Things Saeed Jalili Will Enjoy About the Çırağan Palace
I just have to think that Iranian chief negotiator Saeed Jalili is enjoying the Çırağan Palace a lot, and could probably be persuaded to stay for years. Formerly the residence of the last Ottoman sultans, the Palace on the Bosphorus waterfront is really the kind of place you might want to relax and enjoy, rather than stressing about uranium enrichment.
Every member of the staff appears to have been bred or perhaps genetically modified for slavishness and an abiding devotion to the principle that the hotel’s guests are great and terrifying demi-gods. When they greet you in the elevator (by your title and last name, which they will remember), asking if there is anything they can do to make you more comfortable, they give the impression that all of human history has culminated in this, their moment of perfect fulfillment: A chance to make you happier. Of course, it costs money to buy this kind of love—35,000 Euros a night for the Grand Sultan’s suite, to be precise—but it’s reassuring to know that for the right price, love can indeed be bought.
How do I know this? I had an assignment once to review this hotel--one that sadly did not involve staying there. I took a tour with one of the women whose job it is to keep the guests' butts buttered in any flavor of butter they like. ("Certainly, sir, we'll have the ylang-ylang butt-butter hand-transported by caravan from Tibet immediately ... ") I spent several hours with her. Now, I've never really given much thought to the question, "What's really going on behind the scenes at one of the world's great luxury hotels," but it's very obvious, once you start asking, that it's an operation that requires a truly military amount of discipline. For example: Every time we passed a guest, this woman smiled as if never in her life had she been so shyly but profoundly delighted to see someone's face. It was totally convincing. If I hadn't seen her doing it to 50 guests, serially, I would have said that each and every one of them was a Nobel Laureate who happened to be her beloved elderly uncle, a man toward whom she felt an infinite secret tenderness even as she felt an awe of his authority and importance. She immediately addressed the guest by name. "Good morning, Mr. Wassenfeffer!" If he seemed in the mood, she would add, "How is your room? Is there anything we can do today to make you more comfortable?" She said this as if she really meant it, as if making Mr. Wassenfeffer more comfortable was the very reason she was put on this planet, as if all of human history had an inevitable trajectory, one meant by a supreme supernatural power to culminate in this, her moment of perfect fulfillment: A chance to make Mr. Wassenfeffer happier. Mr. Wassenfeffer inevitably beamed with delight and pride, clearly persuaded that this pretty, smartly-attired young woman remembered his name and wished with all her being better to butter his butt because he is the sort of man an attractive lady naturally would remember; a man who cuts a fine and impressive figure, a man of importance, not to mention a man possessed of a certain je ne sais quoi when it comes to the ladies.
Now, this hotel has more than 300 rooms, and this woman remembers the name of every single guest. Every one. How does she do that? Well, she told me, there's a Çırağan Palace system. First, the employees are instructed--it is a rule--to use the name, immediately, twice upon the in-room check-in. They are given training classes in which they are advised to make mnemonic devices of the guests' names. But there's a back-up, too: They carry a special program in their cellphones linking the names to the guests' room numbers and physical descriptions. So if caught in the lurch they quickly and discreetly tap the information into the phones, and voila -- "Good morning, Mr. Wassenfeffer, how are you?" I was very impressed by this. I was very impressed by about 100 other things she either told me or inadvertently gave away about how they make the place work the way it does.
By the way, if ever you plan to stay there, you want to stay in the old palace, not the modern annex. If owing to a temporary financial embarrassment you must stay in paupers’ quarters, ask for room 344: It has the best view and balcony. Another travel tip: Don’t hesitate to ask if you have unusual requests. They live to fulfill them. When last he visited, the president of Iran demanded that all women with uncovered heads be kept from his eyesight. Thus it was. Imagine what they could do if you asked for something that wasn’t an affront to civilized values, not to mention their nation’s dignity.
Mind you, I'd have some sympathy for this request in the case of Catherine Ashton.
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Re: Things Saeed Jalili Will Enjoy About the Çırağan Palace
I have never stayed there, but I do remember it as a wonderful place to go for breakfast. Wasn't it once used as a meeting place for the Ottoman Parliament?
Dec '10
Re: Things Saeed Jalili Will Enjoy About the Çırağan Palace
Some people just buy puppy-dogs.
Sep '10
Re: Things Saeed Jalili Will Enjoy About the Çırağan Palace
What's their policy on pets and have they had any big name fights at the Palace?
Sep '10
Re: Things Saeed Jalili Will Enjoy About the Çırağan Palace
Did you say Mr. Hassenpfeffer?
Sep '10
Re: Things Saeed Jalili Will Enjoy About the Çırağan Palace
I feel the same way when I visit the swankier hotels in Las Vegas.
Aug '10
Re: Things Saeed Jalili Will Enjoy About the Çırağan Palace