As we were driving over the Atchafalaya Basin in south Louisiana a few days ago, I tried my best to convey to my passenger some of the local flavor of bayou country. Some chicken and sausage gumbo in a bowl large enough to bathe a baby helped, as did some Cajun music from a local radio station. But nothing does the job quite like a few stories told in the right accent. That's where my old radio alter ego, Alphonse Fontenot, comes in handy. Besides which, we haven't heard from him in a spell, so I asked if he'd like to pass along his latest news to the erudite gathering here at Ricochet:
To My Frandly Ricoshoots,
Me I'm so sorry I ain't wrote to you since befo Chrissmas, but I been a priddy busy little guy since my mama, she got hurt. She was driving dat ugly car down in Laffayette, trying to get to Don's Seafood for some crawfish étouffée when she don't pay no tension and break two teeth when she run up on da mutual ground. Well, she got all nerval and nearly had a harp attack on da side of da road dere. But I've been staying wit her and she's feelin' mo betta.
Da weather been 'bout normal here. It only rained two times last week. One time for tree day and one time for four day. Da wind blow so hard dat one of da hens lay da same egg four times. It brought to da back of ma mind da time dat Uncle Poot Poot came in from a frog strangler of a storm to work at da distillery and loss his footing an slip in a vat of whiskey. He didn't seem too worried about it at da time ya know, and he was splashin' aroun singin' Jolie Blon. Some people jump in da vat to try an save him, but he fight dem off real brave. Dey finally trew him how you call a lifeline dere, but it was too late. He expire. Da family decided to have his body cremated. It took two or tree day to put dat fire out.
Meanwhile, I been trying to figure out da new washing machine I got for Chrissmas. It got two lid and one lever. I don't tink I like it much because I raise both lids and put in ma new shirt. Then I push da lever and das da last I see of dem shirt!
But da good news is we have a bran new married couple in da family. Das right, Tosclair and Marie finally quit shackin' up and decide to make marriage. Dey got married in da pries's rectum dere, and dey all fix up in dere new house. It's got dat nice new brick manure on da outside, and sheet rock da inside.
Well, it's time to bring a close to dis line. I got da shore troat, an I'm gonna go have some milk of gymnasium to see if dat make it all betta. I pray dat you all stay happy and healthy, and may God bless da hell outta you some mo.