Spending the Holidays with Friends vs. Family
More than 40 percent of unmarried US residents under age 60 said they are more than happy to spend the holidays away from biological family and with friends, according to a recent study authored by Jamila Bookwala, a psychology professor at Lafayette College in Easton, Pa.
Although the high cost of airfares and gasoline may play a role for some people who spend the holidays away from their relatives, many more are kept away by a desire to avoid conflict, Bookwala says.
“The reason many of them were creating their own alternative families, though, is because while we love our families and they often bring us great joy, they are also often our biggest source of emotional stress,’’ she says. “And friends don’t come with as much emotional stress.’’
They don't? Really? In my experience, they come with roughly as much emotional stress as anyone else. Family, of course, have their own special kind of miserable joy, but what makes family family is that you can't un-family them, like you can un-friend someone on Facebook, or in real life. And that makes the irritations and irrationalities of your family so useful and instructive: you just have to live with them. You just have to figure out a way to suck it up.
But for people who spend the holidays with friends, there are options:
Adina Davies, 29, a Cambridge resident and Philadelphia native who is married, began observing the holidays with friends away from home when she was single a few years ago...
And her biological family? “We’ll be celebrating together on Skype,’’ Davies says, referring to the popular service that lets people make voice and video calls over the Internet.
Davies’s mother, Marty Manson, says she understands her daughter’s logic, even if it makes her a little sad.
“Would I like to see my daughters now? I would,’’ Manson says. “But their father and I understand that it is about priorities. I know they will be celebrating with friends. And as long as they’re with somebody, I’m comforted. It’s good to know that they have formed bonds with people they feel comfortable celebrating with.’’
Wow. That's a mom who knows how to spread the guilt. "Don't worry about me. I'll just sit here alone during the holidays. You go be with your friends."
Even though I don't know Ms. Davies or her mom, my guess is they'd both be better off if they spent a tense, awkward holiday together -- mom making veiled passive-aggressive comments to her daughter; her daughter over-reacting to every little thing -- and learning how to manage it all without ending up in the newspaper the next day. That's a real life lesson. And when in a few years Ms. Davies turns into a close copy of her mom -- which is inevitable -- at least she'll recognize herself. Which is reason enough to spend the holidays with family.
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Re: Spending the Holidays with Friends vs. Family
My first year away from home, I called my mother to make arrangements to come home for Thanksgiving. "Aren't you coming home for Christmas?" she asked. I was. "Then why would you come home for Thanksgiving, too?"
I was so devastated that I hung up the phone, cried, and vowed I would never spend another Thanksgiving with my parents. Which I haven't. Instead, I've traveled extensively around that time (airfare out of the country is so cheap on Thanksgiving) and developed traditions with friends.
And you know what is the worst part of the whole story? Just like with everything else she's ever told me, my mother was right! Why would I come home for Thanksgiving when flying thousands of miles a few weeks later? I hate how she's always right.
May '11
Re: Spending the Holidays with Friends vs. Family
Rob Long: From Boston.com:
And when in a few years Ms. Davies turns into a close copy of her mom -- which is inevitable -- at least she'll recognize herself. Which is reason enough to spend the holidays with family. ·
The likelihood is she WON'T recognize herself. Everyone else will, though.
Aug '10
Re: Spending the Holidays with Friends vs. Family
Kimberley
Rob Long: From Boston.com:
And when in a few years Ms. Davies turns into a close copy of her mom -- which is inevitable -- at least she'll recognize herself. Which is reason enough to spend the holidays with family. ·
The likelihood is she WON'T recognize herself. Everyone else will, though.
Well, maybe not. But at least if she spends time with her family after living away from them, the likelihood that she might recognize herself increases.
Midway through college I got seriously ill and had to take a medical leave and move back in with my parents while I got medical care. After having been away from my parents for two years, I was shocked to see how many bad habits they actually had, and to recognize that I had inherited most of them, simply because those habits were my baseline of "normalcy" as I was growing up.
My parents were good, well-meaning people. But I'm a happier, kinder person for knowing that I inherited bad habits from them along with the good, and striving to correct those bad habits in myself. That might never have happened if I hadn't been forced to spend time with them after living away from them.
Edited on Dec 27, 2011 at 10:13amMar '11
Re: Spending the Holidays with Friends vs. Family
Your post reminds me that I must go thank God for having such a wonderful loving family. I love every minute I spend with them and would be devastated if I couldn't spend the holidays with them.
I've never picked up the cultural cues that lead me to believe my family is in any way dysfunctional and find it terribly sad that those cues exist.
Nov '10
Re: Spending the Holidays with Friends vs. Family
I think perhaps one should be a little careful in projecting the notion that one's way of doing things is the only way of doing things Rob.The last unmarried offspring of mine is 21, and he spent Christmas day working on the other side of the country (where he has been since graduating HS 4 years ago January). He called between dog team runs, and you could hear that happy pride of accomplishment when talking about that, or passing another wilderness guide qualification course, and even his goofball border collie.To me the fact that he's out there exploring the world and making it his own is far more important than sitting around a Christmas tree, stuffed and bored. Especially when so many of his contemporaries are still directionless.
Of course that may be simply our family tradition; it's been common for young adults in my family to strike out on their own as soon as they can. I still have fond memories of my first Christmas away - I was 19, and spent the holiday with a young, non-English speaking, Mexican family in Tucson, eating spaghetti with the hottest sauce ever. It was wonderful.
Nov '11
Re: Spending the Holidays with Friends vs. Family
My armchair psychology theory, maybe a bit over-blown and over-influenced by my present personal circumstances, is that the contemporary urge to escape family is a manifestation of an inability to accept our humanity, more precisely an inability to accept our mortality, which is almost the same thing.
Family gatherings of the generations, fresh babies, curious toddlers, awakening children, clumsy adolescents, vigorous youth, adults in their prime, declining middle-agers, decrepit oldsters, remind us we are confined to a brief cycle of life and death.
In this era of the communal fantasy of eternal adolescence, the reminder of our mortality can confuse us and dispose us to anger toward . . . we know not exactly what--and so, toward of those who remind us.
Jun '11
Re: Spending the Holidays with Friends vs. Family
Having to deal with the "quasimoto" family members at holidays is part of the development of moving up in life in whatever endeavor you choose. You gotta get along.
You may be the odd one to Cousin It.
Hang in there, I say. It may teach you something.
Great post Rob.
Edited on Dec 27, 2011 at 5:59pmApr '11
Re: Spending the Holidays with Friends vs. Family
I think Astonishing touched on an important element here.
Perhaps the level of ones desire to be with family during the emotionally charged Christmas season is a measure of a particular family's affinity for sharing emotional intimacy.
As Astonishing's observations imply - our multi-generational family associations create unavoidable encounters with time's passage as at Christmas we note the changes, the missing faces; we revisit the ache of those long gone and, if we're lucky, evoke smiles and laughter with shared memories.
Babies or toddlers and bright blooming adolescents leave us giddy with their beauty and energy . . . and painfully aware of our place so much further along on the journey than they.
It can be sobering and elating. Both at once.
That's what a family Christmas provides.
It's a heady, challenging holiday which, given different family circumstances, some may choose to pass on.
Jan '11
Re: Spending the Holidays with Friends vs. Family
I disagree with Rob Long; Crap! I must be wrong. Rob speaks knowingly of family dynamics which seem squishy by nature. I must rethink.my eggnog mixture.