What is it with my generation?
Why can't we grow up already?
Articles like these crop up every now and then, bemoaning kids in their twenties for not facing the responsibilities of adulthood, for putting off the process of becoming grown ups by living with their parents after college, depending on them financially, delaying their careers by traveling abroad or doing Teach for America, and waiting until their mid-thirties to start families.
Now, there are numbers to back up our flakiness:
The 20s are a black box, and there is a lot of churning in there. One-third of people in their 20s move to a new residence every year. Forty percent move back home with their parents at least once. They go through an average of seven jobs in their 20s, more job changes than in any other stretch. Two-thirds spend at least some time living with a romantic partner without being married. And marriage occurs later than ever. The median age at first marriage in the early 1970s, when the baby boomers were young, was 21 for women and 23 for men; by 2009 it had climbed to 26 for women and 28 for men, five years in a little more than a generation.
We’re in the thick of what one sociologist calls “the changing timetable for adulthood.” Sociologists traditionally define the “transition to adulthood” as marked by five milestones: completing school, leaving home, becoming financially independent, marrying and having a child. In 1960, 77 percent of women and 65 percent of men had, by the time they reached 30, passed all five milestones. Among 30-year-olds in 2000, according to data from the United States Census Bureau, fewer than half of the women and one-third of the men had done so. A Canadian study reported that a typical 30-year-old in 2001 had completed the same number of milestones as a 25-year-old in the early ’70s.
All of this implies that the youth today take longer to mature than they did in the past. One reason often cited is how coddled we are by authorities--our parents, our teachers, and so on.
But another reason, I think, is our fear to make meaningful and committed choices (and maybe this is caused by being coddled--I'm not sure). The reason we delay entry into adulthood is because we were led to believe that adulthood, when it arrives, should be perfect--the perfect job, the perfect husband, and the perfect house. When we don't see it immediately beyond the horizon our senior years of college, we think we need more time to think about where to go, what step to take next--so we apply for Teach For America, or an equivalent one or two-year program that we think, perhaps mistakenly, will give us a chance to really figure out what we want to do.
And of course, delaying our careers means that we delay marriage since, as part of that picture-perfect life we envision for ourselves, marriage happens once we reach a sufficient level of financial stability and success in whatever field we ultimately choose to pursue. Let's not even get into the array of choices and complications and commitments we have to face when we are in the process--which was once known as "dating"--of finding a suitable spouse.
I think we delay adulthood because of fear--the fear of taking a risk and diving into something (a career, a relationship, an apartment) that may not work out. As someone who is conservative by habit, I'm not advocating that people my age begin to make more risky decisions--but I think that if we replace fear with prudence in our hearts and minds, then that lurch into adulthood may not be as scary as it initially seems.
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Re: What is it with my generation?
I always looked at the election of Bill Clinton as a watershed moment in our nation's battle with Arrested Development Syndrome. He never seemed to me to be a "serious" president, and his Oval Office antics made the White House seem more like Animal House. Hey, if the President of the United States didn't have to grow up, why did we?
Re: What is it with my generation?
That's such a great point, Pat. Clinton was president when we (the youth) were growing up--during those critical prepubescent and pubescent years. And he certainly didn't show his most mature colors with the whole "that depends on what the definition of 'is' is," and of course, the famous "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"--both of which taught us that we could do one thing, call it another, and not really face the consequences of it.
May '10
Re: What is it with my generation?
Emily Esfahani Smith:
But another reason, I think, is our fear to make meaningful and committed choices (and maybe this is caused by being coddled--I'm not sure). The reason we delay entry into adulthood is because we were led to believe that adulthood, when it arrives, should be perfect--the perfect job, the perfect husband, and the perfect house. When we don't see it immediately beyond the horizon our senior years of college, we think we need more time
Excellent observation. Many of our generation do seem to fear taking leaps of faith, particularly in regard to having children, though I'm not sure what might cause this generational difference.
I suspect some of that hesitancy boils down to simple ennui. With modern culture constantly telling us "to each his own", there are few shared goals and shared histories. When everyone is an island, those islands get awfully lonely and empty.
May '10
Re: What is it with my generation?
Consider the attitudes referenced in Mollies post on parenting and happiness. Can you blame someone who sees the five steps you list as the end of happiness, even life, for wanting to delay them? Why go gentle into the "good night" of adulthood?
We have a "youth culture", so I'm told, that devalues the adulthood and celebrates an endless immaturity. Even those who want to get on with an adult life find it difficult to swim against the tide. I hope that is changing, but your statistics seem to indicate otherwise.
Re: What is it with my generation?
I tend to think that cultural trends, once they're set, are hard to un-set. But maybe youth culture could actually change if my generation decides that their culture could lead to a lifestyle that is ultimately "lonely and empty," to quote Aaron--and maybe this will inspire some change in that culture. For instance, maybe my generation will raise our kids to not fear those leaps of faith, and to obviate the "Arrested Development Syndrome."
Jun '10
Re: What is it with my generation?
The "Greatest Generation" label is typically applied to be the ones that fought and won World War II, but I'd put that label on their parents instead. It's the parents that formed the values of the WWII generation, and they did the last half of that value formation during the Great Depression. The generation that fought World War II absolutely deserves the love and respect of a grateful nation, for the war, but they fell down on the job when they came home. They didn't do a particularly good job of raising their own children, and their children did an even worse job raising their grandchildren. Remember that I'm generalizing. What was different about the generation that raised the WWII heroes? They weren't trying to be their child's friend. They were trying to be their child's example.
Aug '10
Re: What is it with my generation?
Well, don't ask me about this one.
I applied to college knowing what I wanted to be -- a physicist. I changed my mind slightly two years in, switching to math instead. I never wanted to be a person stuck in arrested development, but it happened to me anyhow -- in my case because of illness in my teens and twenties that I was too driven to address properly until my only choice became a long recovery. Now I simply do not know if I will even be healthy enough to have children until my mid-thirties.
Fortunately, I at least married while still in my 20s.
I didn't ask for arrested development -- or at least, I didn't think I did -- yet it happened all the same. I still find my predicament faintly embarrassing.
On the upside, I've also learned that one way to avoid feeling like a failure is to adopt a definition of success that isn't just some ideal, but instead respects whatever real limitations you face at the time.
I think my generation's definition of success tends to be too idealistic, which doesn't help.
Re: What is it with my generation?
What do you think they did wrong and what can we do better?
Re: What is it with my generation?
Boy Clinton, as they say. Also used Presidency as stepping stone.
Important to underscore that a lot of materially successful people are completely immature emotional wrecks and psychological basket cases with huge interpersonal problems and heavy family drama. Let's restore maturity to our understanding of success.
Jul '10
Re: What is it with my generation?
I blame it on radical feminism. Before feminists began their assault on masculinity, boys were taught the virtues of stoicism, square shoulders and manliness. Strip those away and you have a feminized man-boy; a frivolous creature.
Re: What is it with my generation?
Feminism also taught women to be more obsessed with their careers than with their families and that dating men is a sign of weakness--so yes, Kenneth, I can see the fault feminism has in this.
Jun '10
Re: What is it with my generation?
Emily Esfahani Smith
What do you think they did wrong and what can we do better? · Aug 19 at 9:27am
They responded to America's post-war prosperity with a consuming spree, rather than an investing spree. They bought bigger houses, bigger cars, bigger everything. They bought trips to Vegas, trips to Disneyland. They created a consumer credit culture that's grown into a monster. And their children doubled-down on that consumption culture. To the extent that a new gadget (like a 1960s washing machine, or a 1990s desktop computer) increases personal productivity, that's great. You can call that an investment. But in most cases, that wasn't the focus.
Re: What is it with my generation?
etoiledunord: The "Greatest Generation" label is typically applied to be the ones that fought and won World War II, but I'd put that label on their parents instead.
I tend to assume that the so-called "Lost Generation" preceding the "Greatest" suffered from some sort of derangement syndrome after WWI -- or it's possible I've just read one too many Hemingway novels. And the decadence and hedonism of the 1920's has always seemed rather akin to the weirdness of '70s. My American great grandparents who belonged to that generation were horrid parents: physically or emotionally absent (one great grandfather even abandoned his wife and infant) and unsupportive (one set of my great grandparents refused to show up to their daughter's wedding).
The Greatest Generation was great despite the bad parenting skills of the preceding generation.
Aug '10
Re: What is it with my generation?
Maybe I can generalize my experience somewhat. "Good kids" or "bright kids" today are raised to think that life should be a meritocracy, and that the fact that it plainly isn't must be some cosmic injustice that should be rectified.
We are taught that if we have the right talents and drive to achieve X, nothing should stand in our way of achieving X, even though there are plainly other factors besides talent and drive that go into achieving any one thing. Not achieving X when the requisite talent and drive has been applied simply does not compute when you're raised this way:
We are caught between the worst of "Invictus" and victimhood.
But taking failure as a sign of personal unworthiness ("Invictus") or larger injustice (victimhood) is counterproductive. Lot of worthy people fail without it being anyone's fault. That's life. Get over it and try again. But since many of us don't learn this lesson (which can take years to learn properly) in earlier youth, we spend our twenties learning it.
How to teach children this lesson?... Simply exposing them to arbitrary failure doesn't work... Maybe many little competitions... The Book of Job?....
Aug '10
Re: What is it with my generation?
PS: When I yammer on about how important it is to teach children to not expect life to be a meritocracy (which I'm sure all of you already know, but trust me, my friends and siblings are still in the midst of figuring this out, and it's causing a lot of drama), I don't mean that they shouldn't be taught that developing their talents and working hard won't count -- obviously those traits count for a lot.
The trick is to teach kids how to expect rewards for hard work and talent development without also teaching them to expect life to be a meritocracy. (Perhaps this is especially hard in America, which has a history of approximating a meritocracy as closely as perhaps any civilization can.)
Sports probably help -- as on average better teams do better but still fail often enough to worse teams that people notice.
May '10
Re: What is it with my generation?
Lots of great comments above. Wish we could do this F2F.
Good reads on the topic: "Generations" and "The Fourth Turning" both by Strauss and Howe. Somewhat academic but, for me, very encouraging because they show that what we are experiencing right now is part of a greater cycle. When the MSM was ranting about the feckless 'Gen X-ers', it was some comfort to realize that my grandmother was in the same pattern as a bath-tub-gin, flapper born in 1890. But, of course, I never saw her that way. Life changes people.
One other point: Madison Avenue contributes greatly by persuading us that we deserve to be happy. So we pursue happiness. Only thing is, happiness isn't something that can be pursued and caught. It is a butterfly that lands on your shoulder while you are intent on doing something that needs doing.
As with Mollie's happiness post, the issue ultimately boils down to selfishness v. living as a part of a greater society. Virtue is its own reward. Vices never are. But all the ads encourage us toward vice rather than virtue.
Re: What is it with my generation?
I don't think that NYT piece was bemoaning the state of those of us in "emerging adulthood" -- if anything it provided some great new excuses that I plan to use while talking to "real adults" -- for instance, "Hey, my prefontal cortex is still developing, lay off me!"
Yes, yes modern society is to blame (I don't recall any Dickens characters subjecting themselves to fierce introspection on when, how, and if they want a house and a husband) but I comfort myself with the idea that post-adolescent ennui is no new thing and it's best to assume the label of Byronic hero if only to make it clear to the rest of the world (read: my own ego) that, while I may be a couple years behind, I fully intend to make up for it by being a really really interesting person.
May '10
Re: What is it with my generation?
Get off my lawn!!! But this worrying about the youts, while valid, has been with us for thousands of years. I quote Titus Livius (and where the heck is VDH?):
I hope my passion for Rome's past has not impaired my judgement; for I do honestly believe that no country has been greater than ours or richer in good citizens and noble deeds; none has been free for so many generations from the vices of avarice and luxury; nowhere have thrift and plain living been held in such esteem. Of late years, wealth has made us greedy and self-indulgence has brought us, through every form of sensual excess, to be, if I may so put it, in love with death both individual and collective.
Needless to say, Rome didn't fall for hundreds of years after that were writ...
Jun '10
Re: What is it with my generation?
I suspect the dumbing down of public education plays a role. You were once able to get a pretty solid general education in high school, for free, and many (most?) careers were open to anyone with a high school diploma. Only a small fraction went on to college. Now all students are encouraged to spend at least 4 years in college, often on enormous student loans. How many of the men who married at 23 in 1970 had entered the workforce at 18 and already had 5 years to save enough to put a down payment on a house? Whereas today a 23 year old has just begun his career and has a mountain of college loans and credit card debt to repay. Not to mention the median house price in 1970: $23,400.
Re: What is it with my generation?
Last week, walking along the beach in Santa Barbara, I saw a young man -- maybe 20, maybe 25 -- walking along with his young friends. As I got closer to them I saw that he was wearing a t-shirt with the slogan, "Thirty is NOT the New Twenty."
Of course part of my wanted to punch him in the face, and part of me agreed with him. Because if 30 is the new 20 -- or, what I hear a lot, 40 is the new 30 -- then that means that 20 is the new 10. And that would mean that college campuses these days are filled with young people behaving like 10 year-olds, and that's just impossible to......
Never mind.