On Old Men and Tear Ducts
Before I get to my subject, let me say that I do not like any part of the movement the last few decades to feminize men. I like the good, old-fashioned guys who believe in supporting their families, who work hard, who shoot guns, and who don't "share" their feelings with everyone they meet. [That does not mean men shouldn't help out at home or change diapers: my father is the manliest man I've ever known, but I never saw him get up from dinner and not help with the dishes].
I hope that establishes my Ricochet street cred, because now I want to do a little "sharing."
From the time I was a little kid until about age 50, I don't remember crying much. But, for some reason that I don't quite understand, about the time I hit the half-century mark, I found that not only did my tear ducts work, but they began working a lot more often. I have a theory that it's a trade-off: as the joints get creakier and the hair on my head disappeared, the Good Lord gave me nose and ear hair, and an increased propensity to cry.
I would read something moving, and find a tear rolling down my cheek. One of my grandchildren will say something cute, and I'll get choked up. Some songs will almost always get the tears flowing a bit (I'm pretty good at hiding these episodes by pretending to have something in my eye).
In past the two weeks, I've had two episodes. On the Sunday before Christmas, our church service was mostly the choir singing some beautiful songs about Jesus Christ. I was twice moved to tears.
Then this evening, Mrs. Tabula and I saw Les Miserables. I think we've seen stage versions of the musical three or four times, so it's not like I didn't know how it ends. But -- in spite of its naive revolutionary politics and some semi-manipulative scenes -- it happened again. The last 10 minutes of the movie, especially the reappearance of Fantine, was beautifully filmed and sung, and there was good old Tabula, crying like a baby. Mrs. Tabula did a nice job covering for me by actually crying audibly.
The music is beautiful. The redemption of Jean Valjean, the promise of a better world in the next life, and the love of a daughter for her father hit all my soft spots.
When my father was in the last couple of years of his life, and he knew it, I watched him more times than I can count choking up when his grandchildren would give him a hug. Because of that, I like to think that I can cry now and then and keep my "man card."
I also think that a man who can have a good, short cry is a lot better than a chronic whiner. I'm proud to say that no politician's speech has ever brought tears to my eyes (except for a few tears of anger).
So, have any of the older male Ricochetti experienced the same phenomenon? If so, what causes you to get emotional? Finally, should I be ashamed of myself?
- Comment (101)
- · Quote
- · UnfollowFollow (36)
Comments:
Jul '10
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
President Reagan moves Me to tears regularly still.
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
I'll be 51 in a couple of weeks, and I've noticed something like what you describe. Few things move me to choke up like certain types of music, or stories involving our veterans. And funerals, but that isn't a recent phenomenon for me. I expect my own funeral will be the first and only one in which I keep my composure, and even that isn't a sure bet.
As to your second question, I see no cause for shame. As long as we're not blubbering like bloody fools all the time, the occasional show of genuine emotion carries no disgrace to my way of thinking.
Mar '11
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
I've gone rather the opposite way. When in school I had a rep as a crybaby because I teared up quickly when angry (which was rather a lot as I was low man on the social totem pole and thus targeted).
Yet as I've gotten older I find less and less to move me, not even funerals for family members (though in one such case this was for mixed reasons).
There is no shame in weeping for me, but maybe I've just grown colder.
For you Tabula, take comfort in it, that you remain un-jaded by life.
Jul '11
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
Coming up on 50 myself and have noticed the same with me. Not weeping but tearing up in some situations. I can mark it down to starting on my father’s death.
May '10
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
Nothing to be ashamed of, Tabula -- I hope, anyway, because I've been cursed with that gene my whole life, and, yeah, it's getting worse with age.
The wierd thing is, I'll remain completely stoic through big traumatic events -- 9/11, hardship or death of someone close, major surgery for a family member -- but it's the little things -- an idyllic moment on a family vacation, a beautiful song, a movie, even the replay of an old sporting event -- that bring tears.
They say all tears come from sadness -- even supposed tears of joy -- and that sounds right. The anticipation of death, of loss, of "good-bye" is what it's all about, I think.
May '10
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
According to the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness, crying is acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Not sure if that helps.
Jun '10
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
This will be useful next time I go to the Grand Canyon. Does Swanson have anything to say about a granddaughter's dance recital?
May '10
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
Scott Reusser:
They say all tears come from sadness -- even supposed tears of joy -- and that sounds right.
If I may, here's my theory.
Joy is a response to togetherness/love. Sadness is a response to separation; a longing for what we want and need. All emotions can deviate, but those are the directions they are supposed to point.
Tears of joy occur when the joy is so pure that we momentarily realize what tremendous beauty we are separated from. We feel our distance from perfection. It's analagous to being suddenly thrust together with a much beloved person (spouse/child/parent/friend) and knowing you will be separated again just as quickly. It's like glimpsing Heaven from a car window while the car speeds away.
Not all people gain appreciation of life as they get older. But many do. Especially when one's children are grown, when work is slowing down and one has more quiet time to reflect, one's eyes are opened and those glimpses of Heaven might indeed become more frequent, more powerful.
Jun '12
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
I was raised in a very traditional chinese fashion. Even girls were not allowed to cry. Public display of emotion was regarded as, well, shameful. Later in my life, I learned that it is because self control is such a highly regarded value, that to lose it implies irresponsibility.
The only time I saw my father cry, was when he gasped his last breath. He died with 2 streams of tears on his face. Those tears spoke deeply to me. That he knew what was going on for the last month we thought he was in coma. That he was waiting for my mother to sit next to him before he could let go. That he loves us and he was reluctant to leave us. I am so thankful he cried.
So cry TR, just cry. I do wish you more tears of joy not pain.
Edited on January 6, 2013 at 4:02pmJun '12
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
Aaron Miller
....... one's eyes are opened and those glimpses of Heaven might indeed become more frequent, more powerful. · 1 hour ago
I remember holding my first born in my arms when he was about a week old and I cried inconsolably. It was the first time in my life I felt so overwhelmed by perfection ( glimpse of heaven?); I was exultant and disquiet all at the same time.
Apr '12
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
My father in law was born in what is now Pakistan to a military man and nurse mother who worked during the war. He was sent to British boarding school and is a tough old guy. He also put business first and other women first, over his wife and family.
My father in law is retired and old now, and those times of spending New Year's Eve away from his family, at some place with another woman, are long faded. Once, we had just had our second child, he was supposed to visit but, half way through, left to meet a lady at some resort. Astounding! He has Altzeihmer's and is being looked after by his wife, my mother in law.
We had him over for dinner. His son and grandsons stood up and sang a series of Scottish songs with much gusto, and arms around each other, swaying from side to side. When I glanced over at my father in law, I saw him weeping openly through out.
Apr '12
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
Mr. Indaba has suffered from his father's behaviour and born the brunt of his mother's ire too. I see that painful upbringing and impact on him as a man, which is why I support him more than I should at times.
Mr. Indaba is a fishing, hunting killing machine, but has always cried during movies, Man from Snowy River, and I like that very much about him. he never says he loves me or tells me I look lovely. He brings me tea and downloads female movies and cleans his guns while I watch them. I know that is his way of showing his love and that is fine.
Now, our two sons love to tease Mr. Indaba about his frequent weeping during films. They were surprised when he cried when #1 son left for university.
I point out to him that he has been a good and dedicated father. That is a great reason to cry.
Oct '10
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
If we are growing old with Grace, then we are given a special dispensation from God to display the truth of our feelings and see ourselves as endowed with the sensitivity of God's Own Spirit.
Our emotions connect us to a truth that our mind cannot see.
Jun '11
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
Nov '11
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
TR: Thanks for this - and a friendly reminder: [Mt. 23:27-29; Jn. 11:35].
Sep '11
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
TR, my father sounds a lot like yours. I frankly don't remember whether he choked up or not when young, but I saw him do it occasionally when he was older and it never seemed unmanly to me.
I wonder what Jojo changed her mind about?
Dec '11
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
I never cry because I am a real man. I do sometimes have something in my eye but that does not count. Recently while I am reading a post on Ricochet the screen goes blurry but I am sure it is a monitor problem. Of course sometimes my eyes sweat and my voice cracks but that is due to overwork. Some may think I am in a state of denial but I deny that.
May '10
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
As we men age, our testosterone levels go down. We tend to calm down, get angry less, and can have less sex drive. Sometimes there is also an increase in our estrogen.
Both of these hormonal changes can effect emotional responsiveness. Increased estrogen will tend to lead to more tearfulness in men.
So, in short, for some men, increased crying may be due to changes in biochemistry.
Of course, it could also mean you are just more in touch with how you feel, or able to feel things more fully. Men struggle with feeling emotions such as sadness or anxiety, and often convert these to anger.
Aug '11
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
I come from stoic Scandinavian/German stock. From the moment I became a teenager until a particular date in 2003, my tear ducts didn't get much of a workout. Then my wife was in a vehicle-totaling car accident at 38 weeks pregnant with our first born. When I got to the emergency room, the floodgates opened. Happily, both mom and daughter were fine. And a week later, when my oldest came into the world, the floodgates opened again. They've had a regular workout ever since.
I'll be hitting 50 soon. I have remarked to my wife that the older I get, the less hold I seem to have on my emotions, and I wondered if this was just natural.
I reject without hesitation Bryan's estrogen explanation. ; )
Edited on January 7, 2013 at 8:12pmOct '12
Re: On Old Men and Tear Ducts
As men, we are allowed to cry, officially, when viewing 1) The end of Saving Private Ryan, 2) The end of Brian's Song, 3) The end of Field of Dreams.
I also teared up a little when I spoke at my wedding. I'm just emo like that, I guess.