My two completely unfair rules
Mollie Hemingway ·
Sep 16, 2010 at 7:04pm
With the news out of Portland that a woman faked her own acid-to-the-face-by-mysterious-black-woman attack, it reminds me of two completely unfair ideas I have:
1) Whenever a wife is killed or disappears, simply arrest the husband. It saves everyone a lot of time. I'm open to extending this to husband disappearances and murders, too.
2) Almost all bizarre attacks with no witnesses are self-inflicted. Be as skeptical as possible while investigating.
Yours?
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Comments :
Jul '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
Well, I, for one, am thoroughly sick and tired of having my co-workers hang nooses from my hat tree.
Jul '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
Well, who do We go after for violations like this?
http://ricochet.com/conversations/Civil-War-in-the-GOP-A-Peacemaker-s-Proposal/(source)/picks
The writer? Editor? Publisher?
Jun '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
One should never, absolutely never, believe an animal story told in support of an insurance claim. For example: I was driving down the road when all of a sudden a goose trailed by a gaggle of goslings started across the road. I jammed on the brakes, which caused me to swerve into the ditch. Boy, oh boy that was some quack up!
Edited on Sep 16, 2010 at 7:41pmAug '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
Mollie Hemingway:
...
2) Almost all bizarre attacks with no witnesses are self-inflicted. Be as skeptical as possible while investigating.
especially if it occurs on or within a mile of a college campus.
(eg, http://articles.latimes.com/2004/mar/18/local/me-claremont18 )
Jul '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
No one should be allowed to "write" more books than he's read.
Edited on Sep 16, 2010 at 8:06pmAug '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
Cas, that's a brilliantly unfair rule because almost everone has an animal-automotive horror story. My mom once drove the whole family into a ditch just to avoid a raccoon that was crossing the road. Wild turkey damage is so prevalent in some places that people specifically take out turkey insurance (male turkeys, when they see their reflection in the shiny surface of an automobile, are apt to believe it's another male challenging their place in the pecking order, so they peck their reflection into submission). Then there's armadillo damage, ant and rodent damage (they cause electrical faults), and that's not even getting to damage from your large ungulates, such as deer and cows.
May '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
If a consumer advocate is for it, I'm against it. And the corollary is equally true: if a consumer advocate hates it, I can probably find something in it to like.
Class action lawsuits are corporate shakedowns excepting anything that involves an industrial waste product -- in which case the company is the crook.
One psychopharmaceutical can be a godsend -- any more than two and we're in malpractice territory, except in cases where the above rule applies.
Edited on Sep 16, 2010 at 9:05pmMay '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
You want to talk unfair rules? Listen to me talk to my children:
Me: First off, are you bleeding?
Child: No, but I...
Me: Am I wearing a stripped shirt?
Child: No...
Me: And that means?
Child: It means you are not the referee...
Me: And what is Daddy's three most favorite words?
Child: I....Don't....Care
Me: Correct! If you are not bleeding and I am not you're referee and all you have is another petty squabble with your little brother - I...Don't...Care. I don't care about justice... I care about quiet... I don't care if you don't want to watch Sponge Bob and that iCarly is some sort of world premiere... IF God cared he wouldn't given you this house with the DVR. Now go do your homework!
I'll show you life is unfair....
Jun '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
I am probably the only male in North America to make it out of a Starbucks alive after almost inciting a riot, which brings me to my second rule of the evening: Never ask a obviously liberal, very-green barrista to double cup your extra hot latte on Earth Day.
I must confess explitives were exchanged, especially after I explained that double cupping was just my way of celebrating Earth Day. I would only add that the huffing and puffing that ensued release more than the usual amount of CO2.
May '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
If a crisis demands government action, it's a phony crisis.
May '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
Cas Balicki: I am probably the only male in North America to make it out of a Starbucks alive after almost inciting a riot, which brings me to my second rule of the evening: Never ask a obviously liberal, very-green barrista to double cup your extra hot latte on Earth Day.
I must confess explitives were exchanged, especially after I explained that double cupping was just my way of celebrating Earth Day. I would only add that the huffing and puffing that ensued release more than the usual amount of CO2. · Sep 16 at 8:47pm
Next time you go that route, invite one of us along. We'll make a killing in aftermarket carbon offset sales.
Jun '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
Rule number tree comes by way of a very undiplomatic friend. If your waitress is on the plump side and you want to get your drink order before closing never ask her if she's pregnant.
Gotta say, I don't know why we went out drinking that night, cuz we sure didn't do any.
May '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
I never trust a man who wears gold necklaces.
Always question the judgment of a woman who doesn't think Colin Firth is the best Mr. Darcy.
Aug '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
My completely unfair rule: rules should never, ever be unfair.
Edited on Sep 17, 2010 at 9:14pmMay '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
Bet we could come up with a rule for the use of the phrase, "Let me be perfectly clear..."
Jul '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
A rule gleaned from cruel observation:
When one prepares for a night on the town, one should look at oneself in a full-length mirror, and ask, "Would I want to go to jail dressed like that?"
This rule goes double on Halloween.
Jul '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
1. Always assume another professor is a leftist unless proven otherwise.
2. Always go to an MD, never a DO or chiropractor.
3. Always assume Yankee fans know little about baseball
4. Always explain who Valentino Rossi is when asked who my favorite sports star is.
May '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
When an oddball televangelist with strange hair says, "God told me...," God probably didn't. I know, I know, I shouldn't judge. But still it makes my spine feel funny, and not in a good way.
Jul '10
Re: My two completely unfair rules
Cas Balicki: I am probably the only male in North America to make it out of a Starbucks alive after almost inciting a riot, which brings me to my second rule of the evening: Never ask a obviously liberal, very-green barrista to double cup your extra hot latte on Earth Day.
I must confess explitives were exchanged, especially after I explained that double cupping was just my way of celebrating Earth Day. I would only add that the huffing and puffing that ensued release more than the usual amount of CO2. · Sep 16 at 8:47pm
Which brings to mind another good rule: don't drink something that takes longer to order than it does to make.
Great story, by the way.