The Politics of Child Raising
This is the season when we get to spend more time with other people's children. What fun!
It is the easiest thing in the world to kibbitz about the parenting skills of others. But there is something to it: parents recognize when other people's kids are spoiled. It is much harder to achieve the same distance when assessing our own parenting. And yet, we should if we can: some of the best parenting advice I ever received was to "raise your kids like they are someone else's". How true. We all know how others are doing it wrong. But can we apply that same ready wisdom to ourselves?
Ricochet,of course, is a political site first and foremost. And so I wish to make a political point: When it comes to parenting, even conservatives parent like liberals. Think about it:
- Parents make up all kinds of "feel-good" rules, and then are surprised when we discover the inevitable unintended consequences. Repeatedly.
- We reward the "squeaky wheel" - the kid who complains the loudest, whatever the justness of their cause. We coddle those who most need tough love.
- We react only to what we see - when one kid is crying, we (often wrongly) assume the one who is not must be the aggressor. That's how we know business is evil.
- We think we know what is really going on. But of course, parents are often the last to know. We therefore end up training the welfare class to excel at manipulating the system.
- When someone is complaining, we think it is good parenting (governance) to do something, anything! Congress MUST ACT!
- We don't understand that children are not stupid: they are far more aware of how to manipulate the system then the central planners realize.
- We romanticize the underclass, considering them to be angelic and innocent victims. It is all for the sake of the children!
- And most importantly: we think we are doing something good when we are involved in every aspect of our children's lives - when in fact, the goal of parenting (as with government) is to set up a lawful and transparent system, and then get out of their lives as thoroughly as possible.
I'll wager that most Ricocheteers parent like liberals - and so your instinct upon reading this will be to argue that while the above list is largely accurate, spoiling children is the right and proper way to show love...
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May '10
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
Actually I am quite different from most other parents I know. One of my favorite things I've said (over and over) is, "Well, I wasn't there and didn't see what happened, so you are going to have to work it out yourselves." I say "no" a lot. If I make a threat I keep it ("if you do that again I will have to spank you"). There's also, "we are a family, and sometimes you do things you don't want to do because you are a member of the family." My daughter, consequently, was ready to go early, and asked to go to boarding school for high school.
What about the rest of you Rico-parents? Tips and tricks?
May '10
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
Well, I'll see your liberal parenting accusation and raise you a, "Nuh uh!"
Point one: My kids can attest that the rules their parents come up with are rather a hindrance to their pursuit of hedonism. "Whadayamean we have to do everything on the chore list or we won't get our full allowance!" I've lost track of the times I've heard the terms, "You're mean! But So-and-so's parents let them!"
2: The loud one is usually sent to his room until we can clear the air of the screams
3: At said noisy conflict, it becomes Nuremburg 2.
4: See #3
5: When someone is complaining due to disagreement over a parental edict, said complainer keeps getting goodies taken away until they're silent. If the complaint is against a sibling, we go after the offending sibling after going through Point 3 making the offender give something up to the victim. It makes them re-think offending so soon in the future.
6: Oh, my children aren't stupid. One in particular is a ninja in training. He's wiley and sneaky and beyond intelligent. I feel exhausted after a couple of hours with him. He keeps looking for my weak spots.
7: Nononononono, the children need to be put in tight boundary boxes until they've earned our trust and have shown they can handle an expansion to the boundary boxes.
8: Ech! I don't want to be involved in every aspect of my kids' lives. I've got 3 of them! That's too much work! Although, I must differentiate between being involved and keeping my hidden bugs in good working order. Their father and I need to be at least 3 steps ahead of their plots.
Okay, maybe I'm not that bad. But... well... I am a little...
Edited on Dec 25, 2011 at 4:52pmMar '11
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
FeliciaB:
5: If the complaint is against a sibling, we go after the offending sibling after going through Point 3 making the offender give something up to the victim. It makes them re-think offending so soon in the future.
hmm... interesting game theory there.
We tend to punish *both* kids anytime they bring something to us. Makes 'em find their own solutions.
We also deal with door slamming - one slam, and the door comes off the hinges for a week. Only had to do that with one kid once. None of the others have ever tried it.
May '10
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
I like the sound of that!
Nov '10
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
I don't automatically equate good parenting with conservatism. Or even being a good person, for that matter. Being a good parent takes more than leaning right and loving your neighbor.
Just as there are plenty of good people who are lousy parents, so to are there any number of conservatives who really shouldn't be producing offspring.
My wife and I attended a parent "training" series called Love and Logic, a wonderful program designed to help parents raise children who were "pleasant to be around". We were the only couple proactively doing so on the front end of the child raising journey. Everyone else was in reactive mode, trying valiantly to get back in front of the experience. We listened to their stories in horror, feeling terrible for the situations these fellow parents found themselves in and sad for their children, who whose actions reflected the parenting shortcuts, mistakes and missed opportunities that had come to define their lives.. This took place in Williamson County, TX, as conservative a community as one could find. And to a one, you might never find a nicer crowd of folks.
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
I do think that my husband and I parent in line with our politics -- most importantly we emphasize personal responsibility, self-regulation and clear/consistent rules. But there's a lot to parenting that I hope goes across political lines -- we try to teach and demonstrate contrition and forgiveness where prudent, for instance.
May '10
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
I read the book that goes with that series when we were preparing to become parents. It's a good one! However, for some reason, the book that dramatically transformed my concept of parenting was Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. And like you and your wife, I believe in doing a lot of work on the front end to make life easier on the back end (Well... literally and figuratively). Boundaries with Kids helped me understand that my primary responsibility other than loving the squishies out of my kids is to teach them how to become adults, the best adults this world has ever seen.
Aug '10
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
iWc
FeliciaB:
5: If the complaint is against a sibling, we go after the offending sibling after going through Point 3 making the offender give something up to the victim. It makes them re-think offending so soon in the future.
hmm... interesting game theory there.
We tend to punish *both* kids anytime they bring something to us. Makes 'em find their own solutions.
Hmm... interesting game theory there, as well.
That wasn't what our parents did, but it was the tactic teachers often used. And the bullies -- who were more used to punishments, anyhow, and tended to mind them a whole lot less than their victims -- were happy to bring disputes to the teachers, knowing the victims would be punished along with them. In fact, that was their strategy. What's one little detention to me if I get the satisfaction of making another child who's not used to it suffer punishment? All I do is provoke until the victim reacts, complain about the reaction, then get the pleasure of watching the teacher punish the victim as well.
Maybe inside the bonds of family, the incentives are different. At least, I hope they are.
Aug '10
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
All I do is provoke until the victim reacts, complain about the reaction, then get the pleasure of watching the teacher punish the victim as well.
BTW, I'm not necessarily talking about mild provocation here, either, the sort than any child must learn to be able to brush off. The provocation the bullies used in their strategy could include physical violence and sexual harassment as well. And in those circumstances, how is the bullies' target not supposed to react?
I don't see how one child grabbing another child's budding boobs as a means of taunting her is a situation where the two children can be rightfully expected to find their own solution, or a situation where it is just to punish the two children equally.
Mar '11
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
iWc
We tend to punish *both* kids anytime they bring something to us. Makes 'em find their own solutions.
What's one little detention to me if I get the satisfaction of making another child who's not used to it suffer punishment? All I do is provoke until the victim reacts, complain about the reaction, then get the pleasure of watching the teacher punish the victim as well.
This government is not in the business of picking winners and losers. Every kid in a home environment has a myriad of tools at their fingertips to avoid someone else OR drive them bat-guano crazy. Plus, we home school, which means kids have a lot more time with each other and with themselves.
Here is an example: Kid A is small. He comes to us a lot, crying.
Kid B is big. He has bullying tendencies.
It turns out that Kid A is addicted to the thrill of being chased, and secretly keeps hoping he'll somehow triumph. Kid A prods Kid B until A gets squished in return. If they come to us, they both get swats, because they both have learning to do.
Mar '11
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
BTW, I'm not necessarily talking about mild provocation here, either, the sort than any child must learn to be able to brush off. The provocation the bullies used in their strategy could include physical violence and sexual harassment as well. And in those circumstances, how is the bullies' target not supposed to react?
Oh, in my home it usually *is* physical. I strongly prefer physical to mental/emotional abuse. Physical is not personal in the same way. We don't have time outs, or detentions, or silent treatments.
But you make my point. Sometimes the real bully is the one who comes crying. Because even small kids will "have a go" at a larger target who just wants to be left alone.
They have to sort it out themselves. Parents, like governments, do not have the wisdom of Solomon. And since everyone has to sleep sometimes, kids find a way of evening the score without fail.
Mar '11
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
As I wrote the originaly post, I was thinking that most of the adults we like have the most unpleasant children. Nice people tend to make lousy parents.
And parenting nicely is all such hard work! I have 6 at home, and it is a pleasure to be with them - because, as they will tell you in an instant, they have a fascist father.
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
Around here, child-rearing consists basically of letting them run amok until the age of eighteen, when they're flung into the army en masse. As an American, I've always found the prevailing chaos mode (and sheer decibel level) of groups of Israeli kids to be pretty hard to take, but have also long suspected that they're given a behavioral pass since the grownups know what the kids are going to be asked to do soon enough.
The behavioral differences between small children/middle schoolers in Israel and kids approaching enlistment is striking enough (the prospect of the army is both sobering and exciting), but the difference between the kids before they enter the army and after they begin it is breathtaking. Note that this change occurs not after they complete the army, but when they begin it, and deepens throughout their service. That's because it's not a case of their personalities being transformed by the experience, but a case of the best of their personalities being identified and allowed to flourish. I think there's got to be something in there we can learn about how to bring out the best in younger kids too.
Mar '11
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
To every parent who uses the word "victim": listen to yourself! How do you really know which is the victim? Is there nothing a child can do to another that might earn a nasty backlash (like grabbing boobs)? A kid usually has to be pretty provoked before they'll do something so awful in retaliation. We don't know who the victims are. Like government, we have to admit the limits of our knowledge about the invisible hand. Not that there should not be rules to limit escalation! But it should be understood that the rules are for the sake of the rule of law, not the "victim".
Mar '11
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
I find Israeli kids the absolute worst. I don't know why parents subject themselves to it.
When people parent like liberals, the cost to the parents is so high that we are discouraged from wanting more - and voila! A Steynian decline in population.
My kids are net *assets* in the home, which means they do a lot of work, and are a pleasure to be around. Consequently, I'd be delighted to have as many more as G-d allows.
May '10
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
The "theme" of good government is justice. The theme of family life is love. There are limits to the analogies between the two.
Nov '10
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
Double Post
Edited on Dec 26, 2011 at 7:32amNov '10
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
FeliciaB
...the book that dramatically transformed my concept of parenting was Boundaries with Kids.
Thanks, I look forward to checking it out. By the name, I would assume it cautions against the desire to be your kids' friend. That seems to be an approach parents choose with the best intentions, not realizing how bad the results can be long term. I can imagine the parenting experiences they are trying not to repeat when doing so. Good intentions don't keep it producing bad results.
Quick success story of my wife from last night. Xmas dinner with my family...my three year old lets us know she was no longer hungry. She still had some to go before she finished what we considered to be enough to warrant her having desert later, and told her so. She understands the routine and made her decision. It was just a bit of quesadilla we had set aside for her to finish, and it was really more the principle. When it was time for desert, Anne invited her to finish her meal so she join her cousin eating a bit of cake.
"No thanks, Mommy. I'm still not hungry."
Couldn't be prouder.
May '11
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
I think these bullet points are more revealing of your parenting than they are an analogy for political philosophy.
Sep '10
Re: The Politics of Child Raising
I generally agree with your points and I'd like to add my own cardinal rule.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
One of the most powerful things children learn is language. We adults have been around language for a long time and have accepted various corruptions and loopholes. Children take words at their literal meaning. This is where the "liberal" parent falters badly. If a child has corrupted language foisted upon them at an early age, he/she will never respect language as a tool to represent reality and will rely on language to distort reality. In other words, children will not learn to respect "the truth" or even accept there may be such a thing, and they instead will learn to manipulate themselves and others with words.
As a parent, if you abuse language your children will lose respect for you and for what you say.