The Week in Review -- September 17
Troy Senik ·
September 17, 2011 at 10:06pm
- Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced that two American hikers would be released from a Tehran prison upon payment of $1 million. Foreign policy experts noted that this continues a long-standing pattern of Ahmadinejad’s negotiating tactics being inspired by Dr. Evil in the “Austin Powers” film series.
- Democrats lost a pair of special elections for the U.S. House of Representatives, including one in the New York district formerly represented by Congressman Anthony Weiner. Asked to comment about the upset, Weiner was quoted as saying “You’re not a cop, right? You’d have to tell me if you were a cop."
- Barack Obama’s 2012 reelection campaign launched a website entitled “Attack Watch,” where the president’s supporters could report scurrilous challenges to Obama’s record. Critics charged that the website was meant to intimidate Obama’s political foes, but the Administration responded that it was primarily intended to monitor things Hillary Clinton says around her office.
- Accusations continued to grow that the Obama Administration was derelict in providing more than $500 million in loan guarantees to Solyndra, a California-based solar power company that has filed for bankruptcy and laid off its workforce of over 1,000 individuals. An administration spokesperson hit back forcefully at the accusations, saying “Please, we don’t need to be corrupt to figure out how to blow half a billion dollars without getting anything in return.”
- An Amish man named Monroe Beachy came to be known as “The Amish Bernie Madoff” when he was arrested on allegations that he defrauded thousands of people out of $16.8 million in a Ponzi scheme that lasted over two decades. Once the news broke, the Obama Administration offered Beachy the position of Chief Actuary of the Social Security Administration. The offer was rescinded, however, when the White House learned that Beachy’s religious beliefs found him opposed to the use of electricity. At that point, he was offered the position of Secretary of Energy.
- The government of Australia announced that it would begin offering an “X” option on passports for “intersexed” individuals. Variety reported shortly thereafter that Hollywood studios had begun a bidding war for the sequel to “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.”
- First Lady Michelle Obama upped the ante in her quest to get Americans to eat healthier, joining the CEO of Darden Restaurants – the company that owns chains such as Red Lobster and the Olive Garden – to announce that the company’s restaurants intend to cut their calorie and sodium content by 20 percent in 10 years. Mrs. Obama stressed that the administration is also making other efforts to curb Americans' eating habits, foremost among them keeping the American people in grinding poverty well into the foreseeable future.
- Former Vice President Al Gore staged a 24-hour internet broadcast intended to convert global warming skeptics. The broadcast backfired, however, when many viewers began to report around hour 12 that they would gladly accept a 20-foot rise in sea levels if Gore would stop talking.
- Democratic strategist James Carville – the only man in American for whom Tourette’s Syndrome seems enjoyable – wrote in a column on CNN.com that “There were enough deaths at Stalingrad to make the entire tea party collectively orgasm.” Having heard the words “James Carville” and “collectively orgasm” in the same sentence, American demographers immediately revised their predictions for new births downward.
- NASA scientists announced that they have discovered a distant planet orbiting two suns, much like the planet Tatooine in the “Star Wars” series. Upon hearing the news, Mark Hamill immediately departed for the planet in search of work.
- The world prepared for a major push for Palestinian statehood at the United Nations later this month. Critics charged that the plan would be unsustainable and could ultimately lead to chaos. Having heard this analysis, officials from the Department of Energy immediately offered Palestinian officials more than $500 million in loan guarantees.
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Comments:
Jan '11
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Wait ... did Obama give a major speech this week? It's so hard to keep track of those things.
Jun '11
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Thank you for the laugh. Genuinely funny.
There is material in your post which I intend to lift and use. Please do not expect any credit.
Dec '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
"... when the White House learned that Beachy’s religious beliefs found him opposed to the use of electricity. At that point, he was offered the position of Secretary of Energy."
LOLOL!
Aug '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Does anyone else think that Ahmadinejad and Jake Gyllenhaal must have been separated at birth?
Aug '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
The craftsmanship in those Amish Ponzi Schemes really creates value. Lots of handmade work here , and without power !
Dec '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Troy Senik ·
New campaign ad: "Help fight childhood obesity. Obama 2012"
May '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Contrary to Michael Kelley, I posted the quote about Solyndra on Facebook, with a link to Ricochet- "Please, we don’t need to be corrupt to figure out how to blow half a billion dollars without getting anything in return.”
Jul '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Well done, Troy.
This is a must "Regular Feature." It's not as if You'll ever run out of material.
Jun '11
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Duane O., ach! You are so honest!
Jun '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Awesome. Every one of them. Can a contributor get "post of the week"?
Jul '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Yes, by posting it in the Member Feed.
Edited on September 18, 2011 at 3:18amRe: The Week in Review -- September 17
You write beautiful, serenely lucid prose and you're a comic master?
Dubya was lucky to have you, Troy. Leno or Letterman would have octupled your salary.
Apr '11
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Exceptional. Are you up to the task of making this a weekly post......?
Jul '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Jimmy Carter: Well done, Troy.
This is a must "Regular Feature." It's not as if You'll ever run out of material. · Sep 17 at 5:38pm
Second.
GreenCarder beat me to it.
Third.
Jun '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Jimmy Carter
Yes, by posting it in the Member Feed. · Sep 17 at 6:17pm
Edited on Sep 17 at 06:18 pm
Touche!
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Troy, superb! Laugh out loud wonderfully funny. Thank you!
Aug '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
If Michelle Obama wanted me to lose weight, she'd only have to force me to eat all my meals at the Olive Garden.
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
You're all very kind. And Peter, she's too humble to admit it but Meghan Clyne was actually the writer who produced the funniest line during my time in the White House. President Bush was hosting the New York Giants after their 2008 Super Bowl win. One of the teams that the Giants had defeated to get there was the president's own Dallas Cowboys; this during the era when quarterback Tony Romo was thought to be cursed with a terrible performance every time a certain pop star he was dating was in the stands. The President's line, right in the thick of election season: "We're going to send Jessica Simpson to the Democratic National Convention". It killed.
And yes, to all concerned, happy to make this a regular feature.
Edited on September 18, 2011 at 9:24amJul '10
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
Well done! If SNL had you writing their news desk stuff, people would watch.
Jan '11
Re: The Week in Review -- September 17
OK, these were too funny, I squired hot tea out my nose. For safety's sake, please post a humor warning.