Sharing the UN With the World
Now that President Obama has announced the U.S. has officially ceded its foreign policy to other countries, I think it’s also time we share the honor of hosting the United Nations with the rest of the world. While it’s likely to be an expensive proposition, the costs would be more than balanced by the benefits of having its member states experience the hospitality of other countries. There are several ways to arrange things, but I would humbly suggest a quadrennial move based on any of the following plans:
1. Alphabetically. The main problem is the first move would be to Afghanistan, but perhaps we could exempt war-torn nations from the plan. That would be good news for Albania.
2. Olympics. Since various cities are always bidding to host the Olympics, it might be nice to throw in the UN as an added bonus, since the winning countries will be building new roads and facilities anyway.
3. Lottery. Imagine ESPN and sports networks from other nations televising a big production with lottery-style ping pong balls being pulled out of a Plexiglas drum by a Mideast despot. Now that’s entertainment!
4. Secret Ballot. UN Representatives would vote on where they would rather spend the next four years. The risk, of course, is that the organization would never leave New York City.
5. Competition. I can see an American Idol-type stage on which representatives from member nations would sing, and judges would critique their work, with the winner bringing home the UN and a recording contract.
There are all sorts of other possibilities, but the main thing is the United Nations would become truly international. Besides which, those members who have been critical of the United States would finally get the chance to escape this terrible place and enjoy the rest of the world. So, Au Revoir. Ciao. Adios. Or, as they say in Albania, Pacim.
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Jan '11
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
It could be set up so that the UN's headquarters are automatically relocated to the home country of the sitting Secretary General. Because the assembly would never vote for an American citizen we could rest assured that the UN would never again disgrace our soil with its presence.
At least until they vote for Bill Clinton. So maybe the UN Idol scheme might be a better idea.
Edited on Mar 29, 2011 at 6:25amMay '10
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
Let's make it a bidding war. The nation/warlord/pirate king that pays the most dues gets to host the UN. This system is fair, would provide a low-hanging deficit reduction opportunity for us, and would have the extra added bonus advantage of reducing the UN budget to practically zero.
Aug '10
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
Pat,
If you're thinking about hosting that lottery skit, then might I suggest Veena Malik as the lovely hostess ?
She'll need the money, and the cover.
Edited on Mar 29, 2011 at 6:26amAug '10
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
We should insist that the New Islamic Caliphate take over the hosting duties. The Islamists have announced that the future is theirs, so clearly it's time for them to step out and hold their banner high. A huge new Arab-financed headquarters in Riyadh would be fantastic. Absent all the distractions of New York City - booze, babes, and weather under 110 degrees - they'll be able to get their paper-shuffling, graft, and posturing work done in record time.
If the Arabs or UN lounge lizards decline, Shanghai would be a good second choice. It's quite the showplace when the smog clears - once or twice a month. And the freeway system! Wow! So many cars!
I hear the bullet trains are good. They really whiz along. Not sure where, though.
Jun '10
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
Send them where ever the largest concentration their "peace keeping" forces are. That puts them in one of these places.
Jun '10
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
Reverse Alphabetical Order. There are two good reasons: (1) as a person whose last name begins with "S," I'm sick and tired of the stupid "A's" always getting to go first (it has to be racism or some other "ism" to always let them go first--yes, six decades of this has made be resentful) and (2) this will give us a chance to destroy the UN early in the process--Robert Mugabe of Zimbabwe has eviscerated what was once the breadbasket of Africa and turned his people into paupers; if the UN moved to Harare I think we could pretty well write it off as an organization--no one would go there.
Edited on Mar 29, 2011 at 7:34amSep '10
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
Linda and I lived in Midtown NYC for several years, and every Friday afternoon, while the UN was in session, we'd watch in simple wonder as various armored columns of black Suburbans full of NYPD Protection Detail cops holding their HK MP Fives, headed and tailed by two NYPD cruisers with lights flashing and sirens going, all of them protecting one lonely stretch limo, the whole noisy and massively expensive caravan butting its way north through the impossible traffic jam going up First past our hotel (The Beekman) and only because they had to get, for reasons never made clear to we slack-jawed yokels, The Second Undersecretary For Pork Renewal And Slum-Lord Management for Ouagadougou (that's OOH-wah-GAH-doo-goo) back to La Guardia in time for his First Class flight back to - Hell, ANYWHERE but OOH-wah-GAH-doo-goo! No wonder these guys love the UN gig in midtown.
God knows I would! Well said, Pat!
(BY the way, I vote for San Francisco. They could use Nancy Pelosi's ego for a squash court!)
Jun '10
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
No...I think a permanent location is fine. I was thinking of Antarctica.
Jun '10
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
I claim dibs on a river view condo when the UN property is converted into housing units. Nice park, too. And I'd leave up all the pretty flags.
Jun '10
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
To the moon, Alice. Pow! Zing!
We'll never be rid of the UN. Because as much as the world hates us, the USA is where they want to be.
Oct '10
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
San Fransico deserves and would be a good place for the UN... Then turn the current building into a night club and cat house, Dubai style...
Then tax the actvity, NY would be out of debt in short order... There has to be some irony in that...
May '10
Re: Sharing the UN With the World
I thought your last name began with R. Just like mine begins with U.
The UN was actually started in San Francisco -- at the opera house. So it would be like returning back to the womb.
Pat Sajak:
3. Lottery. Imagine ESPN and sports networks from other nations televising a big production with lottery-style ping pong balls being pulled out of a Plexiglas drum by a Mideast despot. Now that’s entertainment!
No wheel? Say it's not so!