly a kid or two, been taught to think of divorce as a real and present option), there's nothing to make the day special, except to have a massive party.
Like several other people here though, I'd say that anyone who wants the day to be "about us" rather than about two families has missed the point. A little wedding is fine (preferable actually), but include your loved ones.
Feb '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Don't forget that weddings aren't all expense and headaches. My wife and I probably came out close to breaking even or a little better considering shower gifts and wedding day gifts. Of course we would have had a big (though not expensive) wedding anyway (we both have large extended families) because we had a more traditional view of what we were doing, why, and who should be a part of it.
Sep '10
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
KC Mulville: It gets to the heart of what marriage is. It's the creation of a new family.
The traditional understanding is that your families have a right to be there, not just because you like them, but because marriage is a function of families. It's a family event. A wedding is more than just a private covenant between individuals.
Precisely why a writer from Slate, a definitively liberal outfit, is questioning the whole enterprise. Anything to call into question the definition of and importance of family. It's been going on for almost as long as I've been alive, five decades and counting, and it is unlikely to stop any time soon.
Sep '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Right out of college I worked in hotels for a couple of years, including one in New Jersey that was very much part of the Wedding Industry. In 1981 I handed one father of the bride a bill for $57,000.
I lectured my two oldest girls about that--and my other experiences refereeing wedding receptions, throughout their childhoods. When it came time for marriage, they understood the covenant view of marriage completely.
Daughter #2 was married in our church, during the Christmas break of her junior year at UConn. She was an acting major, and included a dramatic reading of parts of the Song of Solomon in the wedding (performed by six of her classmates). The reception was a blast--it helps, Daughter #2 explained, when you have twenty or so trained dancers among the guests.
Total cost: less than $2,000. Which was recouped on the first day of the second semester, when--as the newly-married wife of a Connecticut resident--she now qualified for in-state tuition.
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Sep '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
(Cont'd from #25)
Daughter #1 had been talking about marriage with her young man--but he was due to deploy to Iraq shortly, so they were figuring they'd get married after he returned.
Or they were, until his First Sergeant got wind of this. He was abrupt: if you're going to marry, do it now. Do not wait--because if anything happens to you, she will have no standing at all with the Army. She won't get a phone call, she won't be able to see you--if you're in the hospital in Germany and she flies there, they will not let her in the door. Do it now."
She flew out on Friday, had the engagement party Saturday night, and married at the magistrate on Monday afternoon. Total cost, $48.
After Daughter[1].Husband returned home (13 months later) we did the whole ceremony, with our pastor, most of the church, and all of both her family and his. (Not to mention Goblin, the first pony she ever owned.)
Total cost: less than $2,000.
Apr '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Two years ago I had two nieces get married 1 month apart. Niece 1 wanted a simple wedding and casual reception. Niece 2 worked in the wedding industry so went for the full blown winery, fancy dress, etc wedding.
Now, I despise the wedding industrial complex as much as anybody, but, the concept of "Let's not buy flowers,let's just pick them from friends gardens" seems great. Until the morning of the wedding when the bride's mom and friends are running around picking flowers. I was out in a borrowed a pick-up borrowing chairs and tables etc. (I did not mind, but it added complexity).
The industrial wedding? Flowers all there, chairs all there all easy on the day. Sometimes the industrial complex exists for a reason.
Both great weddings and the each have a baby girl.
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
All the talk of the "wedding-industrial complex" has a disquieting vibe to someone who is a pro-free enterprise capitalist. I think most here agree that a high divorce rate, selfish greed, materialism, etc are all bad things. But spending money you yourself earn in a way you see fit? Maybe I just bristle at the term because it's so similar to "military industrial complex" and the only people who use that term are anti-war extremists.
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
One more related thought: I enjoy really delicious food. It's satisfying to make a great meal at home at as low a cost as possible. But that doesn't mean I have a problem with people who go spend $150 at a restaurant for a nice meal and some wine. (And I certainly have never heard of the "restaurant industrial complex" even though restaurants are indeed an industry. )
Aug '12
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Weddings are no longer an affordable luxury though like eating out. To do one to "keep up with the Joneses" requires you to spend since it is such a public social affair.
The issue in this discussion comes back to the idea of conspicuous consumption to elevate a ceremony to some height that should inherently be special. The best weddings I have been a part of are the ones in which people are the most conscious of what they are there for: each other. Not for the glitz and glam. Give me a well thought out guest list but minimum frills. The good folks will take care of the rest.
Sep '10
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
All this talk about "community" (a sacred cow liberals are rather fond of invoking), and all the personal money, time, and happiness I need to sacrifice for it, seems creepily collectivist. This is really one of those things that divides the social cons from the libertarians, isn't it? I am appalled that anyone would think I somehow owed it to society to go tens of thousands of dollars into debt for a boring party my husband and I would both hate and be miserable at.
I've never liked weddings. They're awful, mostly--boring and tacky, lame food, uncomfortable clothes, ghastly music. I would never force that upon my loved ones just so I could invoice them for an expensive gift. I don't believe most men like them any better than I do. Certainly my beloved husband doesn't. So we eloped. It was wildly romantic. I suppose my poor mother might have liked to see it but then we'd have had to invite all the warring family factions and referee the grudgefest endlessly--no thank you. Guess I'm with the Godless liberals on this one.
Aug '10
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
I suspect that having an expensive, major production for a wedding puts a bit of a finger on the scale in favor of sticking it out if things get rough. A quick, casual marriage may be a tad more likely to lead to a quick, casual divorce.
Feb '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Yes. Yes it is. Community: that entity incomprehensible to libertarians (I sometimes get that feeling anyway). You don't have to be a collectivist to value community. I don't view the wedding as a sacrifice for people I don't much care about, rather I would call it a celebration to be shared with people I should care about. Weddings are also a rare opportunity to reconnect with people and build new relationships. Big, happy moments are indeed cause for celebration, and I don't understand why I would want to narrowly restrict the list of people to share it with.
Feb '11
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Miss Conduct: .....I am appalled that anyone would think I somehowowed it to society to go tens of thousands of dollars into debt for a boring party my husband and I would both hate and be miserable at.
I've never liked weddings. They're awful, mostly--boring and tacky, lame food, uncomfortable clothes, ghastly music. I would never force that upon my loved ones just so I could invoice them for an expensive gift. .....
I don't think anyone said or thinks that you owe it to society to go thousands of dollars into debt. You can structure a wedding in any way you want, and you don't need to have a huge expense (or a boring party) to get it done.
Also, I'm curious if you have any communal or familial events that you think fondly of. Your characterization of a wedding as an unwelcome imposition on all involved is so unlike any of my experience with weddings; do you have any celebrations where people get together and gifts are freely given and accepted?
Aug '10
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
There is no contradiction in being a free-market conservative that finds certain industries distasteful. One of the great things about the free market is that we are free to NOT give our money to those businesses we dislike.
If it's disquieting for free-market conservatives to complain about the wedding-industrial complex, would it not be equally disquieting for free-speech conservatives to complain about Hollywood, the liberal media, and/or the music industry?
Aug '10
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Am I allowed to make fun of people who waste their money on ridiculously overpriced restaurants owned by trendy celebrity chefs?
I reserve the right to make fun of folk I find ridiculous.
Aug '10
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
I don't buy that for a second, and I'd love to see some statistics to back it up.
My parents, in their late 70s and still married, didn't have a big wedding.
My grandparents didn't have a big wedding.
My great-grandparents didn't have a big wedding.
Etc.
Because, back then, big weddings were the exception, not the rule.
Aug '10
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Ed G.
Yes. Yes it is.
No, no it isn't.
I consider myself a libertarian, and I celebrate community.
The difference is that I don't believe community can be legislated. Community must be voluntary.
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Misthiocracy
Ed G.
Yes. Yes it is.
No, no it isn't.
I consider myself a libertarian, and I celebrate community.
The difference is that I don't believe community can be legislated. Community must be voluntary. · 7 minutes ago
Amen! I can't imagine being more concerned about community, and I'm libertarian. In fact, it's my belief that communities should be powerful -- and not the government -- that drives my libertarianism.
Re: What's the Point of Having a Real Wedding?
Two things. You do know that "military-industrial complex" was a term invented by Dwight Eisenhower, right? Gen. Eisenhower, in his farewell address to the nation, warned of the dangers of the military-industrial complex. He was hardly an anti-war extremist and his words -- the whole passage should be read -- were wise.
Similarly, those who decry the wedding-industrial complex tend to be people who care a great deal about marriage. There is absolutely nothing about free-market capitalism that requires we must silently avoid weighing in on moral issues. The opposite, in fact.