Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
In an email conversation with Peter recently, I introduced a friend of mine and Peter suggested that the august assemblage here at Ricochet might be receptive to an occasional visit from him. You see, back in the mid 90s, I had a radio show that featured an assortment of characters that would drop by the studio. Some called them my alter egos, but they seemed real to me and the audience all the same. There was a military figure (General James R. Hatchet Jr., III), a religious figure (Rev Billy Joe Bob Jones, of the Mt. Zion Methodist Episcopal Presbyterian Baptist Freewill Independent Church and House of Barbecue), but perhaps the most popular was a little Cajun guy named Alphonse Fontenot. Alphonse was not so much of a combination as he was a collision of the colorful characters I knew back home in Louisiana, both in and out of the family. He drives trucks, works hard, offers free advice, steals chickens, and leads singing on Sundays. If you have any questions, I'm sure he will be delighted to entertain them during his occasional and (thankfully) brief visits here. So while simultaneously indulging your good graces and taking them for granted, I thought this would be a good time to sit back, relax, and let Alphonse take the helm:
Ma Fellow Ricoshots,
Y'all some smart people you! Me, I been watching you sort tru dem political people runnin for President. Dey are a bright and conservative bunch, but da ones dat are conservative don't seem very bright, and ones dat are bright don't seem very conservative, so just like in dem cow pasture, you gotta watch you step. It brings to da back of my mind da time dat Aunt Eloise wouldn't look to her behind an step in da slop jar, fall on da flo and buss her hip. We had to rush her to da horspital dere. Dey took two or tree ash trays of her hip an say da ting done broke.
It got poor Uncle Clovis so excite dat he nearly had a nerving smashdown. Of course, he ain't been da same since his skinny sister Tammy Anne pass away from kansas of da breath, poor ting. Tank God she made her act of conception before she pass away dere. She always liked God her. She used to have a statue of God wif da suction cup on da bottom, an she used to wear it in da middle of her forehead all da time. I remember years ago when she wanted to marry a vegetarian, but her papa he said da family been Catholic as far back as he can't mamber, and he was not about to mess dat poor girl up wit a vegetarian.
Not much else news round here, cept dat Batille is expecting another baby. Dey say she's bout tree monts stagnant now and her feets is swoll so bad she can't hardly get her teeny shoes on. She had dem upset stomach for awhile dere, but da doctor he gave her some milk of gymnasium, and she's quiet as concrete now. Her husband, Troy, he's a workaholic. Every time he sees work he gets drunk. I tink da pries put too much water on his head when dey baptize him dere. He was a new pries, only been circulate about tree monts.
Well, I have to bring my close to dis line here because my pries is passing confection and I wanna go confect. I pray dat you all have a Merry Christmas, an may God bless da hell outta you.