Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
In an email conversation with Peter recently, I introduced a friend of mine and Peter suggested that the august assemblage here at Ricochet might be receptive to an occasional visit from him. You see, back in the mid 90s, I had a radio show that featured an assortment of characters that would drop by the studio. Some called them my alter egos, but they seemed real to me and the audience all the same. There was a military figure (General James R. Hatchet Jr., III), a religious figure (Rev Billy Joe Bob Jones, of the Mt. Zion Methodist Episcopal Presbyterian Baptist Freewill Independent Church and House of Barbecue), but perhaps the most popular was a little Cajun guy named Alphonse Fontenot. Alphonse was not so much of a combination as he was a collision of the colorful characters I knew back home in Louisiana, both in and out of the family. He drives trucks, works hard, offers free advice, steals chickens, and leads singing on Sundays. If you have any questions, I'm sure he will be delighted to entertain them during his occasional and (thankfully) brief visits here. So while simultaneously indulging your good graces and taking them for granted, I thought this would be a good time to sit back, relax, and let Alphonse take the helm:
Ma Fellow Ricoshots,
Y'all some smart people you! Me, I been watching you sort tru dem political people runnin for President. Dey are a bright and conservative bunch, but da ones dat are conservative don't seem very bright, and ones dat are bright don't seem very conservative, so just like in dem cow pasture, you gotta watch you step. It brings to da back of my mind da time dat Aunt Eloise wouldn't look to her behind an step in da slop jar, fall on da flo and buss her hip. We had to rush her to da horspital dere. Dey took two or tree ash trays of her hip an say da ting done broke.
It got poor Uncle Clovis so excite dat he nearly had a nerving smashdown. Of course, he ain't been da same since his skinny sister Tammy Anne pass away from kansas of da breath, poor ting. Tank God she made her act of conception before she pass away dere. She always liked God her. She used to have a statue of God wif da suction cup on da bottom, an she used to wear it in da middle of her forehead all da time. I remember years ago when she wanted to marry a vegetarian, but her papa he said da family been Catholic as far back as he can't mamber, and he was not about to mess dat poor girl up wit a vegetarian.
Not much else news round here, cept dat Batille is expecting another baby. Dey say she's bout tree monts stagnant now and her feets is swoll so bad she can't hardly get her teeny shoes on. She had dem upset stomach for awhile dere, but da doctor he gave her some milk of gymnasium, and she's quiet as concrete now. Her husband, Troy, he's a workaholic. Every time he sees work he gets drunk. I tink da pries put too much water on his head when dey baptize him dere. He was a new pries, only been circulate about tree monts.
Well, I have to bring my close to dis line here because my pries is passing confection and I wanna go confect. I pray dat you all have a Merry Christmas, an may God bless da hell outta you.
- Comment (22)
- · Quote
- · UnfollowFollow (0)
- Pages:
- 1
- 2
- Pages:
- 1
- 2
Comments :
May '10
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Great stuff, fo sho. Keep 'em coming!
Jul '10
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Hay Alphonse, You ain't the Chef I'm familiar are Ya? If so, I expect recipes post haste.
And I can't wait to meet Rev Billy Joe Bob Jones, of the Mt. Zion Methodist Episcopal Presbyterian Baptist Freewill Independent Church and House of Barbecue. Would He go by Rev.BJBJMZMEPBFICHBBQ?
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Welcome, Alphonse! (I'd say more, but I have such tears in my eyes from laughing that I can hardly see the keyboard.)
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Jimmy Carter: Hay Alphonse, You ain't the Chef I'm familiar are Ya? If so, I expect recipes post haste.
And I can't wait to meet Rev Billy Joe Bob Jones, of the Mt. Zion Methodist Episcopal Presbyterian Baptist Freewill Independent Church and House of Barbecue. Would He go by Rev.BJBJMZMEPBFICHBBQ? · Dec 18 at 5:46pm
Mais I got you number, you. Ain't you got a presidential library to run or sumtin? I knew your brother! An as for dat Rev Billy Joe Bob Jones, he'll go by Hugh Hefner if dere's money in it. Said sumting about a leak in da church roof.
Edited on Dec 18, 2011 at 6:02pmRe: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Tanks, and here's to you Mr. Robinson. Sorry bout dem tears in you eyes. Step away from da red beans and rice!
Edited on Dec 18, 2011 at 6:02pmJul '10
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Dave Carter
Mais I got you number, you. Ain't you got a presidential library to run or sumtin? I knew your brother! An as for dat Rev Billy Joe Bob Jones, he'll go by Hugh Hefner if dere's money in it. Said sumting about a leak in da church roof. · Dec 18 at 5:58pm
Edited on Dec 18 at 06:02 pm
[above a whisper] Actually.... Miss... Miss Rosalynn runs thangs 'round Here. She... She tells Me when I can dial-up and always lectures Me how expensive Prodigy is per minute. I can't imagine running a library.
May '10
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
I think I just wet my pants.
Oh, wait - false alarm. It's only the Sprite I knocked over into my lap. Give me a moment to compose myself.
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Jimmy Carter
Dave Carter
Mais I got you number, you. Ain't you got a presidential library to run or sumtin? I knew your brother! An as for dat Rev Billy Joe Bob Jones, he'll go by Hugh Hefner if dere's money in it. Said sumting about a leak in da church roof. · Dec 18 at 5:58pm
Edited on Dec 18 at 06:02 pm
[above a whisper] Actually.... Miss... Miss Rosalynn runs thangs 'round Here. She... She tells Me when I can dial-up and always lectures Me how expensive Prodigy is per minute. I can't imagine running a library. · Dec 18 at 6:27pm
Me I'll connect you too my brudder in law. He takes care o' dat kind o' ting. Trosclair coulda got dem hostages out before da cornbread was cook if you'da asked him.
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Matthew Gilley: I think I just wet my pants.
· Dec 18 at 6:34pm
Now how da hell am I suppose to hep you wit dat, eh? You lawyer or sumtin?
May '10
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Alphonse, I can only plead nolo contendere.
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
It's okay ma fran. Dey got dem shots for dat. Me I know a good speech terapits too.
Edited on Dec 18, 2011 at 7:07pmJul '10
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Dave Carter
Me I'll connect you too my brudder in law. He takes care o' dat kind o' ting. Trosclair coulda got dem hostages out before da cornbread was cook if you'da asked him. · Dec 18 at 6:48pm
Hostages?! Rosalynn has always said They're out to get Me. A.K.A. Reaganites. Well, regardless, Rosalynn made sure the tourists were on the way Home before I left office... er, We left office....
Jun '10
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Alphonse: Any thoughts on Obama? Personally, the thought that he might be re-elected gives me a "nerving smashdown."
Also, the reason I go to church is in the hope that God may bless da hell outta me. It's still a work in progress.
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
tabula rasa: Alphonse: Any thoughts on Obama? Personally, the thought that he might be re-elected gives me a "nerving smashdown."
Also, the reason I go to church is in the hope that God may bless da hell outta me. It's still a work in progress. · Dec 18 at 7:08pm
When Uncle Clovis got all nerval, dey put him in an octopus tank in da horspital until he could catch his breathe again good. Me I don't tink much about Obama, but dey got a special horspital for him somewhere aroun Pineville, La. Dey got how you call dem soft walls. My couseen Philomin taught he was Napolean, an he set up headquarters dere too.
Aug '10
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
..'milk of gymnasium'...quiet as concrete' You didn't show to Kim Jong Il did you ? Cause it kills !
Edited on Dec 18, 2011 at 8:49pmWondermous
May '10
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
LIKE! Welcome, Alphonse!
Mar '11
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Too funny! I'm helpless, here.
May '10
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Dave Carter
Tanks, and here's to you Mr. Robinson. Sorry bout dem tears in you eyes. Step away from da red beans and rice! · Dec 18 at 6:02pm
Edited on Dec 18 at 06:02 pm
No, it's the oh-nee-ons he need to step back from!
Nov '11
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Brilliant! Come on back and see us again, Alphonse!
Jul '11
Re: Please Welcome Guest Contributor: Alphonse Fontenot
Thank you, Dave. Merry Christmas, and may God bless da hell outta you and allla ma fellow Ricoshots in 2012 and beyond!