Speculation is rampant that President Obama’s Chicago campaign team is about to unleash an October surprise. A source on background has revealed these disquieting schemes already in progress, as well as some of the president’s secret plans for his second term:
In a desperate attempt to win Florida, the campaign will enlist frogmen to move Osama bin Laden’s corpse to Sea World.
If the president is reelected, he will exact revenge on his former challenger by replacing the Mormon Tabernacle Choir with the Muslim Barbershop Quartet.
The Obama campaign will allege that prior to the second debate, Governor Romney tried to bribe Candy Crowley with a lifetime gift certificate to the Cheesecake Factory.
Republican demands for early voter recounts will be denied by the Illinois attorney general even though some voters are deceased. Among them, the names “Woodrow Wilson”, “Thomas Jefferson”, and “Bob Schieffer.”
To burnish commander-in-chief cred, next week the president will launch a drone attack on Venezuela, claiming nuclear warheads are hidden in Hugo Chavez’s pockmarks.
If reelected, Obama will compromise on Gitmo. Its new hours: open Monday through Saturday, 9 to 5:30, Sundays, 12 to 5.
As proof that shovel-ready projects are underway, the administration will begin construction in New Jersey of the world’s largest theme park … Six Flags Over Chris Christie.
Arizona TV stations will run a commercial with Ed Asner speaking to an empty La-Z-Boy recliner.
MoveOn.org will air a commercial in Colorado contending that last Christmas Mitt Romney visited a Denver mall and offered cookies and milk to a lactose intolerant Santa Claus.
A rumor will be spread that a President Romney would not only defund PBS -- he would also strap to the roof of the presidential limo a wooden crate housing Bill Moyers.
To secure the Florida cougar vote, Justin Bieber will stump for Obama in The Villages.
Appearing on Meet the Press, Obama spokesperson Stephanie Cutter will claim that, in a Romney presidency ,White House state dinners will offer early Big Bird specials.
... And that a President Romney would imprison any male resident of Florida over the age of 60 caught wearing a white belt.
To intimidate Philadelphia seniors, Harry Belafonte and Betty White will patrol voting precincts wielding loaded adult diapers.
A video from a 2011 Halloween party in a Vegas hotel suite will show a Romney son impersonator with three showgirls playing Trick or Tag.
An MSNBC anchor will receive an anonymous email that the title of Dick Morris’s next book will be, “Dubs Takes a Dump on Chris Matthews’s Shoe”.
To appeal to gun control advocates, Eric Holder will make it a felony to carry a concealed lock of Callista Gingrich’s hair.
New York Yankees outfielder Raul Ibanez will be sent in to pinch-campaign for Biden.
YouTube will be ordered to remove a video of the First Lady pointing to an anorexic member of her Secret Service detail and asking, “Does this agent make my butt look fat?”
To further discredit Fox News, the campaign will distribute a photo of Bill O’Reilly poolside at his estate with Alan Colmes suspended overhead as a human parasol to keep the sun off the O’Reilly bald spot.
To emphasize his clean energy goals, this winter Mr. Obama will confiscate all coal from the eyes of American snowmen.
If he’s defeated, the president will write an even more personal book than “Dreams From My Father". It will be entitled, “Nightmares from My Mother-in-Law”.
On election eve, President Obama will deliver a prime-time address to the nation and conclude by French-kissing Tipper Gore.