What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
If you do the math, you'll see that I'm awake at two in the morning. This is because I was woken up by a mosquito, upon whom I just waged a severely bloody battle. The good news is that I won. His corpse is now a crimson smear on my wall, where it is sending, I should hope, a demoralizing and terrifying message to his friends. Let no mosquito doubt my steely resolve. The bad news is that I won by grabbing the first book I found near my bed and smashing the malefactor into the wall. That book happened to be a book I like. My ancient copy of Bonfire of the Vanities is now defaced with a mutilated mosquito-corpse.
I've been looking at the bloodstained book with some regret. It seems sad and disrespectful. I comfort myself with the thought that it wasn't a really sentimental book, however. I would feel just terrible if I'd used my signed copy of Just in Time: Inside the Thatcher Revolution.
Not being able to get back to sleep, I thought I'd put the question to the crowd: Which book in your collection would you never use to kill a mosquito, no matter how long the thing had been buzzing in your ear and no matter how badly your ankles itched? I think I draw the line at anything signed, anything that was a gift, books about Margaret Thatcher, books my father wrote, anything by Borges, and the sacred texts of any major religion. I wouldn't use a book of poetry, I don't think, but I guess it depends on the poet.
That said, I wasn't really thinking when I did it. I was in a rage. I'd like to think I would never have used a copy of Downing Street Years, but I don't know--deep down inside, I know my head wasn't right when I did that. Something took over me. The devil, maybe. I was like a machine. All I could think was kill, kill, kill.
I have to admit, if only to myself, that had my signed copy of Faith and Power been closer to the bed, it might have been at risk.
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Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
A friend and I once spent a night in a hotel in Venice infested with mosquitoes. By the end of the night, the walls were covered with blood -- blood that had once been ours.When it comes to mosquitoes, in my view, nothing is sacred. I would use any book to kill a mosquito, any book at all.
Edited on Sep 24, 2010 at 5:06pmJul '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
I wouldn't use any of my Library of America volumes. The cloth covers would be way too hard to clean. Most of my valuable hardbacks are covered with that acetate library stuff, which, come to think of it, makes an excellent mosquito-gore barrier. Whack the bug, wipe with damp cloth, return to shelf. Simple, neat, and effective.
May '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
The Art of Walt Disney by Christoper Finch. First Edition from 1973. It is a huge coffee table book with filled with wonderful art. You would get a hernia just lifting it.
Jul '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
My sizable cookbook collection would be off-limits, as would any religious texts. No mosquito is worthy of a first edition and I couldn't use any of my kids' books. Hmmm, wonder if I have that Paul Theroux book lying around...
Jul '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
Nothing by Tolkien. A Tale of Two Cities is meant for better purposes. Crime & Punishment... alright, I know it's quickly becoming which books would I use. I'll stop here for now.
Jul '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
As one of Ricochet's bitter clingers, I prefer firearms.
Edited on Sep 24, 2010 at 5:04pmJul '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
My complete works of Poe, although I think he would enjoy the macabre image of mosquito guts slathered across the back cover.
May '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
I assume that you include The Necronomicon as a major religious text. Not that it doesn't enjoy slurping down some recycled blood, but it enoys it a little too much for comfort.
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
I'd reach for a magazine before any book. In the hopes of not sounding too precious about my own belongings, I'd not hesitate to use a book I hated reading. And there are a few. Grapes of Wrath? Check.
Jun '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
My "Flyswatter Collector's Encyclopedia" is off limits, but I think I'd have another solution.
Aug '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
My Koran. You can get in serious trouble killing mosquitoes with a Koran.
Jun '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
I'd never use The Brothers Karamazov. As to books I would use, anything by Dan Brown, Das Kapital, Mein Kampf, and any iPod filled with Obama speeches.
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
Kenneth: As one of Ricochet's bitter clingers, I prefer firearms. · Sep 24 at 5:03pm
Edited on Sep 24 at 05:04 pm
Last night I would have been in the mood to have a really extended conversation about which kinds of weapon and ammo we'd use for advanced mosquito-hunting--shotguns, sniper-rifles, RPGs, DDT-grenades, tactical nukes--but I managed to get back to sleep and my bloodlust seems to have returned to its normal, estrogen-mediated levels.
May '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
Almost used the Bible once due to blind fury in the middle of the night, but as it was passed down to me from my great Uncle I decided to restrain myself. I would draw the line at the classics and all hard covers due to the cost. Perhaps a paperback like Dreams from my Father by Obi-the-One; or Das Kapital - it may be too heavy to wield in bed, but in the original German it was built for maximum destruction.
Claire - Buy some mosquito coils and a few ceramic holders (look like terracotta dutch ovens) they should burn through the night and keep you safe.
I have had these little wonders work for me when I slept in the tropics of Far North Queensland, (including sleeping outside in the rainforest house), and also Venice in Summer.
Edited on Sep 24, 2010 at 11:58pmAug '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
Claire Berlinski, Ed.
Kenneth: As one of Ricochet's bitter clingers, I prefer firearms. · Sep 24 at 5:03pm
Edited on Sep 24 at 05:04 pm
Last night I would have been in the mood to have a really extended conversation about which kinds of weapon and ammo we'd use for advanced mosquito-hunting--shotguns, sniper-rifles, RPGs, DDT-grenades, tactical nukes--but I managed to get back to sleep and my bloodlust seems to have returned to its normal, estrogen-mediated levels. · Sep 24 at 10:05pm
Snapping a towel is actually a pretty good match to the target. It takes just enough skill to be fun, and you're not likely to do much damage to anything else, except perhaps knocking over the occasional lamp. I cleaned out most of the flies in a room that way once, so I suppose it would work on mosquitoes.
Jul '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
David Kube: Perhaps a paperback like Dreams from my Father by Obi-the-One;
My goodness, do you actually own such a tome and is using it against a mosquito the best one can do with it?
As for Claire's question, I could not bring myself to wield any of my books, not even The New York TImes Manual of Style and Usage. Shoes, towels, and, per Kenneth, firearms are my weapons of choice.
Sep '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
I thought everybody knew this, but obviously not. The prudent sleeper keeps beside his bed a book of moderate weight that he would never, under any circumstances, wish to read, to be used as a weapon against mosquitoes, beastly children who wake one up too early, and other household pests. It is to this end that you will find on my bedside table a copy of George Y. Shevelov's The Syntax of Modern Literary Ukranian (Hague Mouton, 1963).
In other words, don't bother thinking about which books you wouldn't use to kill a mosquito, pick one that you would use and keep it handy!
May '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
Ragnarok
My goodness, do you actually own such a tome and is using it against a mosquito the best one can do with it?
It was a gift from my sister from last Christmas. I have politely pretended to read some of it from fraternal duty.
Edited on Sep 25, 2010 at 8:34amAug '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
With iPads, Kindles, and whatnot, do you ever wonder if a conversation like this will make any sense to our children? Are printed books soon going to seem as quaint as my dad's LP collection?
May '10
Re: What Books Would You Never Use to Kill a Mosquito?
Good grief, what a bunch of tortoises. Why would anyone with reasonable reflexes need a book to kill a mosquito? They are slow- and usually clamped to your epidermis, sitting-bugs for an easy slap. All the blood-suckers are female, of course.
Books can get flies, but better, the rolled-up NYT, because flies are fast and tricky and the lighter newsprint with the longer lever arm are far superior.
Obviously, you need to live in Minnesota to be a speed-match for our Anopheles State Bird.