The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
We live in a time in which our guards are up. Pedophilia is a horrible crime in which an adult preys on innocent children -- often the children, grandchildren, or other relatives of the perpetrator. There's a reason other criminals look at them with disdain.
I have five children and eight grandchildren. My children are grown (and thus no longer the target of the pedophile). My biggest fears for them are the depredations of all-powerful nanny state. But I worry about someone preying on my grandchildren. In fact, I am so conscious of this problem that I avoid any kind of situation in which my own relations with my grandchildren could be misinterpreted. I suppose all of that is a good thing.
But I believe we've lost something. Let me give you an example from when I was a kid. I grew up in the smallest of small towns. Our next-door neighbors were an older couple whose children were long gone. I suppose they were in their sixties when I was born (I always thought they must have been in their eighties). My parents loved them and they loved my parents. They babysat me more than once. They weren't actually relatives, but I called him Uncle Bill and her Aunt Mandy. They both loved me, but especially Uncle Bill--it dates me, but I was always known to him as "Sheriff Crockett." Two or three times a week, Uncle Bill would walk in (no knocking was required) while we ate breakfast. He'd sit at the table and mostly talk to me. As I grew older, he would take me fishing. I loved him dearly, and his sudden death from a heart attack when I was in my early teens was the saddest blow of my childhood. It was a pure relationship between an old man and a young boy.
I was reminded of this last night as I read Ian Ker's magnificent biography of G. K. Chesterton. Chesterton and his wife Frances could not have children, but they treated kids with love and respect. When parents would visit the Chestertons and bring their children along, Chesterton spent most of his time in conversation with the kids. He didn't talk down to them, but was genuinely interested in what they had to say.
In the late 1920s, Chesterton (then in his mid-fifties) and Frances went to Rome. At the hotel, they became friends with an English couple traveling with their three small children. Chesterton and Frances invited the kids to visit them. Ker writes:
"When their parents came to collect them, they found Chesterton 'tilted back in a chair, with a large white towel tucked under his collar, being lathered and shaved with a pretended razor by the four-year-old visitor.'"
Now that's my kind of man. Ker documents other incidents that demonstrate Chesterton's and Frances's love for children. By all accounts, Chesterton treated them the way my Uncle Bill treated me.
Two other stories describe pure love and affection between old and young.
We talk a lot here about P. G. Wodehouse (it's either me or Severely Ltd who usually raise the subject). One of Wodehouse's Blandings Castle stories is entitled "Lord Emsworth and the Girl Friend." Lord Emsworth is the absent-minded proprietor of Emsworth Castle, which holds an annual "school treat" (think "school carnival") for the local school on the castle grounds. Lord Emsworth hates the school treat because his imperious sister, Constance Keeble, makes him wear a stiff collar and a top hat, despite the warm weather.
On a visit to the village on the day of the school treat to judge flower displays, Emsworth is frightened by a large dog, but is rescued by a small girl named Gladys. They chat and become friends, especially when she reveals that, having been spotted picking flowers in the Castle grounds, she hit Angus McAllister (Lord Emsworth's Scottish gardener) on the shin with a stone to stop him chasing her. Because McAllister always disagrees with whatever Lord Emsworth wants to do, Gladys assumes the status of heroine in Emsworth's eyes.
At the treat, Emsworth flees the tea tent, taking refuge in an old shed. There he finds Gladys, miserable; she has been put there by Constance, for stealing from the tea tent, but Emsworth soon finds she was only getting her own tea, which she was going to give to her young brother Ern, who had previously been barred from the treat for biting Constance on the leg.
Delighted by this, Emsworth takes Gladys into the house, and has Beach the butler provide a hearty tea for him and Gladys. Beach also provides a feast to take back to Ern, and Gladys requests some flowers too. Emsworth hesitates, but cannot refuse her; as she is picking her flowers, McAllister rushes up in a fury, but his master, encouraged by Gladys' hand in his, stands up to the man, putting him in his place.
Constance approaches, demanding Emsworth return to make a speech in the tea tent; he refuses, saying he's going to put on some comfortable clothes and go visit Ern.
The dialogue between Emsworth and Gladys is funny and deeply touching. It's my favorite short story by Wodehouse.
The other story was written by Frank Sullivan, a long-time writer for the New Yorker.
Sullivan, a life-long bachelor, spent much of life in Saratoga in the house in which he grew up.
One of my favorite Sullivan stories, entitled "Letter to a Neighbor" (I think it's fiction based on fact), is in the form of a letter written by Sullivan to Butch, a five-year-old neighbor boy. In it, Frank reflects on their friendship and how much it means to him. He describes their meeting, when Butch pulled a fake gun on Frank and pretended to rob him, the regular sessions in which Butch asks endless questions, and gardening:
"You have transformed gardening from the sedative chore of a middle-aged gaffer into an adventure fraught with the unpredictable. Every blossom in the garden, every blade on the sward, trembles when you gallop into view, joyfully crying that you have come to help me weed. And every weed rejoices."
The story ends with Frank describing a day in which Butch was into everything in Frank's home. Frank goes into another room and after ten minutes of silence, goes in to make sure Butch isn't burning the house down:
"You were fast asleep in the big armchair. The recent dynamo was just a tired little boy, worn out by the arduous duties of running the neighborhood and seeing to it that no dull moments crept therein. You looked so small and so innocent, curled up in the armchair, that an odd emotion came over me.
Can it be that you have made me discontented with my status in life? Before I me you, I was a contented bachelor."
You can find this story in a Dover edition entitled Frank Sullivan at His Best (it's also available on Kindle).
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Jump forward to today. Would we look on Uncle Bill, Chesterton, Lord Emsworth, or Sullivan with suspicion? Probably we would.
I'm not even sure I have a point, other that to say that, while we must protect our children from predators, we must also find ways for them to develop pure, loving relationships with older folks. It's good for the kids, but old people like me need an occasional dose of the undiluted love that only a child can give us.
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Comments:
Nov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
There are ways to help children in this regard:
1. Know your children. I once thought my cats to be suspiciously healthy. I asked him how I'd know there was something wrong with my cats. He said "You'll know."
If you know your children or grandchildren, you get to know their habits, how they react to things. If there's something wrong, you'll notice a change.
Nov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
2. I knew a social worker who would go around educating kindergartners on how to avoid being the victims of sexual abuse.
It went like this:
First, no grown up should touch you in your bathing suit area except for a doctor or a nurse. And they would say bathing suit area, because all the children understood, and if you said underwear, they would giggle.
Second, a surprise is a good thing, but a secret is a bad thing.
If I buy sneakers for your mother for Xmas, that's a surprise. Surprises are a good things! Surprise presents, surprise parties.
Secrets are a bad thing. No grown up should ask you to keep a secret. If they do, then tell someone. A parent or a teacher.
Usually in a season of doing this, she'd get half a dozen disclosures.
Nov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Its important that children know enough to defend themselves, but not be made scared of the world.
There's a difference between a harmless older adult and a creepy pedophile. The above mentioned basic instruction, written so children can understand it, will do that.
Apr '12
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Much has been lost; look at the relationship between Fr0d0 and Bilbo, or Frodo and Sam, or Han and Chewie, or Kirk and Spock-- and realize that a significant portion of my generation would interpret those as homosexual relationships, because "friends just aren't that close."
Sep '12
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Hear Hear TR. Valuable thoughts.
I applaud Fred Cole too for the observations of responsible child protection however I do despair of how suspicion seems to have overwhelmed society.
I hope for my children that they achieve positive relationships with older people and am very happy that they have the opportunity to spend part of their lives socializing with elderly neighbors in a rural village environment and don't have to live all their lives absorbed in inner city paranoia. Not all are so lucky.
Jun '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Fred Cole: Its important that children know enough to defend themselves, but not be made scared of the world.
There's a difference between a harmless older adult and a creepy pedophile. The above mentioned basic instruction, written so children can understand it, will do that. · 1 hour ago
These are good, common sense ideas. Thanks.
Jun '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Angmoh Gao: Hear Hear TR. Valuable thoughts.
I applaud Fred Cole too for the observations of responsible child protection however I do despair of how suspicion seems to have overwhelmed society.
I hope for my children that they achieve positive relationships with older people and am very happy that they have the opportunity to spend part of their lives socializing with elderly neighbors in a rural village environment and don't have to live all their lives absorbed in inner city paranoia. Not all are so lucky. · 6 minutes ago
My children have now lost all their grandparents, but I think they cherish their memories of them.
My father had dentures, but was always happy to take them out and suck his face in when his grandchildren asked him to. One of the reasons they respected him so much was that he was willing to look foolish for them. Occasionally it's a good thing to be fun instead of dignified.
Aug '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Where did this suspicion come from ? I hesitate to use a broad brush and blame something like feminism and the resulting attitudes towards men in general, but I can't think of anything else so sweeping in it's indictment of half the world other than that ? Is it related to the breakdown of the family unit, with the resulting incident rates going up as women left the home to go into the workforce, have the protectors left the home ?
Or perhaps an insidious PC that refuses to identify perverse activity for what it is ? The wholesale shutdown of mental health facilities ? The normalization of pornography ?
Anyone have an opinion of the distasteful side of this otherwise wonderful post ? Thanks Tabula, of course your opinion would be highly regarded. What say you gramps ?
Nov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Lovely and bittersweet, TR! (Off to order the Ker biography...).
Nov '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Angmoh Gao: Hear Hear TR. Valuable thoughts.
I applaud Fred Cole too for the observations of responsible child protection however I do despair of how suspicion seems to have overwhelmed society.
Couldn't agree more.
Nov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
tabula rasa
Fred Cole: Its important that children know enough to defend themselves, but not be made scared of the world.
There's a difference between a harmless older adult and a creepy pedophile. The above mentioned basic instruction, written so children can understand it, will do that. · 1 hour ago
These are good, common sense ideas. Thanks. · 1 minute ago
There's a lot of people with kids and grand kids here, and its good stuff. That whole secret/surprise thing really is great. And I wanted to pass it along to help the people here.
Children need information to be able to defend themselves. They shouldn't be scared of the world, but they should know enough to be able to ask for help.
Nov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
It's a product of media hysteria. Then politicians picked up on the hysteria and exploited it.
Apr '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Part of this is the sexualization of love, that is as a culture we equate love with sex, and have ceased to understand love without the trappings of sex.
I appreciate Fred's advice greatly, especially his second where it demonstrates to children just what is acceptable and what is not.
I lament that we have to do such things nowadays at all.
Aug '10
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Fred Cole
It's a product of media hysteria. Then politicians picked up on the hysteria and exploited it. · 49 minutes ago
Well, I agree partially. What would Greta vonSusteren do without her dead blonde of the week or missing children ? Does this go all the way back to "Ace in the Hole" ?
Sep '12
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
flownover: Where did this suspicion come from ?
Anyone have an opinion of the distasteful side of this otherwise wonderful post ?
I am very sorry to sound a bum note since I am very much against the effects of prohibitive, preemptive, overreaction. However I think that we should not ignore the possibility that the crimes obliquely alluded to here have been more prevalent than society has been willing to admit. Increasingly and depressingly we are exposed to evidence of this. It is therefore perhaps appropriate to take an informed, rather than an hysterical approach.
What is correctly to be despised is the hysteria that prevents our children from properly benefiting from contact with adults and especially those from the wiser, older strata. But we must beware the evil that is out there.
Jul '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
There's not an adult my delightful loving kids come in to contact with that do not know that I'd kill them if they molested my kids instead of calling the cops. I say it with a smile but the recipient knows I'm potential homicidal regarding this. I know I've scared people but it's all the truth and pedophiles hide very very well so the likelihood they'd pick on a kid with a suspicious, screw missing dad is far less likely.
My kids have been educated almost exactly as Fred has outlined as well.
I've deliberately fostered my kids knowing Uncle Steve the race car mechanic and Uncle Chuck the hunter,writer extraordinaire as well as men in their 70's and 80's from whom love and affection can be given in a healthy fashion. Most of these men are my patients and I know them very well.
Edited on November 30, 2012 at 5:04pmNov '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Angmoh Gao
I am very sorry to sound a bum note since I am very much against the effects of prohibitive, preemptive, overreaction. However I think that we should not ignore the possibility that the crimes obliquely alluded to here have been more prevalent than society has been willing to admit. Increasingly and depressingly we are exposed to evidence of this. It is therefore perhaps appropriate to take an informed, rather than an hysterical approach.
I think this is very possible. When there is so much focus on sex in our culture -- so much celebration of it, so much visualization, and so much weakening of the protective marriage bond -- it would hardly be strange if they became more common.
That's not to blame society instead of the predator. Only to note that social attitudes and trends which might once have been some restraint on those inclined in this direction today feed their appetite.
Edited on November 30, 2012 at 6:39pmJul '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Leigh
Angmoh Gao
I am very sorry to sound a bum note since I am very much against the effects of prohibitive, preemptive, overreaction. However I think that we should not ignore the possibility that the crimes obliquely alluded to here have been more prevalent than society has been willing to admit. Increasingly and depressingly we are exposed to evidence of this. It is therefore perhaps appropriate to take an informed, rather than an hysterical approach.
I think this is very possible. When there is so much focus on sex in our culture -- so much celebration of it, so much visualization, and so much weakening of the protective marriage bond -- it would hardly be strange if they became more common.
That's not to blame society instead of the predator. Onlyto note that social attitudes and trends which might once have been some restraint on those inclined in this direction today feed their appetite. · 21 minutes ago
Expect a worsening of these problems.
What TR brings up about positive relationships with older men probably saved my life as a troubled kid without a dad around. My 23 yr old just signed up for big brothers, of his own volition. Proud.
Mar '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
Leigh
Angmoh Gao
I am very sorry to sound a bum note since I am very much against the effects of prohibitive, preemptive, overreaction. However I think that we should not ignore the possibility that the crimes obliquely alluded to here have been more prevalent than society has been willing to admit. Increasingly and depressingly we are exposed to evidence of this. It is therefore perhaps appropriate to take an informed, rather than an hysterical approach.
I think this is very possible. When there is so much focus on sex in our culture -- so much celebration of it, so much visualization, and so much weakening of the protective marriage bond -- it would hardly be strange if they became more common.
I understood Angmoh's comment the other way around - namely, that child predation has been a problem for eons, we are just more aware of it today.
I would tend to favor that view. Whenever I hear talk of how much less sinful society was "back then", I wonder how much of that was simply because people swept bad behavior under the rug more often "back then."
Mar '11
Re: The Innocent Relationships Between Old Men and Children
On a less scandalous note, I fear that today's six year olds may not have much interest in what their elders have to share.
Like it or not, the gap between today's old and young is much greater than it was during tabula rasa's childhood. I just can't imagine a device-saturated kid ginning up the interest for gardening or tea or a walk through town. And most grandparents today also have trouble relating to such youngsters, whose childhood hardly resembled their own.
I hope I'm being too pessimistic.