The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Late last month Anwar Al-Awlaki was killed in Yemen. Killed in the same attack was Samir Khan, the editor of Al-Qaida's English language internet magazine.
I knew Samir for the approximately ten years that we attended school together, first at Bowling Green Elementary, then at W.T. Clarke Middle and High Schools in Westbury, NY. His death was a jarring experience for me. We didn't keep in touch after high school. It's been tough to talk about, but I think the below email (with some names edited) that I wrote to one of my high school teachers a few days after his death is probably the best way I can express my feelings in public.
Samir moved to Westbury I think around 2nd or 3rd grade. Since he didn't have many friends, and our mothers were both involved in PTA multicultural events, I tried to be his friend, spend time with him after school, play with him at recess and make him feel more comfortable. We got along well enough, but never really bonded. By the time I was in middle school, I had formed a group that he wasn't apart of, and we grew distant.
It was sometime in high school, 10th grade I believe, that he came back from a benign Muslim summer camp with a beard (or as much of a beard as he could grow then) and a skullcap, telling the other Muslims at Clarke that he "saw Allah" in a dream. I remember jokingly asking him what Allah looked like. From then on he was very serious about the religion, quite conservative in his appearance and actions, and spent a lot of time trying to talk to Muslims in the school about religion and trying to convince us to become more like him. He even tried to start a conversation with me about my controversial sect, but I stopped him in his tracks; I was not interested in being told that I am not a Muslim, especially by someone like Samir. This all caused even more distance to come between Samir and myself, and, I imagine, most of the other Muslims at Clarke. Sal was an exception, since at that time he was also quite serious about the religion, not drinking, smoking or pursuing girls. Every now and then Sal would berate us to not be so hard on Samir behind his back or to his face, since he was not preaching anything totally offensive (back then), just a stricter adherence to what our parents had taught us: pray five times a day, give charity, don't watch obscene TV shows or movies, don't chase girls, don't drink, don't smoke - nothing we hadn't heard before from our elders.
But Sal was different than Samir. He was a socially well-adjusted and well-balanced person. Samir went from being a lonely new kid in school to an avowed loner, compounding his loneliness with defensiveness about his religion. It's hard to justify to yourself when you're young why you can't make friends, especially when all your peers are living active and fun lives surrounded by others. Hiding behind his faith, the beard, the cap and the preaching might have given Samir the reason he needed to understand why he was the odd man out.
While I'm sure there were many factors that I'm not privy to and couldn't understand about his life, from the very beginning, I chalked up his transformation to loneliness and a lack of a sense of belonging. Harris disagrees, since he went to the same mosque as Samir, and says that everyone there was "nice enough" to him. But it is always blatantly obvious to the odd man out when those around you are being "nice enough." It is no condolence to the lonely when you know that you are only accepted because you happen to be Muslim, or because everyone's parents would scold them if they left you out of their activities. Harris' words prove that Samir was not accepted because the others at the mosque were his friends, but simply because he was there.
And that's why I can't shake the feeling that had I only been able to be his friend, to hold onto that friendship that I tried to foster with him when we were young boys, he would never have taken those first steps in high school that led to his death last Friday. There's no way that as a 10 year old boy I could have known or have comprehended that any of this could have happened, but it doesn't change the fact that he latched onto an orthodox, anti-American Muslim group because they were the only ones willing to accept him, to really accept him, be his friend, support him and make him feel like he belonged. I could have offered him that. I could have been a friend and grown up beside him. I can't help but think that that is all it would have taken to keep him from going over the deep end.
I feel like if I heard that from someone else, I would advocate stoicism, and take a logical approach. Of course it's not your fault, there's no way you could have known, there were lots of things going on; those are some of the things I would have said to Harris had our feelings been reversed. But I can't believe that there was nothing that could have been done for him, by me or by anyone, much earlier in his life. I cannot accept that this was an inevitability, or that this could not have been foreseen. Accepting that would be an acceptance of powerlessness to help others and save others from falling into the path of hate, violence and eventually death. Samir didn't have to die. Not because the US military shouldn't have killed him, or because Islam is actually a religion of peace, or even because "violence is never the answer." Samir didn't have to die because all he needed was a friend. All he needed was acceptance, self-esteem and that sense of belonging that we all take for granted. That alone would have kept him from latching onto a group that promoted beliefs that led him to self-destructive behavior.
I've been running circles around myself for the last two days trying to shake the feeling that in a way I failed Samir. Maybe we all did, Harris, myself, the other Muslims at Clarke. It's a terrible feeling. But feeling terrible isn't always a bad thing. Maybe it's a lesson learned too late, how important it is to try your hardest to keep someone from falling through the cracks. I imagine you've seen your fair share of kids fall through the cracks, though perhaps not in quite the same way as Samir. That's why I'm writing to you, because you knew him, you know me, and maybe you can understand.
There are myriad first- and second-hand details that I've left out in the interest of privacy for myself, my friends and Samir's family. But suffice it to say that no newspaper article or television/radio news report can accurately explain what happened to him or why. I'm sure that is the case for any number of Americans attracted to violent radicalism.
On an intellectual level, this has all hit home how complex the transformation from normal teenager to Al-Qaida member can be. On a personal level, there was a painfully simple solution that could've been, but wasn't.
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Jun '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Wow, this is a pretty heavy duty situation you've found yourself in. I'm sorry this has happened to you. If it's any consolation, I see this as quite similar to anyone who has dealt with a friend who has gone down the life of drug addiction. I have such a friend and look back at all the things I could have done, but didn't. In the end, I'm not sure I could have done something pivotal since his life became so far beyond anything I could take, that I just couldn't do any more for him.
Perhaps, simply, as you say, he did indeed need a friend. But it's possible that you could never have been the friend he was looking for no matter how hard you tried. At some point, you have to forgive yourself. Ultimately, people go their own way and there is only so much you can do. Again, I'm sorry, these things in life are never easy to figure out.
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Humza, thank you for being so genuine and vulnerable. This is a very moving post. I'm with Dave when he says that it's possible that you could never have been the friend he was looking for no matter how hard you tried. And ultimately everyone is responsible for themselves and the sort of person they become.
But...
You do make a very compelling case about how we have the capacity to make such a difference in others' lives, if only we are willing to offer our time and empathy to a fellow human being. It's no easy task, but it literally can change the entire outcome of a life.
May '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
I have early school classmates whom I remember as being targets of unkind conduct, and I regret to this day the fact that I lacked the courage and self-confidence to speak up.
But, Humza, you can't take these burdens on yourself. Samir made his own decisions and he had the same opportunities to make good or bad decisions as you did.
You really ought to be on the permanent Congressional staff for Peter King's committee, though.
Jan '11
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Wonderful and thoughtful post, thank you
Dec '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
"Hiding behind his faith, the beard, the cap and the preaching might have given Samir the reason he needed to understand why he was the odd man out."
Similar things have been said about the Columbine shooters and other outcasts. Adopting a persona of a true believer - in fundamentalist Islam, in pop-anarchy, in nihilism - may not help an outcast understand why he's an outcast, but it may give him an anchor to make his status as an outcast a source of pride and satisfaction rather than pain.
"... it doesn't change the fact that he latched onto an orthodox, anti-American Muslim group because they were the only ones willing to accept him, to really accept him, be his friend, support him and make him feel like he belonged."
I doubt that they really, really accepted him. I think they really, really found him useful and easily manipulated. (Perhaps I am wrong, and they both accepted and used him, if they are the kind of people who don't mind being used themselves.)
Thank you for sharing these thoughts.
Aug '11
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
What is a PTA multicultural event?
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
At my school we always had this big event where all different kinds of cultures would set up booths, based on nationality I think, and represent their cultures (food, dancing, etc.) Sounds like this would probably be the same. Although there's a chance you're joking by posting this...
Anyway, like everyone else has said, thanks for posting this.
Oct '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Thank you, Mr. Ahmad, for this moving account of your interactions with Samir Khan. It provides a personal perspective of how an American citizen can become radicalised and come into the crosshairs of the U.S. military.
It was the murder of Khan, even more than that of al-Awalki, which caused me to realise why I am not a conservative. What, precisely, did Khan do to merit being blown to bits by a missile fired by remote control from a model airplane from Hell? Well, as far as I can determine, he operated a blog and edited a magazine. However offensive the content of his speech, as a U.S. citizen, one would expect it to be protected, and the U.S. to intervene when necessary to protect his rights rather than killing him by a missile strike on the territory of a sovereign nation with which the U.S. is not at war.
Are you a U.S. citizen who operates a blog or edits a magazine? Watch the sky!
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Thank you for going to the trouble of writing this and for sharing this with us. It is instructive.
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
What did he do? He chose the other side in a war with his country, and he rode around with one of the figures directing that war. He was to Al Q'aeda what Tokyo Rose was to the Japanese in World War II. Had one of the bombs we dropped on Japan taken her out, would anyone have stood aghast in horror because she was an American citizen? I think not.
Dec '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Nice try, but stop beating yourself up. He was not an easy, or natural friend, as you describe. He had, while growing up, a sense of superiority in search of a mission. He juudged his fellow boy and man and had a tendency to assume his position was superior, then inflicted it upon others.
Religion aside, this guy was a "pill", a didact, and conceited. You gave it a shot and he pushed you away, then told you and others how you might better meet with his approval. I can't see you making a decade's effort at trying to befriend this guy.
Here's the question: would you have been OK with him dating your little sister? Be honest, now. Strip away the religious aspects, this guy would have to step away from my sister, regardless of any effort I may have made to make him feel accepted around me.
Some guys are just natural born pills. You might try to make room for them in your life, but you wouldn't let them anywhere near your sister.
Aug '11
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Paul A. Rahe
What did he do? He chose the other side in a war with his country, and he rode around with one of the figures directing that war. He was to Al Q'aeda what Tokyo Rose was to the Japanese in World War II. Had one of the bombs we dropped on Japan taken her out, would anyone have stood aghast in horror because she was an American citizen? I think not. · Oct 17 at 4:06pm
He gave aid and comfort to America's enemies. And don't believe for a second that had it been within his ability to do so, he wouldn't have done far worse.
Good riddance.
May '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Not even Khan himself knew how he became who he was. Only God sees even half the influences upon us and can weigh them together. Go easy on yourself. It's as wrong to judge ourselves as to judge others.
But a dedication to being more charitable with difficult individuals is certainly an admirable goal.
Thanks for your reflections.
Dec '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Tom Paine
Paul A. Rahe
What did he do? He chose the other side in a war with his country, and he rode around with one of the figures directing that war. He was to Al Q'aeda what Tokyo Rose was to the Japanese in World War II. Had one of the bombs we dropped on Japan taken her out, would anyone have stood aghast in horror because she was an American citizen? I think not.
He gave aid and comfort to America's enemies. And don't believe for a second that had it been within his ability to do so, he wouldn't have done far worse.
Good riddance.
Aiding and abetting the enemies of the United States in a declared armed conflict, and exhorting readers to murder Americans. "The Constitution is not a suicide pact."
Unlike Al-Alwaki, Khan was not targeted by specific order. He died because he chose to be with the enemy.
Jun '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
I agree that we can all make better choices about who we reach out to and try to help, but there is only so much we can do. There are plenty of people who, despite being lonely and even ostracized, do not choose to hurt other people or side with those who do. On the other hand, the ostracized are much easier targets for recruiters.
May '11
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Paul A. Rahe
What did he do? He chose the other side in a war with his country, and he rode around with one of the figures directing that war. He was to Al Q'aeda what Tokyo Rose was to the Japanese in World War II. Had one of the bombs we dropped on Japan taken her out, would anyone have stood aghast in horror because she was an American citizen? I think not. · Oct 17 at 4:06pm
I believe Dr. Rahe is correct.
The question is who is a traitor and who is just a protester? Whether one is a liberal or a conservative seems to determine where the line is drawn.
Dr. Rahe's question about Tokyo Rose could also be asked of Jane Fonda. While a liberal may say that Tokyo Rose was definitely "the enemy" they still praise Hanoi Jane.
Aug '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Humza Ahmad
...And that's why I can't shake the feeling that had I only been able to be his friend...
I've never been a total loner. But I know something about growing up lonely and misfit, without that casual mastery of social skills that others just seem to be born with. (I was unusually polite, but being polite and having social skills aren't the same, especially among teenagers.)
True, youngsters often don't have the experience to know why they're misfits. And as you say, it's humiliatingly obvious when others are being "nice enough". But my own experience as a misfit teaches me that it's simply not reasonable to expect others to be able to befriend you until you can, at least to some degree, befriend them in a way that they can understand.
In short, it's nearly impossible to befriend someone severely deficient in social skills.
Some of us born socially tone-deaf learn through painful experience to make up for what we lack, and tragically, some of become unreachable. But others cannot beat themselves up over this.
Friendship has to be a two-way street. Else it isn't friendship.
Dec '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Pilli
Dr. Rahe's question about Tokyo Rose could also be asked of Jane Fonda. While a liberal may say that Tokyo Rose was definitely "the enemy" they still praise Hanoi Jane.
I don't believe that the US targeted Tokyo Rose for liquidation during WWII. Iva Ikuko Toguri, one of the "Tokyo Roses," was arrested after the fall of Japan, convicted of one count of anti-American propaganda, and sentenced to ten years in prison. She was later pardoned, her Japanese program managers having lied about the content of her broadcasts. (Notably, before and during her time on the radio, she smuggled food into POW camps for Allied prisoners.)
But had the US military fired a missile into the anti-aircraft gun Jane Fonda was sitting on while she was sitting on it, her death would have been simple collateral damage, not murder.
Aug '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
...But I don't mean to hector you, Humza. Just to add to the chorus telling you it's OK to forgive yourself.
And thank you for sharing.
Jul '10
Re: The Death of a Homegrown Al-Qaeda Propagandist
Thanks for sharing your reflections with us, Humza.