No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
I tell this story in my column for The National, Abu Dhabi's English-language daily:
Around the corner from me in Venice is a restaurant with an unpronounceable name. It's called Gjelina, and despite its high style and vaguely pretentious air, and its often haughty staff, the food is really good. Great pizzas, wonderful main dishes, and one of the great desserts of all time, a butterscotch pudding with salted caramel.
By the way, it’s pronounced “Jel-ina.” The “G” is silent. Unless you’re a tourist or some kind of clueless rube, in which case you’ll mistakenly pronounce the “G” and instantly be identified as such, which is probably why they tacked the “G” on there in the first place.
But because people in Los Angeles in general don’t mind being abused by a condescending waiter earning seven dollars an hour, Gjelina has become quite a hot ticket, with lines out the door. And it’s a rare lunch or dinner that goes by without a celebrity sighting. (Celebrities are drawn to the place for the abuse, the dark, and the ear-deafening noise. Famous people like being in places where they can’t be seen or heard, especially when they’re eating.) In a short few years, Gjelina has earned a place in the handful of certifiably “hot” LA restaurants.
Of course, running a restaurant in a town overpopulated with cosseted stars and pampered executives can’t be an easy job. Los Angelenos tend to saunter through of-the-moment restaurants as if they own them, and for even the most B of B-listers, the menu is less a list of available food options and more a point of departure for fanciful and capricious requests. Ordering “off the menu” is a sign of prestige and importance, which is why everyone in Los Angeles tries to do it.
I’ve seen a famous Hollywood name take a seat at a hip sushi bar, and then announce in a bored voice that she was in the mood for an omelet. Which they made. And I’ve had lunch with a studio executive who ordered a Caesar salad, then told the waiter to hold the salad dressing, the croutons, the garlic, and the anchovy. In other words, he just wanted a pile of dry lettuce leaves. Which they made.
Gjelina is a little different. There's one rule that they enforce with an iron fist: no substitutions, no adjustments, no changes to the menu. No "dressing on the side," no "hold the mushrooms," no changes whatsoever. They are "politely declined," according to the menu.
Which I understand. People in Los Angeles are always asking for special treatment. We're always on some kind of odd and complicated diet. We're either gluten-free or eating "clean" or "no carbs" or can't have anything with eggs. We're convinced we're allergic to things we can't possibly be allergic to, and convinced that certain combinations of foodstuffs are poisonous, and certain other ones are life-extending, and we've got a shelf-full of absurd and ridiculous books written by quack pseudo-doctors to prove it.
So I fully understand why a restaurant might call it a day on changes and adjustments and make some kind of blanket "no way, no how, not going to happen" statement.
But in a town like Los Angeles, an immoveable object like a menu rule and a moveable target like a celebrity are destined to clash, and last week at Gjelina they did just that.
Posh Spice – more formally known as Victoria Beckham, the groaningly pregnant wife of soccer superstar David Beckham -- dined with short-tempered, potty-mouthed master chef Gordon Ramsey at Gjelina, and the unwitting Mrs. Beckham made a simple request. Rotund and uncomfortable, moments from childbirth, she asked if pretty-please she could have a simpler version of a salad on the menu.
Wait, wait, wait, said prickly chef Ramsey. He reminded the staff that the woman is pregnant, and therefore hugely sensitive to taste and touch, and really wasn't asking for much. Surely it's easy to leave things off of a salad, he said.
Nope, they said. And that was that.
On the one hand, it's an awfully nasty restaurant management that can turn Victoria Beckham into a sympathetic figure. On the other hand, it's easy to see how a restaurant -- especially a hot one in Los Angeles -- could be forced to make and enforce such a no-modifications policy. On the third hand, she's a pregnant woman. Surely some kind of accommodation could be made for that.
Chef Ramsey runs an empire of terrific and accommodating restaurants. He’s a terror to his underlings in the kitchen, but to his customers in the dining room he’s a pussycat. Dining at a Gordon Ramsey restaurant is a treat of pampering, welcoming, the-customer-is-always-right experiences. He knows what an easy request is when he hears it, just as he knows what a troublemaking customer is when he meets one. If he says they should have done it, then they should have done it.
On the final hand, though, I wish I had been there to see the look on Mrs. Beckham’s face when the diffident, brusque waiter – whose entire net worth, I’d bet, is less than the value of a single piece of jewelry on the exquisite finger – shrugged, shook his head, and said, “No, sorry.” She must have been astonished. She must have been baffled. Who knows when the last time was that anyone told a celebrity "no"? Something tells me that the seven-dollar-an-hour waiter had fun doing it.
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Sep '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
"If he says they should have done it, then they should have done it."
No, they shouldn't. Yelp shows 14225 restaurants in Los Angles. Mrs. Beckham is welcome to take her trade elsewhere. And, if the general populace at large finds this rule to be intolerable, they can as well.
Mar '11
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
No reasonable accommodation? Call the EEO police on 'em. Or just send in Danny DeVito.
May '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
With finicky children we are always careful to check the menu in advance to be sure there is a dish that will suit. It sounds like Chef Ramsay was delinquent in not performing a similar check before sitting down at table with Posh. That said, I never would have guessed that "dressing on the side" would qualify as a substitution, and under that particular circumstance could imagine politely excusing oneself and finding another spot to dine.
May '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
Rob Long.... It's called Gjelina, ...By the way, it’s pronounced “Jel-ina.” The “G” is silent. ...
On the final hand, though, I wish I had been there to see the look on Mrs. Beckham’s face ..
Due to botox, I imagine Ms Beckham's face was unmoved by anything less than a force 10 gale, but it is nice to imagine her indignation coupled with Ramsey's trademark apoplexy.
Perhaps the Gjelina Maitre'D could have advised them to visit Ljubljana for more silent consonants.
Aug '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
Interesting. Our parents wouldn't have done this this for us. We were expected to try new food and like it.
On the other hand, we didn't eat out often and my dad himself was one of the finickiest eaters on God's green earth. It's quite possible that Mom had her hands full just making sure Dad didn't raise a fuss when we went out.
I imagine the prospect of your spouse throwing a tantrum in a restaurant is rather more embarrassing than the prospect of your young children doing so.
May '11
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
Wasn't this a Seinfeld episode with the menu nazi? Wait tha was soup nazi.
It must be nice to get a LA Times write-up to air your [complaining].
[Comment edited to comply with Code of Conduct]
Edited on Jun 13, 2011 at 11:22amJul '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
I almost always request dressing on the side for fear that I will get a "salad soup," which happens 90% of the time.
Aug '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
Me, too.
One pet peeve are those thick, gloppy dressings that glue the salad greens together into one slimy wad that's more dressing than salad. (Those dressings might be good as dips or in slaws, but they murder delicate greens.)
If I suspect a dressing will be gloppy, I ask for vinegar, too, so I can thin it out.
Another pet peeve is extremely sweet dressings. Might as well have pancake syrup. Bleagh...
Sep '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
What a great story.
I am reminded of one of my favorite shows, Curb Your Enthusiasm, which often has scenes set in LA Restaurants, and Larry David has various encounters with managers and hostesses. One time Larry David orders a Cobb Salad but without the eggs, tomatoes and chicken....
Apr '11
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
" Something tells me that the seven-dollar-an-hour waiter had fun doing it."
As a former waiter in just such a restaurant (in Chicago), I can assure you: He did.
Sep '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
Chrysler is just announcing at a press conference that they've taken over the restaurant with a loan guarantee from the federal government.
Sep '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
And to anyone who wants 3 minutes and 13 seconds of fun once a week, may I recommend Rob Long's Martini Shot podcast? You know its good; I'm too much of a snob to be sucking up.
Sep '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
Midget Faded Rattlesnake
Me, too.
One pet peeve are those thick, gloppy dressings that glue the salad greens together into one slimy wad that's more dressing than salad. (Those dressings might be good as dips or in slaws, but they murder delicate greens.)
If I suspect a dressing will be gloppy, I ask for vinegar, too, so I can thin it out.
Another pet peeve is extremely sweet dressings. Might as well have pancake syrup. Bleagh... · Jun 13 at 9:58am
Sticky dressings are great for patching holes in drywall. I think Home Depot now offers balsamic vinegrette patch kits in several of their swankier locations.
Aug '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
Remember the restaurant in the wonderful "LA Story " ? It was aptly named L'Idiot. To get a reservation, you needed your banker to call. (he can't have ze duck ) The new pain as expressed by Chevy Chase. The floss assortment offered by a rapping waiter. They piled on beautifully. It appears to be appropriate.
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
Metzger: "If he says they should have done it, then they should have done it."
No, they shouldn't. Yelp shows 14225 restaurants in Los Angles. Mrs. Beckham is welcome to take her trade elsewhere. And, if the general populace at large finds this rule to be intolerable, they can as well. · Jun 13 at 8:36am
Sure, yes, they could have gone somewhere else. My point is that Ramsay is a professional restauranteur. He more than anyone must loathe finicky diners. If Mrs. Beckham had been dining alone, or with other non-culinary-professional celebrities, I might be inclined to ignore the whole thing.
As it is, I'm cheering the waiter and the manager. But still. It couldn't have been that hard.
Sep '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
I think you mean Eminent Domain.
Aug '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
Is it any less pretentious on the part of the restaurant to deny any requests, than it was for the douche to order an omelet in a sushi bar?
No.
While one can champion a restaurant that defends its food, and desires people to actually experience it, this is the height of idiocy.
Not that I could afford Gjelina, except when Rob takes me there for our weekly lunches, but I don't think they'll ever have my business. I'll stick to El Pollo Inka, CaCao, the Oinkster, and Din Tai Fung.
Oct '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
Well, I must admit. . .celebrities are half the reason I never, ever want to live in LA. So I can sympathize with the manager.
Jun '10
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
Oscar's Deli in Winnipeg, Manitoba, famous for corned beef sandwiches and pickles. On my first visit I ordered a corned beef sandwich on to-die-for rye bread and a coke. The waitress (or should that be server?) brought the sandwich but no coke. About fifteen minutes elapse before she passes my table again and I ask after my coke. She gives me a look that had I not been wearing my Mr. Christopher medal (St. Christopher had around that time been demoted by the Church) would surely have killed me and responds, "For Coca-Cola I don't schlep." She then pointed to the cooler at the front of the deli. Had I been writing a food review for the Winnipeg Free Press I would have described the service as "impudently hesitant."
Jan '11
Re: No Substitutions for Mrs. Beckham
At the iconic cheesesteak parlors in South Philly, Geno's and Pat's, there's only one acccommodation: wit or witout. (with fried onions or not?) One accommodation is OK, but one's enough.
Just comparing worlds here, you know?