This sort of nonsense makes you sputter:
An athletic and academic standout in Lee County said a lunchbox mix-up has cut short her senior year of high school and might hurt her college opportunities.
Ashley Smithwick, 17, of Sanford, was suspended from Southern Lee High School in October after school personnel found a small paring knife in her lunchbox .
Smithwick said personnel found the knife while searching the belongings of several students, possibly looking for drugs.
The lunchbox really belonged to Joe Smithwick, who packs a paring knife to slice his apple. He and his daughter have matching lunchboxes.
The “chief school resource officer” for the school says she “couldn’t comment on the case,” adding “shut up and raise my pay.” Okay, I added that last part. At first the school suspended her for ten days, then thought long and deep on the matter and banned her for the rest of the school year. This month she was charged with weapons possession. Excellent work, folks. You avoided a Columbine-style mass-paring with your quick thinking, and a grateful city is forever in your debt. Mostly because of your pension obligations, but for this, too.
Related: You may have heard of the kids in Virginia who were punished for handing out candy canes. One was allegedly told by an administrator that “candy canes are weapons because you can sharpen them with your mouth and stab people with them." But here's the best quote of all from a pinch-faced ubergrinch in the head office:
Mother Kathleen Flannery said an administrator called her and explained "not everyone wants Christmas cheer. That suicide rates are up over Christmas, and that they should keep their cheer to themselves, perhaps."
I’m surprised the administrator didn’t praise the upticks in suicide, since it would decrease the surplus population. (Pre-conversion Scrooge, with his stingy use of coal and concerns over population, really was something of a proto-Green.)
Administrators: the sand in the gears of the educational system, and just as numberless. In my high school we had a principal, a vice-principal, a “counselor” for each grade, and two nice office ladies. Now we have a “chief school resource officer,” which implies the existence of lesser school resource officers. You could eliminate 90% of the administrators, leave the office ladies alone, and no one would notice anything had changed. Except for the number of Starbucks employees who insisted on being called "chief bean pulverization officer."