Wanted: A Friend
I’ve always wanted the perfect best friend. I’ve come close a few times; I currently have two close friends. Yes. Just two. I’m fine with that, except that one lives in NYC and the other lives in Charlotte, NC. I have two brothers, a mother, a like-minded husband, and three sweet kiddies, so I’m not really lacking for people who love me. On occasion, though, I do feel the need for an adult, like-minded girlfriend who lives near me. You know, to exercise with; to talk about how great making lists and crossing things off are; to provide a familiar place to drop a kid or two off for an hour so I could take another kid to the doctor; to save me from the crazies in the mom/PTA clan.
So, here goes. I’m putting a personal ad on Ricochet.
MWF, an Independent voter, sks F, BF, or BFF between ages of 35-45. Must be available and willing to go running with me at either 6 a.m. or 7 p.m. weekdays for approximately 1 hour, rain or shine.
Must have a sense of humor, a basic appreciation for God and religion, and must be pro-life. (I’m tired of being asked whether I knew my daughter would be born with a disability, which is another way of saying “Let me get this straight, ‘You could have had an abortion, but didn’t?’” Then again, I don’t want to be felt sorry for or hero-worshipped for having a child with a Down syndrome. It just “is” – if you don’t get that, please don’t respond to this ad.)
Regarding religion: If I’m having a crummy day and I just want to whine about it, if you respond with, “Let’s hold hands and pray together,” I'll get the creepy-crawlies. Yet, please also understand why my children can best accept the recent deaths of their two grandparents by thinking they are in heaven with God having as much cake and ice cream as they want. It works. We talk about that. A lot. But not much with outsiders. If you think I’m not being “honest” enough with my kids (ages 6 and under) by not telling them just yet that their grandparents are buried in the ground, disintegrating, then buzz off.
Mustn't make me feel like I need to join any political group (Republicans, Democrats) or subgroup (Tea Party, Mama Grizzlies) to feel complete or get my “voice” out there.
Must be comfortable around people with Down syndrome. My daughter has some frustrating behavior issues, is not yet potty trained, and needs a lot of help. Please don’t be afraid of her or feel sad for her limited little life, projecting a pity party with your frowning face. It’s infuriating. A sense of humor/joie de vivre is key. She’s the funniest and most loving person in the family. Help provide an atmosphere where she can show it by being yourself.
Must not dismiss depression, addiction, mental illness, eating disorders, or postpartum depression as figments of people’s imaginations that would just go away if people toughened up a little bit. Personal experience with one of these – though not currently active, please – might give us some common ground.
Mustn't be Mother of the Year. I couldn’t deal with the self-hatred that would consume me – and our relationship. Likewise, please don’t have four kids, eat anything you want, and look like Gisele Bundchen.
Musn’t call me on the phone every night (I prefer e-mail) and please don’t ask me to go shopping. Not only do I hate shopping, but I get mall-sickness -- something about the overwhelming smell of clothing dye. I like meeting up outside to do stuff.
Mustn’t be insecure or saddened by aging/wrinkles.
Mustn’t get in petty fights with your husband and rip him to shreds in our conversations expecting me to chime in with similar crimes committed by my husband. I can't do it.
Mustn’t care about fashion labels, makeup, or your child’s reading or testing level.
Must understand what it’s like to have no money to do anything and be willing to do free (kinda boring) stuff with me without pouting.
Lastly, please join Ricochet.
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Comments :
Re: Wanted: A Friend
Does your perfect best friend have a perfect age range? If not, I'd like to apply. I can even provide references!!--but if my age automatically disqualifies me, I'm also an excellent babysitter, and I would love to meet your daughter. One of my happiest memories from high school was working at a summer camp for children who had down syndrome. It was a lot of fun.
May '10
Re: Wanted: A Friend
I almost met all the criteria, but I am three years too old and don't run. I love to walk though, and bike (my knees don't like running).
Re: Wanted: A Friend
Whoops - I didn't initially see the must be "between ages of 35-45" (since I have the vision of a 70 year old!). I'll report back in 13 years.
Re: Wanted: A Friend
Well, dear Emily, I might waive that rule for an actual contributor! Also, your camp experience is certainly valuable. And when you say "babysitting" you mean you'd just come here to CT out of the kindness of your sweet heart to watch the three nutters while I take a little napsie, right? All on your own dime, of course. Poor Emily. You may not know what you have signed up for :) Seriously, though, thanks for responding. I figured I'd drive everyone away with my crazy, middle-age-momma demands.
Re: Wanted: A Friend
I could do bike rides and perhaps walking. The times are okay with you? Tell me more, PJS .... I *do* think you are my local friend, aren't you?
Re: Wanted: A Friend
Certainly! But perhaps we could devise some sort of bartering system: my babysitting services in exchange for a home cooked meal or two. A girl can only live on so many microwaveable meals.
May '10
Re: Wanted: A Friend
I’m not putting in for the position (I don't meet many of your criteria), but I do hope that you find the person that you are looking for.
I have a good number of wonderful friends. The one thing that my wife and I have had a hard time with is finding friends who are in the same space in life as us (couples friends, that is) and know how hard it can be to find the right people to fit in your life.
May '10
Re: Wanted: A Friend
Would you ever consider moving to Maryland? I can totally understand where you're coming from. Have you looked into joining a moms club? We have a chapter of MOMS Club Int'l here in my neighborhood. I'm sure there are some in CT - www.momsclub.org. But you have to be careful. Some sahm's can get a little cliquey, and you can feel like your back in high school. Some spend any club event/playdate whining about how hard they have it and complaining about their husbands. These are often the moms with the worst behaving children. I've met some really good sahm friends at church. We also joined a big gym with kids activities. I've met some nice moms there, too.
May '10
Re: Wanted: A Friend
I know a number of women who'd fit your criteria. Unfortunately they're all in California. But I wish you the best. Good friends are what makes life rich.
May '10
Re: Wanted: A Friend
Awww, we all love ya, puddin. I haver basically the same problem as you, being more comfortable around women. But that leads to the whole Harry Met Sally dilemma...
Re: Wanted: A Friend
Can I ask a slightly serious question? Ursula, this may be totally wrong, or off-base, or sexist, or just nuts, but: I've noticed that women, as they get out of college and have families and lives, tend to lose touch with their old friends, and tend to have fewer "hang out" kinds of friends than men in the same age/life category. Why is that? Is it harder for women to make and keep friends? Or -- and this is maybe where I'm off base -- I've noticed that women are often really tough on each other, really hard on their friends. Men, in my experience, tend to be a lot more tolerant and indulgent of their loser pals, of the small transgressions between friends, even of outright jerky behavior. Men can hang out and drink a beer or watch TV and maybe exchange 6 words and it's a totally satisfying experience. And men tend to be less competitive with each other -- oh, sure, we compete in silly stuff, but women, from my observation, tend to be acutely aware of where each is in her life, her happiness, her weight, everything. Why is that?
Re: Wanted: A Friend
Rob, you are correct on almost all accounts. A couple of quibbles: the two friends I mentioned are both from college, so I've kept them, and happily so. Also, I'm totally fine with few words exchanged. I could go for a run, for example, and barely talk, but be happy if I was with my friend. As to all the other matters, you are spot on. Women, or, at least, those like me, *are* too competitive, too sensitive, too unforgiving of small sins. However, at least for me, these things are "catchy." I'm not competitive unless another eggs it on with some sort of challenge. I'm not really envious of friends, because I feel pretty happy with my own life. If I had a bum husband, or felt like I had never had a chance to be in the workforce, or felt like I'd been ripped off in my education, or something, I'd be more envious. You'd think that I'd be envious of money, but for some reason I'm not. I can see how it makes some things easier, but many things more complicated. (1/2)
Re: Wanted: A Friend
However, I do think it would be hard for me to be friends with someone with a full-time babysitter, a trainer, a summer home, etc. Not so much out of jealousy but because I'd be staring at a blank slate when I talked about my life. What would that person understand of my life's chaos? How could they give me advice on how to spend the summer with 3 small kids when they've sent theirs off to camp each year? The Venn diagram of shared ground is miniscule. It's not jealousy, but a lack of convesation topics that hinders the friendship from the get-go. Likewise, when someone secretly thinks I made a mistake by having a disabled child, it's very hard to be honest about my life. If I complain about how hard it is, aren't they thinking, "See. I was right. She shouldn't have had her"? If I struggle in life despite my faith, I sense a similar "I told you so" from my anti-religious friends. Finally, no one would like to work on my own faults and flaws more than me, but who has the time while my kids are so small? I think I need an equally-flawed friend to relax. Not sure this makes women (or me) any more understandable or deserving of a friend, but it gets at some truth, I think. (2/2)
Re: Wanted: A Friend
Emily Esfahani Smith
Certainly! But perhaps we could devise some sort of bartering system: my babysitting services in exchange for a home cooked meal or two. A girl can only live on so many microwaveable meals. · Aug 19 at 10:16am
I've checked with my husband, the resident chef. Come on down, Emily! (Or up, right? You are in NJ?) You are officially invited to Chez Hennessey for Babysitting, Banter, BBQ Bison (kidding) and the Hennessey version of Bananas Foster (not kidding.) Come one, come all -- friends/boyfriends welcome. (I'll email you once the kids are in the school routine ... looking forward to it!)
May '10
Re: Wanted: A Friend
Ursula: Have you considered taking up scrapbooking? No, no, no don't turn away; keep listening. Scrapbooking encompasses everything from super-fancy to digital to slipping photos into albums to making cards. You don't have to be crafty. The best thing is that groups of women get together on a regular basis to work on their projects, hang out, eat junk food, drink wine, and generally have a great time. You would meet women of all sorts and conditions, so even if you can't find the one perfect BFF, you might find several new BFs. If you are an introvert and have trouble with the small talk like me, all you have to do admire someone's project and - boom - you have a conversation. I bet you have thousands of digital photos of your children and a bunch of great stories about them you tell. Come over to the dark side with me.
Aug '10
Re: Wanted: A Friend
All the best in finding a close girlfriend. It can make a tremendous difference in the quality of life having people around you that are like-minded, and having someone that invests in you as you invest in them. I can sympathize with that goal.
I wish you nothing but luck.
Re: Wanted: A Friend
I've been thinking a lot lately about the accidental relationships in our lives -- the random incidents when two people who otherwise would not have known each other share in an experience that creates closeness. It's an organic and uncontrollable way of creating a connection. And it's different from the way we form other relationships -- ones where we meet in clubs or schools or workplaces where we come to the table already equipped with common interests. And it's very very different from relationships that we actively seek out based on a set of criteria. Not that there's anything wrong with knowing what you want in someone and looking for those qualities. I realize there's not a constant flux of people just wandering around waiting to collide with us and sometimes you have to make a little effort to get good people into your life. But I find myself drawn more towards the random connections (perhaps because my parents met at a bus stop and the person on this planet I most like talking to is my brother and I had absolutely no control over the fact that he's in my life).
May '10
Re: Wanted: A Friend
One of the hardest things about being a stay at home mom is that many moms I encounter talk only about things, not ideas. Conversations sometimes descend into a misery-loves-company fest, where the negativity just ends up exhausting me. And I'm worse off than if I had just stayed home. Motherhood is tough, certainly, but we're all dealing with the same issues. Yes, my kid had a meltdown in Target. Or my husband made me angry. Or stuff keeps breaking down in my house. Or I'm imperfect in just about every way. But, why must is be rehashed at every opportunity? This sure beats working in a cube every day, at least to me. And I am a work in progress. Everyone needs to vent, but I had to make efforts to seek out people who had a more positive perspective on life. I look back at the friends I've kept up with over the years, all in different places in life, and the one common denominator is that they are truly joyful, not always happy, but joyful. Life is too short to put up with toxic people, even at the playground.
May '10
Re: Wanted: A Friend
You're a good egg Ursula and I thank you again for taking the time that could be spent napping to share your observations with all of us.
Re: Wanted: A Friend
See, my theory (but may not be true) is that if all these common areas are established up front (e.g. we KNOW we all have the same issues) we won't have to spend any time talking about it. It kind of frees us up to talk about other things. It's a comfort zone that allows other topics in. I feel that's what helps my two main friendships work.