What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
It's got to wear on a guy, even if that guy is the President. To wage a campaign of misrepresentation and smears, and dress it up in the garb of respectable speech must tax the soul, though this soul seems to delight in taxes generally.
After all, talking about "shared prosperity" goes more smoothly down the gullet than coming right out and saying, "You earn it, and I will take it." As another example, it's much better to quip, "You didn't build that," than to state the plain truth that, "If you build it, we will occupy it," which after all tends to excite folks. But it's understandable, is it not, that the President's hair grays as he labors to contain in his own mind the contradiction between euphemism and blunt truth. In fact, it's a wonder the pressure has blown his head off.
What if, just for the sake of clarity, someone could pour a little truth serum into his teleprompter that would peel away the courtly pretense?
"Hello bitter clingers!
Four years ago, we began a journey together. Now, it was difficult to see the road ahead through my rhetorical fog, so I lit the way with audacity too. I asked if you were ready for change, and you said yes! You didn't even bother to ask what kind of change I was talking about! I ran a campaigned based on a promise to fundamentally transform our country, and asked for your help. It wasn't always easy either. Some of you got a little nervous when we set out to fundamentally transform the health care industry. Actually, a lot of you got nervous. Come to think of it, most of you said hell no, you didn't want it. But we did it anyway, because that's what "change" is all about. Besides, it's not my fault you didn't ask for specifics.
Together, we violated bankruptcy laws, took over a couple of our largest automobile companies and gave a honking big check to the UAW, and now they are in debt to you, the taxpayer, to the tune of over $25 billion. People said it couldn't be done. The law said it couldn't be done. But we did it. And the success doesn't stop there.
Working with our overlords, er, I mean partners, across the wide spectrum of administrative agencies, my administration has crippled the coal industry, and said no to jobs and energy independence by saying no to the Keystone Pipeline. We even crippled the gulf region with a moratorium on oil drilling that got us held in contempt by a federal court! And people said it couldn't be done.
People said that the Constitution placed limits on what we could do for you, or to you as the case may be. But we said, "not so fast, parchment breath." Congress wouldn't pass the Dream Act. So we implemented it. Congress wouldn't pass Cap and Trade. My EPA fixed that too. Congress wouldn't go home so I could appoint controversial people to key positions using recess appointments. So I declared them in recess and made the appointments anyway. Congress wouldn't ease work restrictions in the Welfare Reform law. So I eased them myself. The Constitution says you are free to practice your religious faith as your conscience dictates. Wanna bet? Try not providing birth control or abortifacients and see what happens to you. And did you really think your state could get away with defending it's own border against people who are here illegally? Did you really think I couldn't order you to purchase whatever I want you to purchase? Just ask my new best friend John Roberts about your "rights."
Now, the other side wants you to believe that we are going in the wrong direction, that "Forward" is a bad thing. They want to take you back to unemployment rates of 4 and 5 percent, instead of the rates of over 8 percent we've been enjoying for the last few years now. They want to go back to the days of strong GDP growth, job creation, a growing private sector, and national credit ratings that weren't on the decline. Governor Romney even selected Paul Ryan as his running mate! Now,….now wait a minute. I know Congressman Ryan. He's a decent man who just happens to hate old people and the infirm. Comes from a good family too. He and Governor Romney just have a fundamentally different view of things, that's all. I'm sure they talked this morning, over a breakfast made from freshly ground bones of the elderly and the poor, about how they want to throw Granny off the cliff. It's just an honest disagreement. I like you, and they don't, see?
You see, they believe that if we were to entrust you with your, er, I mean "our" money, that you'll spend it more wisely than we could. They believe that trickle down fairy dust that says you can make more informed decisions than we can! They believe that you, of all people, can create jobs and grow the economy. They think you'd rather have the choice of where to send your kids to school. And that's not all. They actually believe, deep in their cold little hearts, that it is you, not the 15 members of the Independent Payment Advisory Board that I will appoint, who should decide if, when, and where you will get medical care. But that's not going "Forward." That's going back! Back to those rich fat cats in Independence Hall. Back to those right wing extremists who wrote the Constitution.
We can't go back to that. There's just too much at stake. Besides, you think I can afford to send Michelle to Martha's Vineyard on her own jet? Okay okay, that was just a joke. Sort of like "Arab Spring." Speaking of which, do we really want to go back to a time when America was feared by her enemies? Where was the conciliation in that? We've gone from schoolyard bully to the little knobby kneed thumb sucker in the corner, and that wasn't very easy, believe me. We signaled our retreat to the enemy in Afghanistan, and are doing our level best to keep Israel quiet until Iran can demonstrate its good intentions. And we are working hard to reduce the defense budget so that our Armed Forces can fight only one major war. Against Bangladesh. To a draw. We simply can't roll back the clock on all that good work.
That's why we need your help, here and all across the 57 states that make up this unexceptional and increasingly un-sovereign nation. Through prosperity that is shared with everyone courtesy of the nice agents of the IRS, through the hard work of other people who will pay your way through life, and through the very visible hand of government, we will move Forward! Forward to a nation that says we are our brother's keeper, unless our brother lives in Kenya. Forward to a nation that disarms its citizens and arms Mexican drug cartels! Forward to a nation that respects the rule of international opinion over our own Constitution! Forward to a nation where the individual is but a cog in the machinery of the state! That's our vision! That's fundamental transformation! Thank you! Goodnight! God bless somebody else!"
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Comments:
Jul '10
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
57 states, that kills me every time. I'd love to see Obama have an "Anchorman" moment with the teleprompter.
Jun '10
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
I expect that teleprompter truth elixir became much more potent when it was wiped on using swatches made from worn-out Mom Jeans.
That might not be why it's happening, Dave. Maybe the President had a kidney stone operation. I hear that kind of thing can knock the color slam out!
Aug '10
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
I've been waiting for this one to get slapped down in the new media by quips about President Obama thinking the proper way to be informed by trickle down fairy dust is to snort it. Anyone seen something to that effect around? It just seems too obvious of a response to miss.
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
Eeyore, I was waiting on that! I guess we all have our reasons. One guy's kidney stone is another guy's ideology, I guess.
Jun '10
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
I think what really wears on him, Dave, is that people won't just shut up and treat the Oracle with the proper and due respect. I actually think he realized it a long time ago, and it just eats on him. But he's got this Agenda, and it will be pushed. But actually having to do this "President" thing is tedious bore, given that there is all this "opposition" dreck he has to deal with. It's just so...beneath him, as Valerie would insist.
Sep '10
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
did you ever see obama's teleprompter's blog?
apparently it hasn't been updated since last fall. it was pretty funny and clever though.
Apr '12
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
My dear Mr. Carter, I would pay dearly to have you as the main Presidential speechwriter.
May '10
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
Brilliant, Dave, positively brilliant! Love the bottle label, too.
Aug '10
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
Uncle Dave's Amazing Truth Elixir - it'll cure what (or should I say who) ails us.
Mar '11
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
If SNL was conservative or at least moderate this kind of speach is what they would do.
Nov '11
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
Thanks for the pick-us-up, Dave! Travel safely...
Jul '12
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
I know a few liberals who honestly would not understand this as a parody. They'd assume that this actually the way Obama thinks. Come to think of it, it is. In many ways, Liberalism = Stupidity.
May '10
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
I would like to order a case of Dr. Dave's Truth Serum, please.
Jun '10
Re: What If The Teleprompter Wouldn't Lie?
If Dr. Dave's not putting it out in volume, you could try to substitute Everclear® Brand 100% Neutral Spirits.
But you know, it just wouldn't have that Dr. Dave Sumpin' Sumpin'.