Lawmakers in Washington averted the fiscal cliff at the last minute, when Vice President Joe Biden intervened to shepherd negotiations – which is a bit like an action movie where everyone looks doomed until Abe Vigoda sweeps in to save the day.
Police in Washington D.C. announced that they are investigating “Meet the Press” host David Gregory after he brandished an illegal gun magazine on an episode of the Sunday morning talk show. In response, a number of CNN hosts began firing off RPGs on air in a desperate attempt for someone, somewhere to pay attention to them.
The French Conseil Constitutionnel declared President Francois Hollande’s sweeping tax increases on the rich unconstitutional. While critics reveled in Hollande’s defeat, legal analysts noted that the ruling hinged on a technicality, with the Council calling for any future tax increases to abide by French tradition and place more emphasis on “existential angst, ennui, and cigarettes.”
Venezuelan officials announced that President Hugo Chavez is under close medical watch – and perhaps even facing death -- because of a “severe lung infection.” What followed was an unprecedented and touching display of support, with Venezuelans of all stripes publicly sending their well-wishes for the continued health of the virus.
In continued testimony to the ineffectiveness of California government, the Golden State rang in the new year by implementing over 800 new laws, none of which prohibited “Chelsea Lately” from being taped on its soil.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie launched a blistering attack on House Republicans for holding up an aid bill intended to help states affected by Hurricane Sandy because it contained excessive spending. Christie’s aides later had to apologize for the governor’s bombastic behavior, noting that it stemmed from a miscommunication. “We should’ve been clearer,” one aide said. “We simply told him that the GOP was holding up the release of pork. That’s when he lost it.”
Popular blogger Andrew Sullivan announced that he will be adopting a paid subscription model for readers going forward. The move is widely believed to provide further evidence of Sullivan’s shift to the left, as its success would provide decisive evidence of the irredeemable failure of capitalism.
In response to calls for his deportation, television talk show host Piers Morgan suggested that he may leave the U.S. voluntarily if the nation doesn’t tighten its gun laws. CNN executives could not be reached for comment, as they were all busy making donations to the National Rifle Association’s PAC.
An announcement from Kim Kardashian and Kanye West revealed that the makers of the the Mayan calendar had simply made a minor mathematical error.
Obama Administration officials disclosed that Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner is expected to leave his post in late January. Geithner will reportedly pursue opportunities in the private sector, which is generally interpreted to mean that he understands the need to leave office before casting is finished for the upcoming “Hobbit” sequels.
In an appearance on “The Tonight Show,” former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger told Jay Leno that, “Chris Christie does not have a weight problem. He has a water retention problem.” Asked to respond, Christie noted that Schwarzenegger has not had marital problems, just housekeeper retention problems.
Al Gore, hero of the left, made $70 million by selling an American company to an overseas media conglomerate that’s hostile to civil liberties and fed by oil money, all while trying to avoid tax liability. Inquiries to the Obama Administration as to whether Gore had been responsible for any of his employees’ wives dying of cancer had not been answered at press time.
The government of Argentina announced that it will distribute 82 million free condoms to its citizenry in 2013. Reports on the development have led to some confusion in the media, as this is now the second major public effort to be dubbed the “Clinton Global Initiative.”