Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
One of the most humbling things about medicine is being forced to confront the painful and difficult matters that make up this life. I have one more week in the acute assessment unit on an aged psychiatry ward. There are sob stories here aplenty, enough tears and hurt to drown the nation, no doubt. Last week I admitted a Polish lady who spent the cream of her teenage years, aged 15 to 18, as a forced labourer in World War II Germany. She was forcibly taken by the Wermacht and never again saw her parents. In one of those cruel twists of history, the end of the war saw Soviet occupation of her homeland and she and all those in her refugee camp fled to Australia rather than face communist rule. She now lives in a paranoid world, haunted by memories of the things she saw in Germany, which she now confuses with modern life in Melbourne.
That’s tragic, a true tale of woe caused by the cruelty of man, and the horrors of war and slavery. Life however, has other tragedies -- things the U.N. cannot solve. There are some deeply distressing experiences that have nothing to do with dictators and greed, and everything to do with the frailty of the human condition.
“Arthur” is 80 and a giant of a man. He came to us two nights ago simply because his wife, the love of his life, his companion of 60 years, can no longer cope with the confused, incontinent wreck that Alzheimer’s dementia has made of her man. Arthur migrated to Australia in the 1950s from Greece. He worked as common laborer, and saved enough to marry his teenage sweetheart and raise three loving children. Arthur then went to school and studied enough to qualify to join the police force, where he had a dignified career, without formal distinction, but with more than a small amount of respect from his peers.
His family adore him and are beside themselves with grief at what he has become. Throughout his life, he was dedicated to his wife. The two had been inseparable until, on the verge of breakdown from lack of sleep, she brought him to our unit. In his moments of lucidity, all Arthur asks for is his wife. He complains he cannot sleep without the comfort of her presence in the same room. For her part, she is racked with guilt that he is away from home and that, after three years, she has had to ask someone else to care for him for a while.
There is no secular meaning to this suffering. There is nothing one can blame apart from the deadly combination of genes and environment that caused a protein called amyloid to deposit itself in Arthur’s brain and eat away his personality and memories. For his wife, the love of her life exists in fragments, within the shell of a frequently incoherent, irritable, wandering insomniac. It is a true tragedy -- and it is part of a normal and “good” life.
It is in circumstances such as these that I have found that religious faith has enormous power, to both comfort and to lend meaning to the pain. There is hope. Hope that Arthur has a life after this to come, and that his family may one day meet him again. Hope that there was some enduring purpose to the sacrifices and life of an 80-year old husband and father called Arthur.
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May '10
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.:
I learned so much from that year, young as I was. It's always stayed with me the love that family members and friends showed to people as they prepared for death or dealt with long-term disability. Given that death happens to each of us and is all around us, it's kind of surprising how well we hide it from popular culture -- at least in any meaningful way. · 0 minutes ago
Mollie, I have long thought of this as one of the serious deprivations of contemporary life and culture. We have much too little acquaintance with death and dying. I think I was past 35 before someone I really knew and loved died.
I am so grateful for modern medicine and for longer life-expectancy. But still, as you say, death comes for all of us. If would be good if we thought of it more, and came to understand it better. We need the perspective to live life well.
That's partly what drove me to volunteer with hospice.
Jul '12
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Even stranger here in liberal Madison, WI where people band together to pour thousands of dollars into saving an abused pet and work to find it a "loving home that can care for a special needs pet." At work, I've seen requests go out for people to drive from Minneapolis to Madison to bring one of these pets to a vet that would do surguries to keep it alive. Meanwhile, these same caring people dismiss "special needs people."
As a boy in rural Kansas, when we took our dog to the vet we got two price quotes: one to repair and one to put down. Someday soon, the vet won't be able to make that offer... but all hospitals will be required to do so.
Jan '11
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Thank you, Antipodius. That was heartbreaking.
katievs:
Among the "evidences" for religious belief is the experience that it makes sense out of what is otherwise meaningless. It lends dignity and hope, beauty and nobility even, to the entire range of human experience.
This could almost be Exhibit A in my case that it's easier to argue for religion's goodness (no small thing that) than for its veracity.
I hope, I sincerely hope that there is something beyond this world, preferably where justice and punishment are meted out to the wicked and mercy and peace to the virtuous. But I have no assurance -- no faith -- that such a thing exists. Perhaps the Universe is simply is simply a capricious and ultimately meaningless place that can rob a good man of his wits and his wife of her life's partner for no reason other than the mechanics of biology and chemistry. I'd prefer the former reality to the latter, but that seems like a poor method to evaluate the possibilities.
Edited on October 11, 2012 at 5:32pmJan '11
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
And not necessarily contingent on God's existence.
God lends cohesion and direction to our experience of meaning, but we experience these things regardless of his existence. I love my fiance just as much on the days I'm an agnostic as when I'm a Deist/Ethical Monotheist.
Jan '11
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
katievs
Mollie Hemingway, Ed.:
I learned so much from that year, young as I was. It's always stayed with me the love that family members and friends showed to people as they prepared for death or dealt with long-term disability. Given that death happens to each of us and is all around us, it's kind of surprising how well we hide it from popular culture -- at least in any meaningful way.
Mollie, I have long thought of this as one of the serious deprivations of contemporary life and culture. We have much too little acquaintance with death and dying. I think I was past 35 before someone I really knew and loved died.
I am so grateful for modern medicine and for longer life-expectancy. But still, as you say, death comes for all of us. If would be good if we thought of it more, and came to understand it better.
Agreed on all points.
Feb '11
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
How do we treat the most vulnerable among us? Do we recognize our own humanity in theirs? Do we welcome them, comfort them, seek to suffer alongside them? Assisted suicide is the antithesis of solidarity.
For the past 4 years we toads have been visiting a nursing home with many patients with dementia. My youngest was a week old when we first visited, and has grown up knowing these old people. From week to week they can't always remember my name. Some of them can't speak well at all, but they all remember the words of the prayers. They worry about the young people moving too fast and hurting themselves, and their eyes are constantly on the children. We pray the Rosary and then often sing songs or recite poetry. We tell them about our week and thank them for their prayers. And occasionally we attend their funeral Masses, with two tadpoles serving as altar servers.
This past week we saw an ad in our church bulletin that the director of activities was looking for people to read stories to the folks. My two oldest sons asked me immediately if they could do that too. Deo gratias.
Edited on October 11, 2012 at 5:36pmMar '12
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
My mother-in-law had Alzheimers and my father-in-law had early stage dementia. They were in an assisted-living community in another state. My wife was worried about them. My father-in-law, whose mental shape was the better of the two, was living through a maalox moment all the time.
I told my wife that she could bring them home. We redid the lower level, carpet, paint, some furniture, and brought them in. My wife was able to care for her parents until, separately, each of their needs were so great that my wife was disintegrating physically and emotionally. She lifted the burden of caring for her mother from her father's shoulders. They were fed, bathed, had clean clothes and clean quarters to live in.
Once they, individually, were shifted to a convalescent hospital, she visited them. For her mother, who died first, she would visit or take her father, who spent the days with his wife. At the end of the day, my wife would pick up her father and visit with her mother. Her visiting occurred every other day.
Then she visited her father, who was in the same hospital, until he died.
Nov '10
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Thank you for this beautiful reminder of how fleeting life is and how unimportant are many of the things that occupy us daily. As Our Lord is reported to have said:
Jan '11
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Lovely post.
Last night I took a friend, a recent widow, to the e.r. & she's undergoing testing. This morning I saw 1 of her teenagers off to school & will check on the other in few hours. My own father slips into dementia; he & my mother are 1200 miles away.
In my youth I contemplated life w/o God; it was cold & bleak. God's love & loving Him bring warmth, comfort, hope & richness to my life.
Mar '12
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
27 continued
We never considered "putting them down." We never considered human beings like pets or farm animals. The human being is the sole entry in the statement, "made in the image and likeness of God." So, mercy killing by any name, is morally wrong.
My wife was able to fulfill the commandment to "honor your father and your mother," which is a precept of the moral (or natural) law. I held her up when she needed holding, and when the strain became too much, an act of providence occurred. Her mother broke her leg and I took her to the hospital. Once her mother was in a hospital room, the nurse looked at my wife and asked how it was going. My wife noted that she was pretty much wrung out. That nurse got my mother-in-law into a good convalescent hospital.
It is our hope to once again see those we loved in this life in the world to come. What M1919A4 wrote in 28 is what we believe and look forward to.
Apr '11
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Thank you for this post which is so timely for me. My 84 year old mother is living in the twilight of dementia and we watch her slip away a little bit every day. We are thankful that God is holding us fast during this time.
Jan '11
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Great post. Thank you.
Long ago, I became fascinated with the study of prayer, and part of that study led me to study consciousness. Consciousness is one of those things that everyone thinks they know, but few do. In fact, I'd say that there's no overwhelming consensus on anything in the study of consciousness. Granted, I'm a pure amateur and not a brain scientist, but I'm not sure anyone has a complete grasp on consciousness.
My point is that we often (unfortunately) associate the person with his consciousness. When the brain suffers a disease, and one's self-consciousness is attacked, we feel as if the person is disappearing, and that his soul is fading. But a person is more than just his consciousness. The soul is not just the brain. The soul is a grace from God, and a unique person - not merely one consciousness among many.
When his consciousness fades, we lose our ability to communicate and relate with him, and that's tragedy enough. But consciousness is always a volatile measurement anyway, and it's never the measure of the soul.
Heaven isn't filled with thoughts; it's filled with souls.
May '10
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Mama Toad: How do we treat the most vulnerable among us? Do we recognize our own humanity in theirs? Do we welcome them, comfort them, seek to suffer alongside them? Assisted suicide is the antithesis of solidarity.
For the past 4 years we toads have been visiting a nursing home with many patients with dementia. ...This past week we saw an ad in our church bulletin that the director of activities was looking for people to read stories to the folks. My two oldest sons asked me immediately if they could do that too. Deo gratias. ·
I wish you could raise my kids too!
Aug '12
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Antipodius
It is in circumstances such as these that I have found that religious faith has enormous power, to both comfort and to lend meaning to the pain. There is hope.
Yes. Wonderful post. And I would add that the grace of God one needs to walk through the situation is critical and offers meaning. I wrote about this in dealing with my own mother who has Alzheimer's/dementia, To honor when it isn't fair, which gives yet another perspective on the value of faith in these trials.
Sep '12
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
If it weren't for the hope you speak of, life wouldn't have much value. That which means nothing is easily thrown away. That which means everything is treasured so long as it can be. But how to release our treasures to realize their eternal value? I've never had to do this so I can't advise. Even so, I'm not looking forward to the occasion.
Sep '10
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
I was at Auschwitz two weeks ago and they weren't dead, they were there teaching me. Likewise, when I go, I'll live on in my children and they'll teach my grandchildren what my mother taught me. And they'll remember the wonders of the years that we were growing up together.
I hope that you believers will come around to allowing me the dignity of choosing my own time.
Jul '11
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Douglas
With few exceptions, men are not animals. · 2 hours ago
I disagree. All men are animals some more than others. It is the divine spark that gives man his intellect and his soul that allows him the possibility to transcend his animal nature and become something much, much more. Unfortunately we live in a physical world where injury and disease can cause the divine gift of intellect to deteriorate and warp, trapping the soul in the animal body. Is it not kinder, more humane to release the soul to continue its journey than to leave it trapped in the animal body to be tortured? Is it not kinder both emotionally and economically to end the soul’s entrapment than putting the family through the distress and expense of watching their loved one deteriorate in a fight that can have only one outcome? As the saying goes “they shoot horses don’t they”, so why should we show a human less humanity than we would show a horse or any other animal?
Aug '12
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Christianity can find meaning in suffering. But suffering remains the darkest of mysteries. I will note this one good I have seen from suffering: suffering calls forth the best from us frail creatures - courage, stamina, empathy... It puts love to the severest tests. Again and again I have been awed to see love, that, put to the test, does not fail. Most of us I'll wager have seen the same - tragedy and testing and triumph. Some in this forum have lived it. I'm not near done contemplating what I've seen.
Oct '12
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Oct '12
Re: Tragedy Is Part of Life; What We Often Lack Is Meaning
Fake John Galt: Humans have souls.