Seven Cats and One Refugee
As of about half an hour ago, I became the reluctant caretaker of a gay Iranian refugee. I'll call him Aziz. It's not his real name, but this guy is real, not the perfervid Twitter-fantasy of a 40-year-old college student in Georgia. He lives with me now until I can figure out what to do with him.
I've known him for a while and I want to help him, but unfortunately since he's a real gay Iranian refugee, not some Western fantasy of an Iranian refugee, I see as remote the chances of my convincing him to take any kind of initiative to support himself beyond showing up on my doorstep emaciated, in tears, and flat broke.
When I first met him I took some notes on his story; I meant to write about it but never got the time. This is just the beginning, but you'll get the idea.
Aziz X, Born 1982, Tabriz
Mother died when I was 18. 2 sisters, 1 brother. She couldn't help me or my sister. I was very far from my father. I fear if I call him he will be hurt. My big problem was my family, their beliefs about me. They say I am a sissy, "You're not strong enough for this life." Sometimes they are angry at me, sometimes frightened for me. They thought I should marry a woman and live like other guys.
After my mother died, six months later, my father remarried with another woman whose husband had an illegal job, or something like that. She was always angry. They didn't accept us. My father said, "You can't come home." My mother and I always had problems with my father. He always told my mother, "You made Aziz gay. You kept him in the kitchen with yourself."
My mother's sister's husband didn't accept me. He said, "We can't keep him in the house. He can't sleep here."
I rented a small house in the other street. A very small house with nothing. My brother came in the house. He stayed because he couldn't smoke in my father's house. I worked in a pharmacy. My father worked in a carpet bazaar with his friends. But my brother and I were totally different. I was working with a doctor and his assistant. One night, after a few months, the doctor said, "You can't work here." His young assistant said, "He can stay here, the customers like him and he's beautiful." But the doctor said, "We don't look for beautiful gays." I was really depressed. That night I wanted to kill myself. I couldn't pay rent. I had nothing. I told my brother the next day.
He said, "I knew this. You're just a sissy boy. You'll never have anything in life." He broke everything I had, from my friends, from shopping, and left the house.
In the army, I was working for two old generals. They knew that I was cleaning every day, and they didn't want to give me to another part of the military. I didn't go to Tabriz for three months. I was in Isfahan. After two years, my problems started again. My family expected from me marriage and work.
After the military, I went for five months to a chocolate company to work as a processor. First they sent me to one part, I had problems with people there because they were abusive. They sent me to a different part of the company. After 7-8 months of working there, I was working 12 hours a day, two guys there they told me that they were very curious about my life. "Where do you live? How do you live?" They wanted to know my secret life, I guess. One of them was my boss. One of the mechanics there, 3-4 years older than me, wanted to make contact with me, but I couldn't, because I knew he knew too many people. He took me from my house to my company, he was talking to other people about me -- "Aziz doesn't have a girlfriend." He wanted to come to my house, he asked.
I lost that job, too. After that job, I decided to get an education from a special institution. Maybe I could get a different job. I spent money for that.
I had so many problems with my brother, also. He was never responsible. He paid for nothing. My brother had a knife, very sharp, from the kitchen. He stabbed me in the leg. He got angry about my life. "You're not religious, you're not this and that." We had this discussion. He is very religious. Three times a day, when he was praying, I didn't pray. Always he was angry. I told him, several times, "I don't want to pray like you." And then one time he stabbed me. He just got angry. He didn't understand what he was doing. Whenever he got angry, he would break something. I was always afraid of his temper.
After that, I finished some course in the institute. It was a new company. They never gave us money. I was young there, they said I could work for a percentage. That caused another problem with my brother. He said, "You just spend money, and lose everything."
I had a boyfriend in the building. At night sometimes we were there. A guard reported us to my boss. The guard was a retired military person. My boss said, "We're finished with you." They were gossiping with my father, my sister. Every day they were talking about me. I went 1 1/2 years without work. These were the last years before I left Iran. I had a job as a web designer, with skills I'd learned in Dreamweaver, Photoshop, HTML, ASP.
I have refugee status here, but no right to work.
I had two boyfriends. Hadi, a bank employee, in another city. I was with him one year. After that, Sassan. It was getting dangerous for me. I understood my brother's mind. I was with Hadi in a hotel, with Sassan in his house. My brother and my uncle's son wondered what I was doing, who my friends were. My father asked my brother about me.
I stopped taking notes there--I don't remember why--but it goes on; it gets worse. Long story short, he's on my doorstep and the alternative to my apartment isn't a really tasteful, classic wedding in the Hamptons.
I don't have it in me to send him back out on the street to do whatever he's been doing lately in exchange for a place to sleep. This one is real, not fiction, not making up a word except to change his name--I can produce him if anyone's in doubt, though I suspect it's best for him if I don't--and it looks like he'll be sleeping on my couch for the rest of eternity unless one of you has a better solution, because I can't think of one.
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Dec '10
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
Can he do remote Web work for an employer in or outside of Turkey? It would have to be "under the table," since he hasn't got a work permit, but if he were working for a firm outside Turkey, perhaps that would be technically legal. Other than that, he's got to get to a country that will grant him asylum. Maybe Canada or Germany, where the economy is doing better.
Oct '10
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
It sounds like he'll be fine once he finds a stable environment where he doesn't have to worry about losing work. Once he finds a situation where he can have a career and feel safe, he won't have a problem supporting himself.
What normally happens in this situation is to get a low-level service job somewhere and work ones way up to a management position. I've met lots of gay people who did that; for some reason, many gay males are extremely good at management jobs in the service sector.
However, for that to work there can't be a risk of getting thrown out by people intruding into his personal life.
In addition, so long as he has Internet access he can develop a career with web services. Unfortunately that tends to be unpredictable.
Nov '10
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
Best of luck. I bet you already know this is probably not going to end well for you.
Nov '10
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
does he speak English?
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
He's got refugee status here, and the application for asylum is working its way through a paperwork labyrinth. His web skills are obsolete, I think--I've just been asking him about that, and trying to get a clearer picture of what he really knows how to do; my sense is that he doesn't have truly marketable skills. The main problem is that this is reality, not a happy-refugee-story. No matter what doors I try to open for him, I doubt he'll be able to figure out how to walk through them.
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
Not well. His first language is Azeri, though, so at least he's fine in Turkish.
Aug '10
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
Claire Berlinski, Ed.
Not well. His first language is Azeri, though, so at least he's fine in Turkish. · Jun 25 at 9:03am
Can he read any English?
Because even if you don't speak a language well, if you have certain minimal competency reading it, you can immensely improve your language skills by reading a lot in that language. (A bilingual dictionary is indispensable for this.)
Claire, if this is the case for him, he could improve his English right away by reading your books. (This could at least give him something to do until y'all think of something better.) Unless I'm wrong in guessing that English would be a marketable skill for him...
You do have a lot of books, right? I mean, crazy cat ladies usually do ;-)
Mar '11
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
Claire,
1) This is an awful tragedy. What a hard life of fear, alienation, struggle, and loneliness for this man. Truly something that we fail to contemplate in the modern West. Awfully good of you to take him in, given the risks to both you and him. Today, given your posting, Ricochet rallied to his cause. If there is anything we can do, especially those of us living abroad in Europe, let us know.
2) Please do not stop taking notes and posting for us. I know this can seem like the exploitation of the story of an innocent. I cannot absolve you of that feeling, which I have also had, in my observations and travels. Nevertheless, the fact is that his story stands for many tyrannized and enslaved Iranians and too few of their stories occupy our time. Get his permission, of course, but it is important that we dispel the myths and sophisms of the contemporary West with regard to simple-minded multi-culturalism.
Nov '10
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
If the Turkish economy is anything like the American one, I would try to see if he could get some work as a restaurant delivery boy or dishwasher.
Feb '11
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
I'm adding you both to my daily prayers, Claire.
In my experience, one of the most important things in keeping charity for people who aren't prepared to walk through the doors you open for them is not to get frustrated with them and their weaknesses. But that's just my experience.
Aug '10
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
Golly, this isn't such a bad idea.
Aziz mentioned his mother was mocked for allowing him to "spend too much time in the kitchen" as a child. This could mean he has kitchen skills of some sort.
The restaurant industry is hardly a stable environment, but maybe there's some truth to the stereotype that it's more open to gays, even in Turkey?
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
"...whatever you have done to the least of these, you have done to me." But to live out these words entails tremendous and life changing risks. My prayers are with you both.
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
Among other challenges here, the Turkish government insists on resettling refugees throughout the country--they don't want them all in Istanbul. So for random periods of time, he has to return and register with the police in a smaller city and then wait for them to stamp the papers for him to come back to Istanbul. No possibility at all, I gather, of finding work in that smaller city.
Sep '10
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
Claire - is resettlement to Israel even a remote possibility?
Nov '10
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
If I'm not mistaken, things are trending in Turkey such that his long-term prospects there are not good. He may be in danger if his secrets get out. He may have better chances in Israel or Europe. The Iranians I know here (Winnipeg) say there's a need for a good Persian restaurant. I agree. There are many Iranians here, and many who know and love Persian cuisine (count me in). Sounds like he has a flair for cooking, and some of the basic requisite skills for starting up a business. Getting him refugee status might be possible, but if he's currently in a stable position, why put him through that -- how about legal immigration into a western country?
As I posted in another thread yesterday I'm not big on "gay marriage", but I don't think the multiple-boyfriend scenario described is healthy for anyone, on any assumptions. And it's life-threatening anywhere in the Arab world. I would encourage anyone in his situation to pursue a stable life-partner, or be content with celibacy. Get centered and avoid wallowing in "couldabeens". Rise above circumstance.
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
Golly, this isn't such a bad idea.
Aziz mentioned his mother was mocked for allowing him to "spend too much time in the kitchen" as a child. This could mean he has kitchen skills of some sort.
The restaurant industry is hardly a stable environment, but maybe there's some truth to the stereotype that it's more open to gays, even in Turkey? · Jun 25 at 10:22am
He does have cooking skills. He's a good cook. Someone on Facebook suggested this site, too, which is a good idea. He's looking through it now.
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
Well, no. But Turkey's an oasis of tolerance compared to Iran. The "gay" part isn't really the issue, now that he's here. The "refugee" part is a big issue--not having the legal right to work, having to go back and forth to Smalltown X to satisfy the legal requirement that he do so, having no family here. I think he's much better off here than in Europe or North America, though--remember, he speaks Turkish, or Azeri, which is kind of like Turkish with a Klingon accent.
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
His secrets are out-out-out. He didn't flee to Turkey just to live in the closet. But at this point I think "stable relationship" is lower on my list of concerns for him than "food, shelter, and a job." We can worry about his love life later.
Nov '10
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
My heart goes out to both of you.
Sep '10
Re: Seven Cats and One Refugee
It sounds to me that you're concerned he doesn't have the ability to take care of himself in any situation, the gay part being more a reflection of that internal issue than the external problems at hand. If that's the case, my advice is to heed that instinct and be true to yourself in addressing him as to what you are and are not willing to do. Set boundaries for his expectations, especially if you suspect that he has a romantic notion of you as privileged or as a woman (i.e., bound to care for him; being gay doesn't mean he's not necessarily a chauvinist). From my experience with these kinds of situations, it's better for the giver to be strong and stick to her limits. He should be appreciative of whatever you do and be willing to follow your lead, not expect you to care for his every need. That's my opinion, anyway, and I wish you the best. If there's anything I/we can do ...