Progressive Basketball Anyone?
While Japan smolders, shudders and soaks, ...while Libya cuts it's citizens to ribbons, ...while Iran takes prepubescent boys, arms them, and sends them to fight pro-democratic protestors, ...while savage lunatics butcher children in the West Bank, provoking the celebratory distribution of candy in Gaza, ...while our national debt spirals out of control, …while the federal government refuses to enforce its southern border and forbids border states to defend their own sovereignty, ...while Congress proposes to limp along, like Quasimodo, on two and three week continuing resolutions, ...the President, owing to his unique sense of audacious leadership, is finally doing something. He's making his NCAA tournament picks. On the one hand, I suppose we could wax indignant and get our collective knickers in a twist at the prospect of President Nero fiddling, like Charlie Daniels on a Red Bull and espresso bean binge, while America and America's interests burn. On the other hand, the more time he spends on basketball, the less time he will spend screwing up everything else.
But I do think it would make things more interesting if President Obama applied his philosophy of government to the basketball court, don't you? The rules of the game, after all, are really a series of negative rules, ...you know, what the other team cannot to do your team, that sort of thing. They don't spell out what one team must do for the other, or what fans must do for both teams, or what referees must do for fans, and what the scorekeeper must do for us all. Besides, basketball is a living, breathing sport, subject to changing times, right? Why shouldn't the rules also live and breathe? So, taking the President's cue, here are some ideas:
- Enough with the “Out Of Bounds” calls already. If open borders are good enough for America, they're good enough for the b-ball court. In fact, if the ball ends up in the hands of a spectator,..um, I mean, an undocumented player, why not give 'em a shot! Who are we to discriminate?
- Teams will be divided into blue and red.
- If a red team member commits a personal foul, the blue team member will be awarded two “free throws,” totaling 6 points, whether he makes the shots or not. Also, the red team will be lectured harshly on the need for civility in basketball. If a blue team member commits a personal foul, he will be noted as having practiced real democracy. If the blue team member commits a personal foul with a billy club, he will enjoy the personal protection of Eric Holder.
- If a blue team member attempts a long three-pointer and misses, the score keeper has the option of “deeming” it a completed shot and awarding the three points anyway. We're not talking ability, after all. We're talking equality. Besides, when you spread the points around, everybody wins!
- There will be an individual mandate for every American to purchase tickets. Otherwise, people could wait until the last moment to make a purchase, which would cause a spike in demand resulting in inflated ticket prices which would be unfair to those who purchased tickets in advance. If that doesn't work, make up something else.
- If the blue team is trailing during the final two minutes of the fourth quarter, they will have the option of leaving the state to prevent a loss. The referee will add the necessary minutes, hours, or weeks to the play clock.
- Any player, upon committing six personal fouls, will be ejected from the game and sent to a newly commissioned penalty box. The referee will then announce that the penalty box will be decommissioned, before recommissioning it and releasing forty percent of players out of the penalty box.
- The entire tournament will be sponsored by China.
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Comments :
Aug '10
Re: Progressive Basketball Anyone?
Wonderful! Please give your Dad the wheel and blog full time. You made my day.
Re: Progressive Basketball Anyone?
Thanks James! My Dad isn't on the road with me at the moment. In fact, I'm not even on the road with me. I'm taking a couple of days off, which affords more time to do this sort of thing. I go back on the road tomorrow.
Sep '10
Re: Progressive Basketball Anyone?
To your excellent set of rules, I'd add another: No shot clock, or timekeeping of any kind. There's no need to be in such a rush, after all it is just a game.
Re: Progressive Basketball Anyone?
Craig, that would depend on which team is in the lead. If the red team is catching up, then a rush may be necessary. In "the fierce urgency of now," there may be no time to waste. After all, this is only the first step toward Comprehensive Sports Reform. It's for the children.
May '10
Re: Progressive Basketball Anyone?
This post made my day. Thank you.
Sep '10
Re: Progressive Basketball Anyone?
I guess you're right, Dave. I was thinking strictly in terms of the chief executive's personal modus inoperandi. Sources tell me that tomorrow he's planning a reading of "My Pet Goat."
May '10
Re: Progressive Basketball Anyone?
Dave Carter
This was utterly brilliant, Dave! But don't you mean the Blue team here?
Also, I would add this lame attempt at emulation:
Re: Progressive Basketball Anyone?
Daniel Frank
Dave Carter
This was utterly brilliant, Dave! But don't you mean the Blue team here?
Also, I would add this lame attempt at emulation: · Mar 15 at 2:04pm
Good catch Daniel. I'll try to edit that. I read over this thing several times and had that nagging feeling I was missing something.
Jul '10
Re: Progressive Basketball Anyone?
Great piece, Dave! Isn't basketball already a progressive sport? It's the only one I can think of where you are encouraged to break the rules at the end of the game to have a better chance to win (i.e., intentionally fouling the team in the lead to stop the clock and get the ball back faster). Sounds like an SEIU strategy.
Jan '11
Re: Progressive Basketball Anyone?
Daniel Frank
Hoop? What hoop? Using a hoop is unfair. It discriminates against those of us who are basketball-throwing-challenged.
Oct '10
Re: Progressive Basketball Anyone?
Those rules might actually improve the NBA.