What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
“Thank you for choosing to dine with us this evening,” she said, startling me out of my contemplation. I was busy studying a pair of those scanners that department stores use to nab shoplifters and wondering why a restaurant would install them. But there they stood in the doorway, and there the hostess stood smiling at me. “We're happy you chose us,” she said, and offered to seat me.
“Do you have a non-smoking section?” I asked.
“Oh, there's no smoking here,” she assured me. Directing me to a corner booth, she said, “I'll be right back with your water.” I didn't remember asking for water, but it had been a long day and I was dehydrated. There were no menus and none of those little dessert pamphlets that so many restaurants use to coax us out of a few more dollars. It all looked pretty sparse actually.
“Here you are,” she said while placing a tall glass of ice water on the table. “Tonight's salad consists of washed organic baby arugula with basil vinaigrette and avocado garnish."
“In English please?” I asked.
Laughing, she said, “spinach.”
“I'm sorry, Ma'am, but I don't do spinach.”
“But it's good for you, and besides, it's the only salad we serve here.”
“Then don't wash the arugula,” I answered as she laughed and merrily made her way to the kitchen.
It was then I noticed a rather large, menacing looking fellow standing next to the kitchen door. He just stood there looking at the customers, which come to think of it, were relatively few. But then it was a fairly new restaurant.
Now came a salad bowl that Our Lady of Perpetual Merriment placed in front of me. It had the droopiest, sorriest looking spinach leaves I've ever seen flopping over the side and what looked like a patch of lawn grass in the middle. The whole soggy mess looked like it had sat out in the yard all night.
“The only thing missing are the bugs,” I said.
“Oh my soul!” she laughed, “you are the funny one. Now, for dinner we have a 100 percent organic vegetarian meal that will...”
“Hold up a sec,” I said. “I've been here for a while now, and I haven't been offered a menu or even asked for a drink selection. Do I get to make any decisions here? I'm paying for this meal, right?”
“Oh, yes sir,” she said, “you're paying, but our goal here is to fundamentally transform your dining experience in your own best interest of course, so you can sit back and relax and let our experts pick from among the best practices in the culinary industry.”
“The only thing I want transformed is my stomach from being an unhappy camper to a plump and happy one, and it won't happen with this organic foliage and a soy steak or whatever it is you have planned next.”
“Heavens to Betsy!” she laughed, “you do get worked up! Lord love a duck!”
“I think I'd rather.”
“Do you see that young man standing across the room?” she asked.
“You mean that mountain with a baseball cap on top over yonder?”
“His name is Bruno,” she continued, “and his job is to handle disruptive customers.”
I looked more closely at Bruno. “That thing on his belt,....is that a...”
“Taser,” she answered.
“Well, that's entirely too crude a device for such an enlightened and sophisticated place as this. Wait here. I'll go fetch a cattle prod.”
More laughing.
“Look,” I said, “obviously we are at an impasse. I can't eat this stuff, so why don't I just pay my bill and be on my way.”
“Fair enough,” she said, “have a nice night.”
“But how much is my bill?”
“Oh, it was $124.00.”
“That much?”
“Oh, but you were also billed for those customers less fortunate than yourself. No need to worry though, we've already extracted the funds.”
“How's that?” I asked.
“When you walked in, the scanner read the bank card in your wallet. Our on-duty accountant has looked at your available balance and figured it into our general operating budget.”
Incredulous, I cried, “You mean you emptied my bank account?”
“No no, of course not,” she said. “Let me be clear, we just looked at the total, extracted what we thought was a reasonable amount, and then left the balance in your account for now. If we need more, we'll get back with you because, after all, that balance now counts as an expenditure on our ledger and we can only afford to spend so much on you.”
Now, I would like to think that the above fictional account is so far beyond the pale as to be ridiculous. After all, what would we make of a restaurant that operated more like a re-education camp? But what are we to make of a major political party and a President who applies the same philosophy on a national scale? And how is it that Barack Obama and others on the left can praise those who voted for them as enlightened, intelligent, and superbly informed beings who, as it happens, are also too dull-witted and ill informed to select their own light bulbs, or cars, or food, or toilets? How can the statist believe that Americans are bright enough to be trusted in matters of national importance, but too lug-headed to be trusted to cut down a tree in their own yard or supervise the administration of their child's lemonade stand in the driveway without state intervention?
The answer, I submit, is that they don't really trust us to govern ourselves in matters large nor small. That is why, if they can't subvert elections through the auspices of ACORN or the New Black Panthers, they subvert them through the judiciary or by any means they can devise. That's why they have the incredible audacity to count your earnings as a “tax expenditure,” the presumption being that what's theirs is theirs and what's yours is theirs too. It's why they look longingly to China and retain a soft spot in their hearts for Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez even as they show contempt for the Founders and the Constitution. The ugly little truth is that they aren't terribly enamored of the democratic process. They would rather order your life. The good news is that an increasing number of Americans aren't terribly enamored of these little zealots. I'm looking forward to 2012.
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Comments :
Jul '10
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
And of course You made it to the restaurant using windsails on top of "The Beast" instead of diesel.
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Yes, and there will be no more "drafting." Stop tailgating me.
Jul '10
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Actually, I'm surprised at how fast You were seated and served, not to mention how pleasant the help was.
If only......
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Jimmy Carter: Actually, I'm surprised at how fast You were seated and served, not to mention how pleasant the help was.
If only...... · Jun 4 at 6:19pm
Me too. Just remove the element of choice, and it all becomes so very easy, no?
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Dave Carter
Yes, and there will be no more "drafting." Stop tailgating me. · Jun 4 at 6:11pm
Jimmy and Dave, what do I do with this very vivid mental picture I have of semis beating to windward across the open prairie? Do 18-wheelers on starboard tack have right-of-way or not?
Please hurry your reply. My imaginary freightliners are nearing the shoal surrounding a Wal-Mart and need to come about smartly or founder on a lee parking lot.
Edited on Jun 4, 2011 at 6:27pmJan '11
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
I imagine the only thing on the menu is the blue-plate special.
Jul '10
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Dave Carter
Just remove the element of choice..... · Jun 4 at 6:23pm
and add the thousand pages of paperwork to fill out....
May '11
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Great post Dave!!
You just KNOW that "Bruno" standing over there is not eating the same stuff they tried to serve you...... :)
Jul '10
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
George Savage
Jimmy and Dave, what do I do with this very vivid mental picture I have of semis beating to windward across the open prairie? Do 18-wheelers on starboard tack have right-of-way or not?
Please hurry your reply. My imaginary freightliners are nearing the shoal surrounding a Wal-Mart and need to come about smartly or founder on a lee parking lot. · Jun 4 at 6:25pm
Edited on Jun 04 at 06:27 pm
I have no idea what that means, but it sure cracked Me up!
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
George Savage
Dave Carter
Jimmy and Dave, what do I do with this very vivid mental picture I have of semis beating to windward across the open prairie? Do 18-wheelers on starboard tack have right-of-way or not? ...
. · Jun 4 at 6:25pm
Edited on Jun 04 at 06:27 pm
George, there's a very basic answer and it was given to me when I was in Korea. A local friend was driving me to a restaurant when I asked why some of the intersections in downtown Kunsan City had no traffic signs. "We took them down because no one paid attention to them and besides, they blocked the view," he said. "How do you know who goes through the intersection first then?" I asked. "Whoever has the biggest vehicle." Simple enough.
May '10
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
You certainly wouldn't be short-Changed.
Apr '11
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Brilliant. I'm sure, by the way, that they grow the spinach themselves in a garden out back, the building is powered solely by windmills, their cooks are unionized with generous pension plans and the building was constructed by a minority-owned construction firm.
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Yes, which is why they have to plunder customer's accounts. Otherwise, the business would do a big fat belly flop, sort of like our government is doing right now.
Edited on Jun 4, 2011 at 6:50pmJul '10
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
"How do you know who goes through the intersection first then?" I asked. "Whoever has the biggest vehicle." Simple enough. ·
In Italy, at least some years ago, it was the most expensive car that had the right of way -- in any situation.
Jul '10
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Speaking of lopping tree branches (new system temporarily prevented me from adding this to the applicable post) – A friend had a tree that straddled his property line and the city line. It had to be removed so he contacted a tree service who said they’d be out the next day. He then got a call from the city Dept of All Things Trees informing him they’d be out in a week or so to do the job, and to not touch the tree as they’d take care of it. He politely explained that he’d have it done at his own expense as the tree was listing precariously toward the back of the house, much of which was glass. His pleadings (many) went unheeded. Tree removal day arrived and he being resigned, but fearing the worst, decided to just get a few cold ones and a comfortable lawn chair to watch the proceedings. Which ended in the destruction of the roof and three and one-half rooms. It was when they asked him if he had insurance that he got a wee bit testy…
Jul '10
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Beautiful allegory. How can anyone realistically think a set-up like this would be a good thing?
Jul '10
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Equally terrible is still equal.
It should -but won't- go without saying that in practice it wouldn't actually be equal.
Jan '11
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Dave Carter
Yes, and there will be no more "drafting."
Unless you're Paul Ryan, of course.
Anyway, reading your contribution reminded me a whole lot of the type of government that excites Thomas Friedman and other so-called Progressives.
Hat tip William Easterly via EconTalk
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
Dave Carter has uncorked another one. Somewhere in the stands up in heaven, Mark Twain and Will Rogers are on their feet applauding.
Jul '10
Re: What If Hope and Change Were a Diner?
In the back room, the owner and his private party are enjoying their chili dogs and smoking their cigarettes while they play poker incredibly badly. When their chips get low, they hopefully check the customers' checking accounts for change.
Very well done, Mr. Carter!
Now, what if there were TSA check points at all restaurants? People use transportation to get there, don't they? They have to expand the mission until they actually catch their first terrorist!
Edited on Jun 4, 2011 at 10:04pm