Story of My Life
I began my day yesterday, as you may recall, by interviewing His Serene Highness Prince Hans Adam II of Liechtenstein. I ended the day with my head in a toilet tank.
One of the kids heard the toilet running and running, and, after waiting until 10 PM, just before going to bed, decided to tell Dad. My first response? (After groaning and rolling my eyes, I mean.) To find the valve, turn off the water to the toilet, and send an email to the plumber. Seated at the computer, however, I recalled Bill McGurn's post about how he spent his weekend putting up bookshelves, repairing the fireplace, and fixing the electrical box outside the house. Reading Bill's post, I'd felt the usual guilt mixed with inadequacy that I always experience on hearing another man describe repairing his home, laying pipe, or changing his own oil. (George Savage bought a big old BMW for a mere ten grand, with the result that he has to spend every second weekend on his back, sliding around under the car, fixing it. Nothing makes him happier.) Determined to do my manly best, I spent 90 minutes--90 minutes!--looking at do-it-yourself sites online, then running down the hall to try this or that fix on the toilet, then running back to the computer to figure out why the fix didn't work.
The upshot? The water level needed to be reset, since the tank kept filling and filling--the sound of running water the kids detected was from the water running into the overflow pipe, a term I didn't know 12 hours ago. Was I able to reset the water level as necessary? No I was not. The water fill valve (another term I didn't know) turned out to be defective--shot, ruined, useless. (I'm sparing you the details. What I could tell you, because now I'm just brimming with information on the design and manufacture of toilets, is that the toilet in question was one of the last models in which American Standard used the "SmartValve 2000," a valve that's easy to use to reset the water level--as long as the valve is still working. Which, since the "SmartValve 2000" was badly designed in the first place--you should see the abusive language on chat boards--it often isn't. Opinion on the chat boards is unanimous. Anyone with a defective "SmartValve 2000" should replace it with a "Fluidmaster 400A." Whatever that is.)
The plumber is coming this morning.
I love you like a brother, Bill McGurn. But don't call me today.
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Comments :
Aug '10
Re: Story of My Life
I love the high-tech, ultra-modern, brand names given to toilet parts.
"SmartValve 2000"
"Fluidmaster 400A"
I have the sneaking suspicion that these parts were all named by the gang at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, or maybe Dewey Cheatham and Howe.
Jun '10
Re: Story of My Life
All right, soldier, get a grip; we need you in this fight. Now, follow me . . .
Once you have the water turned off, remove the tank top and put it on a soft towel out of the way somewhere. Don't drop it! Next, get a coffee can and bail out the tank. You will find a pair of nuts, one on each side of the tank (inner and outer), that secure the valve in place. Unscrew them and remove the valve. Always take the old part down to the parts store when buying a replacement. Check the new part for appropriate dimensions, especially the diameter of the pipe. Replace as per my instructions in reverse order. C'mon soldier, you can do this.
Jul '10
Re: Story of My Life
C'mon Peter. Listen to ~Paules.
Where's Yer Rugged Individualism and Self-Reliance?
Tell the plumber to take a hike.
Aug '10
Re: Story of My Life
Peter - Embrace the concept of the Division of Labor. It's easy: You promise to plumbers everywhere that you won't do your own plumbing. In return, they promise to never write political speeches.
Aug '10
Re: Story of My Life
Does that include "Joe the Plumber"?
May '10
Re: Story of My Life
Who was the actress who set up a beautiful setting for a suicide, gulped some pills, and was found with her head in the toilet? Lileks knows, though it's probably apocryphal.
May have been Chris Matthews.
Jul '10
Re: Story of My Life
Rob is gloating.
His Japanese toilet automatically emails diagnostics to the plumber.
And it Twitters, too.
Jul '10
Re: Story of My Life
OK:
Replacement toilet valve - $40
Tools to replace toilet valve - $20
Replacement of bathroom ceramic tile and rec room ceiling when the bolts are overtightened and crack the toilet tank - $2000
Rugged individualism and Self-Reliance - Priceless
Or:
Monthly cost of internet service to email plumber - $50 (YMMV)
Plumber service call - parts - $40
Plumber service call - labor - $150
Economic Stimulation and Domestic Peace - Priceless
Your call.
Oct '10
Re: Story of My Life
Peter, one must pay the price for wisdom. You made the investment in becoming educated, don't blow it by failing to take action. Take dominion over that toilet. Don't let it take dominion over you! You, Peter can do this thing. Or, stealing one of my favorite lines from the movie "Hook", "Come on daddy, mommie could do it!
Re: Story of My Life
You know what I'm going to say, Peter, don't you. You know that I'm going to tell you that your home-repair woes are as nothing compared to those I confront hourly in Istanbul. I'd elaborate, but I must urgently look for my snorkel and flippers.
Jun '10
Re: Story of My Life
Kenneth: Rob is gloating.
His Japanese toilet automatically emails diagnostics to the plumber.
And it Twitters, too. · Nov 10 at 8:06am
Of course, the plumber is in Yokohama, but still...
Sep '10
Re: Story of My Life
Peter, check out ExpertVillage on YouTube, it's the Uncommon Knowledge of toilet repairs.
Re: Story of My Life
Peter, I have a rather large hammer in the truck that I use for, uh, ...fine tuning. You're welcome to use it. It's cathartic, actually.
Re: Story of My Life
~Paules: All right, soldier, get a grip; we need you in this fight. Now, follow me . . .
Once you have the water turned off, remove the tank top and put it on a soft towel out of the way somewhere. Don't drop it! Next, get a coffee can and bail out the tank. You will find a pair of nuts, one on each side of the tank (inner and outer), that secure the valve in place. Unscrew them and remove the valve. Always take the old part down to the parts store when buying a replacement. Check the new part for appropriate dimensions, especially the diameter of the pipe. Replace as per my instructions in reverse order. C'mon soldier, you can do this. · Nov 10 at 7:55am
See, now, this is the point: You're getting to me, Paules, just the way Bill McGurn does, but I'm not going to let you. There's nothing wrong with calling the plumber--and I'm going to keep saying that to myself until I believe it.
Aug '10
Re: Story of My Life
Misthiocracy
Does that include "Joe the Plumber"? · Nov 10 at 8:05am
Heh.
Granted, the Division of Labor philosophy is not with its exceptions and flaws.
However, I've found that by adhering to the "DOL" way of life, I have managed to keep full use of all ten of my fingers (something that certainly would NOT have been the case had I ever toyed with a power saw).
Fortunately, living in Nashville, where virtually every skilled laborer longs to be a singer or a songwriter, my ability to eke out a living as a working musician trumps my inability to fix a toilet, thus preserving my sense of manliness.
It's a goofy system - but I'm sticking by it.
Re: Story of My Life
That's it! I'm embracing the division of labor. I'd rather follow Adam Smith than Bill McGurn and Paules any old day. Thanks, Songwriter, and thanks, Trepidis. (And, Peter Hintz, next time the McGurn-Paules impulse overwhelms me, I'll turn straight to Expert Village--next time.)
Sep '10
Re: Story of My Life
Ahh, at 69 all that macho stuff has gone. I love my plumber and my electrician and my etc etc. Take heart dude, you'll make it here.
Aug '10
Re: Story of My Life
Who says conservatives are cold and heartless!
Sep '10
Re: Story of My Life
I won't say I told you so.
Re: Story of My Life
Like to hear from the Ricochet women on handy or unhandy men.
I will say that Peter, you are giving up a good thing. There is no more rewarding place for a man than his home shop in the basement, where men are meant to be. There among my table saw, my router, my tools hanging in place on the pegboard, I am master. I put on my Johnny Cash, light up a cigar -- and *no one* comes down to bother me except maybe to tell me it's time for dinner. My girls don't even like stepping into my shop.