The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
We live in a time in which our guards are up. Pedophilia is a horrible crime in which an adult preys on innocent children -- often the children, grandchildren, or other relatives of the perpetrator. There's a reason other criminals look at them with disdain.
I have five children and eight grandchildren. My children are grown (and thus no longer the target of the pedophile). My biggest fears for them are the depredations of all-powerful nanny state. But I worry about someone preying on my grandchildren. In fact, I am so conscious of this problem that I avoid any kind of situation in which my own relations with my grandchildren could be misinterpreted. I suppose all of that is a good thing.
But I believe we've lost something. Let me give you an example from when I was a kid. I grew up in the smallest of small towns. Our next-door neighbors were an older couple whose children were long gone. I suppose they were in their sixties when I was born (I always thought they must have been in their eighties). My parents loved them and they loved my parents. They babysat me more than once. They weren't actually relatives, but I called him Uncle Bill and her Aunt Mandy. They both loved me, but especially Uncle Bill--it dates me, but I was always known to him as "Sheriff Crockett." Two or three times a week, Uncle Bill would walk in (no knocking was required) while we ate breakfast. He'd sit at the table and mostly talk to me. As I grew older, he would take me fishing. I loved him dearly, and his sudden death from a heart attack when I was in my early teens was the saddest blow of my childhood. It was a pure relationship between an old man and a young boy.
I was reminded of this last night as I read Ian Ker's magnificent biography of G. K. Chesterton. Chesterton and his wife Frances could not have children, but they treated kids with love and respect. When parents would visit the Chestertons and bring their children along, Chesterton spent most of his time in conversation with the kids. He didn't talk down to them, but was genuinely interested in what they had to say.
In the late 1920s, Chesterton (then in his mid-fifties) and Frances went to Rome. At the hotel, they became friends with an English couple traveling with their three small children. Chesterton and Frances invited the kids to visit them. Ker writes:
"When their parents came to collect them, they found Chesterton 'tilted back in a chair, with a large white towel tucked under his collar, being lathered and shaved with a pretended razor by the four-year-old visitor.'"
Now that's my kind of man. Ker documents other incidents that demonstrate Chesterton's and Frances's love for children. By all accounts, Chesterton treated them the way my Uncle Bill treated me.
Two other stories describe pure love and affection between old and young.
We talk a lot here about P. G. Wodehouse (it's either me or Severely Ltd who usually raise the subject). One of Wodehouse's Blandings Castle stories is entitled "Lord Emsworth and the Girl Friend." Lord Emsworth is the absent-minded proprietor of Emsworth Castle, which holds an annual "school treat" (think "school carnival") for the local school on the castle grounds. Lord Emsworth hates the school treat because his imperious sister, Constance Keeble, makes him wear a stiff collar and a top hat, despite the warm weather.
On a visit to the village on the day of the school treat to judge flower displays, Emsworth is frightened by a large dog, but is rescued by a small girl named Gladys. They chat and become friends, especially when she reveals that, having been spotted picking flowers in the Castle grounds, she hit Angus McAllister (Lord Emsworth's Scottish gardener) on the shin with a stone to stop him chasing her. Because McAllister always disagrees with whatever Lord Emsworth wants to do, Gladys assumes the status of heroine in Emsworth's eyes.
At the treat, Emsworth flees the tea tent, taking refuge in an old shed. There he finds Gladys, miserable; she has been put there by Constance, for stealing from the tea tent, but Emsworth soon finds she was only getting her own tea, which she was going to give to her young brother Ern, who had previously been barred from the treat for biting Constance on the leg.
Delighted by this, Emsworth takes Gladys into the house, and has Beach the butler provide a hearty tea for him and Gladys. Beach also provides a feast to take back to Ern, and Gladys requests some flowers too. Emsworth hesitates, but cannot refuse her; as she is picking her flowers, McAllister rushes up in a fury, but his master, encouraged by Gladys' hand in his, stands up to the man, putting him in his place.
Constance approaches, demanding Emsworth return to make a speech in the tea tent; he refuses, saying he's going to put on some comfortable clothes and go visit Ern.
The dialogue between Emsworth and Gladys is funny and deeply touching. It's my favorite short story by Wodehouse.
The other story was written by Frank Sullivan, a long-time writer for the New Yorker.
Sullivan, a life-long bachelor, spent much of life in Saratoga in the house in which he grew up.
One of my favorite Sullivan stories, entitled "Letter to a Neighbor" (I think it's fiction based on fact), is in the form of a letter written by Sullivan to Butch, a five-year-old neighbor boy. In it, Frank reflects on their friendship and how much it means to him. He describes their meeting, when Butch pulled a fake gun on Frank and pretended to rob him, the regular sessions in which Butch asks endless questions, and gardening:
"You have transformed gardening from the sedative chore of a middle-aged gaffer into an adventure fraught with the unpredictable. Every blossom in the garden, every blade on the sward, trembles when you gallop into view, joyfully crying that you have come to help me weed. And every weed rejoices."
The story ends with Frank describing a day in which Butch was into everything in Frank's home. Frank goes into another room and after ten minutes of silence, goes in to make sure Butch isn't burning the house down:
"You were fast asleep in the big armchair. The recent dynamo was just a tired little boy, worn out by the arduous duties of running the neighborhood and seeing to it that no dull moments crept therein. You looked so small and so innocent, curled up in the armchair, that an odd emotion came over me.
Can it be that you have made me discontented with my status in life? Before I me you, I was a contented bachelor."
You can find this story in a Dover edition entitled Frank Sullivan at His Best (it's also available on Kindle).
---
Jump forward to today. Would we look on Uncle Bill, Chesterton, Lord Emsworth, or Sullivan with suspicion? Probably we would.
I'm not even sure I have a point, other that to say that, while we must protect our children from predators, we must also find ways for them to develop pure, loving relationships with older folks. It's good for the kids, but old people like me need an occasional dose of the undiluted love that only a child can give us.
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Comments:
Sep '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
They prey on children with univolved parents (which are depressingly prevalent). Here is a very sickening case that recently came to light in Racine, Wisconsin.
I know it is harsh to judge the parents, but how can anyone leave their kids with an objectively creepy looking man that volunteers to babysit the kids of strangers he meets at community college?
May '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Generally on board with the comments here.
On the one hand, the new climate of suspicion is terrible. On the other hand, it's good that the problem is now out in the open, so that both adults and children are more alert to the danger.
I agree, too, that pedophilia has always been around. But I'm not convinced that it's not worse and more common now, thanks especially to the pop culture sexualization of children and internet porn.
May '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
The actor Alec Guinness tells a touching story about his conversion to Catholicism. He was playing a priest in a movie being filmed in Italy. On a short break, he walked into the village without changing out of costume. As he walked, a young boy called out happily, "Padre, padre!", ran up to him, took his hand trustingly and chatted merrily with him as they walked along.
Guinness was so impressed with the implicit trust and confidence that this little boy had expressed toward him, thinking he was a priest, that it made him think there must be something true and sacred in the Catholic priesthood.
Of course this could never happen today. Alas.
Apr '12
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
katievs:
I agree, too, that pedophilia has always been around. But I'm not convinced that it's not worse and more common now, thanks especially to the pop culture sexualization of children and internet porn. · 21 minutes ago
It's easier to get away with; molesters are generally known to the children they target, but think about how many people that includes-- friends and "friends" of parents, teachers at their school, afterschool care workers, and friends of kids' friends parents. The number explodes pretty dang quickly, especially if they're aiming for 13 year old girls or similar. (Is there anything easier to scam than a young girl who thinks she's loved by the scammer?)
Oct '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Angmoh Gao
flownover: Where did this suspicion come from ?
Anyone have an opinion of the distasteful side of this otherwise wonderful post ?
I am very sorry to sound a bum note since I am very much against the effects of prohibitive, preemptive, overreaction. However I think that we should not ignore the possibility that the crimes obliquely alluded to here have been more prevalent than society has been willing to admit. Increasingly and depressingly we are exposed to evidence of this. It is therefore perhaps appropriate to take an informed, rather than an hysterical approach.
What is correctly to be despised is the hysteria that prevents our children from properly benefiting from contact with adults and especially those from the wiser, older strata. But we must beware the evil that is out there. · 15 hours ago
This is very true and really points to the tragic element that Tab points to. It is an old problem that has worsened--I am convinced--by the modern rejection of any basis for ethics. No doubt there are NAMBLA members that see themselves as brave pioneers in the war against sexual repression, yet another group whose civil rights are being trampled.
Jul '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Tabula, thank you for this post. It brought to mind my first friends. When I was a small child, my next door neighbors were an elderly couple who had no grandchildren, so I and my brother became something of surrogate grandchildren to them. Mr Evans handcrafted zithers and dulcimers as a hobby and was the first person I knew who owned a computer. He encouraged me at an early age to learn some basic programming. He and his wife were very special to my family, and we went back to visit them a number of times after we had moved away until they passed on. Their emphasis on learning and intellectual curiosity were positive influences on me, and I'm saddened to think there is potentially less of this in the world now. It's these kinds of positive interactions that strengthen the social cohesion of our society and pass our cultural values on from one generation to the next.
Aug '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Not to go all contrary, but I think we worry far, far more than is necessary. Pretty sure statistics bear out that these sorts of crimes are on the decrease. Also, where they occur they are almost entirely involving a family member or very close friend of the family. The random stranger in a van is almost mythological. Not to say that it doesn't happen, but it doesn't happen anywhere near enough to account for the worry people have.
Someone calculated the odds of having the random stranger abduct your child and detemined that on average you'd have to leave your child alone on the corner for something like 70,000 years before there was an abduction.
Yes, teach your children to be safe, but RELAX a little bit. Our 24/7 news cycle requires that every aberrant incident be shouted from the mountain tops. Understand that they are still incredibly rare, and that our news media are simply fearmongers, and they will manipulate you into curtailing your own freedom for illusory safety.
Aug '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Obligatory link to Free Range Kids.
One of the recurring topics is how men are treated as predators by default, and it's guilty until proven innocent -- and even then, innocence is suspect. As a man who didn't have children until his late 30s, I felt like I needed to stay away from children just to be on the safe side. I didn't feel safe around kids until I had kids of my own. At that point, it seemed, I was magically granted some sort of reprieve from society's suspicion.
Anyone else ever have to remove a screaming child in mid-meltdown from a store and assume everyone thinks you're abducting a kid?
Feb '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Reason did an interview with Lenore Skenazy of Free Range Kids recently which I found interesting.
Mar '12
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
When I was growing up (think 50s, 60s) I had never heard of this, let alone experienced it. It was not part of my lexicon, let alone my make-up. I wouldn't have thought of it, and did not think of it.
We do get older and we do learn about things that should happen to no one, let alone children.
My kids had grandparents who were trustworthy, relatives who were trustworthy, some close friends and we all trusted our kids with one another.
Now it is the psychic equivalent of chalk on a blackboard thinking about who might be trusted. My kids are grown up. My grandchildren run the gamut of those about to graduate from high school down to 10 months old.
I don't know how to protect them, and given my distance, both as a grandparent and physically, there is probably not much I can do.
There was an old saying attributed to Texas: some people are only fit to be killed. That surmise fits my impression of child molesters.
May '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
I was just organizing my library... I keep all of my Chesterton and Wodehouse together on the shelf and they take up quite a bit of space. Every time I enter a bookstore, I try to find a book by either of those two that I don't already have - quite a while ago, I ran out of any Chesterton that you could expect to see in a store, and now I special order them. I have just been reading through "The Poet and the Lunatics," and have really been enjoying it. Funny how great some of the books are that aren't deemed "shelf-worthy" at most bookstores.
Keep posting, Tab - I hope people follow your reading advice!
Oh, and on the actual topic, I agree. :) I absolutely love children, but especially in my business, am always a little careful simply because of those perceptions. It is really sad, but I also think it comes with (I know this will sound cliche) the breakdown of the family and of a society that finds morality offensive unless it is hidden. We breed a lack of trust, now, and it is sad.
Nov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Mendel
I understood Angmoh's comment the other way around - namely, that child predation has been a problem for eons, we are just more aware of it today.
I would tend to favor that view. Whenever I hear talk of how much less sinful society was "back then", I wonder how much of that was simply because people swept bad behavior under the rug more often "back then." · 16 hours ago
Er, yes; I read "have been" as "have become".
Still, it seems like a question that can never really be settled.
Did people hear about it less, because sexual matters were not discussed? Or because sexual matters have been pushed out into the open, has it in fact become more common?
I'd suspect some of both -- obviously cases are more likely to be reported, and we hear about those on the other side of the country. But it would hardly be surprising if a general breakdown in moral standards was accompanied by an increase in the worst violations.
Dec '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
DrewInWisconsin: Obligatory link to Free Range Kids.
One of the recurring topics is how men are treated as predators by default, and it's guilty until proven innocent -- and even then, innocence is suspect. As a man who didn't have children until his late 30s, I felt like I needed to stay away from children just to be on the safe side. I didn't feel safe around kids until I had kids of my own. At that point, it seemed, I was magically granted some sort of reprieve from society's suspicion.
Anyone else ever have to remove a screaming child in mid-meltdown from a store and assume everyone thinks you're abducting a kid? · 1 hour ago
I awarded a scholarship at the local highschool and I was terrified to be there.
There was a teenage girl crying her eyes out because she was having flight troubles and I think something bad happened to her boyfriend in Iraq and she couldnt get somewhere. I wanted to help, but I was terrified to engage her.
Jul '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
I feel that I owe elders from my childhood a lot of credit for who I became. I had a music teacher and veteran who had a big influence on inspiring me to join the military. Received a lot of good relationship advice from him. I always preferred befriending elders than peers growing up. I was interested in how different their lives were compared to mine at the same age.
Aug '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Anyone remember "My Life as a Dog " ? .
The pop bottle scene was a classic example of a child's continuing fascination with sex , something that probably starts before puberty.
It's not something that children are introduced to by adults. The natural course of things is that clumsy but tried and true collection of things that we all experienced as kids: sniggling ,giggling ,thrilled, and scared by it all.
When the natural course is perverted, then trauma ensues. Criminalizing it probably only resulted as injuries were counted up.
Like many perversions of human nature, it's secrecy was institutionalized within whatever walls the protectors throw up. Most still exist.
I doubt the Catholic Church knew the firestorm it would suffer as the media set their sights on religion, it's victimization was twofold as it's policy was male only (big bullseye there) and anti contraception ( that does it-go get em). No other target that large had presented itself to a hungry irresponsible press combined with a trial lawyers posse. That was gasoline on this fire.
Jun '12
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Really enjoyed reading this post. I never knew any of my grandparents and was very close to an elderly half paralysed neighbour till I was around 5. I remember buttoning her traditional chinese cheong sam every morning, she also died of a sudden heart attack and I still miss her till this day. I have a craving for the attention of a grandparent, maybe part reason why I chose to marry Instugator who has 3 moms and 3 dads ( but things aren't exactly turning out the way I plan for my children). There is a Chinese saying " An elderly in a home is like treasure to cherish". Strangely, I don't harbour any pedophilic concern about my children hanging with old people, it is rude in my culture to leave my children in the care of any other person not within the family. And it is also considered rude for young children to bug older people. So TR, please don't think I am not trusting you if I don't ship my children out to you in summer ok?
Edited on December 1, 2012 at 1:12amNov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
One of my favorite short stories about the ways in which a child's innocence can save the adults around her is For Esme, With Love and Squalor.
And I don't know if Anne Shirley and the Cuthberts technically counts, but I'm adding that one to our list anyway!
May '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Start by not buying into the hysteria about the dangers of male sexuality. I'm a divorced father, so I'm automatically subject to the most intense and never-ending scrutiny, but I found it very liberating to stop obsessing over all the bad stuff in the world. It's almost all exaggerated to make people scared and to make society scared of the masculine, so I don't participate.
Dec '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
tabula rasa:
Our next-door neighbors were an older couple whose children were long gone. I suppose they were in their sixties when I was born (I always thought they must have been in their eighties). My parents loved them and they loved my parents. They babysat me more than once. They weren't actually relatives, but I called him Uncle Bill and her Aunt Mandy.
I particularly enjoyed this section of your post as it revived one of my fondest childhood memories during summertime visits with my southern grandmother. Three elderly spinsters (Miss Virginia, Elizabeth, and Georgia) -- who lived next door to my grandmother-- invited this grade-schooler to "tea" every afternoon at 4:00 sharp. I learned more about unique cultural morays on that back porch than I will ever have the good fortune to, again.
As Whiskey Sam declared in his commentary: It's these kinds of positive interactions that strengthen the social cohesion of our society and pass our cultural values on from one generation to the next.
Edited on December 1, 2012 at 6:26amFeb '12
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
I am a very affectionate husband, father, son, brother, friend, dog-owner, elder, homeschool co-op teacher, baby-sitter. This trend has troubled me for years. What if someone sees me on a hike (as part of a larger group) looking at a found treasure one of my young friends delights to show me? What will people think? Yet having grown up with a wonderful affectionate he-man of a father, I know how necessary it is for "normal" human relations to not lock my caring away and keep kids only at arm's length. Of course, I know the parents of children I hang out with very well.
The smallest of prices to pay for this privilege of inter-generational camaraderie is that I try to keep everyone informed of what we're doing, where we're going, etc. And to work at keeping any physical affection visible and in a group. Fred's quite right - no secrets.