The Week in Review -- October 1
Troy Senik ·
Oct 1, 2011 at 10:13pm
- In a bold step towards liberalization, Saudi Arabia’s King Abdullah announced that women in the kingdom will now have the right to vote for which official they’d prefer to sentence them to the lash for driving a car.
- It was announced last weekend that Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin will once again seek election to the presidency in 2012, though he has already been the de facto head of the Russian government for over a decade. Upon hearing the news, former President Bill Clinton hastily arranged a press conference to announce that the wrong side had won the Cold War.
- Lady Gaga reportedly attended a fundraising dinner with President Obama during his trip to Silicon Valley on Sunday. White House sources wouldn’t confirm whether the two had spoken, but guests at the dinner report that the president and the pop star were overheard discussing what to do when you realize your appeal can’t last through 2012.
- Amidst widespread speculation over whether he would run for president, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie gave a major speech at the Reagan Library on Tuesday. When asked whether the overflow crowd at the event was a sign of Republican desperation for a viable candidate, Christie was quoted as saying, “No … although I did think it was odd when they asked me to pull the sword out of that stone.”
- At a speech to the Congressional Black Caucus, President Obama accidentally said that he didn’t mind people calling him a class warrior just because he wanted a billionaire to pay the same tax rate as a Jew (he meant to say “a janitor”). Most observers forgave the remark as an innocent mistake, while the Rev. Jesse Jackson pronounced it “the greatest speech ever given by a sitting president.”
- On Wednesday, 26 states and the National Federation of Independent Businesses asked the U.S. Supreme Court to hand down a speedy decision on the constitutionality of Obamacare. The parties claimed that the stakes couldn’t be higher, noting, “This could be the last time that people in ill-fitting gowns ever get to make their own decisions about health care.”
- Andy Rooney announced that he would deliver his final commentary on “60 Minutes” during this Sunday’s episode. Rooney was quick to emphasize, however, that he is not fully retiring, but will instead return to the format in which he perfected his idiosyncratic style: hectoring people at bus stops.
- On Monday’s edition of the popular reality show “Dancing with the Stars”, television legal analyst Nancy Grace allegedly suffered a “wardrobe malfunction” on live television. In related news, the American Medical Association this week added “self-inflicted blindness” to its diagnosis list.
- Early in the week, it was revealed that one provision of the American Jobs Act allows the unemployed to sue for discrimination if they believe they are unjustly denied a job. Legal pundits speculated that the provision would be dropped, however, when the White House was abruptly served with 14 million judicial summons.
- On Tuesday, the criminal trial of Michael Jackson’s former medical doctor began in Los Angeles. The pop star’s plastic surgeon, however, remains at large.
- Nissan announced that it is developing a car that will have the capacity to read its driver’s mind and anticipate his decision-making. When the vehicle was demonstrated for President Obama, it immediately wrote itself a $50 billion check, locked the engine, and suggested he find a high-speed rail station nearby.
- Lawmakers in Mexico City announced that they are considering legislation for “temporary marriage licenses” – or, as Bill Clinton refers to them, “marriage licenses.”
- In a show of increased sensitivity towards misunderstood elements of Islam, American officials gave Anwar al-Awlaki, the Yemeni-American scholar who taught on the virtues of martyrdom, an unlimited research grant.
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Comments :
Dec '10
Re: The Week in Review -- October 1
Great stuff!
Nov '10
Re: The Week in Review -- October 1
Aug '10
Re: The Week in Review -- October 1
You know, it's only in the last couple weeks that I realized Troy's "week in review" posts were extremely funny riffing. Previous to that I assumed that they were actual news digests and so I never actually read them. Alas, to think of all that wit foregone.
Re: The Week in Review -- October 1
These are all great, but unfortunately the whole reading thing isn't "in" with the kids these days.
You should tell these jokes in front of a green screen, and then afterwords add in laugh tracks, a background, and a smooth jazz-y tune.
Mar '11
Re: The Week in Review -- October 1
In other news, Herman Cain won the historic first Ricochet straw poll, although there were cries of statistical flaws in his 999 plan, and the poll.
Mr Christie was still trying to decide whether to maybe run.
Edited on Oct 2, 2011 at 8:45amMar '11
Re: The Week in Review -- October 1
You could make real money on late night TV. Very funny!
Feb '11
Re: The Week in Review -- October 1
The Chris Christie comment is gold!
May '10
Re: The Week in Review -- October 1
Bill Clinton- the gift that will give forever. Multiple entries in each week's compilation, and the entire world still gets the jokes.
Bob Hope should have been so lucky with his sources of material as Troy is.....
Jul '10
Re: The Week in Review -- October 1
Holy cats, these are funny. More please!
Nov '10
Re: The Week in Review -- October 1
Apr '11
Re: The Week in Review -- October 1
Channeling Dave Barry and his legendary Year in Review columns. Awesome--love it.