Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
One of my best friends was born with a hyphenated name. A hyphenated name that goes back many centuries, that is. She couldn't wait to get rid of it upon marriage. Another friend, a deeply religious woman, mind you, retained her maiden name when she got married. I changed mine, but I didn't realize how difficult it would be. For one thing, I absolutely loved my maiden name (Ziegler) and was quite proud of it. For another, the bureaucracy surrounding a changed name is made even more difficult when you live in Washington, D.C. I told people my name was Hemingway for about three years before I actually changed it.
The New York Times has an article about what happens when you're raging against the patriarchal machine using last names. It goes through various feminist groupings and lesbian pairings and how folks have decided on names. We begin with the story author explaining the limited benefits of growing up with a manufactured hyphenated name. And then the downside:
The problem, of course, is that this naming practice is unsustainable. (Growing up, I constantly fielded the question, “What will you do if you marry someone else with two last names? Will your kids have four names?”) Like many of the baby boomers’ utopian impulses, it eventually had to run up against practical constraints.
We hear from a Planned Parenthood attorney who wasn't sure what combination of names to give her son. Some hyphenated males took different routes to naming their children. My favorite, though, is the invented last name. So a woman named Cora Stubbs-Dame and her female partner, surnamed Jeyapalan, created a new name -- Jeyadame -- when they brought a child into their union. They crowdsourced the name, by the way. On Facebook.
The Oregonian once ran a front-page story about a celebrity chef couple divorcing. Their surname, Hebberoy, was their own creation. One was a Hebb. One was a Pomeroy. I think he went back to his old name and she went back to her hers. That will show the man! Their child may have kept the new name.
I know names are a sensitive topic, but what strikes me about deviating from the conventional practice is how shortsighted and arrogant it is. I don't much care if you're from a culture that carries the mother's name down or the father's name. I do think we should be respectful of the practice of giving kids a name that connects them with their ancestors.
One interesting statistic from the article was that only 6% of married women do something other than take their husband's name ("meaning they kept their birth names, hyphenated with their husbands’ names, or pulled a Hillary Rodham Clinton").
It is interesting, though, that this hyphenated craze that began with Boomers died such a quick death. The kicker to this article speaks volumes about disrespecting both your ancestors and your children:
What did our parents expect us to do when we reached this stage of our lives? They trusted it would all work out somehow. As Ms. Segal-Reichlin’s parents told her, “We figured that was your problem.”
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Jan '11
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
My sister did not legally take her husband's name but has no problem being addressed by it. Their adopted daughter has our last name as middle name (a family tradtion, surnames as middle names) and her father's as her surname.
I do have a couple of friends who do not, even socially, want to be addressed as "Mrs. Hislastname." A nightmare addressing Christmas and invitations!
Jun '11
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
Thanks for the post, Mollie. Names are an important way of binding the family. I am going through a divorce after 17 years of marriage and my attorney asked if wanted to go ahead and change my name back to my maiden name. While the idea holds some appeal, the overriding thought I had was how I would feel somehow separated from my children. I suppose if I ever decide to remarry, I will have to consider the hyphen.
May '10
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
Hyphenated or not, a married couple should share a surname. Marriage is fundamentally public, not private. It joins two people into one family for both public and private purposes.
One family, one name.
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
A couple months ago I stumbled upon this article, which I found a little troubling:
Are Women Paying the Price for Taking Their Husband's Name?
Aug '10
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
Mr. and Mrs. Awesome!
May '10
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
Two friends recently asked me to marry them. So, after filing the form and paying the fee that licensed me for one day as a "Deputy Commissioner", we did the deed. They chose to create a new last name. His was Holl, hers was Andem, theirs is Holland. And we had fun with it, too. No one except the couple and me knew this. After the ceremony, "Ladies and gentlemen, I present Mr. and Mrs. Holl," exit music starts then is waved off. Bride confers with me, then, "Ladies and gentlemen, I present Mr. and Mrs. Andem," exit music starts then is waved off. Groom confirms with me, then bride joins in the discussion, all nod in agreement. Finally, "Ladies and gentlemen, I present Mr. and Mrs. Holland.". Thn everyone went out and rode off to the reception on their Harleys. Turns out, in California, a marriage license is apparently the only easy way to create a legal name change. But it is VERY easy for both bride and groom. Just put down the new name and start using it.
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
Diane Ellis, Ed.: A couple months ago I stumbled upon this article, which I found a little troubling:
Are Women Paying the Price for Taking Their Husband's Name? · Nov 25 at 9:04am
Diane, that is some of the shoddiest reporting I've seen in a while. I have no trouble believing that there is a correlation between non-traditional naming and higher pay. That has absolutely nothing to do with the claim in the article, that women are penalized by taking their husband's name.
It's pretty obvious that non-traditional naming is something that correlates fairly highly with women who would put career over family. That's absolutely fine. And I suppose a young woman entering into marriage should, in the words of Jeanne Kirkpatrick, know that 'a woman may have it all -- just not at the same time.' But this is simply a classic case of correlation not equaling causation. You're no more penalized by taking your husband's name than you are for taking your father's.
Oct '11
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
I laughed last night when reading this article at the New York Times because all the people mentioned in it are the same age roughly as my sister and me. We have a hyphenated last name (My pen name is not my first and last name, but two of my middle names - Yes, I have three middle names. Did I mention my parents were hippies?). And boy is it annoying. Yes, we're the only two in the world with that name, but so what? I have a credit card using last name #1, another using last name #2, another with the hyphen. In my professional life I use last name #2. But my personal email account uses last name #1. My sister has two children, and they both have her husband's last name. But my sister hasn't changed her name.
It all leads my to wonder, what's so wrong with tradition? If millions of people have done something for thousands of years, is it really all that bad? This gets back to Ms. Hemingway's suggestion that the whole idea of bucking tradition is somewhat arrogant.
Aug '11
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
One unusual case is from about 20 years ago. A guy whom I'll call Mr. Tate was married to another person in our same company. Her name, for these purposes, was Mary Crawford. Mary kept her maiden name, but the children of their marriage were Billy Crawford-Tate, David Crawford-Tate, and Becky Crawford-Tate.
Oct '11
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
I can't be too critical, though, because my wife (a Ricochet member) thus far refuses to take my name. Well, ok, I think it would be silly for her to take the hyphenated name, anyway. And creating a new name out of her last name and my two last names is just as arrogantly anti-tradition as anything else. We don't have children, so we've avoided that problem, anyway.
Dec '10
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
Growing up in Texas, which is somewhat more traditional than the coasts, I can only recall one kid in school with a hyphenated last name. He got a lot of ribbing about his two gay dads. It may seem high brow on the coast to buck tradition, but in flyover country it's pretty hard on the kids. As an aside, what about those people who deliberately name their kids in a way that makes the name a joke to start with? I went to high school with sisters named Fancy and Lacey Hose and had a crush on Wendy Rainy in the 7th grade.
Oct '10
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
My ancestral culture (Ethiopian) is one in which it is common for a woman to keep her maiden name. Another unique practice is for a child to be given his/her father's first name as their last name. So, in my case, my paternal grandfather's first name was Kelile.
Jun '10
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
Here's another, albeit limited, solution to the problem. My non de Ricochette is Tabula Rasa--in real life it's rather mundane and common: "Smith."
With as many Smiths as there are in the world I don't see why my two as-yet unmarried sons can't fall in love with and persuade a young woman also named "Smith" to marry them (though neither seems to be working very hard to get it done).
No new driver's license. No need to call credit card companies.
The only problem is if one marries a hard-core feminist who insists on "Smith-Smith," which itself will create confusion as to which Smith is which.
Dec '10
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
tabula rasa:
The only problem is if one marries a hard-core feminist who insists on "Smith-Smith," which itself will create confusion as to which Smith is which. · Nov 25 at 10:02am
Thus starts the argument that ends in divorce...
Nov '10
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
I kept my last name when I got married. My husband had no interest in having me change to his last name, and I was fond of my maiden name. I don't get upset though, when I get called Mrs. Hislastname; it seems perfectly normal that that would happen. My daughter has Hislastname, and that works fine for us. I tend to find that I am called Mrs. Hislastname and Dr. Mymaidenname. My daughter was adopted from Vietnam, a culture in which women retain their maiden names, so it's kind of fun that we can cite her culture as a precedent.
I will note, however, that I think women younger than I am are much more likely to change their names when they get married than are my contemporaries.
Dec '10
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
I think this Planned Parenthood attorney did not take the advice of her client. Obviously, that would have solved the problem entirely.
Dec '10
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
tabula rasa: ...
The only problem is if one marries a hard-core feminist who insists on "Smith-Smith," which itself will create confusion as to which Smith is which. · Nov 25 at 10:02am
Does "Smith-Squared" solve it, or is that too mathematical?
I'm sure you've all thought of it, but I just want to point out the irony of the feminists who chose to forgo Hislastname for Dad'slastname. Ah, the tyranny of the patriarchy dogs the feminists even in marriage... perhaps especially in marriage.
Jun '10
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
Lucy Pevensie: I kept my last name when I got married. My husband had no interest in having me change to his last name, and I was fond of my maiden name. I don't get upset though, when I get called Mrs. Hislastname; it seems perfectly normal that that would happen. My daughter has Hislastname, and that works fine for us. I tend to find that I am called Mrs. Hislastname and Dr. Mymaidenname. My daughter was adopted from Vietnam, a culture in which women retain their maiden names, so it's kind of fun that we can cite her culture as a precedent.
I will note, however, that I think women younger than I am are much more likely to change their names when they get married than are my contemporaries. · Nov 25 at 10:14am
In the legal business, particularly in private law firms, it is very common for women attorneys to practice law under their maiden name and live the rest of their lives as Mrs. Hislastname. For the most part, it doesn't appear to be a sexual liberation issue, but one of professional convenience.
May '11
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
Jay Nordlinger often likes to mention amusing names in his Impromptus column and he printed a comment that I had made in an e-mail to him. I had a friend in North Carolina named Dolly. Her boyfriend had the surname of Jolly. She refused to consider marrying him because she did not want to be Dolly Jolly from Raleigh.
Oct '11
Re: Rage Against The Patriarchal Naming Machine
I don't get it. Could you explain to me the joke?