The Week in Review -- November 6
Troy Senik ·
Nov 6, 2011 at 10:45pm
- The week was dominated by accusations that Herman Cain had sexually harassed two female employees while serving as president and CEO of the National Restaurant Association. A few days after the rumors surfaced, the Cain campaign accused Rick Perry’s camp of spreading the innuendo. The Perry campaign, in turn, blamed Mitt Romney’s team. Meanwhile, Gary Johnson not only claimed to have started the rumors, but to have been one of the women that Cain harassed. No one attended the press conference.
- At the New York City Offices of MF Global, it was announced that former New Jersey Senator and Governor Jon Corzine had successfully completed his entrance exam to serve as the Obama Administration’s next Secretary of the Treasury.
- One of President Obama’s top political strategists, David Axelrod, suggested to the press that the slogan for Obama’s 2012 reelection campaign should be “GM is alive and Bin Laden is dead.” Axelrod noted that the formulation had polled far better than alternatives such as “Hey, Remember Sarah Palin – What Was That All About?”; “Obama 2012 – MULLIGAN!”; “Give Me the Money and No One Gets Hurt”; and “Unemployment – the Ultimate Green Job.”
- After an unexpected visit by his parents, it was revealed that a Russian genius was living in a home populated by 26 female mummies. Russian officials were initially shocked, but the man was eventually released from police custody when it was discovered that he was simply a producer for “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.”
- At a speech in Washington on Wednesday, President Obama said, “I trust in God, but God wants to see us help ourselves by putting people back to work." Pressed on whether the president really believes he hears the voice of God, White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said, “You know, I can’t speak for the president, but the rest of the staff has realized it’s just a trick the Vice President plays with the air conditioning vents.”
- An Associated Press story from late in the week revealed that the CIA has teams dedicated to monitoring Facebook and Twitter. While some civil libertarians were disturbed by the revelations, national security experts largely defended the practice, noting, “There’s no better way to determine what vicious terrorists think of the new Pinkberry down the street.”
- In his new book, “Back to Work”, former President Bill Clinton criticized the Obama Administration for demonizing the success of Wall Street bankers. “The better approach,” Clinton wrote, “would have been to win Wall Street over through a steadily increasing charm offensive. And if that approach failed,” he continued, “you could always just buy them a copy of Leaves of Grass.”
- In a bold attempt to strengthen his foreign policy credentials and hold off threats from conservative challengers, presidential candidate Mitt Romney announced that Bain Capital has acquired the nation of Greece. Romney was non-committal on the country’s prospects for remaining in the European Union, but did promise “all you can eat feta Fridays.”
- House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi’s press secretary sent off an angry note to the Washington Examiner, which had speculated in print that the former house speaker may have had plastic surgery, writing, “you are a disgrace to journalism.” Congresswoman Pelosi was unable to comment directly on the allegations, as she is currently believed to be living in the home of a Russian genius.
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Comments :
Oct '10
Re: The Week in Review -- November 6
The Whitw House Press Secretary said we all know he can't speak for the President? Isn't that precisely what his job is?
Oct '10
Re: The Week in Review -- November 6
Ahhhh, how I wish I could write that creatively. Very nicely done - we need those insights to break up our otherwise scary days.
Aug '10
Re: The Week in Review -- November 6
Now THIS is the way I want to start my Monday morning...
Thanks for the laughs, Troy.
Jul '10
Re: The Week in Review -- November 6
I thought this was satire until the bit about Biden using the vents to talk to Obama. That seems completely plausible.
Jun '10
Re: The Week in Review -- November 6
Great weekly feature! Just sent the one about mummies/Housewives of Beverly Hills to my daughter in the hope I can shame her from watching that tripe.
Jun '10
Re: The Week in Review -- November 6
Kissinger tried it during the Nixon administration, but the president just couldn't buy in to deity speaking with a German accent.