Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
One of the real joys of life for me is reading the essays of Joseph Epstein (you can find him in Commentary, The Weekly Standard, New Criterion, and in his own books of essays). His prefatory essay to In a Cardboard Belt!: Essays Personal, Literary, and Savage is entitled “Kid Turns Seventy, Nobody Cheers.” It's wise rumination about turning seventy, with commentary on the great differences between what it meant to grow up in the Fifties and Sixties and to grow up now. Epstein has me by 10-15 years, but I see the world much the same as he does. Two excerpts from this essay are, in particular, worth sharing. The first defines when a person has accepted his "dufferhood":
“At seventy it is natural to begin to view the world from the sidelines, . . . watching younger people do the dances of ambition, competition, lust, and the rest of it.” xvi
I'm just about there.
The second is the more important observation:
“I . . . grew up at a time when the goal was to be adult as soon as possible, while today . . . the goal is to stay young as possible for as long as possible. The consequences of this for the culture are enormous. That people live longer means only that they can remain kids longer: uncommitted to marriage, serious work, life itself. Adolescence has been stretched out, at least into one’s thirties, perhaps one’s early forties.” xxi
His observation is a profound one for our society. I got married before I could "afford" it, and we had kids long before we had the slightest idea how we would pay for college; but it worked out--necessity really is the mother of invention.
Other than the privileges of "dufferhood," I have no right to give anyone else advice. That, of course, does not prevent me giving some to the younger Ricocheteers: Get married and have kids. It will turn you into an adult. You'll like it. And it's one of the best things you can do for a culture that needs some help. [TR gets off soapbox and toddles to couch to catch his breath].
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Mar '12
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Nathaniel and I did just that and, well, sometimes I feel like I'm missing out on all those cocktail parties and schmoozing opportunities. Instead, I wander around with spitup on my shoulder and faint whining in the background while I try to interview legislators behind a closed door upstairs.
I would rather "be an adult," but the rewards are far more internal.
--Joy
May '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
I second TR's advice. By the time I was 25 I'd gotten married, graduated from college, served a stint in the military, started my career, bought my first home, and was beginning my graduate degree. I don't personally know any 25 year olds today who are in that kind of place. Yes, I missed out on some fun stuff when I was young. But now, at 65, my grandchildren envy my social life and I am fully persuaded that this is the best stage of life.
But the only way you get to have a great life at 65 is by getting started young, building the necessary bits and pieces of a life, and putting them together in a partnership with someone you love and who loves you.
While running around this morning I saw a car driven by a young woman. It had a bumper sticker: Childless and loving it. It was one of the saddest things I've seen in a long time. Things may change, but if they do not I feel deep pity for that young woman 30-35 years from now.
Dec '11
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
I'll have kids just as soon as I can pay for them...
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
I didn't get married until I was 32, but it wasn't for lack of trying. In fact, I almost was a teenage bride, if you can imagine. So while I would say a life with the wrong spouse would be something worth avoiding, I completely agree with this advice. My husband and I are so happy and are blessed with beautiful children but our only regret is that we didn't get a chance to get married to each other younger. He also found, for what it's worth, that getting married and having kids was just what the doctor ordered in terms of focusing him in the direction he wanted to go professionally.
Garrett, if someone hasn't told you this by now:
If you wait until you can afford children to have them, you will never ever have them.
Jun '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Joy: My wife and I raised five children (two of whom need to be married). For about 15 years, before going to work (this was back in the day when men actually still wore suits), I'd pick the suit with smallest amount of "spitup" stain on the shoulders.
Edited on April 16, 2012 at 11:53pmJun '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
You raise a good point. The chief blessing of having children comes when they have children (we call them grandchildren). Do the math. If you wait too long to have kids, you're likely to be dead and gone when the best benefit of the whole project comes along.
Jul '11
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
My brother had a vasectomy and no kids. I have 5 kids 5,9,15,17, 22(stepson but I raised him from 10). I'm happier but border on insanity at times with the pitter pat of little destruction creatures. He's grounded but searching for meaning. I'll take my lot any day as I've found being a husband and father to be the most rewarding thing I've ever done. Stay on your soap box TR, it's a good one and family values are the only thing capable of truly saving our country (after we kick out the bum).
Jun '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
15 and 17 at the same time. That will make you strong, if it doesn't kill you first.
Our 3rd and 4th were a little more than 12 months apart (woops). I had hair before those two became teen-agers.
May '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
This is a common sentiment among young adults I've known. I wonder if people of our generation are generally more prone to try to plan their lives, whereas older generations took a more "God will provide" or "Que sera sera" attitude. Or perhaps the hippie generation was just stupidly impulsive and that stupidity works out in this case. ;)
Dec '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Unfortunately, I think "kids" in their young and mid twenties these days are much less mature, much less into adult partnerships leading seriously to commitment via a legal piece of paper, etc. It's more difficult these days for young people to find compatible persons if they themselves are seriously looking to "get married young and have kids". It's not the mantra of today's recent college grads, imo.
Jun '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Aaron Miller
I wonder if people of our generation are generally more prone to try to plan their lives . . .
A thought on "planning." I don't know which general said this (and I paraphrase), but it's true for military engagements, life in general, and, above all other things, raising kids: "The plan rarely survives more than a few minutes after first contact with the enemy."
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Gee, I dunno folks. The people I know who got married young (19 - 22) all seem like old fogies by 35. A brood of children, always exhausted, never are able to travel or do things as a couple.
As a teenager, I thought it would be nice to get married young, but my parents persistently advised against it for all the reasons that I listed above. I didn't see it then, but I do now.
In any case, I'm getting married in 3 months at the age of 26. I feel ready for it now, but I'm glad I had the opportunity to go to college, travel, live in a city for a spell, and have a few years to pursue my interests before entering into a lifelong sacrificial commitment.
Mar '11
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
There are incredibly negative social costs to our quest for eternal youth. Avoiding marriage and kids and stable homes all have real consequences for the social order, and that has consequences for everything else... the government, economy, you name it. We were all better off when it was the number one priority for teenagers to become young men and start their own adult lives (and adult responsibilities) sooner rather than later.
Mar '11
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Life isn't about fun unless you're rich. That's the truth, straight up. Of course children are tiring. Of course you don't get to do things as a couple anymore. Your number one responsibility when you have children are the children themselves. But ask any of those tired parents if, they had it to do over, they'd give up parenthood for partying.
Jun '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Take a little closer look. I think you'll find them far more fulfilled than you think. Exhausted, yes, but also fulfilled.
It was not my purpose to suggest everyone get married right out of high school. And 26 isn't exactly over the hill. Each person must make their own choices, but there comes a point when we should become real adults (and I believe getting married and having children are inherently the most adult things we do). To put it in scriptural terms, I think Paul had it right:
Edited on April 17, 2012 at 1:22amRe: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Douglas
But ask any of those tired parents if, they had it to do over, they'd give up parenthood for partying. · 3 minutes ago
I don't know if it's fair to caricature the dichotomy in that way. It's not as though everyone who postpones parenting does so to party.
I know plenty of people who are pleased they delayed having children until their 30's. And in my parents' case, they had their third child in their 40's. It's kept them active and sprightly.
In any case, I don't wish to disparage people who choose to start families very young. But marrying and having children isn't necessarily a great course of action for all 19 & 20 year olds.
May '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Energy level while raising kids is also a factor. The younger you are, the more physical activities you can share with your kids. By 30, you can already feel your energy diminishing and feel your joints degrading.
Also, a significant percentage of people run into medical problems in middle age which hinder them physically (and emotionally) or increase family bills. Younger parents are perhaps more reliable in some ways.
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
tabula rasa
Take a little closer look. I think you'll find them far more fulfilled than you think. Exhausted, yes, but also fulfilled.
It was not my purpose to suggest everyone get married right out of high school. And 26 isn't exactly over the hill. Each person must make their own choices, but there comes a point when we should become real adults (and I believe getting married and having children are inherently the most adult things we do). To put it in scriptural terms, I think Paul had it right:
12 minutes ago
But Paul never married or had children. Somehow he still became a man :-)
Jul '11
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
tabula rasa
15 and 17 at the same time. That will make you strong, if it doesn't kill you first.
Our 3rd and 4th were a little more than 12 months apart (woops). I had hair before those two became teen-agers. · 1 hour ago
I raised them solo for 2 years from ages 2/4 to 4/6 and worked also. Nietzsche was right.
The teenage years have been fine but I use shock collars.
Jun '10
Re: Unsolicited Advice from a Duffer to Younger Members: Get Married, Have Kids, Be an Adult. Now!!
Diane Ellis, Ed.
tabula rasa
. . . . It was not my purpose to suggest everyone get married right out of high school. And 26 isn't exactly over the hill. Each person must make their own choices, but there comes a point when we should become real adults (and I believe getting married and having children are inherently the most adult things we do). To put it in scriptural terms, I think Paul had it right:
But Paul never married or had children. Somehow he still became a man.
Stop trying to destroy my narrative with facts. Are we sure he didn't have kids? Maybe that's why he went on the long trips.
And, remember, fewer kids, less social security for me.