"Calling Dr Delingpole, calling Dr Delingpole. David Cameron has really lost it entirely. What's up with that?"
Thank you James Gawron for asking this important question. As a doctor who has spent many years studying the psychopathology of our political classes I am in an excellent position to diagnose the weird, embarrassing and quite likely psychotic behavior demonstrated by the British Prime Minister on his recent visit to the US.
What you witnessed - if you witnessed it: I gather British prime ministerial visits don't rock your boat to quite the same degree that, say, NFL games do, or bagels shaped with faces like Mitt Romney and sold on Ebay for $2.31, or whatever - is a classic case of Brokeback Mountain syndrome.
The syndrome manifests itself when two notionally heterosexual men find themselves inextricably drawn to one another through the powerful erotic allure of (highly symbolic) hot dog consumption while witnessing a game in which tall, sweat-stained young college kids jostle one another and toss bouncing balls through hoops.
Sometimes, the relationship can plumb even greater depths of cheesy inappropriateness:
The Prime Minister said the US President offered him use of his bed on the plane as the pair flew back to Washington after watching a basketball match in Dayton, Ohio last week.
Mr Cameron said: “On the way back, it was about 4 o’clock in the morning UK time, so he said ‘David, why don’t you use my bed and put your feet up’.
“So I duly did and Barack went to the back of the plane and explained to my private secretary and the team, he said ‘Don’t worry, the British Prime Minister is fine, I’ve just tucked him up in bed’.
“I don’t think that’s happened before.”
There is only one cure for this condition. Intense, sustained ridicule. And also, perhaps, the occasional gentle reminder that it hardly makes electoral sense for a notionally conservative prime minister to fawn and abase himself so shamelessly before a US president only slightly to the right of Chairman Mao.
Not even when that president has a jolly big jet with a nice warm bed in it and takes him to basketball games and feeds him hotdogs and it's really really exciting because dontcha know he's the most powerful man in the world and he's called POTUS and he's got a lovely deep speaking voice and he went to Harvard and lives in the most ginormous white house, way bigger than 10 Downing Street, in Washington, which is, like really impressive, like an Imperial capitol almost and you should see the size of his military....
No, Dave. Not even then.