The R Word
Frankly, I was just waiting for her to apologize. As celebrities go, Jennifer Aniston is one of the more polished. Surely she is surrounded by the best PR people that money can buy. I expected she’d ask for forgiveness, explaining she was jet-lagged, nervous, and momentarily insensitive. Then, maybe, she’d give a hefty donation to the National Down Syndrome Society or promise to appear at some fundraiser or benefit. But it doesn’t seem to be happening. Where’s the apology? I mean, even Rahm Emanuel apologized.
Jennifer Aniston compared herself to a "retard" on 'Regis & Kelly' Thursday morning ..."So you got to play dress up?" Regis asked of her Barbra Streisand-inspired shoot.
"Yeah, I got to play dress up," Jen said. "I do it for a living, like a retard."
Can someone explain why words beginning with “N”, “F”, “C”, and “S”—legitimately insulting to, respectively, African Americans, homosexuals, Chinese Americans, and Hispanics—have been (very appropriately) washed from our collective mouths, but the “R-word,” casually used to disparage people with intellectual disabilities, hasn’t been?
In too many places, people like me—people who are deeply offended by use of this word—are accused of lacking a sense of humor. If we’d just “lighten up,” the thinking goes, we wouldn’t get our knickers in such a twist.
Listen, no one likes to laugh more than I do. My husband is a very funny guy. Trust me, I have a sense of humor. My daughter with Down syndrome? A born comedian. But I find it hard to “lighten up” about certain things; rape, Holocaust victims, and disability fall into that category. (I know, I know. I’m such a drip).
In recent weeks, each of these has come up. The actress Kristen Stewart compared the attention of photographers along the red carpet at movie premieres to “rape.” Claire pointed out how certain Swedish mountain climbers are naming peaks after Third Reich horrors. And, now, Jennifer Aniston drops the “R” word to some laughs on Live with Regis and Kelly. I was equally offended by each of these, yet I don’t think I’m part of a group of “oversensitive PC thugs,” as I saw it labeled in a comment below a posted article in the Daily Mail.
If you have 10 minutes (and I understand if you don’t; I rarely do) please take the time to watch this speech by Soeren Palumbo, a young man, now a college student at the University of Notre Dame, who has something to say about this.
- Comment (48)
- · Quote
- · UnfollowFollow (2)
Comments:
May '10
Re: The R Word
You touched me again Ursula. My kids are going to sit down and watch this speech today. Thanks (again).
May '10
Re: The R Word
Yabbut, Ursula, you know that whatever word comes up is going to be used that way. It's happened several times over the last century. I don't like it, and sure your daughter is a wonderful person. But whoever uses the current word of the day in an insulting way is just a jerky jerk from jerkland, and nothing we can do about it.
May '10
Re: The R Word
Oh, I am so moved by that speech. I, too, will show it to my children. Shame on me for not realizing the depth of hurt that word causes. And shame on me for being complicit when another says it, whether through my silence or, chuckle. Never again. I understand your desire to protect and advocate for your daughter. My daughter is adopted and doesn't look like me because she is part Hispanic. I once had a very well-meaning woman bagging my groceries point at my daughter and blurt out "Oh, I remember her!! She's not really your child. She's adopted, right?" My child, who IS my child, was confused. She knows she's adopted, but that includes the reality that I am her mother! So, Ursula, these conversations you initiate help others, as well, because you are helping people remember that empathy is critical to being a good human being. Thank you. By the way, my aunt worked with children with Down Syndrome. They are the most beautiful and loving people and an inspiration for understanding unconditional love and kindness.
May '10
Re: The R Word
I know how you feel Ursula, I have had to put up with the cruel use of spastic as a term of derision; whilst having had a sister with cerebal palsy. My heart goes out to you and all your children who have to live with this sort of crap.
Jul '10
Re: The R Word
As one who has taught Special Education for more that 40 years I have distinct dislike for the word when it is used to diminish and devalue another person. However, I am also sick and tired of having words struck from the useable list by stupid rules applied by the PC Police. Branding a particular word as bad does not remove it or the intent of those who misuse it from the equation. All it does is give power to those who want to marginalize and demean speakers for their own reasons, note the recent controversy over Dr. Laura's using the "N" word to demonstrate the absurdity that allows one group the use of the word while making it nearly a capital crime for anyone else. In my career I have worked with Down Syndrome kids who were marvelous human beings, and kids with CP and other disorders that are sometimes labeled incorrectly as "retarded." I don't think banning the word is the way to deal with it. Education is always a better answer than censorship.
Re: The R Word
Thanks for your comment, Eugene. What I'm asking, though, is why is the "R" word *different from* the other words that we all seem fine with "banning" -- the N, F, C, and S words. Are you okay with those words, because, after all, they're just "words," too?
Re: The R Word
Andrea and Trace, thanks so much for planning to pass it on to your children. After all, they are the ones who will influence social speech when my daughter is older. Much and deep gratitude.
Re: The R Word
Thanks so much for commenting, David.
May '10
Re: The R Word
Keep in mind, I have Asperger Syndrome, so I'm a bit like Spock and often fail to understand forms of sympathy. But I agree with people who say words like that generally shouldn't be taken too seriously.
As Kennedy said, every word that means dumb is used playfully eventually. The taboo against "retarded" has only increased the number of terms, like "handicapped", that mean the same thing. In fact, according to Wikipedia:
This PC nonsense has only increased the ways in which dumb people can be mocked. That's not to say any use of the word should be shrugged off, but Aniston's joke is fine with me.
My family has more than a few people with mental disorders. Depression, schizophrenia and such are not a lot of fun, but we joke about "crazies". We laugh at our own maladies.
It seems reasonable to expect others to do the same. There are too many conditions to tip-toe around them all.
Aug '10
Re: The R Word
As one who has run out of patience with political correctness, there is only so far I'm willing to go in tiptoeing around those phrases the hypersensitive choose to find offensive. Upon exiting my home on an autumn morning, or discussing the vulnerabilities of a political candidate, I will not censor myself from referring to the "nip in the air" or the "chink in his armor"-- and despite the near hysteria of the linguistically impoverished, whose ignorance-fueled rants reflect their abysmal education, I will continue to employ the word "niggardly" in describing an effort, contribution, person, or thing that is inexcusably stingy or small.
Thus, while I agree that "retard"-- when used as a derogatory noun rather than a useful verb-- has no proper usage, I draw the line at those who demand banishment from the lexicon the legitimate description "mentally retarded". It's a plain statement of fact, and attempting to prettify the situation by referring to them as "challenged" sounds ludicrous-- are we now to refer to someone with an IQ of 50 as "horrifically challenged"?
Reality is not magically made better by a narrowing of the acceptable terminology, but language is steadily made poorer.
Edited on August 21, 2010 at 7:44pmRe: The R Word
Shoshanna: Thus, while I agree that "retard"-- when used as a derogatory noun rather than a useful verb-- has no proper usage, I draw the line at those who demand banishment from the lexicon of the legitimate description "mentally retarded" It's a plain statement of fact, and attempting to prettify the situation by referring to them as "challenged" sounds ludicrous-- are we now to refer to someone with an IQ of 50 as "horrifically challenged"?
Reality is not magically made better by a narrowing of the acceptable terminology, but language is steadily made poorer.
I think, Shoshanna, that we agree completely. For example, at Board of Education or official school meetings, I am comfortable discussing degrees of difficulty by using the terms "learning disabled" or "mentally retarded" etc. when assessing my own or other children (I was a teacher.) However, Aniston was not at a Board of Education meeting. Or talking about fire retardant pajamas, was she? She was, essentially, using it as an insult because only "retarded" people would dress up for a living. Finally, can you explain why everyone agrees not to use the other words I refer to, but why "retard" is different?
Re: The R Word
Maybe you can help me out, here, Aaron. Which terms *should* we tip-toe around and use carefully, and why?
And, I ask again, what makes the "R" word different -- less hurtful or more "okay" to use as a joke -- than the other words I refer to, those previously used to refer negatively to African Americans, homosexuals, Chinese Americans, and Latinos?
Re: The R Word
I cannot speak for Ursula, but I didn't hear her call for banning the word. I believe I heard her say that the world is already sufficiently unjust and cruel, can we not please at least be well-mannered? And it is not well-mannered publicly to mock the disabled. People with good manners do not swear on television, nor do they pick their noses, nor do they blaspheme, nor do they make sport of crips, gimps, spazzes, retards, or any other pejorative term for someone with a disability--not because this is an onerous speech code that caters to hypersensitive whims, but because it's rude and vulgar. I really cannot imagine Audrey Hepburn saying such a thing, can you?
Jul '10
Re: The R Word
Ursula, I think the difference in the perceived power of the particular words has to do with how they are applied. All of the other words are directed to racial groups or gays. These people are being placed into a particular pigeon-hole for no other reason than their color or sexual orientation. They are quite visible everywhere in our society. On the other hand, our society has done a pretty good job of hiding the disabled from general view, so for most part mentally disabled people or those who would commonly be classified as such by the general population are not much in evidence. For most part, people have very little experience with or knowledge of them, other than some vague idea which Aniston's comment really reflects. They don't know how mentally retarded or otherwise disabled people live, what they do, what capabilities they might have. Therefore, the stereotype reflected in that comment of Aniston's wouldn't exist and the usage of the word might be less if people were more aware. Even the president made a stupid comment about the Special Olympics. Therefore, it is more a sign of ignorance than real prejudice.
Jul '10
Re: The R Word
Ursula, does it make any difference that Aniston was using the word to deprecate herself? Isn't there at least some sort of qualitative difference between this sort of usage and someone who says, for example, "Look at that bunch of retards"? I guess you could say it's easy for someone to refer cavalierly to himself as a retard, secure in the knowledge that, in fact, he isn't. I get that. But I always think it's a shame for folks to become ostentatiously offended when clearly no offense was intended. All that ever seems to do is raise the temperature on all sides.
To answer your original question directly, though, I think what makes that word different from the others is that, as Aaron points out, it began as an alternative to other, far more derogatory words. Quite simply, it was used as a substitute for "slow". As far as I know, the other words are and have always been purely derogatory, with no legitimate usage ever intended.
Jul '10
Re: The R Word
Well said indeed.
Re: The R Word
Some great points, Eugene. I agree ignorance is the culprit. So then why not just apologize? I can totally understand a slip of the tongue and saying something stupid. I've done it loads of times myself. But then apologize and at least acknowledge that it was a brain freeze. By not apologizing, it seems to tell us that she's thinking, "Oh, what's the big deal?"
I might also point out that the racial groups and homosexuals who felt slighted or degraded by certain words joined together and spoke out against racism/homophobia. They worked hard for changes and got them. In general, the mentally handicapped cannot band together and demand respect in that way. It is up to family members and friends. And really, our time is often better spent enjoying the humanity of our children/siblings/friends than trying to convince people of the hypocrisy of honoring word limitations for race/sexual preference but *not* for the mentally or physically handicapped.
Jul '10
Re: The R Word
I agree she should apologize, but at the same time I have grown to expect less and less intelligence and class from actors. It is easy to mistake their own qualities for those of the characters they play. Being able to portray and intelligent, sensitive individual does not necessary require that you yourself have those characteristics as a part of your own personality. We have seen an incredible number of outrageously boorish behaviors from actors who played characters of great depth and understanding. Hell, look at how effectively Obama portrayed a competent, sensitive, concerned individual during the campaign. (Sorry, I couldn't resist.)
May '10
Re: The R Word
Ursula, there are very few words I consider totally off-limits. In my experience, the more people like each other, the more often and more brutally they tease each other. Just about any derogatory term is alright when said with obvious affection and understanding. One's presumption should always be that a person is using such words in this way, in absence of clear evidence to the contrary.
Chris Rock has a great sketch called "Black People vs Niggas". The audiences are usually black and they laugh heartily, because they understand the word is used with affection to tease about certain elements in American black culture and common occurrences in black neighborhoods. All of my black friends growing up used the word occasionally, as I recall, with no offense. I would expect prudence around blacks who experienced segregation only because it was never a joke in their era.
I have an in-law with Angelman Syndrome. Like with Down's Syndrome, the girl is immature for her age but delightful. She will likely die at a young age. That does not prevent even her closest relatives from faking a "retard" voice during games of Mad Gab and laughing hysterically.
May '10
Re: The R Word
I would object to terms like "wetbacks". I cannot find a reasonable source of humor in the word, which describes an objectively sad occurrence. But my mexican friends have no problem with good jokes, like this shirt of mine.
Honestly, Ursula, I don't deny that there's some validity to your concern. I just can't define a universal rule for what's acceptable and what's not to a point of comfort. In general, I prefer to err on the side of freedom, to expect people to be patient and resilient. But I understand that a person with limited cognition cannot cope with such things as well as others, so perhaps jokes like Aniston's are exceptionally misguided.