The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
As we were driving over the Atchafalaya Basin in south Louisiana a few days ago, I tried my best to convey to my passenger some of the local flavor of bayou country. Some chicken and sausage gumbo in a bowl large enough to bathe a baby helped, as did some Cajun music from a local radio station. But nothing does the job quite like a few stories told in the right accent. That's where my old radio alter ego, Alphonse Fontenot, comes in handy. Besides which, we haven't heard from him in a spell, so I asked if he'd like to pass along his latest news to the erudite gathering here at Ricochet:
To My Frandly Ricoshoots,
Me I'm so sorry I ain't wrote to you since befo Chrissmas, but I been a priddy busy little guy since my mama, she got hurt. She was driving dat ugly car down in Laffayette, trying to get to Don's Seafood for some crawfish étouffée when she don't pay no tension and break two teeth when she run up on da mutual ground. Well, she got all nerval and nearly had a harp attack on da side of da road dere. But I've been staying wit her and she's feelin' mo betta.
Da weather been 'bout normal here. It only rained two times last week. One time for tree day and one time for four day. Da wind blow so hard dat one of da hens lay da same egg four times. It brought to da back of ma mind da time dat Uncle Poot Poot came in from a frog strangler of a storm to work at da distillery and loss his footing an slip in a vat of whiskey. He didn't seem too worried about it at da time ya know, and he was splashin' aroun singin' Jolie Blon. Some people jump in da vat to try an save him, but he fight dem off real brave. Dey finally trew him how you call a lifeline dere, but it was too late. He expire. Da family decided to have his body cremated. It took two or tree day to put dat fire out.
Meanwhile, I been trying to figure out da new washing machine I got for Chrissmas. It got two lid and one lever. I don't tink I like it much because I raise both lids and put in ma new shirt. Then I push da lever and das da last I see of dem shirt!
But da good news is we have a bran new married couple in da family. Das right, Tosclair and Marie finally quit shackin' up and decide to make marriage. Dey got married in da pries's rectum dere, and dey all fix up in dere new house. It's got dat nice new brick manure on da outside, and sheet rock da inside.
Well, it's time to bring a close to dis line. I got da shore troat, an I'm gonna go have some milk of gymnasium to see if dat make it all betta. I pray dat you all stay happy and healthy, and may God bless da hell outta you some mo.
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Comments:
Nov '11
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
Welcome back, Alphonse! You made me laugh so hard, I nearly fell out of my chair! :-)
Jun '10
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
Dave Carter: Da weather been 'bout normal here. It only rained two times last week. One time for tree day and one time for four day. Da wind blow so hard dat one of da hens lay da same egg four times.
Dey got married in da pries's rectum dere,
Please stop. My stomach hurts.
Ironically, I grew up in a rural area in south-central Utah, which is about as far removed as you can get from Cajun Louisiana. But I had a great-uncle who I can hear saying things about the weather very close to what Alphonse said. Only my uncle would randomly add f-bombs as new syllables to some of the words.
"prie's rectum". Sheer genius. That Alphonse is one smart fella.
Edited on May 13, 2012 at 8:30pmApr '12
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
Well, I got my exercise for the day, laughing like a fool. Best exercise there is.
Aug '11
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
Oh, Alphonse, I am howlin' me. I would give a lot for a giant bowl of Don's etouffee r'at now. And some crab claws.
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
"Da wind blow so hard dat one of da hens lay da same egg four times."
Tears running down my cheeks, Alphonse. Dat's how hard me I'm laffin'.
Sep '11
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
*fondly remembers Justin Wilson*
I'm a Louisiana boy, I love this stuff. Also reminds me of "A Confederacy of Dunces". If you know New Orleans, you know it's really nothing like Cajun country, but has it's own special, yet similar skew.
Sep '11
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
To fully appreciate it, you have to be familiar with the inflections within the language.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djzvwE_9Pj8
Oct '11
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
You got me, Dave Carter! When Alphonse read his Cajun Night before Christmas back in December, I thought that Alphonse was a real person.
Aug '10
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
Every time I hear (or eat) anything Cajun, I think: man, we are SO far ahead of the Russians.
Dec '10
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
Nice again to spy you, Alphonse.
For some, it may help to understand that a median can be quite expansive in New Orleans, complete with trees and benches; that's a Neutral Ground. We used those for staging waste, after Katrina, and my research indicates that the name comes from neighborhood boundaries between French and Spanish settlers.
Aug '11
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
My favorite cookbooks are my Justin Wilson and my Nippy Carville cookbooks. Re New Orleans, "How Ta Tawk Rite" is always fun: http://www.gumbopages.com/yatspeak.html
May '11
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
Dave Carter
Da family decided to have his body cremated. It took two or tree day to put dat fire out.
Perfect!
Jun '10
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
To Ricochet Management: Please make Alphonse a Contributor in his own right. I fear Dave may be holding him back.
Sep '11
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
The original Neutral Ground was the one on Canal Street. It separated the French Quarter from the American zone (now the CBD and Uptown). They did not like each other or get along and it was called the "neutral ground" because they agreed to not shoot each other there. Now the space between all divided roads in NOLA are called that. Under those neutral grounds are the ancient Archimedean screw-type water lifts that move the drain water to Lake Pontchartrain.
You will notice that once you cross Canal St, the street names change. Bourbon St. becomes Carondelet, Royale becomes St. Charles, N. Peters become Tchoupitoulas, etc.
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
If I can cut in on Alphonse's post for a second, I've heard differing descriptions of the neutral ground. Growing up in Baton Rouge, we called the little section of grass between the sidewalk and the street "neutral ground." I wasn't aware of the New Orleans history of the term. Very interesting.
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
Tabula rasa, make Alphonse a contributor? He's got ego issues already!
Sep '11
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
There's an even older use in Louisiana, which was for a strip of land between Spanish Texas and the newly purchased Louisiana territory. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neutral_Ground_(Louisiana)
I just started reading A Wilderness So Immense by John Kukla. It's a wonderful telling of the story of the Louisianan purchase. What a story! I never ever read History, but this is great.
~Jimm
Mar '11
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
Have mercy, I can practically taste the Gumbo.
Jun '10
Re: The Return of Alphonse Fontenot
You do know him better than me. But we'd like to hear a bit more from him. How about a post on the presidential election: he is aware of it, isn't he?