Soccer Is Boring
The f-folks at FIFA are dissing the US, saying the World Cup doesn't need our support. My response has the elegance of brevity but is unprintable. The left has been trying to shove this god-awful sport down our throats forever, as one of its more underhanded assaults on American exceptionalism. They've polluted our schools with it so we'll have a stake in it through our children. And it stinks. No one ever scores--which is unAmerican right there--and if God hadn't meant us to throw, he wouldn't have given us hands. And the way sportswriters keep reassuring us how "athletic" it is, as if that will take our minds off the fact that it's also foreign and effeminate. I mean, ballet dancers are athletic, but look how they dress! And what's with the chequered ball? I hate this game.
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Re: Soccer Is Boring
Doubtless, Andrew, the revolutionary vanguard has known from the beginning that without soccer there are no soccer moms, and without soccer moms there are no Barbara Boxers.
On the other hand, my kiss-off to FIFA is brief and printable -- if not very elegant: I learned to love soccer years ago, while working 12-hour days (with an hour for lunch) as an attorney grunt, and I will keep on loving it, my US citizenship notwithstanding.
Long boring stretches of soccer there may be -- the reactionary vanguard invented beer to solve this -- but nothing is more boring than internationalists who seem to love soccer primarily because it suggests the US is irrelevant to something, anything. Bad news, snobs: whether or not the World Cup needs US support, it's getting it -- whether you like it or whether you don't.
Re: Soccer Is Boring
Drew, I find your post very hurtful. Say no to hate speech!
I hate to sound like a giant Euro-wuss, but the only thing worse than a soccer bore, to me, is a baseball bore. And I like baseball -- I like to watch it live, on TV, in a bar. But I'm bored senseless by people talking about stats. And I like soccer -- I like to watch it live, on TV, in a bar -- but it helps to imagine that the checkered ball they're kicking around is a human head.
Maybe that's just me.
But I wouldn't worry about our kids being brainwashed -- have you ever seen a kids' soccer game? They all pile on the ball -- nobody plays any positions -- and in the end, the soggy, politically correct adults who run the show declare that "everyone is a winner!" No wonder American kids prefer real sports, like baseball and Ultimate Fighting.
Re: Soccer Is Boring
Finally someone speaks the truth. I have always associated soccer with unstable statist regimes. Think about it. The most useful parts of the human body for handling a ball are your hands.And of course soccer rules prevent one from using one's hands. Is that not a metaphor for Europe, Latin America, etc.
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
I love your article, Drew! I live in one of the biggest (if not the biggest) soccer towns in America and I hate soccer, my boys hate soccer and I refuse to make them participate in it. The locals say I'm committing child abuse...Ha! Here's my proof that I'm right! And, I like your sneaky "f", you renegade.
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
As a Goalie in High School in the states and a midfielder in Brussels before - many, many decades ago, I can not joing you in your antipathy for the game. I enjoy the World Cup. As a Yank living in Britain, I will be watching the Saturday game for the possibility of the sheer joy inherent in an upset. brits are the worst fans in the world and I would truly love walking into the office Monday if we win.
Should an upset take place and the USA win, check out the Times or Telegraph on Sunday for the caustic rejection of their team!
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
Soccer is boring. It's low scoring, like hockey, but without all the Canadians or the fistfights. The ball gets kicked around the midfield for most of the game and...yawn...I'm already falling asleep just thinking about it.
Baseball is the great Democratic sport. Every player fields, every player hits (unless you hold to the ignoble idea of the designated hitter). In soccer, only the goalie can hold the ball, and the defenders never get a chance to get in on the scoring action.
Plus, I'm not aware of riots and stabbings at baseball games, unlike soccer.
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
I used to think soccer was peculiar, too, until one of my children played for 13 years.
What I grew to appreciate was that, without the hands, the brain engages to move the body and ball.
Precisely because it IS so difficult to score on a worthy opponent, the moment of a goal is much sweeter.
I was always thankful to be outdoors, even if steaming or freezing -- not stuck inside a noisy, stinky gym.
A kiddo who wants to work that hard makes it fun to be a soccer mom.
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
John Boyer: Baseball is the great Democratic sport.
John - Do you really intend for that to be an uppercase "D"? If that were the case, then I'd expect every player to get a single, regardless of whether they homered or struck out. Errors would be called something more innocuous -- say, "performance anomalies" -- and would be immediately overturned. As no team could win or lose, the sport would wither and die. Out with Mickey Mantle, in with Harrison Bergeron.
Re: Soccer Is Boring
I have to side with Andrew on this one, though I must admit that my daughter was one tough customer at soccer. (Whenever she would twirl her hair, it was a prelude to kicking yonder ball down someone's throat.) But for sheer excitement, I offer college football. And for unmatched adrenaline and nonstop breathtaking exhilaration that would make Chris Matthews pass out, come to Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge on a Saturday night.
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
The beauty of soccer is the pace. It's like basketbal without all the stops for penalties and played outside like all sports should be. And, as in any good American sport, players come home with bruises.
Of course, "football" is the term used to describe a nation's greatest passtime. Only in America could chess be combined with agility and violence to create the ultimate game of war. Half strategy, half tactics, and all ours.
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
Ottoman Umpire
John Boyer: Baseball is the great Democratic sport.
John - Do you really intend for that to be an uppercase "D"? If that were the case, then I'd expect every player to get a single, regardless of whether they homered or struck out. Errors would be called something more innocuous -- say, "performance anomalies" -- and would be immediately overturned. As no team could win or lose, the sport would wither and die. Out with Mickey Mantle, in with Harrison Bergeron. · Jun 10 at 9:29am
And the umpires would play double duty as cheerleaders for the Blue Team.
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
One of the greatest things about baseball is that every single thing that happens has significance and can be recorded on the scoresheet, leading to an enormous amount of statistics that allows you to compare players and teams, and you end up with all kinds of subgames and records to be set and broken. In soccer the entire game is sort of random and wishy-washy, and barely anything has significance on the scoresheet.
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
Our younger daughter played one season of co-ed soccer in middle school, and that is how we all knew that she was destined eternally for a life in academia.
When they would put her in (after the game was out of reach), she would run for the ball- but if someone from the other team came up to it as well, she would back off and say "Excuse me!"
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
John Boyer: It's...like hockey, but without all the Canadians or the fistfights. · Jun 10 at 9:14am
My first exposure to soccer was when I was 15 years old at a game in Mexico. The fans in the stadium broke into mass fist fighting, joined shortly afterward by the players. One moment I was bored, the next I was running for my life. I hadn't been that scared since someone's prized bull escaped at the Minnesota State Fair and chased me through the parking lot. It gave me a new appreciation for Bull Fighting and a morbid fascination with the runners in Pamplona.
Re: Soccer Is Boring
There's no doubt that some serious emotional projection is going on in the soccer world. Without these endless games, where and how would this mass fury release itself? The boring stretches ironically amp up the crowds, which spend huge stretches of time bellowing out chants and whipping themselves into a compensatory frenzy. On the other hand, some sequences that seem boring to American audiences are actually gripping, protracted struggles, like a football game played entirely in the red zone. I'm pretty sure I'd much rather watch the World Cup on TV than see it in person.
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
Duane Oyen: Our younger daughter played one season of co-ed soccer in middle school, and that is how we all knew that she was destined eternally for a life in academia.
When they would put her in (after the game was out of reach), she would run for the ball- but if someone from the other team came up to it as well, she would back off and say "Excuse me!" · Jun 10 at 10:09am
I played a game of co-ed touch football once when I was probably around the same age and one of the boys cleaned my clock. I don't like any sport where I get hit...so, I limited myself to track, softball and tennis. Although, during college I was playing with my 180 pound Newfoundland in the park by my back yard once. At a dead run, he crossed in front of my legs and took me out. The neighbor guys thought my launch through the air was the coolest football move they'd ever seen. But, nothing compares to the time my Irish Wolfhound and I collided. Big dogs are awesome, but getting plowed into by one is not fun.
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
James Poulos: There's no doubt that some serious emotional projection is going on in the soccer world. Without these endless games, where and how would this mass fury release itself? The boring stretches ironically amp up the crowds, which spend huge stretches of time bellowing out chants and whipping themselves into a compensatory frenzy. On the other hand, some sequences that seem boring to American audiences are actually gripping, protracted struggles, like a football game played entirely in the red zone. I'm pretty sure I'd much rather watch the World Cup on TV than see it in person. · Jun 10 at 11:06am
It's funny how I can spend so much time on the edge of my seat waiting for a bunch of giant football players to move ten feet. What I don't get is how anyone can think bass fishing is a spectator sport.
Re: Soccer Is Boring
A confession. I lived in England for seven years (wait, that's not it). How desperate was I for sports to watch? I once read an entire book on the rules of cricket. When I was done, I not only couldn't understand cricket, I'd forgotten how to play baseball. Finally, I began watching soccer on TV. Just a little at first. I told myself I could handle it. But soon, I was cheering for near-misses and admiring the way grown men moved their feet. Near misses! Their feet, for heaven's sake! I knew I'd hit rock bottom when I heard the phrase "beautiful game," come out of my mouth. Crikey, I thought, do you want to become an Englishman? Have you any idea the sorts of things those people do to each other??? I still shudder to think of it. Enough said. A word to the wise is sufficient.
May '10
Re: Soccer Is Boring
James Poulos
There's no doubt that some serious emotional projection is going on in the soccer world. Without these endless games, where and how would this mass fury release itself? · Jun 10 at 11:06am
I used to know an El Salvadoran who swore they once went to war with Guatemala (or was it Honduras?) over a soccer game.
Andrea Ryan
It's funny how I can spend so much time on the edge of my seat waiting for a bunch of giant football players to move ten feet. What I don't get is how anyone can think bass fishing is a spectator sport. · Jun 10 at 11:13am
Exactly my thoughts on baseball. There's not enough strategy and visceral action to excuse so much downtime. Golf is worse.
Re: Soccer Is Boring
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