The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
We live in a time in which our guards are up. Pedophilia is a horrible crime in which an adult preys on innocent children -- often the children, grandchildren, or other relatives of the perpetrator. There's a reason other criminals look at them with disdain.
I have five children and eight grandchildren. My children are grown (and thus no longer the target of the pedophile). My biggest fears for them are the depredations of all-powerful nanny state. But I worry about someone preying on my grandchildren. In fact, I am so conscious of this problem that I avoid any kind of situation in which my own relations with my grandchildren could be misinterpreted. I suppose all of that is a good thing.
But I believe we've lost something. Let me give you an example from when I was a kid. I grew up in the smallest of small towns. Our next-door neighbors were an older couple whose children were long gone. I suppose they were in their sixties when I was born (I always thought they must have been in their eighties). My parents loved them and they loved my parents. They babysat me more than once. They weren't actually relatives, but I called him Uncle Bill and her Aunt Mandy. They both loved me, but especially Uncle Bill--it dates me, but I was always known to him as "Sheriff Crockett." Two or three times a week, Uncle Bill would walk in (no knocking was required) while we ate breakfast. He'd sit at the table and mostly talk to me. As I grew older, he would take me fishing. I loved him dearly, and his sudden death from a heart attack when I was in my early teens was the saddest blow of my childhood. It was a pure relationship between an old man and a young boy.
I was reminded of this last night as I read Ian Ker's magnificent biography of G. K. Chesterton. Chesterton and his wife Frances could not have children, but they treated kids with love and respect. When parents would visit the Chestertons and bring their children along, Chesterton spent most of his time in conversation with the kids. He didn't talk down to them, but was genuinely interested in what they had to say.
In the late 1920s, Chesterton (then in his mid-fifties) and Frances went to Rome. At the hotel, they became friends with an English couple traveling with their three small children. Chesterton and Frances invited the kids to visit them. Ker writes:
"When their parents came to collect them, they found Chesterton 'tilted back in a chair, with a large white towel tucked under his collar, being lathered and shaved with a pretended razor by the four-year-old visitor.'"
Now that's my kind of man. Ker documents other incidents that demonstrate Chesterton's and Frances's love for children. By all accounts, Chesterton treated them the way my Uncle Bill treated me.
Two other stories describe pure love and affection between old and young.
We talk a lot here about P. G. Wodehouse (it's either me or Severely Ltd who usually raise the subject). One of Wodehouse's Blandings Castle stories is entitled "Lord Emsworth and the Girl Friend." Lord Emsworth is the absent-minded proprietor of Emsworth Castle, which holds an annual "school treat" (think "school carnival") for the local school on the castle grounds. Lord Emsworth hates the school treat because his imperious sister, Constance Keeble, makes him wear a stiff collar and a top hat, despite the warm weather.
On a visit to the village on the day of the school treat to judge flower displays, Emsworth is frightened by a large dog, but is rescued by a small girl named Gladys. They chat and become friends, especially when she reveals that, having been spotted picking flowers in the Castle grounds, she hit Angus McAllister (Lord Emsworth's Scottish gardener) on the shin with a stone to stop him chasing her. Because McAllister always disagrees with whatever Lord Emsworth wants to do, Gladys assumes the status of heroine in Emsworth's eyes.
At the treat, Emsworth flees the tea tent, taking refuge in an old shed. There he finds Gladys, miserable; she has been put there by Constance, for stealing from the tea tent, but Emsworth soon finds she was only getting her own tea, which she was going to give to her young brother Ern, who had previously been barred from the treat for biting Constance on the leg.
Delighted by this, Emsworth takes Gladys into the house, and has Beach the butler provide a hearty tea for him and Gladys. Beach also provides a feast to take back to Ern, and Gladys requests some flowers too. Emsworth hesitates, but cannot refuse her; as she is picking her flowers, McAllister rushes up in a fury, but his master, encouraged by Gladys' hand in his, stands up to the man, putting him in his place.
Constance approaches, demanding Emsworth return to make a speech in the tea tent; he refuses, saying he's going to put on some comfortable clothes and go visit Ern.
The dialogue between Emsworth and Gladys is funny and deeply touching. It's my favorite short story by Wodehouse.
The other story was written by Frank Sullivan, a long-time writer for the New Yorker.
Sullivan, a life-long bachelor, spent much of life in Saratoga in the house in which he grew up.
One of my favorite Sullivan stories, entitled "Letter to a Neighbor" (I think it's fiction based on fact), is in the form of a letter written by Sullivan to Butch, a five-year-old neighbor boy. In it, Frank reflects on their friendship and how much it means to him. He describes their meeting, when Butch pulled a fake gun on Frank and pretended to rob him, the regular sessions in which Butch asks endless questions, and gardening:
"You have transformed gardening from the sedative chore of a middle-aged gaffer into an adventure fraught with the unpredictable. Every blossom in the garden, every blade on the sward, trembles when you gallop into view, joyfully crying that you have come to help me weed. And every weed rejoices."
The story ends with Frank describing a day in which Butch was into everything in Frank's home. Frank goes into another room and after ten minutes of silence, goes in to make sure Butch isn't burning the house down:
"You were fast asleep in the big armchair. The recent dynamo was just a tired little boy, worn out by the arduous duties of running the neighborhood and seeing to it that no dull moments crept therein. You looked so small and so innocent, curled up in the armchair, that an odd emotion came over me.
Can it be that you have made me discontented with my status in life? Before I me you, I was a contented bachelor."
You can find this story in a Dover edition entitled Frank Sullivan at His Best (it's also available on Kindle).
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Jump forward to today. Would we look on Uncle Bill, Chesterton, Lord Emsworth, or Sullivan with suspicion? Probably we would.
I'm not even sure I have a point, other that to say that, while we must protect our children from predators, we must also find ways for them to develop pure, loving relationships with older folks. It's good for the kids, but old people like me need an occasional dose of the undiluted love that only a child can give us.
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Comments:
Jun '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Mendel
I understood Angmoh's comment the other way around - namely, that child predation has been a problem for eons, we are just more aware of it today.
I would tend to favor that view. Whenever I hear talk of how much less sinful society was "back then", I wonder how much of that was simply because people swept bad behavior under the rug more often "back then."
I certainly agree that child sex abuse isn't anything new. However, I believe (without an ounce of data to support it) that as society has become more permissive (Gertrude Himmelfarb calls if the "de-moralization of society") more people now do what a sense of shame or other societal constraints may have previously confined to their thoughts.
This may be an inapt comparison, but in fifty years (1960 to 2010), the American illegitimacy rate went from about 5% to over 40%. When the sense of shame or sin no longer attaches to an activity, we tend to get more of it.
That, however, isn't the point of my post. All I was trying to say is that innocent and positive relationships between kids and old folks is a good thing.
Jun '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Mendel: On a less scandalous note, I fear that today's six year olds may not have much interest in what their elders have to share.
Like it or not, the gap between today's old and young is much greater than it was during tabula rasa's childhood. I just can't imagine a device-saturated kid ginning up the interest for gardening or tea or a walk through town. And most grandparents today also have trouble relating to such youngsters, whose childhood hardly resembled their own.
I hope I'm being too pessimistic. · 7 minutes ago
Being a pessimist, I tend to agree. Which is why individuals and families need to swim against the tide and try to create these kinds of personal relationships.
Jul '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
The Old Man and the Boy, by Robert Ruark is one of my favorite books ever. A grandpa teaches a boy how to handle firearms, hunt, fish, respect the world and be an all around great young man. The grandpa's cancer in the end still leaves me highly emotional to contemplate even now considering the parallels to my youth.
Feb '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
When we were little, my brothers and sisters and I used to go visit some older neighbors frequently. We'd usually bring our dog, who loved them as much as we did. We called them Aunt and Uncle, even though they were no relation. She called us all Sarah, Josephine, or Joseph.
We also used to go down to visit the rectory and knock on the back door. The young priest would invite us to come in the kitchen and eat Freihofer's chocolate chip cookies and drink root beer.
My 9 yo son has an older friend who lives down the road -- he bikes down to bring her eggs from our chickens frequently. She invites the children over to play with her gorgeous and bouncy Golden retriever, and pick apples in the fall.
When I was very sick last month she brought me a lasagna.
These kinds of relationships are rare gems, though.
We have a great tenant living on our property in a small cottage. He has lived here for 8 years. He asked us to not let the children come over because he works for the local school district and does not want any problems ever. Sad.
Nov '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
C. U. Douglas
Part of this is the sexualization of love, that is as a culture we equate love with sex, and have ceased to understand love without the trappings of sex.
Not only that, but sexuality in general is not to be suppressed, but celebrated, whatever it is; any disapproval is just bigotry, and any taboo is just a primitive rule from a bygone, less-enlightened era. Take this to the natural extreme, add the shaming of shame, and you get folks like NAMBLA. Even without going that far, you get twisted folks that can justify themselves by that line of thinking.
Also, pedophilia is one of the last taboos, so that adds a bit of excitement to it.
Jul '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
I know as a white male that was suspiciously single well into my thirties. That I would not and will still not stay in any place for any length of time with an underage person. It just is not worth the risk. Kids hear things and say things thinking they think are cute and do not understand the ramifications of them. Once the witch hunt starts there is no way to totally clear your name, there is always the doubt.
Apr '12
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
C. U. Douglas
Part of this is the sexualization of love, that is as a culture we equate love with sex, and have ceased to understand love without the trappings of sex.
Heck, even affection is sexual.
I somehow don't think that anywhere near as many boys were being molested by their teachers at the turn of last century, so I'd guess that the bigger worry comes both from more awareness and it happening more.
With older children-- early teens-- there's even less of a risk if you do get caught. And now I'm really depressed.
Mar '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
I am saddened to read things like this, Fred--not because you haven't offered very practical advice that ought to be taken: you have--but because my reaction is: is it too much to ask that good adults take it as a sacred duty to protect children against this monstrousness? We now have to rely on the children to protect themselves against predatory behavior?
But the sad truth is, yes. Yes we do.
Mar '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
TR: Great observations. We absolutely look askance at this today and it is tragic.
I suppose I agree with all of those who have said already that our sex-drenched popular culture bears responsibility. Any quick glance at glossy fashion magazines is sufficient to demonstrate that the sexualization of children is disgustingly rampant.
Among the casualties of this deviancy is the proper formation of love and eros in children themselves; their ability to form lasting relationships later in life is uprooted everywhere today.
It seems we have completely lost the ability to address the first blooms of eros in youth and to direct these early longings into proper, healthy, beautiful forms. Almost absent are the grace of a Jane Austen, or Shakespeare. Instead these longings become immediately vulgarized, physical, reduced to the most base sexuality.
We've entirely lost the sense that one of the emotions that accompanies the first shoots of this bloom is awe: the utter shock at the discovery of the other sex. The strange, simultaneous fear and intrigue we feel: fear at not knowing how to be alone with this other, intrigue in learning how to be.
Feb '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Or as people used to say, David and Jonathan.
Nov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Crow's Nest
I am saddened to read things like this, Fred--not because you haven't offered very practical advice that ought to be taken: you have--but because my reaction is: is it too much to ask that good adults take it as a sacred duty to protect children against this monstrousness? We now have to rely on the children to protectthemselvesagainst predatory behavior?
But the sad truth is, yes. Yes we do. · 4 hours ago
Talking to children in the way described above is a way of adults protecting children. The children have to know enough to be able to tell an adult.
Children and adults are going to be in situations where bad things could happen, alone one one one. Some time that old neighbor will be alone with your kid. Even the most vigilant parent can't (and shouldn't) be at their child's side every second of every day.
Nov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
The nature of man is that there will always be some tiny fraction of a percentage of creepy pedophiles. That's just the nature of the world.
And you can shake your head and say "It shouldn't be this way."
No, it shouldn't. But equipping children to know right from wrong is protecting them.
Feb '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Fred Cole: The nature of man is that there will always be some tiny fraction of a percentage of creepy pedophiles. That's just the nature of the world.
And you can shake your head and say "It shouldn't be this way."
No, it shouldn't. But equipping children to know right from wrong is protecting them. · 2 minutes ago
I agree. Nostalgia for a rosy past in which children were never molested by adults is simply false.
But at the same time, the paralyzing fear many parents live in -- I know other parents who are horrified that I let my children ride their bikes to the library or GameStop, or even walk unaccompanied into their ballet or karate school from the parking lot, for goodness sake! -- is simply wrong.
Mar '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Fred Cole: Talking to children in the way described above is a way of adults protecting children. The children have to know enough to be able to tell an adult.
Children and adults are going to be in situations where bad things could happen, alone one one one. Some time that old neighbor will be alone with your kid. Even the most vigilant parent can't (and shouldn't) be at their child's side every second of every day. · 30 minutes ago
I don't disagree with you at all here, Fred. We should enable children to protect themselves in as gentle a way as we can--and we should be on the look out for suspicious behavior by adults. There are simply too many cases to ignore.
Nevertheless, if you examine some of the recent cases--say, the case of the BBC anchor--there was a mountain of evidence, and a lot of adults looked the other way, that he was abusive to underage girls during his lifetime.
People became paralyzed by celebrity and fear--adults failed in their duty.
Talking to children is one way to protect them. It is not the only way.
Nov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Crow's Nest
People became paralyzed by celebrity and fear--adults failed in their duty.
And there's always going to be breakdown in the system because the system requires people, and people fail sometimes.
But that goes for any system that involves people.
Nov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Mama Toad
I agree. Nostalgia for a rosy past in which children were never molested by adults is simply false.
But at the same time, the paralyzing fear many parents live in -- I know other parents who are horrified that I let my children ride their bikes to the library or GameStop, or even walk unaccompanied into their ballet or karate school from the parking lot, for goodness sake! -- is simply wrong. · 1 hour ago
Yeah. There is no rosy past of safety.
The perception is that everything is worse now, when in many ways its better. The world is a safer place statistically. Abuse and molestation are things that more people are more open to talking about.
And education, talking about it, empowers people. Teaching children is a way of empowering them, letting them defend themselves and keeping them from becoming victims.
Sep '12
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
In the news this week in London is the appalling story of an 11 year old girl who was dragged into a park and raped while on her way home from school, in school uniform.
My daughter - just 12 - crosses west London by public transport, on her own, to get to school.
Should I be worried? Of course. Should I change our behaviour - I think not. That was an awful story but we must put it in perspective - an isolated incident in a city of umpteen million. I think that my daughter's freedom is too important to be extinguised by fear. If I lived in Pakistan or Afghanistan then it would be different.
In relation to the discussion about whether this paedophilia is a new phenomenon: I am no expert but I think that this has always been with us but what is different is the reporting of and the sensitivity to it, so I come down on the side of those who assert that our kids are probably generally safer now than historically has been the case but our awareness and therefore fear of paedophiles is greater.
Mar '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Yes, agreed on both counts. I should clarify one thing I said earlier.
I am emphatically not saying that our sex-drenched popular culture is responsible for pedophilia. I think this particular deviancy to be unnatural and largely the result of trauma in early life (a kind of stunted development usually caused by abuse)--but I think it is something that has always been with us (t0 greater or lesser extent).
What I was saying was that because our sex-drenched culture has almost completely lost the ability to discuss affection in anything other than sexual terms, and eros in anything other than physical terms, we have damaged both the old and the young, and suspicion is everywhere.
Nov '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
This hit me between the eyes a number of years ago when the Boy Scouts employed the "two adult" rule, a scout could not be in presence of a single adult if a second adult was not in the area. Imagine my surprise when I was told that during Scouting activities I could not be alone with my own Son!
Jul '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Angmoh Gao
flownover: Where did this suspicion come from ?
Anyone have an opinion of the distasteful side of this otherwise wonderful post ?
I am very sorry to sound a bum note since I am very much against the effects of prohibitive, preemptive, overreaction. However I think that we should not ignore the possibility that the crimes obliquely alluded to here have been more prevalent than society has been willing to admit. Increasingly and depressingly we are exposed to evidence of this. It is therefore perhaps appropriate to take an informed, rather than an hysterical approach.
I second this, and disagree with Fred that's it overblown. One of my own family members has been (twice) the victim of abuse by, shockingly, other family members. It's such a horrifying concept that the rest of the family can't even have a rational conversation about it.
You look at the Catholic Church scandal, and the never-ending litany of "teacher sleeps with student" stories - sexual crimes against children at home and in our institutions might be more pervasive than we're willing to admit, or consider.