This Christmas, Help A Liberal
There are few experiences in life that simultaneously inspire such great boat loads of joy and dread as Christmas shopping. Do you get a lump in your throat when you finally come across that one item you know will light up your children's eyes? Do your own eyes moisten slightly when you find the Christmas card that so beautifully and perfectly encapsulates the depth of your feelings for a loved one? On the other hand, do you trudge wearily and aimlessly through vast, cavernous, fluorescent lit asylums, blocked at every turn by impromptu family reunions that take place in the middle of the only passable aisle in the joint or nearly run over by a whole family using a stroller full of packages as a blocker while the little fartling who should be in the stroller runs wildly about the place like the Tasmainian Devil on speed? Do you view a shopping mall as the very epitome of Dante's hellacious vision? This year, you have a special alternative. An alternative so refreshing, so out of the ordinary, so gloriously creative that you should not even contemplate it on a full stomach. You see, John Kerry needs your help.
The richest senator in the land is strapped for cash as he endeavors to celebrate, ...himself. Senator Kerry is hosting a little get together to celebrate 25 years in the Senate, and 45 years of public service. Acutely aware of appearances during this utopian recession, Kerry has decided that the commemoration will be an intimate affair, just a small gathering at a modest venue. Accordingly, he needs help with the expenses of renting the Boston Symphony on the evening of December 13th. The extravaganza will feature maestro Kieth Lockhart, singer James Taylor, and actor Ben Affleck. Unfortunately, many Democratic donors are a bit tapped out this holiday season, having poured enormous sums into losing campaigns across the country. Boston University Political Professor Thomas Whalen commented that, "The symbolism really works against him, which is typical of Kerry." Nonsense! That's where your help could make the difference.
I hear that even Sally Struthers is tuning up to stand in front of Kerry's mansion to solicit funds. For just a shovel full of Benjamins, you too can help commemorate decades of slander against our armed forces, decades of tactical and strategic ignorance in pursuit of geopolitical weakness, a political lifetime spent opposing virtually every weapons system, every political initiative, and every defensive system that defeated the Soviet Union and keeps Americans safe today. You can help celebrate a man of the people who laments the "know nothingism" of the tea party, and whose tributes to our armed forces included the reminder that if you don't study hard and do your homework, "...you get stuck in Iraq." After all, a guy who spent $7 million on a yacht but then parked the thing in another state to avoid $500,000 in taxes obviously needs our help.
So join in, won't you? Undermining the Republic is an expensive and thankless task. So pick up the phone. Be a part of history and this historic celebration. Call now. Operators are standing. Bye.
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Comments :
Oct '10
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
The thought of James Taylor "celebrating" John Kerry's career is nauseating. Is this the end result of the sixties? A self-absorbed evening gala on the deck of the imploding Titanic.
Sep '10
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
the imploding Titanic.
Because its been hit with a torpedo from the Yellow Submarine.
Jul '10
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
...or else little Nell will have no Kobe beef with arugula greens and balsamic reduction.
Brings tears to the eyes. :(
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
I would be prepared to contribute . . . if it were a retirement party.
Oct '10
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
Or he could downgrade to a 5 million dollar yacht, and have plenty for his self-admiration bash. And where is his loyal spouse? Surely she could put on a party for her heroic, if misunderstood, hubby.
May '10
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
The real expense probably lies in hiring guests who will pretend they care about Ben Affleck's politics and John Kerry's... anything.
Jul '10
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
I'll donate the Hunt's Ketchup.
May '10
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
Note to self
Dec. 13
Avoid Symphony Hall area
And to top it all off....a fawning press traffic jam.
May '10
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
Say what you will about Kerry, a man with a Yankee-Jewish-Catholic heritage combined with an Irish surname knows something about product positioning, at least in Massachusetts.
Jul '10
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
Just so that I am clear on this beforehand, I am such a yutz on this Miss Manners stuff, the event will not involve tar and feathers?
Oct '10
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
Every time I think Kerry's hit the epitome of stuffy arrogance and tone-deafness, he raises that bar further.
Soon, he's going to need an oxygen mask to get above it.
Sep '10
Re: This Christmas, Help A Liberal
To celebrate 45 years of living on the taxpayers dime, he wants to celebrate on your dime.