The War on Friendship
Recently I watched a television show where we, the audience, were introduced to the mother of one of the main characters as well as to the mother’s friend and roommate, another woman. I was somewhat annoyed at myself for knowing that “friend” and “roommate” were code words for a sexual relationship, but sure enough, as the episode progressed, I was proven correct.
As I later reflected on this admittedly small part of the episode, I realized why it bothered me so much. It wasn’t merely because I disagreed with the type of relationship portrayed; I run into that on television all the time and it rarely causes me to spend any time thinking about it later. I think most of us at Ricochet could agree that we’ve hashed out the topics of gay marriage and same-sex relationships more than enough times. At this point, we each know where we stand and minds are unlikely to change, so I want to take this discussion in a different direction.
Last month tabula rasa wrote about the decline of “Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children.” I think that those are not the only types of relationships that have suffered in our current culture. There seems to be, dare I say it, a “war on friendship,” where every relationship is looked at with suspicion and/or the assumption that it is something it’s not -- to the point where just saying someone is a friend apparently indicates a lot more, as evidenced in the scene I recounted above.
Increasingly, we live in a society that sexualizes every relationship. Society seems no longer to remember that there can be any kind of bond, closeness, even love, without a sexual component—without, at the very least, a sexual attraction. Too often today, relationships between men, between women, between men and women, between children and adults, are all looked on with suspicion or assumed to be more than friendship.
Ricochet has a lot of readers, so think about some of the great friendships portrayed in literature or even history. (Tabula Rasa, feel free to throw out some examples for us.) Of course, many of those relationships have been reinterpreted by the Women & Gender Studies department at your local state university. Leaving that aside though, could friendships like those be written of today? Could the minds of people in today’s culture conceive of a deep loving friendship that didn’t involve sex? Has the culture at large forgotten that there is such a thing as friends without benefits?
Has anyone else noticed this trend? Am I the only one who thinks a war on friendship is an overlooked side effect of the culture wars?
- Comment (112)
- · Quote
- · UnfollowFollow (39)
Comments:
Feb '11
Re: The War on Friendship
I have certainly seen written pieces based on the notion that King David was homosexual, based on his relationship with Jonathan - which is completely [CoC].
This is exactly what you describe above - they cannot see it any other way anymore.
Dec '11
Re: The War on Friendship
I'm not old enough to say when this started to happen, but I have also noticed it.
I remember a story a few years ago where a married women, with children, divorced her husband to marry another guy. She didn't dislike her old husband, she just liked the new guy more. The way she talked about it implied she thought having a male friend was impossible: if you like someone, you have to marry them.
This sentiment is quite pervasive, and I think one would be hard pressed to find a story where a man and women were simply friends and never got together (if only temporarily).
Dec '12
Re: The War on Friendship
I am trying to think of TV shows or Movies in the last 10 years with a Man-Woman friendship and I can't think of one.
Feb '11
Re: The War on Friendship
When I speak of my friends, I often use the word "girlfriend," even though I am aware that many people will take the wrong meaning from it. I want to hold onto that word, though, and not let it disappear into meaning a woman with whom I have a sexual relationship.
May '10
Re: The War on Friendship
You're probably speaking of "Rizzoli and Isles." TNT has ruined more than a few of their shows this season with heavy handed politics. "Leverage" became unwatchable this year and I didn't mourn its passing. Two percent of the world is homosexual. It's probably 50% among tv characters.
Jan '12
Re: The War on Friendship
Yep, EJ, that was the show.
Jun '10
Re: The War on Friendship
I agree completely.
Some great friendships (and the modern analysis of them):
Frodo and Sam (it couldn't be a true friendship given that Sam worked for Frodo).
Jane and Lizzy (Pride and Prejudice) (it was infused with imperialist guilt, and they really hated Bingley and Darcy because of their masculine oppression).
John Ames and Reverend Boughton (Gilead) (the only way Congregationalist and Presbyterian ministers could like each other was through their mutual hatred of Catholics).
Bishop Latour and Father Vaillant (Death Comes for the Archbishop) (Vaillant secretly hated the bishop because of that old hierarchical thing--but they did enjoy oppressing Indians and Hispanics).
Aug '10
Re: The War on Friendship
I dunno if this is applicable, but...
While visiting my parents over Christmas, I snuggled up to my dad on the couch while watching tv, just like when I was a kid. It was dang comforting, and a great temporary reliever of stress from work, life, etc...
However, since I'm 37 and he's in his late 70s, I'm sure this would have looked mighty "odd" to most casual observers (sorta like this bit from The Simpsons).
Would the world think it's "ok" for a grown man to snuggle with his pa?
(I gotta say though, he ain't nearly as snuggly as he used to be. What with all the exercise he does to stay fit, he's gettin' mighty bony! ;-)
Edited on December 30, 2012 at 2:24amDec '10
Re: The War on Friendship
Wolf Larson and Hump. Yeah, I know it's Jack London, but, as a sixth grader, Jack London's life, as a 16 year old oyster pirate, living on his own sloop in San Francisco harbor seemed just about perfect.
Feb '11
Re: The War on Friendship
Israel P., and others -- have you read Joseph Heller's book God Knows?
It is written from the point of view of King David in old age. It is irreverent, funny, and very poignant. It is not orthodox -- I once had a (small) disagreement over King Saul with an orthodox mohel -- I was thinking of his depiction in the book, and he was thinking of the biblical Saul -- but in the book David talks about his friendship with Jonathan at length.
I recommend the book, unless a person is easily offended or a bit prudish.
Peace!
Mar '12
Re: The War on Friendship
You are very observant. There is a war on friendship, a war on children, a war on marriage, a war against men, a war against religious expression...
If divide and conquer is the right expression, it appears that we are being divided from one another in every possible way.
Mar '12
Re: The War on Friendship
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson. Although the most recent iteration of the story has Watson as a woman. No doubt the two will get "involved" eventually.
Oct '10
Re: The War on Friendship
Donald Todd: You are very observant. There is a war on friendship, a war on children, a war on marriage, a war against men, a war against religious expression...
If divide and conquer is the right expression, it appears that we are being divided from one another in every possible way. · 41 minutes ago
DT; You have provided the answer to the commentary. There is, indeed, a war to make everyone suspicious of our normal circle of relationship.
As a believer in God, I also believe in satan. He is the enemy of man, and he has a strategy which is willingly carried out by haters of God. We look in vain for a human conspiracy. It is the ruler of darkness aided by ignorant men.
Jul '11
Re: The War on Friendship
My best friend, and for a time my only friend, in high school asked me to stand as his best man in a Hawaii wedding a bit ago. There was never a question in my mind that I'd go. To your point, I was thinking of Captain Call taking his dead buddy, Captain McRae back thousands of miles, based on a promise. True love and nothing less. Maybe that's what is dying?
Aug '12
Re: The War on Friendship
I don't think there's a War On Friendship (or on Men, or on Marriage or on Religion). Just like I doubt that there is more sex, or even more homosexual sex than there used to be. (Ditto criminal sex with children. Is there really more than there used to be?)
What's happened is that society has become less constrained about recognising the sex that actually happens. (And in the case of criminal sex guarding against it - which is a good thing.)
There's a lag of course - hence the use of euphemisms like 'friend and room mate' or 'long time companion' to talk about sexual relationships that are same sex and/or outside marriage. That wouldn't be necessary if the television show felt that it would be more realistic to introduce the other woman as 'Mom's girlfriend' or 'Mom's wife'.
I would say that there is still a huge appreciation for (non-sexual) buddies in our lives - and that this is definitely reflected (and celebrated) in popular culture. Classic examples:
Will and Grace (Will and Grace)
Patsy and Edina (Ab Fab)
And more generally in many many science fiction books and shows.
??
Apr '12
Re: The War on Friendship
Denial of innocence, especially in the purest forms.
Look at any character that isn't worldly-- how often are they treated as anything but an idiot?
I favor the theory that it's related to abortion-- if you are going to cut off the bond between parents and their unborn child sufficiently to allow killing that child, rather brutally, it's going to leave a mark. Start by denying the father has any sort of involvement with their own flesh and blood, start acting like women are men, and deny that the unborn human is a human at all.... (Can backfire. Spectacularly.)
I don't know why everything's all hammered to fit into sex-- goodness, am I sick to death of it, it's like having a gigantic banquet that reaches to the rafters with variety...and insisting on only standing by the steak and smelling it.
Apr '12
Re: The War on Friendship
I know that the guys-can't-be-friends phenomena has a lot to do with female fans, although I don't know why-- if you've got good tolerance or some brain bleach, google "slash fan fic." Kirk and Spock, Bashir and Garak, Riker and Picard, Han and Chewie.... if there are two guys who have any kind of mutual respect, they've been written as a "couple."
Don't see it with female characters very often. Not sure if that's because there are more female fan fiction writers or what.
I've read some psychobabble that this is because of a hunger for "truly equal" relationships. (Which is odd, because it always involves one being at least emotionally submissive and the other not, so have a salt shaker.)
Nov '10
Re: The War on Friendship
Thanks for posting this, smp16. To the pure, all things are pure.
Apr '12
Re: The War on Friendship
Since topics keep jerking me back into a reading-Wright's-blog kick, I'll inflict something related to you:
a really long and kind of flowery post on how super-heroines can't beinnocent, they've got to be all pervy and rather creepy.
Nov '10
Re: The War on Friendship
Good quote from the essay Foxfier linked:
"Then I had a kid. Thanks to modern sonic photography, I saw my son Orville in my wife’s womb. He was still within the first trimester. He was playing with his toes."
---John C. Wright