What Women Want
Anyone else as off-put as I am by Dennis Prager's NRO piece, What Do Women Want?
What a woman most wants is to be loved by a man she admires.
I am well aware that to say this today is akin to announcing that the sun revolves around the earth. For half a century, we have been told that what women most want is professional success and equality. And to the extent that a modern “liberated” woman does admit to wanting a man to love, she will say that she wants a “partner” who is her “equal.”
Now, just a minute. Hang on a sec there.
Let's ignore the irritatingly bad comparison between political correctness and settled science and begin by noting that there is nothing particularly bold or startling in his thesis. In fact, in itself, it's almost completely uncontroversial. (Anyone want to make a case that women don't want to be loved by a man they admire?)
Prager renders it controversial, though, by suggesting that there's a contradiction between wanting to admire our husbands and wanting to be considered their "equal partners".
And girls and women have been told — or more accurately, have had drummed into them — that equality means that both sexes are essentially the same (except for the physical differences) and therefore want the same things. Equality and sameness have been rendered synonymous. That is why she cannot say — and ideally wouldn’t even admit to herself — that she wants a man to admire; that would be “sexist” as it would imply an unequal relationship.
The efforts of the equity feminists not withstanding, I don't think too many women are laboring under the illusion that equality means that both sexes are essentially the same. Nor do we imagine that admiring our husbands implies an unequal relationship.
But here's the thing: Prager seems to think it does. He seems to be insinuating something that he can't quite bring himself say out loud. Something like this: "In marriage, everyone is happier and better off when the woman is in a subordinate position--a position in which she looks up to her husband as her leader and is cherished and taken care of by him."
That would be a daring and controversial thing to say. (It would also be wrong, IMO.)
His attempt to anticipate the charge only confirms its basic justice.
It is problematic enough to say that a woman most wants a man. But that pales compared to the claim that she most wants a man whom she admires. That seems to affirm gender inequality. The image it conjures up is of a woman looking up to her man as if he were some sort of lord and she his serf.
Yet any woman who believes that she is married to an admirable man would laugh at such a dismissal. Admiring one’s husband doesn’t render a woman a serf. It renders her fortunate.
The truth is that almost nothing — including job success — elevates a woman in her own eyes as much as being loved by a husband whom she admires.
So, not a serf, but not an equal partner either. Got it.
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Comments:
May '10
Re: What Women Want
Prager was bored.
Jun '10
Re: What Women Want
OK FeliciaB, I accept that Prager was bored, so expound, what constitutes a successful marriage? As bad as it was, Prager took his shot; now you take yours. Bear in mind this question comes from a guy who years too late learned that he was way, I mean far and away, better off single than married. And I'm not laying blame at anyone's door, I'm just sayin'. There are some compromises that are just not worth making, for me marriage is one of them. The irony is that this comes from a guy who really loves women.
Edited on December 29, 2010 at 5:59amJun '10
Re: What Women Want
What Dennis Prager most wants is to be loved by a woman who inflates his ego.
In my own life, I married a beautiful woman who challenges me intellectually, who's strengths compensate for my weaknesses, and who generally equals or exceeds me in every way. I feel sorry for Mr. Prager that he hasn't ever experienced what that is like. If he had, I don't think he'd be posting this kind of horse-squeeze.
May '10
Re: What Women Want
What do you mean, FeliciaB? Do you mean you think he didn't mean it?
May '10
Re: What Women Want
I'll bite, Cas. In my case, here is a list of contributing factors for a successful marriage of 18 years (just celebrated last week):
-> I really like my man. Yes, I love him dearly, passionately, etc. However, I really like him. You probably would, too, if you knew him. But you can't have him. I already do. I like Mr. FeliciaB because he's kind, generous, witty, patient, an amazing dad, and oh, so slow to anger. In other words, probably a lot like Peter Robinson... ;-)
-> Derogatory language or expressions toward each other are forbidden. He once jokingly referred to me as a b***h (not sure if that word is allowed here). We weren't even dating, but I let him know that would be the absolute last time he ever labeled me such. I don't even call him a jerk. Name calling is not allowed.
-> All decisions that affect the family are passed by each other for approval/discussion. This goes both ways. I check with him before I make a commitment that would affect family time and vice-versa.
Continued...
May '10
Re: What Women Want
I guess that about nails it, Casey.
Oct '10
Re: What Women Want
Cas Balicki
OK FeliciaB, I accept that Prager was bored, so expound, what constitutes a successful marriage? As bad as it was, Prager took his shot; now you take yours. Bear in mind this question comes from a guy who years too late learned that he was way, I mean far and away, better off single than married. And I'm not laying blame at anyone's door, I'm just sayin'. There are some compromises that are just not worth making, for me marriage is one of them. The irony is that this comes from a guy who really loves women. · Dec 28 at 8:00pm
Edited on Dec 28 at 08:59 pm
I too am curious as to what constitutes a successful marriage. I ask this as a thirty-five year old man who has never been married. I wouldn't yet go so far as to say that marriage isn't a worthy compromise, but with each failed relationship my cynicism does grow.
May '10
Re: What Women Want
Mike, here's part of it: Make sure you find a woman you can admire.
Edited on December 29, 2010 at 6:18amMay '10
Re: What Women Want
-> It may sound minor, but it's actually major - regular, habitual Date Nights. We instituted them in year 2 of our marriage. We had a dry spell when we got our first son in year 8 but soon resumed our one night a week that is just ours.
-> We allow each other to get angry with each other with the understanding that at some point the anger stops and the solutions start.
-> We expect each other to deal with our own issues. Yes, we'll walk through those issues with each other, but wallowing isn't tolerated.
-> We NEVER speak ill of each other to anyone. If I have a problem with my man, he'll be the first and only one to know about it. No one else can provide a solution to a conflict between us. Only the two of us can.
I married young, just out of college. However, by that time, I'd written a list of character traits I expected in a my mate. I also had a goal - to have a content marriage that would last my lifetime. I studied other successful marriages and chose well. My husband agrees...
May '10
Re: What Women Want
katievs
What do you mean, FeliciaB? Do you mean you think he didn't mean it? · Dec 28 at 8:59pm
Oh, I think he meant it. I just think he had some extra time on his hands and thought he'd come up with a "deep" piece on relationships. I listened to him a lot in the 90's. I like the guy. But he tends to be a little too pedantic for me. I remember him sometimes stating the obvious like it was a light bulb moment.
May '10
Re: What Women Want
Mike LaRoche
Cas Balicki
OK FeliciaB, I accept that Prager was bored, so expound, what constitutes a successful marriage? As bad as it was, Prager took his shot; now you take yours. Bear in mind this question comes from a guy who years too late learned that he was way, I mean far and away, better off single than married. And I'm not laying blame at anyone's door, I'm just sayin'. There are some compromises that are just not worth making, for me marriage is one of them. The irony is that this comes from a guy who really loves women. · Dec 28 at 8:00pm
Edited on Dec 28 at 08:59 pm
I too am curious as to what constitutes a successful marriage. I ask this as a thirty-five year old man who has never been married. I wouldn't yet go so far as to say that marriage isn't a worthy compromise, but with each failed relationship my cynicism does grow. · Dec 28 at 9:10pm
Mr. FeliciaB was 36 when we married. There's hope for you yet.
Oct '10
Re: What Women Want
katievs: Mike, here's part of it: Make sure you find a woman you can admire. · Dec 28 at 9:17pm
Edited on Dec 28 at 09:18 pm
You know, Katie, that's one of those points which - once taken - is so accurate, obvious, and fundamental that I wonder why I hadn't realized it earlier. My lack of attention to that may well explain much of my dating frustrations.
Oct '10
Re: What Women Want
FeliciaB
Mike LaRoche
Cas Balicki
OK FeliciaB, I accept that Prager was bored, so expound, what constitutes a successful marriage? As bad as it was, Prager took his shot; now you take yours. Bear in mind this question comes from a guy who years too late learned that he was way, I mean far and away, better off single than married. And I'm not laying blame at anyone's door, I'm just sayin'. There are some compromises that are just not worth making, for me marriage is one of them. The irony is that this comes from a guy who really loves women. · Dec 28 at 8:00pm
Edited on Dec 28 at 08:59 pm
I too am curious as to what constitutes a successful marriage. I ask this as a thirty-five year old man who has never been married. I wouldn't yet go so far as to say that marriage isn't a worthy compromise, but with each failed relationship my cynicism does grow. · Dec 28 at 9:10pm
Mr. FeliciaB was 36 when we married. There's hope for you yet. · Dec 28 at 9:34pm
That is encouraging!
Jun '10
Re: What Women Want
So, FeliciaB, now that we have the day-to-day business of marriage worked out, and date nights are back in fashion. What is it that you want from a marriage? We all know that raising kids is important, but that's not all there is to marriage. What is the je ne sais quoi of your marriage?
Jun '10
Re: What Women Want
Oh, and I just remembered I posted this in the member feed on December 16 last. It's my take on something similar to Prager's comments.
May '10
Re: What Women Want
I, for one, will never understand what women want. They are prohibitively complicated. I only understand them when they're drunk (from working in a restaurant).
Edited on December 29, 2010 at 7:53amOct '10
Re: What Women Want
Oct '10
Re: What Women Want
May '10
Re: What Women Want
Grant Casteel
Your Dagny Taggart will come along, I'm sure.
I won't hold my breath.
May '10
Re: What Women Want
Well, no, obviously. But usually an author anticipates an objection in order to refute it. It seems to me that Prager not only didn't refute the notion that admiration implies inequality, he reinforced it.
You liked the article. So let me ask you this: Do you think it's true that women wanting to marry a man they admire proves that they are happier in a subordinate position in marriage?
Let me ask you this too:
Do you think men don't want to marry women they admire? Don't men want to be loved and cherished as well as admired by their wives?
What is true in his article is trivially true. What he left unsaid, but inescapably implied, is false and obnoxious.
Edited on December 29, 2010 at 2:44pm