What Can Parents Do?
This story so depressed me, so frightened me as a parent, that I couldn't even watch Part 2 of Ken Burns's baseball documentary, "The Tenth Inning," on PBS last night. (I'd watched Part 1 on Tuesday night and felt high on life. Isn't baseball grand? Weren't the 90s the best time for someone like me to be a sportswriter! I'm great! Life is great!)
Then, I read this story. I'm a mom. I imagine the moms and parents of each of these three young people. I wonder what they, if anything, could have done differently.
Is this a "social media is evil" story? Is this a simple bullying story? Is this a gay hate-crime story? It's probably a bit of each. How do we address these issues as a society? As parents?
Every school has implemented some sort of anti-bullying/tolerance campaign. They don't seem to be working. Is there another, more effective way?
- Comment (43)
- · Quote
- · UnfollowFollow (3)
Comments :
May '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
This story just broke my heart. I'm really concerned with what my kids will face, and they're not even out of preschool. A week ago, my 10 year old nephew posted on his FB page that he was "in a relationship" with a girl in his class and identified her. He's 10 for heaven's sake!! My sister would have dismissed my objections to this, so I called my mom. Grandma, who knows little about the internet, and even less about social networking, was on FB the day after we spoke. Her grandchildren were her first "friends." I guess we have to treat social networking sites, chat rooms, etc. like the real world. Keep our eyes on them, guide them in the right direction, teach them how to treat others with respect and dignity, and discipline them when they do something stupid/dangerous. But the stakes are so much higher now. I want my kids to truly value their personal friendships, not impersonal and superficial on-line "friendships." I want them to lead lives with intention, and I know that as a parent, I'll need back-up from friends, family and other parents.
Re: What Can Parents Do?
I guess I'm searching for the value of Facebook, etc. in my young children's lives. Why should I even allow it? Any more than I'd allow a tattoo or eating potato chips in front of the TV all afternoon. Of course the kids want it, but shouldn't parents say no? I realize I only have toddlers, too, but I just don't see the value in social media for pre-teens and teens. What am I missing?
May '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
I'm glad you posted this story Ursula. The Internet is such an incredibly powerful tool. It is really important that parents understand this and counsel their children appropriately about how to live on the Internet. These students should have known better, but it is also true that they probably failed to appreciate fully the significance of what they were doing. Really an awful story.
May '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
Ten year-olds are not legally permitted to be on FB. Those kids had to lie about their age. You're right Ursula -- absolutely no reason to be on social media until young adulthood. Our 12 year-old has email which we monitor and can't even sign-up for fantasy baseball (much to his chagrin) using his own email.
Truly frightening is something called Club Penguin which is social media for younger children -- like a training tool for FB. In our school I find it is the only children (1 child households) that tend to be most sophisticated Internet users.
Edited on Sep 30, 2010 at 7:44amMay '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
I explained to my 13-year-old who desperately wanted a Facebook account, that social media was intended as a way for adults to keep in contact with far-flung friends. Since he sees his friends every single day he should just talk to them. One at a time. Face-to-face not face-to-Facebook.
And my children understand some basic rules:
1. Your i-pod, your computer and your rear-end only nominally belong to you. They are all mine until you are 18 and then you only gain a minimal amount of additional control as long as Mom and Dad are footing the bill.
2. I reserve the right to inspect your browser's cache and history file at anytime. If anybody but me clears those items out I will assume that you have been up to no good and you will lose the privilege.
3. That's not fair? I can show you unfair...
Aug '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
I made the decision to quit FB a month or so ago. I cannot really ascertain any reason for anyone not in college or older to have an account and I really cannot ascertain any reason to be on it at all once one has made contact with lost friends. FB is another example of how we rush to unthinkingly embrace technology.
As far as Facebook goes, here is another, in my mind, more disturbing story.
We need less "online communities" and more flesh-and-blood communities (church, neighborhood, families, etc.) where you know the people with whom your children socialize and know that your standards for your children will be more or less applied when they are playing at their friends' homes.
Aug '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
EJHill ....
3. That's not fair? I can show you unfair... · Sep 30 at 7:50am
Fair only comes to town once (maybe twice) a year.
Jun '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
I'm guessing that a large part of the hatefulness and insensitivity that spawned this despicable invasion of privacy was due to repeated exposure to pornography, by the people broadcasting the video. Watching lots of pornography, especially in the very young, makes people crude and callous. They imitate what they see. I'm sure it played a role in deadening the souls of the people that did this. A lot of people think pornography is harmless, but it's not.
Edited on Sep 30, 2010 at 8:00amMay '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
People parent differently, I guess. Some are very permissive, and allow their children on myspace, fb, etc. Others don't. My sister and I have butted heads about parenting styles. I'm amazed by the things my son learns from his classmates - the movies they are allowed to watch and video games they're allowed to play. I agree that pre-teens/teens have no business with social media. And you may do your best to keep them off, but if their friends are doing it, they'll want to. I'm trying to develop strong personal relationships with the parents of my boys' friends. I look for ways to discuss parenting with them, so I know where they stand. Right now, we're on the same page for the most part. It takes a village, so I'm gathering villagers now. And I'm praying for wisdom.
Re: What Can Parents Do?
Red & Black Redneck:
We need less "online communities" and more flesh-and-blood communities (church, neighborhood, families, etc.) where you know the people with whom your children socialize and know that your standards for your children will be more or less applied when they are playing at their friends' homes. · Sep 30 at 7:54am
I agree completely. But we've maybe lost those days forever. I hope I'm wrong, but I feel that kids these days are very overscheduled. All of my daughter's classmates have afterschool activies in far-flung places. No one just hangs out in their yard anymore, or rings a neighbor's bell to "come out and play." I feel like that time has gone forever. Maybe I'm just all sadsack today, but I'm feeling pessimistic. This story hit home, for some reason, in a way few others do. How can we get those days back? ... that appreciation for down time and neighborhoods and church communities?
May '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
My wife and I have never tried to shelter our kids. If an "R" movie runs on our DVD at home, though, we make sure that we watch together. That way we can explain things and point out the real-world consequences to actions that they see played out on the screen. (We started this when they got to the 'tween years.) That way it's not their friends that are shaping their opinions, it's us. Nor are they left to try to figure things out on their own.
Permissive parents are as old as the job itself. All you can do is give your children a solid foundation to build on. That and absolute fear.
Aug '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
Pick up a copy of Neil Postman's The Death of Childhood. It won't cheer you but it will help give your confidence in decisions that you make concerning your children that are "against the grain." My children aren't involved in anything right now other than school and church choir on Wednesdays. My wife and I put a priority on letting them use their imagination to play and entertain themselves. Fortunately, we have a neighborhood full of relatively like-minded folks.
Social conservatives get worked up (rightly) about abortion. But why don't we get equally worked up about the sacrificing of our children on the altars of contemporary idols like popularity, athletic prowess, etc? In how many families do both parents work simply to be able to afford to buy the "right" things, go to the "right" schools and otherwise keep up with the Joneseseseses?
May '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
We have and there's very little we can do about it. The biggest change in raising kids between my parents time and my own experiences is the way society has sexualized children.
Now, I can shelter my children from those types of things but I can't keep it away from the perverted adults who find it arousing and a rationalization for their sickness. So that means less real freedom for kids to go out and play and not have their parents hovering over them.
During the summers of my youth I disappeared for hours and hours with my friends. We played ball at the park, went fishing together, etc, etc. Do any of us think that's a good idea today?
May '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
Ursula Hennessey
How can we get those days back? ... that appreciation for down time and neighborhoods and church communities? · Sep 30 at 8:07am
Last year, a group of us from my son's preschool class (3 yr olds) spontaneously started meeting at the school playground after school for a little while. We have boys, and they just have so much energy. This year, even though they're all in different classes, we began meeting again the first week of school. It's great because moms and dads talk and the kids just play and have fun. And I've really developed some strong friendships. It's hard when both parents work, and you just don't have down time. I don't think we can overemphasize the importance of strong families. In my case, that comes with some financial sacrifices. I think people crave authentic communities, it is our nature, and I think "those days" are beginning to come back if we continue to make more deliberate efforts to do so.
Re: What Can Parents Do?
Here's what struck me when I read this. And this is by no means an excuse for these college-age "adults" horrendous actions, but we have sent out a very confusing mixed message to our youth. They've all grown up with celebrities who have built, or enhanced their careers with on-line sex tapes. From Rob Lowe on, we have legitimized the sex tape as a way to fame, when at one time a nude picture was a one-way ticket to shame. Filming sex acts has become no big deal. Girls Gone Wild just another commercial. Surely this desensitization to the privacy of the sex act contributes to this type of brutal behavior.
May '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
These days everyone's got a cellphone, most of those have cameras, and the internet enables impulsive uploading of those pictures to the world. I agree with Trace that these students probably didn't comprehend fully what they were doing. Bad behavior is more tempting when it's easy. Still, they should have had the moral clarity to know what they were doing was not a joke (even a mean-spirited one).
There's nothing the school could have done. I agree with the general direction of the comments that better parenting would have been the strongest prevention.
Maturity concerns not only how we act toward others, but also how we receive and endure actions from others. I'm not accusing the victim here of immaturity, but another important element of parenting is teaching kids to endure pain and stand up to injustice.
Privacy is overrated. I grew up in a house in which locked doors were forbidden. Embarrassments can be laughed away. Shameful acts shouldn't be done in the first place. Sex and little else needs to be private. But broadcasting voyeuristic videos to the world is something else.
May '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
That and shows like Punk'd and Jackass, which seems to be some sort of Allen Funt drug trip. We are a much meaner culture that's downright schizophrenic. We hail "edgy" entertainment and complain when the edge becomes so sharp it cuts us.
Re: What Can Parents Do?
I do want to give some hope to those concerned parents above. My almost 14 year old daughter has two working parents and is an only child and has so far come through the computer age smarter and wiser. She had laptops in her public school from second grade. She was into Club Penguin, Webkins and quickly outgrew them. We let her have a facebook account last year. She shut it down when her friend's was hacked and some nasty things posted. ( We didn't have to ask her.) Now here's the cool things about the web:
Her Spanish teacher has requires her students to tweet IN SPANISH to the rest of the class every day.
Her algebra teacher has a Haiku forum where students post difficulty they're having with homework and other kids help them and get extra credit for doing so.
Her books are on-line.
And she still rides around the neighborhood with her friends and hangs out.
All we did was leave the computer in a common area, limit time, and impart our VALUES. We discuss everything in the news without fear of condemning poor behavior (we're not big relativists.)
Jul '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
My niece and nephew (15 and 12) are both on Facebook and refuse to add their parents as friends, but were allowed this only because they added several of us other "cool" relatives...who keep a much closer watch than I suspect their parents actually would, so the joke's on them, but I don't think this has as much to do with social media as social insensitivity...though maybe there's a cause-and-effect thing going on between the two. What horrifies me most is this wasn't high school, this wasn't a community college in the middle of nowhere, this was RUTGERS, across the river from the largest, most diverse and sophisticated city in the U.S. They should have known better, and I suspect they did; they just didn't anticipate the worst-case end-result. Conveying the potential for consequences might be one of the most important things a parent can do but these choices were made by the students in question.
May '10
Re: What Can Parents Do?
Generally, parents need to impress on their children that ANYTHING they say or do may end up on the Internet. ANYTHING. The entire "First World" may as well be a nude beach for all the privacy expectation we can actually have. While we can debate whether this should be so, I submit that it is inarguable that it is so.
Specifically with your children. Keep the computer in a "public" area of your house so you can see what's going on. When you get up in the middle of the night for, whatever, drop by and see if the kid is surfing the net at 2:30 a.m. You may also be able to control the content with browser settings, etc. But an even modestly tech-savvy child of 10 will be able to figure out ways around the security (e.g., lock down Internet Explorer, the kid downloads and installs Firefox, and hides the program link so you don't see it unless you go and really look for it; lock down your internet service provider, and the kid figures out how to steal Internet off the neighbor's wireless with a wireless modem).
Edited on Sep 30, 2010 at 10:08am