Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
One of the real joys of life for me is reading the essays of Joseph Epstein (you can find him in Commentary, The Weekly Standard, New Criterion, and in his own books of essays). His prefatory essay to In a Cardboard Belt!: Essays Personal, Literary, and Savage is entitled “Kid Turns Seventy, Nobody Cheers.” It's wise rumination about turning seventy, with commentary on the great differences between what it meant to grow up in the Fifties and Sixties and to grow up now. Epstein has me by 10-15 years, but I see the world much the same as he does. Two excerpts from this essay are, in particular, worth sharing. The first defines when a person has accepted his "dufferhood":
“At seventy it is natural to begin to view the world from the sidelines, . . . watching younger people do the dances of ambition, competition, lust, and the rest of it.” xvi
I'm just about there.
The second is the more important observation:
“I . . . grew up at a time when the goal was to be adult as soon as possible, while today . . . the goal is to stay young as possible for as long as possible. The consequences of this for the culture are enormous. That people live longer means only that they can remain kids longer: uncommitted to marriage, serious work, life itself. Adolescence has been stretched out, at least into one’s thirties, perhaps one’s early forties.” xxi
His observation is a profound one for our society. I got married before I could "afford" it, and we had kids long before we had the slightest idea how we would pay for college; but it worked out--necessity really is the mother of invention.
Other than the privileges of "dufferhood," I have no right to give anyone else advice. That, of course, does not prevent me giving some to the younger Ricocheteers: Get married and have kids. It will turn you into an adult. You'll like it. And it's one of the best things you can do for a culture that needs some help. [TR gets off soapbox and toddles to couch to catch his breath].
- Comment (59)
- · Quote
- · UnfollowFollow (6)
Comments:
Jun '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Easier said than done. Maybe Ricochet needs a personals section...
May '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
I have special dispensation, being an invalid and a cripple. Also, my brother has thoughtfully provided the Most Ancient and Noble House of Smith with an heir, guaranteeing the succession (no, Little Sis, pictured right, can't inherit; she's a girl; were you brought up in a barn?). What's more, we got another on the way. Possibly a spare heir.
But I do my bit. Raised Little Sis to be shrewd, canny and cynical. After my own heart. And now I am the Shakespearean archetype of the Evil Uncle, with my clutches on the minds of the heir(s). This is what I leave behind.
Apr '12
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
A noble goal, and one that I share. Finding an intelligent & mature gal @ a young age makes things a tad more difficult. Hardly impossible, of course.
For me, medical school also presents a serious challenge, as I've read >50% of relationships end due to the stress put on both partners.
Jun '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Joseph Stanko
Easier said than done. Maybe Ricochet needs a personals section... · 1 minute ago
I think you may have just plugged the last remaining hole in the Ricochet business plan.
And I do realize getting married isn't something that happens at the snap of your fingers. My concern is, in Joseph Epstein's words, that so many are "uncommitted to marriage, serious work, and life itself." Being unmarried is not the same as being uncommitted to marriage.
Dec '11
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
As did mine. My parentals were married in their early thirties; my mother gave birth in her mid to late thirties. This was a positively radical game plan for members of the Greatest Generation. The most noteworthy observation I could make about this family planning scheme is that it provoked a strong marriage and two self-sufficient and independently minded kids.
Edited on April 17, 2012 at 2:20amNov '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Douglas
Life isn't about fun unless you're rich. That's the truth, straight up. Of course children are tiring. Of course you don't get to do things as a couple anymore. Your number one responsibility when you have children are the children themselves. But ask any of those tired parents if, they had it to do over, they'd give up parenthood for partying.
And they'll have lots of time later in life to travel and do things as a couple. Whereas I and many of my friends will be raising our children into our old age.
Not that I think 26 is terribly old to get married, Diane. But I'd personally be quite happy if my daughter got married younger than that.
Edited on April 17, 2012 at 2:21amDec '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
tabula rasa
Take a little closer look. I think you'll find them far more fulfilled than you think. Exhausted, yes, but also fulfilled.
It was not my purpose to suggest everyone get married right out of high school. And 26 isn't exactly over the hill. Each person must make their own choices, but there comes a point when we should become real adults (and I believe getting married and having children are inherently the most adult things we do).
There's one exception to this rule. Serving in the military is equally effective at maturing people, IMO.
Jun '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Kennedy Smith: I have special dispensation, being an invalid and a cripple. Also, my brother has thoughtfully provided the Most Ancient and Noble House of Smith with an heir, guaranteeing the succession (no, Little Sis, pictured right, can't inherit; she's a girl; were you brought up in a barn?). What's more, we got another on the way. Possibly a spare heir.
But I do my bit. Raised Little Sis to be shrewd, canny and cynical. After my own heart. And now I am the Shakespearean archetype of the Evil Uncle, with my clutches on the minds of the heir(s). This is what I leave behind. · 1 minute ago
I have an unmarried son who claims that his life goals are (1) to be the "funcle" (fun uncle) and (2) to corrupt all his nieces and nephews. To each his role.
Jun '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Western Chauvinist
There's one exception to this rule. Serving in the military is equally effective at maturing people, IMO. · 1 minute ago
Can't argue with that. A war may be childish--those who fight them are grown-ups.
Apr '11
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Diane Ellis, Ed.
But Paul never married or had children. Somehow he still became a man :-) · 53 minutes ago
Paul killed people and had a powerful religious experience, which are alternative routes. Marrying is just the easiest one to come by for civilians. Plus, he'd had to make payroll, which always helps.
Edited on April 17, 2012 at 2:39amMar '12
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
I married at 21, and I graduated from college in 2009. One thin I really had going for me was that I graduated with my B.A. at 20, which gave me a two year head start over my classmates. If we want earlier marriage, we have to start working with a timeline for the middle class existence that doesn't take so long to reach. It also took family support--we ended up living with my parents on and off for two years as my husband finished college and did a fellowship.
I think early marriage has been the most rewarding thing I've ever done, even if it is occasionally trying. I've never regretted it, though it wasn't what I expected for my life. I'm glad I got here, and glad that the circumstances of our life (immigration) made marriage, not cohabitation, the acceptable option.
May '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
tabula rasa
I have an unmarried son who claims that his life goals are (1) to be the "funcle" (fun uncle) and (2) to corrupt all his nieces and nephews. To each his role. · 12 minutes ago
The world needs its Slytherins, and I'm raising quite a clutch of them. Though in fairness, it was not my original life goal. Circumstances. If we could look into the seeds of time and see which will grow and which will not...
Which is why a spare heir is so important. The first may be a total bust. Good thing little brother picked up the slack.
Relieved to hear that "funcle" means "fun uncle". I was worried people were calling me something less flattering.
Edited on April 17, 2012 at 2:50amNov '11
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Liberty Dude: A noble goal, and one that I share. Finding an intelligent & mature gal @ a young age makes things a tad more difficult. Hardly impossible, of course.
For me, medical school also presents a serious challenge, as I've read >50% of relationships end due to the stress put on both partners. · 11 minutes ago
Important points, Liberty Dude. It once was the case that medical students were not permitted to be married, for what then seemed obvious reasons. Similarly enlisted men had to have permission to marry. But that was a time when men were expected to be able to support a wife and maybe a family before they got married, and so men tended to be older than their wives. It worked well, I think, given that their young wives were much less likely to suffer from infertility.
I do fear that young women today think that biology can be ignored, and I believe this has caused a great deal of unhappiness.
Thanks for the post, tabula rasa. Epstein is right.
May '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
I remember when we were engaged (I was 23 when I got married; my husband not quite 22) a large, genial Texan professor telling us how highly he recommended marrying early. We said, "Assuming, of course, that you marry the right person?" He said, "Well, yes. I suppose if you're going to marry the wrong person, the longer you wait, the better."
Sep '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
I'd sign up, but there aren't that many women interested in marrying an airplane. "That Merlin engine," they all say, "it's high maintenance."
Jan '11
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
This is the ad displayed while reading this thread.
Apr '12
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
I think Hannity has a personal section on his website, why not Ricochet? It's tough enough meeting fellow intellectuals. Think about it Peter, Rob - announcing the first "Ricochet Marriage."
Jun '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
If only we could know in advance.
Jan '12
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Time may or may not be running out for my son and his wife, who have been married for almost five years but are still both centered on their careers; but time is definitely running out for his Dad, who last month got his official geezer certificate in the form a Medicare card. I'd much rather spend what time I have left knowing I had a grandchild. Of course, I fear for that little one's liberty, even his or her safety, should the Progressives continue their depredations, but it's worth the risk if I can have a little nachus before I go.
Another thing, Tabula Rasa: it is not just personal nostalgia speaking when I say that being a kid in the 1950's was a heck of a lot better than being a kid now. Even in urbanized areas kids could safely wander the streets without immediate adult protection. No more.
Edited on April 17, 2012 at 3:50amJul '11
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
I've heard a lot of reasons to put off marriage indefinitely, but one reason in particular makes me sad: "I have so much I want to DO before I get married!"
To this I would say that married people get to do important things and experience life together. They learn, grow, change, and enjoy life's ups and downs together, sharing each other's burdens, successes and joys along the way. Why wait to get married until after you've done everything you want to do in life? Don't you want to share each day with your best friend?
This may sound naive, but it's true. Along with marriage's difficulties, compromises, sacrifices, etc. comes that added element of having a partner in all your sorrows, your triumphs, your memories. That's a priceless gift.
----C