Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
Just got back from a family vacation, and that meant taking the interstate. That's what a Dad does: load everyone in the back, pack the trunk, gas up, find the onramp and cruise uninterrupted until kidneys do their work or stomachs growl - then pull off, get gas, slake needs, void bladders, and blam! Back on the road. It gets you there, and sometimes the scenery's nice; half the time you're dealing with a driver who can't judge speed and distance, and doesn't realize you are, in fact, in process of passing someone else, you're just not going to go all Craig Breedlove to do it. You have tailgaters, left-lane prissy-pokers who are doing the speed limit, thank you, and have no interest in letting you driving one MPH faster than you should. It's a great American achievement, the interstate highway system. I avoid it if I can.
I'd rather take the old highways. They don't skirt small towns, they plow right through them. You stop at a light, you see things. You add an hour to your trip, but you learn about where you've been. Taking the interstate is almost like flying. Almost: you could pull off on any exit if you like, slow down, find a town, poke around, look at the old buildings, wonder about the names up on the crumbling brick cornices, imagine the main street on Decoration Day when everyone turned out for the parade. But you don't. Keep going, the Interstate says. It’s about arrival, not travel.
My father has driven enormous trucks for many years - 83, and he can still parallel-park a double tanker, and yes, he has his license - so he doesn't quite get the allure of the back roads. For him the constant thrum of the flat straight road is a Zen joy. Maybe after a few hours he'd turn on Willie's Place channel on the satellite radio. He sees these trips in terms I'm sure Dave Carter knows: the amateur reads the road in intervals of hours, the pro paces himself differently, thinks in terms of states. Eight hours for a civilian is a long, long drive, but I imagine the professional rig-wrangler thinks we'd all be content to spend eight hours sitting at our desk, and where are when when the work day's done? Same damned place.
Maybe it’s because I’m older. Everyone who took a long spontaneous road trip in college knows the gypsy joy you feel when you pull off the road at the end of the day at some all-night joint where the sign buzzes high ahead, the traffic hums in the distance, and you know when you walk inside there will be the smell of french fries and coffee, and there will be guys at the counter with their hands folded as if in prayer, with a cigarette idling between the knuckles.
Or so it was when I did the long drives. As I said, now it's back roads if possible. But on yesterday's interstate jaunt, I noted two things:
1. The number of trucks with patriotic themes - bumperstickers, elaborate paintings of Mt. Rushmore, eagles, flags. LAND THAT WE LOVE said one, splashed on the cab. One reefer had a Bible verse on the back, telling us to do everything we do with love. I hate to presume about the politics of the driver, but I'd guess they're not the sort if favor of cap and trade.
2. Saw a sign that told me a construction project was funded by the Recovery Act. Hey, great. But who funded it before? The Magic Concrete Fairies? Taxpayers, of course. They don't get a sign. But when we need to be reminded that the Special Extra Life-Enhancing All-Solving Stimulus had a hand, well, up go the blaze-orange announcements.
Finally: we made one stop to use restroom, and didn't need any gas or anything else. I bought some peanuts. It's one of those things you learn when your family's in the business. You walk into their store, you use their bathroom, their water, their soap, their towels - then you walk past the inventory, which is usually about $100K worth of stuff they have to carry in case you want Pop Tarts and a comb? Shake loose a buck to say thanks.
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Jul '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
What do your kids argue about in the back seat?
"I just cannot believe that Mitch McConnell is so spineless he won't support Paul Ryan's Roadmap."
"Don't be a goof, it'll scare away independents and the elderly."
"Well, the GOP can't just stand for nothing!"
"You're such a stupid poopy-head!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
Edited on Aug 23, 2010 at 12:18pmJun '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
All my cross-country road trips happened before satellite radio, so it was always my opportunity to catch up with country music, and discover again, it's not all that bad. There was a lot of wisdom in some of those country songs. Of course I haven't done it in over ten years, so maybe country music is finally as vapid as pop. Don't know. I only ever listened while going 70mph through Nebraska.
May '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
I only take the back roads when I know, as a metaphysical cinch, that they have BurmaShave signs on them.
Of course, I never drive on these trips- Rubber Duckie clutches the wheel and never lets go, which means we never argue about my driving.
BTW, Kenneth, Sir James has one fine daughter, so he has to personally fill in as the other side for arguments when they are necessary.
Jul '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
Duane Oyen: I only take the back roads when I know, as a metaphysical cinch, that they have BurmaShave signs on them.
Of course, I never drive on these trips- Rubber Duckie clutches the wheel and never lets go, which means we never argue about my driving.
BTW, Kenneth, Sir James has one fine daughter, so he has to personally fill in as the other side for arguments when they are necessary. · Aug 23 at 12:35pm
Well, then, he needs to adopt a libertarian kid.
I'll volunteer.
Jul '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
I miss the days when states like Montana Wyoming and Arizona had no speed limits.
You could zoom down the interstates at 120 mph, feeling like a free man.
Jun '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
You mentioned BurmaShave signs, so I blame you for this. :)
If Crusoe'd
Kept his chin
More tidy
He might have found
A lady Friday
Burma-Shave
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
I think I love long driving trips more than any other kind of travel.
But shake loose a buck? I'm totally helpless in those places. I buy the peanuts and a Diet Coke and some mints and more Handiwipes and always, if it's available, a copy of the local paper.
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
James, spot on observations as usual. I enjoy the back roads only if they are not restricted to large trucks and are absolutely necessary to get to my destination. Very quaint, very pretty, and very easy for a 53 foot trailer to destroy an antique light pole that is on the National Register of Really Old Stuff That You Can't Afford to Replace. I don't need that kind of grief, so I take the Zenerstate when possible. Patriotic trucks are everywhere. I have POW/MIA items on mine, along with military patches on the seat backs, the dash and other interior items, and a Don't Tread On Me flag hanging over the bunk. Just keeps me grounded somehow. Eight hours drive is pretty good, actually. We can drive 11 hours max per day. I measure it in miles though. Three thousand in the last week.
Jul '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
Rob Long
I think I love long driving trips more than any other kind of travel.
But shake loose a buck? I'm totally helpless in those places. I buy the peanuts and a Diet Coke and some mints and more Handiwipes and always, if it's available, a copy of the local paper. · Aug 23 at 1:16pm
Handiwipes? I dunno, Rob, that sounds pretty Hollywood-effete to me.
Real Americans buy Slim Jims and beef jerky.
Aug '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
Kenneth
Rob Long
I think I love long driving trips more than any other kind of travel.
But shake loose a buck? I'm totally helpless in those places. I buy the peanuts and a Diet Coke and some mints and more Handiwipes and always, if it's available, a copy of the local paper. · Aug 23 at 1:16pm
Handiwipes? I dunno, Rob, that sounds pretty Hollywood-effete to me.
Real Americans buy Slim Jims and beef jerky. · Aug 23 at 1:39pm
If Rob has kids, HandiWipes make perfect sense. Kids are always getting their hands sticky. You could lock the average child in a clean-room naked, and he'd still find a way to get his hands sticky.
Jun '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
Kenneth
Rob Long
I think I love long driving trips more than any other kind of travel.
But shake loose a buck? I'm totally helpless in those places. I buy the peanuts and a Diet Coke and some mints and more Handiwipes and always, if it's available, a copy of the local paper. · Aug 23 at 1:16pm
Handiwipes? I dunno, Rob, that sounds pretty Hollywood-effete to me.
Real Americans buy Slim Jims and beef jerky. · Aug 23 at 1:39pm
If Rob has kids, HandiWipes make perfect sense. Kids are always getting their hands sticky. You could lock the average child in a clean-room naked, and he'd still find a way to get his hands sticky. · Aug 23 at 1:50pm
Naked kid and sticky hands, nah can't happen.
Aug '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
And yet...and yet...it is funny how William Least Heat Moon's Blue Highways has not aged well. Perhaps because, like Jonathan Raban's Old Glory and Paul Theroux's The Old Patagonian Express, it is rigidly 1978. Anyway, I like backroads, still, and yes, limited-access highways limit access.
May '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
Recently, when traveling through North Florida on I-10, pretty much all I could pick up on the radio was country music. This lyric stuck with me: "Don't outsmart your common sense." Would that our leaders follow this sage advice!
Edited on Aug 24, 2010 at 8:01amAug '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
When my wife and daughter visited America, the palm trees in Los Angeles were similar to Melbourne (although the LA freeways are impressive and frightening). However, they truly feel that they've arrived in America at Indiana truck stops. The truckies and waitresses like my daughter's Australian accent, so they ply her with root beer to keep her talking. Americans are indeed wonderful people. We'll visit the US again in October. Our daughter is already looking forward to talking with the rough, smiling truckies.
Sep '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
My favorite slogan wasn't exactly patriotic; and come to think of it, it wasn't on a truck, really; it was on a glossy, green horse trailer from Kentucky, and it read:
Faster Horses
Older Whiskey
Younger Women
Jun '10
Re: Patriotic Truckers and other highway observations
dogsbody: My favorite slogan wasn't exactly patriotic; and come to think of it, it wasn't on a truck, really; it was on a glossy, green horse trailer from Kentucky, and it read:
Faster Horses
Older Whiskey
Younger Women · Sep 18 at 9:21pm
Ah, Tom T. Hall. Don't forget "more money." That album was the first of my strikingly few country albums.